Nice dubs.
Look man, I tried, I really did, you don't know how much.
But things didn't get better.
I don't regret trying and fighting, it's better than killing myself and I'm a stubborn virgin.
But I don't expect things to improve.
I keep going out of pure spite.
It's not particularly weird that you aren't interested in being a spectacle for gossipy neighbors by reading a book in fresh air. A lot of people aren't especially beneficial to you, due to their traits.
This is why I didn't mention your yard specifically. Get away from your neighbors to prevent that barrier from inducing anxiety. The park, the beach, a mountain trail, or anywhere you'd like to sit and read a book surmounts that barrier by providing anonymity of person and place.
Remove as many anxiety inducing factors in your plan to go outside as are relevant to your concerns.
It's always best to presume and/or imagine the worst thing can practically happen (within probability atleast), therefore it will keep you on your toes and prepared for it !
I'll have to find or figure out some place that I can do that. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury of getting around in a vehicle and walking can be a bit far and wide. As well as the homeless problem going on in my area.
I know it sounds like I keep coming up with excuses but I literally have hundreds of anxiety inducing factors going on in my life right now. It's why I'm such a damn mess.
I've been this way since I learned how dark humanity truly is and it's only become worse as the years go by.
It's good that you're stubborn because you learn from each experience that involves negative results, and being stubborn enables you to try again with those results in mind.
I have lived alone innawoods for extended periods, and like it. Today I live in town, and interact with my neighbors pretty often in positive ways, because I have learned a lot of things about people and don't put barriers up, such as expectations they are smart, nice, or reasonable.
Not taking me seriously has helped a lot, since I don't need to achieve any admirable goal. Things that I regretted so severely they made me vomit no longer have that emotional power. When I remember something that makes me cringe, now I just laugh, and it's a lot easier on me.
People act because of their needs, their motivations, their self images, and I don't take things personally because what they do is about them - even when they mean it to be personal, as an attack on me. It's really about what's in them, not me at all.
Not taking anything personally has defanged the emotional monster that induced my social anxiety, and that includes my own faults, stupidity, and problems.
Consider your nature, and think about someplace that you'd be comfortable and happy to be in. For me it's the wilderness, but not everyone feels that way.
I hate public transport - social anxiety - and can't ride a bicycle due to physical injuries, so for me a vehicle is necessary. As a NEET it would be possible to acquire a rusted out shitbox for very little money. I've been given cars, so even free is possible.
Getting a license and insurance is more expensive and difficult, but it's not really necessary if you're a good driver and a gambler. Not recommending going without them, just pointing out that reality is different than our beliefs about it.
The reality is that you're already buried in a tomb, and you are mentally and emotionally being harmed by that. You need to end that, so look at you and the world and consider means that allow a gentle and pleasurable transition from that to life that isn't confined to a tomb. You don't need to plan beyond that.
Just change the baseline in as non-anxiety inducing and happiness generating way as possible.
Humanity isnt dark dude !
The room i smoke drugs in is dark !
Man up , and quite being how you are right now
They do not Accept me because of my history of drug use. So If And When family gatherins arise, it's all fake smiles, and "So how you been lately?"
It is what it is.
I'm too mature and grown, to act out in childish spoiled ways.
