I've lost all hope, Yea Forums

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The first day of college, she was still in grief mode from the abortion...crying all day, buying baby clothes for the child she lost (she was only 8 weeks along), and then eventually turning on me and being physically violent. She cursed me out every day in front of the people in our dorms, embarrassing me and ruining my chance to overcome years of bullying and form a tight-knit group of friends. I never forgave her for it. I used it as a crutch to excuse all my shitty behavior, mixed in with just a lack of desire to go forward in life because of ruining it for fucking nothing.

yeah sounds like a person who can't confront their own problems

you've suffered some crazy abuse

any way you can avoid her entirely? or do you have to keep in touch because of parenting the daughter?

You answered it. I'm a fucking moron. 0.5 mg of Clonazepam prescribed to me, I thought it was the greatest fucking thing on earth. Of course nobody told me about how you could become physiologically addicted to it, and now I still take it once a day even though it stopped working years ago.

I have to keep in touch because of co-parenting. But I blame myself too. We've been friends on and off for the last few years, sometimes it's been great for weeks at a time and I forget why we even fought in the first place. Then something happens---usually she and her husband have a savage fight, her mood changes, and she takes it all out on me. And I completely act shocked as to why this happens again.

I hate to admit it, but all the shit she's done to me aside, if she died, I'd probably kill myself. I've lost a sibling. I would mourn for her 100 times more than that sibling, and I hate myself for it.

Of course it's an existential crisis. But how do I come to terms with my existence when I'm financially and emotionally gutted every second of the day?

sounds like there's a problem inside yourself you're using her to cover for

honestly there's nothing you can do to make her better, you just have to work on yourself - and maybe fix things with your daughter

do you have any other friends? I hope she's not your only support

Whoever is still prescribing it to you should lose his license

Yes. I hate that I met her at such a formative time of my life. She's the person I blame constantly for my shitty life and then the first person I call when shit goes wrong. You can repeat "there's nothing you can do" over and over, but I'm gonna need a fucking tranquilizer if all of a sudden I can't see her again and I know she's suffering with her piece of shit husband. My daughter and I are good now, luckily a lot of my shit happened before she was able to form memories. She can still tell I'm checked out occasionally but seems to accept me for who I am, and I meet the basic responsibilities.

I have friends, but I try not to get too close to them. Maybe it's the autism thing, but I'm also just scared of driving away people because I'll eventually retreat into hopelessness and want no social contact with anyone.

It's been prescribed by two psychiatrists and my current nurse practitioner. She agrees that it'll only be a good idea to taper off when I'm at a "good point in my life". I think she's right, because even the slowest taper has made me want to slit my wrists. The anxiety, flashbacks, PTSD just stops me in my tracks no matter what I do. It's easy to say I'll rely on the support I have, but I never know how bad it is until that withdrawal hits.

But I agree. Fuck the person who prescribed it to me.

Goddamn dude you're making me feel better about my own shitty life, so thanks for that?

If u want to fix this you need to go all the way back to your childhood and start.

Sometimes I think I only exist just to make people realize they don't have it so bad.

Please come here and a few grand so I can take work off for a year to do it. Whatever time off I get from work will never be enough to sort this shit out. As soon as I'm back on the job and trying to deal with my autistic anti-social "can't understand basic directions" shit, all my progress goes out the window.

Sounds like you're letting life happen TO you instead of happening to life.

if you could abstract her from your life and work on your problems, what would they be? how would you go about working on them?

sometimes it takes time and persistence to overcome internal issues, and it can feel like we'll never get better in the moment, but it's possible

sounds like you've got a long road ahead of you to get better

Who raped you? Your dad?

I wish he did. At least I'd have an easier answer for why I'm so fucked up.

I guess I still have to figure that out. "Working" on my problems depends on the environment I'm in. If I'm financially secure and not feeling depressed or anxious, it's easier to put things in perspective. But when something sets me off---a fight, a flashback, something---my past all of a sudden becomes so fucking real and in my face for weeks.

you'll just have to work with the time you're given, user

if you start today and keep it up, eventually you'll look back from the future and realize all the progress you've made

it's the only way

you owe it to yourself and your daughter

Godamn.
I honestly don't understand the whole anxiety thing. I mean, i get it too, but not like that apparently. I at least can convince myself I'm overreacting and if this we're an everyday event it would be as easy as making cereal at this point. My best bit of advice is to just tell yourself everytime that your overreacting, that you an go another hour without the pill. Everytime.
It won't magically cure you over night, but your life didn't get like this overnight either. Best of luck man. It sucks when your life goes to shit because you thought you were doing something nice. Fuck.

Based redditposter

Thank you for being able to see it from the perspective of someone who deals with anxiety on a whole other level. Even small things like someone having road rage will give me a panic attack. I feel it all over my body. I can't think and everything that comes out of my mouth is gibberish. I swear I even start hallucinating. It takes a couple days before a bad interaction subsides, but it's lodged in my brain for the rest of my life. I had a cop scream at me to put away my phone about a year ago and I think about it every time I get to an intersection.

The anxiety I have is probably what some people would classify as qualifying for medication, but what's the point if something like a benzo works until you build up tolerance and now you're addicted to something that'll literally kill you if you stop?

user, I wish I had suggestions on how you can improve your situation. Unfortunately I do not, but I hope you find help here or elsewhere and are able to find some happiness and get to feeling normal again. I wish you nothing but the best.

thank you

From a practical standpoint, you need to change your medication situation in a safe, supervised way because it sounds like it's become less about helping your depression and more just straight up substance abuse.

Those feelings of depression that hit when you go cold turkey...that could be depression or it could actually just be withdrawal.

They also hit after a slow taper, too.