I’ve been dating this chick for 3 years and some odd months now. I love her to death and have pretty much decided I’m going to marry her. However, our sex life is not very good. I am not satisfied. Whenever I ask her to satisfy me, she groans and bellyaches and then does a poor job (seemingly on purpose). It has also become the case that I am not very physically attracted to her anymore. She has gained a significant amount of weight. None of this a deal breaker for me (even those for most it would be), because I really do love her despite my transgressions. I’m not trying to make her sound bad. Before you call me an asshole, I do a lot for this girl and haven’t gone cold on her due to my dick. That’d be fucking stupid. Unhappy dick doesn’t mean I have to be mean to or stop providing for my partner.
In the end though, my question is what do I do about this?
I know dead bedroom and fat wife syndrome is not uncommon, there is a fix right?
Maybe I’m making a mistake by coming to the infamously hateful and troll filled Yea Forums, but reddit is just so fucking awful. Too many feminists. They’d demonize me for having normal issues and put my gf on a pedestal.
If she isn't putting out now it'll be worse down the road. Same goes for attraction. Either you cut her loose or you accept a lifetime married to a land whale who won't put out
She puts out, she just only puts out what she wants.
That's only going to get worse man. If you love her and it isnt a deal breaker do what you want but it's probably going to get worse.
It’s going to get worse? Do you think there’s a way for me to talk about this with her? Maybe if I got some alcohol or (redacted) into her she would be more open to what I want? I can deal with fat I guess as long as she gives me what I want occasionally. I’m not really that horny of a guy, it’s just, on that once or twice a week I am, I want what I want.
I'm guessing your let yourself go too and both of you drink, smoke da ganjas and spend too much time looking at screens. If she wants to do better in her life then there's hope for her. If you think you could possibly drag her over the 'healthy / Happy' finish line then you're in for a world of hurt.
In either case, the important thing to do is improve your own situation before trying to improve hers. Commit yourself to eating better, exercising better, and learning new skills that you'll actually use in the future. Either she'll join in because the results will make themselves apparent or she'll devolve into a pity party degenerate and give you even less reason to stick around.
Dude, I don’t smoke, I’ve never been drunk, I’ve maintained a healthy weight, I work a job that keeps me fit and I’m working on a career that I won’t disclose for anonymity’s sake, etc etc.
She’s just got extreme bipolar depression and BPD.
This is where it's rough. About 80% of BPD marriages end in divorce. There's not much you can do
>Extreme BPD >I can make this work right guys? user, I... Jokes aside, you've put yourself in a shit position here. I'll tell you what I whished I could have told myself before getting into a similar situation. You're feelings of love and wanting to protect her are valid, but she's a black hole that will only take from you. The sooner you get yourself out of this the sooner you can get your own life back. Also, no, she's not actually going to kill herself.
There’s 3 things required for an ideal relationship: sometimes people will develop a strong sense for 2 out of 3 of these things and get married which inevitably results in conflict. The 3 things are: Emotional compatibility (EC) Sexual compatibility (SC) Compromise ability (CA)
In a perfect world you and your partner would have 10/10 in all 3 categories but that will never happen except for a few lucky bastards. SC doesn’t just mean sex, it could also mean physical attraction. Like wow she looks cute or pretty. Which area do you think you two are lacking in most?
Definitely sexual compatibility. It’s kind of the only thing we conflict about. We don’t really have problems otherwise, and when we do, we solve them pretty fast. We both have really similar goals in life.
She’s told me repeatedly she will absolutely kill herself if I ever leave her. She has also hinted at killing me first.
and what is it that you want? a blowjob? feetjob? anal? what is it?
If you had to rate how sexually compatible you two are from 1-10? Has that number ever been higher before? Lower? Do you think it could realistically change or no
Not the one you responded to but one possible option is to try and find healthy hobbies and activities that benefit you both.
Pick up cooking as a hobby to get her reading habits improved Find something outdoorsy she enjoys, maybe hiking? Sunlight, physical activity and healthy eating habits reduce the severity of depression and increase energy levels. Doing it together will also give you a better ability to keep the good habits going during tougher times for her
In the end she will have to want to improve herself though. If she's set on the idea of withering away there's nothing you can really do about it
Bail bail bail, there are millions of functional women out there, plenty that will fuck and/or marry you. Don’t make someone else’s psychological baggage your own. These women are emotional vampires that take good dudes down with them. You will get divorced. She will make your custody battles hell. Bail while you can
All three + titfuck or thighfuck. The only thing she ever wants to do is vaginal sex :(
I know I’m a degenerate for wanting those things, but even after I quit porn for like a year I still wanted those things. I’m gonna quit porn again at some point cause I know it’s bad for me, but it’s not gonna change what I want and I feel bad about that.
It’s also not like I would never fuck her in the pussy again if I had access to other shit.
This is what this shit has done to me. I feel guilty and bad for wanting what I want. I feel like an inconvenience.
Seconding this OP. Was with the sweetest girl who tapped really strongly into my paternal instincts. Her latent BPD kicked in (happens often in early 20s) and she became an absolute fucking demon, oscillating between telling me she'll kill herself if I ever leave her and calling me a psychopathic abuser because she couldn't convince herself that I loved her anymore. She ended up in the loony bin for 3 weeks and spent a year trying to destroy my life, occasionally popping up out of the woodwork to try to cause chaos in my life on occasion.
Even now I still love her and feel protective toward her but I won't even step within the same city as her. BPD women are a time bomb of absolute life-ruining chaos wrapped up in a cute innocent package that will reel you in by tapping into your protective instincts and when you blink she'll have fucked 10 different dudes, attempted suicide a handful of times, and accuse you of rape and abuse. Run while you still can man, please.
She will go all Andrea Yates on your children then. Leave her ass. Protect yourself. Protect your family. Protect your future kids.
I would say like 5/10 rn. When we first started dating it was easily a 10/10. She would do anything and everything. It was like she wanted to really impress me or something so I would stay with her. She even told me once that she did a lot of stuff that she didn’t want to do early in the relationship so I wouldn’t leave :/
Lmao. Called it. Nigger if you actually believe it then you need to look up your state's laws on involuntary commitment to mental hospitals. She's a threat to her own life and needs professionals (not you) to help her out with that. Just call the cops and ask for a wellness check next time she has a major freakout. She behaves the way she does because she thinks it'll get her what she wants. The first time the cops show up asking if she's ok, she'll cut 99% of the extreme dramatics. If she doesn't then that means she needs to get carted away and have actual experts deal with her problems.
Luckily this girl isn’t THAT bad. I don’t think I’ll have to worry about that.
If I’m honest? I’ve never believed it. I’ve always assumed it was a way to try and get me to stay. She also has a psychiatrist and therapist. She is on the highest dosage of mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. I make sure she takes them each night at midnight.
I don't expect you to change your mind because of a few anonymous Yea Forums posts. But you should really take 30 minutes for yourself with a pen and paper and write down what you need in a relationship and what are some red lines on what you can't have in a relationship. After you're done with that you need to have a serious big think about those items you wrote down, and if you're being delusional about where your girl fits in that list.
She's not THAT bad right now. My girl was completely normal/competent and in an extremely accomplished career. It was a gradual process beginning way further back than the point you're at.
Stop deluding yourself, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain man. Your girl is not any different than any other BPD chick. BPD is a binary on/off switch of psychosis and she WILL get to this point sooner than you think if you stick with her. Everyone who has already experienced this is trying to save you from the suffering the rest of us who told ourselves the same bullshit about our girl not being "that crazy" have suffered.
Well you’ve thoroughly scared the shit out of me. What are the signs I should look for? Like, what a sign to get out that’s not too late?
You're not, man. I mean, there's nothing wrong with having a couple of fetishes.
Why don't you fuck a hooker? Maybe it helps to get the edge off
Either make her change or ditch her user. This relationship of yours won't take you anywhere good and will make your life miserable later. Thousands of men already made that mistake and went through shit like this so you don't have to. Don't repeat their mistakes. Bail while you still can.
I don’t fuck a hooker because 1: I’d have to wear a rubber, and that like, defeats the point 2: I don’t want to fuck a hooker 3: I can get dick sick or terminally sick from a hooker 4: if she found out I’d probably turn up missing.
She's checked out and is playing you dawg. You aren't an asshole for wanting an attractive partner. You aren't an asshole for wanting a partner who is enthusiastic about your pleasure. this guy has it right.
Being responsible for administering anti-psychotics is a pretty big red flag fam. no cap
>Unhappy dick doesn’t mean I have to be mean to or stop providing for my partner
That is exactly why you will always be treated like shit and sex will always be a chore for your partner.
Be a fucking man. If she doesn't provide good pussy then you shouldn't have to pay for her shit.
trade her in for a new model?
It’s so she doesn’t forget.
bro, you will never stop wanting your dick sucked no matter how long you go without porn. You are self-abusing by staying in this relationship and it seems like you're letting it play into your own feelings of insecurity for being male. Just accept you like getting your dick sucked and want a girlfriend who won't act like it's evil. that's fine. you're allowed to want that.
Read up on BPD. There's behaviors that are very distinct to BPD alone and you really need to be mindful of when those behaviors come up and how they're escalating. Once you see those behaviors starting to mount, it's already too late to get out without collateral damage. The sooner the better. Good luck buddy, I'm seriously hoping for the best for you
She’s a woman, not a gun.
It's over bro. I'm sorry. If you haven't helped her "cure" her bpd depression over the course of 3 years, you are wasting any further time with her. Think it over, but I think you'll come to the same conclusion.
Think of it this way, you might think it's a noble endeavor to save this woman from herself. But are you going to subject your kids to everything you've put yourself through over the last 3 years, but for 18? Or are you going to give up on the prospect of kids. Are you going to be ok telling your parents and grandparents that they can't ever see your kids because you want to take care of one damaged person who doesn't even treat you right?
Have you considered cheating?
How many times you going to post this shit?
Well today I finally got productive answers, so probably never again. I presume you’re one of the people that said, “buy a hooker” or some shit.
Yes, and the answer was no.
The gaining and loosing weight stuff is not that nad if you can still tolerate her and if she's not dying from it (if it's too extreme you should do something about her tho because that's a way of self harming) but the sexual needs not being satisfied is actually very serious, maybe it's not a big deal for you right now but it will be hell I'm the future, you definitely, absolutely need to talk this out with her, tell her honestly what the issue is and what she can do to satisfy you.
Seriously bro, try and be honest with her, choose your words but also tell her fully what the Problem is because it is going to become hell if you don't correct this with her.
You're wife isn't turn on by you, plain and simple. You either have to work out and groom yourself to the point where other girls start flirting with you or become a cuck
Here's what happened to me: >went through bad breakup >hit the gym, hit the barber, hit the clothing store, and got myself a skincare routine >start dating new girl >dead bedroom within 3 months >tell her I think we need to break up, we're not sexually compatible >suddenly she wants me and wants to have sex >boil the frog, so to speak and now 10 years later I'm with the same girl >we like to take hotel trips where I tie her up and use a ton of sex toys and shit with her >sends me nudes on demand, lets me take nudes all the time >always buying sexy lingerie for me
Unironically get bitches my man, a single girl will only love you when there are 10 other girls ready and willing to take her place. Kind of a dick mentality but it works. Love is only for kids, pets, and plants - women need someone who commands respect of himself and others
Have you tried asking her what she thinks of the sex life? Maybe she's not attracted to you or is just prude.
Don’t really have advice, but I’m sort of going through the same with my gf. She was immensely hot and cute when we started dating 4 years ago. Now she’s gained weight, is a fatty, but surprisingly still very cute in the face at least. SHE actually usually wants sex more than I do now. She’s becoming sort of a nagging bitch this past half year or so, but I love the girl’s personality since I’ve started dating her besides the weight gain and some bitchiness. Unfortunately though, I’ve had a sort of “crush” on a younger girl at work who’s kind of a skinny petite egirl/stoner type who’s surprisingly not a slut and is only down for long term relationships (who I know I can get if I didn’t have a gf). It’s a hard decision for me as well and either I deal with a fat gf that’ll turn into a wife from attachment and easy sex/reliable comfort or I switch it up
>if she found out I’d probably turn up missing.
You gotta walk away asap from that shit, user. You're clearly being abused by a mentally unstable person.
>She’s just got extreme bipolar depression and BPD.
It's not your responsibility to manage her mental illness. It's your responsibility to point out that her lack of action on her problems is pushing you away and leaving you unsatisfied in your relationship. And no, you're not obligated to put up with an unsatisfying sex life if that's what's important to you.
If you're not firm, this will be your life, because she won't change if you coddle her.
Alright time to open up about something that’s extremely embarrassing.
This woman helped me get my life on track. My parents never did shit for me. This woman helped me get my license, get a job, and let me use her computer for college. I use her car to get to work a lot and don’t have one of my own.
I know it’s not right for a man to be so fucking pathetic, but honestly guys, sometimes I do want to break up with her because of all the crazy. However, I feel trapped. I’m not independent.
I don’t have friends because I’m mildly autistic (or so I believe based on a lot of reading I’ve done and that quiz from the autism speaks website). I literally don’t know anyone irl besides her, her parents, and my one surviving parent.
Truth is guys, even if I absolutely wanted out of this shit I literally couldn’t do it without becoming a NEET until my other parent died and left me their car.
I have to stay with this girl at least until I have a stable career and my own car. That’s gonna be at least a year or so.
In the end y’all I’m a pathetic loser. I’m 20 years old and a depressed chick with BPD and the only thing keeping me afloat.
None of you understand how desperately I wish this wasn’t the case. I wish my other parent survived. I wish they had done more for me so that I would’ve had a job since 16. I wish I didn’t get my license at 20. However, this is how shit has went. Im not gonna be like this forever. Im miserable.
I opened up way too much, I’m sorry. Oh well. Good luck helping this.
Nothing is permanent. That includes your love for her. Don't kid yourself. And don't ruin your future.
>co-dependency due to unlucky upbringing many such cases, you literally have 2 choices
>man the fuck and grow the fuck up, realize everyone is fucking retarded and the only person responsible for your own life is yourself or >become a limp dicked cuck who's wife wont fuck him and who spends all day browsing the internet looking for other forms of co-dependent validation
I wish I could just cut my losses and go “aw damn the crazy girl got fat and ain’t giving me the sex I want, oh well.”
But I fell in love with her, and I owe a lot to her, and I still need her to survive. That’s a big part of it. I feel guilty. I feel like I owe her. I feel like I kind of deserve this shit since she did so much for me and still does. It’s like yeah she’s not putting out the sex I want but think about what she’s done. Isn’t that enough? Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just get over it?
Idk. I often think I’m a real asshole for all of this, and now you probably all think so too, which is deserved, honestly.
IM LITERALLY DOING OPTION 1 DID YOU EVEN READ?
I’m starting a career, and I’m going to get my own car, and probably my own place. I’m just biding time.
You should have said this from the start, but still, this just means you guys have to better yourselves, tell her about your sex life and be honest and you have to man up and ask her to also tell you honestly what you are still fucking up because from the looks of it there might be quite a lot.
user I think you use to love her but don't anymore since you recognized her own issues that she seemingly isn't working on. My advice is to not get this woman pregnant, not marry her, and keep her around until you can get on your feet without her. Best of luck
I don't think you love her user. You are just dependant.
>just biding my time just making up excuses to stay in a co dependent façade because you're too scared to be alone
Ok you’re retarded. I’ll explain a little further. I can’t start this job that will make actual money until I am 21. I live in a shithole big city, so housing and gas are expensive. If I used public transport, I’m asking to get killed.
I need (in this order) - a career - a car - place of my own
Then I can be independent. Grow up. I can’t just magically have money and a car and an apartment/rental home in a months time. This shit is probably gonna take a year. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
You're cute. And in most circumstances i'd try and roast you for daring to be empathetic on Yea Forums but I won't. My initial advice stands. Improve yourself first before trying to improve her. It sounds like you have a lot to work on so get off the internet right fucking now and go for a walk outside. Also, stop fucking caring about random btards opinions of you are. You do realize that literal murderers lurk here and post their kills for the lulz right?
Also, as others have pointed out. You have a dependency problem and it also sounds like you're cucking yourself by thinking you can't do better due to reasons outside your control. Both those things can be fixed in your life. But you have to want to fix it first, and you have to fix it yourself. Start right now. You literally have nothing better to do.