Nightly faded thread, part 3

Ah, fuck that then. I dabble in pharmaceuticals quite a bit, both in dealing and using. I don't have any time for weak shit. It doesn't make money and it doesn't kick me off. That's why I don't fuck with weed too, at least partially. I have PTSD so those times when it's a bad trip are fucking horrible. Plus weed isn't really a money maker. At least not where I'm at. It's too common and too cheap, so selling it is a bitch because it takes forever to move it all and you're just getting 40 bucks here or there. The profit is so small that it's not worth the risk.

I actually didn't. Part of why I've been able to stretch it out. I start the night with a few beers and just go down youtube rabbit holes until it's late enough that I'd feel like it would be a waste of a high to just fall asleep

tldr

Apologies if my thread is bringing up any feelings or making you want to drink again. I just hang here with the b/ros the past few nights getting faded and felt like doing it again.

Hang in there and stay strong man. Quitting drugs and alcohol is a hard trip. My mother and my uncle were both alcoholics for 20+ years but finally quit a few years back and have been good ever since. If they can do it you can too, bro.

Same here, but weed isn’t profitable for different reasons. It’s legal and in dispensaries so there’s not really any money to be made by selling it, you’re much better off growing.

I get that a lot too. I didn't get home until 1AM and I was like "shit, do I really wanna drink and do ativans now?" but I did it anyway because I wanted to blow off steam. I'll just stay up until sun up and then drop out for a few hours. I gotta get up around 10 or so and go grab those percs anyway. Normally I'd just sleep in but that money is calling and I got bills.

Feel you on the youtube rabbit hole too. That and wikipedia. I binge those fucking things all the time. When I'm not massively depressed and drugged up I really like learning as much as I can about shit. I'll read an entire wikipedia article on a person or even or whatever and that'll trigger another thought and then I'm off to that wikipedia page to read all about it. Rinse and repeat until it's 6AM and I'm like WTF?

Nah don’t apologize at all man. Appreciate the honesty and openness This is better than therapy. You all have a great night Yea Forumsros

Much love, user. You got this.

Why even sell? Profit margin is shit on every fucking drug period, risk is thru the roof. Its risky enough using illegal drugs without selling...luckily most cops that are worth a shit have bigger fish to fry....but still...get script and fuckin kick back with zero worries. Especially if you actually have the disease. Hell, you dont even need the disease these days and they'll still give them to you

>on methylphenidate since age 16
>seen friends go down for no real financial or future gain

You wanna sell dope, get a chem degree and work for big pharma

Alcohol with additive drugs, yeah shit rolls downhill man, I suggest getting off that, and if you still want a buzz go with some legit acid, that’ll fix you right up, no drinking on this shit doe, I suggest putting like 10 tabs 100mics each into a 100ml dark bottle with 50/50 vodka and distilled water solution keep that in ya fridge, helps with depression, do a micro dose ever 48-72 hours and ya should be fine...

What is ativan??

No magic solution here, get a job preferable 2 and work until you come home and fucked up on work ya know? You only have strength to take a shower and go to sleep, that take you away from all this shit

I have a very tight and trusted circle. The money is good here at $1 per milligram. 60 perc 10s gets me $600. If I sold all 120 I could have $1200. They move fast with my connect too. I could make that money in half an hour or less.

Is it risky? Fuck yeah. If they catch me I'll be doing serious time, but when you're drowning in medical bills and have rent. utilities, groceries, gas, doctor co-pays, and all that other shit on your plate? Yeah, that fast drug money is super fucking attractive.

I've been at it 5 years with the same few guys. We've never been busted and we don't deal with the risky type of addict who brings chaos and light to our operation. We're slinging shit to bored housewives and middle aged businessmen.

I do have a chronic pain disease and a legitimate need for the pills, but I also got bills that aren't going to go away on their own.

No fucking way am I ever touching anything psychoactive like acid, LSD, etc...

I have PTSD man. Serious, horrific PTSD. If I had a bad trip on psychedelics it would be nightmarish and might fuck me up even worse.

A benzodiazepine. Not as strong as xanas or klonopin, but still pretty damn relaxing.

Original dude with smoking. Yea man. I smoke always. For the last 5 yrs. almost every day.

Dude im not even feeling it any more tbh. Its such a habit. And it got me in trouble with the popo. So im triyng to lay of of it. Its hard tho. And modafinil isn anithing like coffe. Its actually pretty strong. For me atleast. I dont dable in pharma but it keeps me focused and awake. So it works for me. I hate coffe such a bs.

Cluck I said fucking micro dose and get 2 jobs, microdosing acid get you the euphoria and non of that strong visual shit

That's awesome that it's been working for you so well and you've kept at it for 5 years. I'm glad you found something reliable to take the edge off. Everybody's gotta have that something to kick off and relax for a bit IMO. My preferred fix are opioids, oxy specifically. But it's a tightrope act balancing it and using responsibly and avoiding the pitfall of addiction. I've gone way too heavy on them in the past and got really addicted. Same with xanax - That was the worst experience ever coming off those fuckers after 6 months of regular use at high doses every day.

Now I switch it all around. Some nights it'll be oxy, some nights it'll be benzos, some nights I just drink, other nights it's gabapentin. That way I'm always taking a break from something while I'm doing the other thing and I keep my tolerance lower than it would be if I were only using the one thing all the time.

Man it could bring you out of it. I tried shrooms and it was the best decision of my life it helped me alot. I have cases of schizophrenia in my family and i really think that im gonna go crazy for real one day so its really shity tothink about this

Fuck, man. I'm sorry to hear that you've been fucked by the cops. I've been in the game pretty strong for 5 years now moving heavy pharmaceuticals - Mostly opioids and benzos, but I've never been busted. I keep my circle super small. Including me it's 3 dealers and 2 regular buyers. I sometimes sell to the other dealers and they move the shit to their connects, but sometimes the 2 regulars are all I need to make a quick grand or so.

It's a risky game for sure. If I ever get caught I'm fucked.

I'm too afraid to even try microdosing man. Maybe if I had somebody like you in my life who had experience with that shit and could guide me through it carefully, but psychedelics aren't really a hot thing here. It's all opiates, opioids, benzos, meth, and coke.

I've read some great studies done on microdosing and how it can help people like me with chronic depression and PTSD. I don't doubt the benefits, but I'd need a guide and I'd need to tread very carefully with the PTSD, y'know?

Man. I posted alit hope you can make shit out of what i wrote. Im the weed and shrooms and schizo and bump guy. I have an alcoholic mother. Father workaholic and im loosing faith in ewery thing. The word is such a bitch. Anithing i think of is corupted and going to shit. I really feel i need to change the world big time. My mind races in places normal people dont think about. I have 1000 of plans of making something. Cant focus on one. I feel suspended in time , waiting for the feed to end and go out of this world. I do not belive in deities(gods etc)

Tbh might get into microdosing in the future if I can get a reliable plug. As for weed, I haven't had any since December. A young friend of mine is on a daily habit, me and some stoner friends are joking that he's rotting his developing brain, but I seriously think it's an issue.
As for me and drugs, I've got an acid trip planned this summer.

Dont you agree ptsd is in your head? I men its a thought proces. The way you take in the world hurst your defense sistems and they go of. You dont need someone to show you. Do the documentation. Get some shrooms. Or a kit. And just give them a try. A gram. You wont go crazy. You just need to take a leap. The first time i took ex my hand were shaking so bad because of the fear and guilt but it went away as fast as it came. You have to embrace some things accept them and overcome. The past is the past but you live in the present. You only have NOW or never. And it usually turns out to be never if you dont try youreself

Listen man the way I explained it in the beginning, do not do more than 100 mics or 1 tab or you get the feels and the vibes nothing too crazy doe, and the solution and the dosages are stupid proof, you leave the tabs in the solution to dissolve for 2 days and then you use a dropper to dose m8, it’s simple easy and effective don’t do it everyday or else your body gets use to the low dosage and then you’ll need a little more for the same effect, again I know you have ptsd but you should not be worried about side effects if you are only microdosing, the worst you could be if you do like 30-40 mics is feel jittery for like 4-6 hours, like you had some coffee with 5h energy, nothing too bad though, I have done 6 one time, I am still here, for you no more than 1 or else you gonna be feeling like you back in Iraq my man

I've been diagnosed clinically with chronic depression since I was 15. I don't have schizophrenia, but my uncle did so I can relate a little bit. I used to talk to him about it whenever I could to try to understand it more but a lot of times he didn't want to talk about it, and I also didn't want to make him feel different or like a freak, y'know? Like some sideshow curiosity that I had to study? I'm just a curious dude and one of the only things left in life that I love is having deep conversations with people about their life, thoughts, and loves.

Mental illness is a bitch. I'm here if you need to vent about anything or want some unbiased input on something in particular. I have suicidal thoughts a lot but I'm not ready to do it yet.

I've definitely been interested in shrooms for a while now. Years. I've studied all about growing them and getting spore prints to inoculate the soil and grow them in a sterile environment and whatnot. I could do that. I know all about it. I just need a shrrom cap to get a spore print. I just never knew how much to take and I didn't wanna risk fucking myself up by doing too much.

You think 1 gram is a good starting point?

Have any experience with peyote? I've been interested in that too, but I live in Virginia and that shit doesn't grow anywhere near me.

Not the person you replied to but I'm pretty sure 3g of shrooms is pretty standard, but it definitely can vary based on what strain, etc.

Lets get something so we can connect. Cuz this thread is going to go anyway. Same with my uncle. But he is of the rails so i dont think i could talk to him like this. He is basically a 14 yo. But i found out recently. It was hidden for 20 yrs. im depresive myself. From a really young age. I went to sleep not understanding why i cant stop crying. Since weed i can pass out and sleep well. Lately been drinking 2/3 beers a evening to help me pass out faster. If i dont do ut i am awake and i begin to think shit. And they all say they understand but they dont. And the shitty part is that i know that things wont change unless i manage to get out. I dont want this strees in my life. I cant just sit around and wait to go crazy. Its shitty

1 gram to just understand where you are heading. If you like it or not. Given the mental state and rookines. Yeah. Its usually around 3 g. But it all depends on the person. 1 g is a nice brack trough to get your mind of shit

Correction it's like 1g dried mushrooms if you wanna start small, I was thinking raw ig.

Don't snort benzos you retard.

If I go with shrooms, I'm going with the gold standard of psilocybin cubensis.

It's sort of a waste to snort, you're right. The bioavailability isn't as high snorting as it is orally, but that's why I snorted - Because I was also drinking beer. I just wanted to slightly potentiate it, not go full bore.

Once you start hearing and seeing things it’s over mate, pill pack A for suicidal and schizo and pill pack B for aggressive and szchio, it’s a rough road waiting down there for you, I don’t want you to end up like this one guy from my last job, a security guard, I have seen him now and then still wearing his uniform and yelling at people to get in and out of carts in the metro, it’s a sad way to go, enjoy it while you can, give 100 percent and do it all with 0 fucks, take what you can, bottoms up my friend

How do you wanna connect? I don't wanna put my FB up or anything. I've already revealed my location and the fact that I'm a drug dealer, so I have privacy concerns, y'know?

Are you medicated at all? My uncle who had it was off the rails too until he got medicated. When he was off his meds he intentionally burned his house down in Philly on a block of row houses, so he almost set fire to the whole fucking neighborhood.

No formal education? 6.5 times out of 10, the drug user has an above average IQ.... Just sayin.... I wasn't even close to where you were, but there was a point in time where i was risking everything just to pay for my drugs.... turned the knowledge I sought on drugs and into a career... didnt stay interested in pursuing organic synthesis or anything like that, but def still love medicinal chemistry.

Would hate to see shit fuck up for ya. I think it should all be legal anyway for the sake of quality control.. every pill on the streets these days are fuckin counterfeit.

Cheers mate. I’ve come to terms with myself. But the hard part is the people around. Thats the main reason for not outing myself rn

Yea. Ith hard to give out info like that. I dont rly use fb so yea. I hope maybe we’ll bump into eachother again somethimes. Let faith do the job. I dont like unnecesarry bs. And i think that the connection is still something. The mental conection i mean

But yeah. No meds. Im not clinically diagnosed or smth. Im young but i already thought i am crazy. So it all clicked whan i found out of my uncle

Everyone is different. Modafinil doesn't do shit for me, but it was good for a portion of my life when general lethargy from quitting methamphetamine took over. Def helped me get back on my feet. Read some scientific lit on it, and can confirm that it works...

but for the love of god, stay away from meth. that shit is fuckin dark... it'll grab you and twist your perception of it without you even knowin it.

Being attached to things or people, we are all on the same bus route m8, some get on some get off, sometimes earlier. But you do what you want to do, don’t let nothing stop you, because if or when it hits you... it’s going to be a barrier, and nothing is a barrier if you do not care. If I knew i was gonna die, I’d do something with my life.

That's another reason why I deal, but it's a small part compared to the cash - The counterfeit pressed pills. It's costing people their lives and I hate that. When people buy from me they know exactly what they're getting. The only way they're overdosing is if they do it on purpose.

You're right on the money about me too. Dropped out of high school in 10th grade because my dad was a fuck-up who mortgaged our house and lost it. Spent some time in my teens homeless, found work and got on my feet. Never had time to go back to finish school but I'm a voracious reader who had taught himself a lot of different skills from videography and photography to art and guitar. I'm pretty good at this drug game too, but I know I'm playing a dangerous game here. I want to get out of it but I'm just not in the financial position to do that right now. Hopefully that will come in another year or two.

I've had my IQ formally tested once and it was 128, but I don't put any stock in to that shit TBH. I'm of the Stephen Hawking belief :

"People who brag about their IQs are losers."

So take a half a pill. Don't snort benzos retard.

True that to the last part. If you're smart it'll show on it's own, the scores don't mean shit.

knock it off bro u know u dont need that. Ive been addicted to my fair share of drugs, be it coke, meth, weed, opiates, whatever. I can enjoy a joint every now and then, but me and you both know me and you both should and can live our lives without the additional poison.

If you disregard all that, above all else just know you are still a human and are still loved.

If y’all got Kik or somethin we can do this shit ther

Dont do it. The smashing doors down. I've thought of it as well, but is it really worth the damage and distress all over some measly bud? Not really... You have the right idea man. Every time I've gotten sober's either been due to a new environment or new friends. cheers

Pussy, sometimes you want to die, and you do it slowly, you know how it is, like you said. Loves isn’t the magical answer to each of our different personality and individual problems, all of us are different, we just want to die the same.

Meh. I wanted to snort because it's been a while since I have, plus 2 of them were given to me already crushed in a pill grinder. Don't concern yourself with how I do my drugs and I'll do the same. Ativan ain't shit anyway so it's not like I wasted something great.

Aye, if there is but one thing promised in life, be it death

Lads I'm out, been a good convo/read, sweet dreams.

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on an additional note, I realize I'm just in a happy mood rn and trying to rub it off onto others, which is no fault of my own. I hear you loud and clear brother.

I think anyone who says they've never contemplated suicide is a lair. Have you? and have you ever actually went as far as putting a gun in your mouth?

I really don't know that I can, dude. I thought the same as you just said for a while there and quit everything for 6 months - Even sugar.

Nothing changed. I was still massively depressed and suffering from PTSD, waking up in sweats and throwing fists. I've had cancer twice already. I'm 28. 3 major surgeries. Saw a 7 year old boy die of brain cancer, watched another dude in his early 40s drop dead at my feet in treatment while his wife shrieked to god as she watched her husband clock out brain dead.

I think I'm too damaged at this point to get back to where I was when I could enjoy life without drugs. I said it in the thread last night and I'll say it again : I feel like the old me died on the operating table. That guy is dead and gone and now I'm this fucking ghost or something inhabiting his body. I know all the things he used to love but they don't interest me.

How's that for deep?

Don't snort benzos because you want to feel cool retard. Dissolve them under your tongue. If you want to take drugs, take them properly. Not performatively.

Peace and love, user.

>does drugs wrong
>complains drugs aren't shit

I don’t need to, I am going grunt mode in two months, will take any contract that’ll land me anywhere near a combat zone.

Dude, you gotta believe in something. Stop thinking about the world as being a bitch...there's shitty people in it. I deal with them daily. There's bottom feeders, and there's people in motion trying to get shit done.

If you can't focus that day, try again the next. Don't give up. I deal with voices too, and its miserable, but only because the attitude of the voice has a way of rubbing off on me... It's not me. Separate yourself from that shitty darkness and come enjoy the light with the rest of us.

Fuck that dude, schizophrenia is manageable with medication, and voices can be ignored.

Play hard, work hard, fuck giving up.

Pretty fucking deep.

I've never seen anyone die, im only 20. I've never been anywhere outside of the US. I have suffered depression, albeit mild in comparison to your experiences I assume. I commend you for your attitude towards life man..its a push pull cycle.

Although I've never had cancer yet, I am certain to develop pancreatic cancer due to an ATM gene mutation. Looking forward to that. I cant even imagine what its like watching a young boy die, so im not going to.

You are one weathered motherfucker at the age of 28. Let me tell you this for what its worth - after my hardcore meth use and getting sober, Hell no i dont feel like the same person.

I think thats part of growing up, none of us are the same person we used to be. Some people change a whole lot quicker than others. People like us have a different view of the world, for the better of worse. I feel like the old me died the second i touched my lips to that pipe and smoked it. That guy is dead and gone and now i'm this fucking junkie or something inhabiting this body. I didnt grow up thinking hey im gonna ruin my life smoking this crazy addicting but fucking awesome drug and go my next few years thinking everything fucking sucks and everyone should fuck off. I didnt use to right? So what changed it?

OP again. I think about it all the time. I know I'm going to rope before I'm 35. It's just a deep, gut feeling I have. Especially if my cancer comes back a third time. I'm not doing that shit again. I've done it twice already and it's damaged me more than the average person who hasn't gone through it could imagine.

But when I go to the doc and they ask me if I'm feeling depressed I say yes, then they ask about suicidal thoughts and I have to lie and say no, because if I'm honest and I say "yes, and I know exactly how I'm going to do it when the time comes" they're going to lock me the fuck up in a psych ward.

I don't see how anybody thinks that's a solution to the problem. Oh, look, we have a suicidal guy barely hanging on to life by a thread and he's desperate for help. Let's take him away from everything in life that offers him comfort like his home, his pets, his family, etc.. and lets stick him in an institution against his will with a bunch of other suicidal people.

How the fuck is that supposed to help? I really don't get it. All it does is make people who are feeling suicidal keep it to themselves because they know if they speak out they're gonna get taken away from whatever it is in life that they have left that gives them a sense of happiness/keeps them from roping.

good luck man, I salute you for your past service if applicable and wish you the best of fucking luck blowing off Haji heads and keeping your own attached. Fuck the muslims

in hindsight, my feeble drug addiction pales in comparison to your experience to be completely honest. I feel like an asshole.

I’ll die in a nice place away from all of this, it’ll be an honorable death, I will wave my flag to the last breath!

If you ever get in any trouble, you just run, ok? Just run.

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Hey man, refer to To add to that, I really don't think they'd put you in the nuthouse. Plenty of people have suicidal thoughts. I've thought about it, and admitted it, to family and therapists. I wasn't locked up. I was never a big fan of talking about my problems, and to this day believe me, you, yourself, are strong enough to deal with our problems solo, but thats really not the truth. It's okay to get help. Me personally im going through this thing solo right now because I know I can. But if you know you cant, theres no shame in sharing your problems.
Think of it like an in person Yea Forums chat we're having right now

OOC what state you in?

Appreciate the honesty and genuine sympathy here. I'm definitely a weather/old 28. I don't have much of a social circle outside of my drug connects, and I never hang with them. It's just meet-ups for like 20 minutes or less to move some product and peace out.

I've tried to make other friends and I've found a lot of people with similar interests and whatnot, but the moment I reveal my background it's fucking over. It's way too deep and intense for most people so they either pull away completely and ghost me, or they stick around but change their behavior towards me. Treating me like a fragile piece of glass they pity or something, which I also don't fucking want, so I'm stuck in this catch 22.

Really hope you don't get that cancer. You should get scanned regularly as you age since you know you have the gene. Pancreatic cancer is a real motherfucker but you can beat it if you catch it early. The problem with it is that most people don't catch it early, that's why you need regular CT scans to monitor it.

Whatever you do don't be a fucking faggot like that retard Steve Jobs. He caught his early and could've lived if he had surgery and chemotherapy but the dumb fuck believed in idiotic eastern medicine so instead of getting surgery he flew to China and lived on fruit and vegetable juice thinking that would cure it. Dude was so smart he was literally retarded. Then he found out it didn't work and flew back to the U.S. and begged to be put at the top of the donor list and he got it because he was rich as fuck so they let him skip the line and he still died like a cunt.

Go with honor, friend

I'm in Virginia. My girlfriend is all over my ass to get help with a therapist or whatever, but I don't like opening up to people. Online it's different. I can just type it out and it comes out easily, but actually verbalizing it in person, especially to somebody I don't know/just met? I don't know how to do that. Especially once we start digging through the past and I have to talk about my fucked up childhood, the abuse I suffered, then all the cancer shit, losing almost everybody I loved in like 3 years (7 people), etc...

It's a heavy load of shit. I sometimes joke that if I ever saw a therapist and unloaded all of the shit I'm carrying around on them that they'd need to turn around and go see a therapist themselves.

LMAO about Jobs. Thanks for the reminder, the Baylor Health Institute definitely explained the importance of regular check ups and scans every 2-3 years.

I also feel you on the level of friends connecting to your problems. The majority of the time alot of them really don't. Besides my A-team/BFF squad I've truly only met one other individual who came up from similar struggles, and even we had a falling out and no longer talk. Hope we can be friends again Ayden.

> but I don't like opening up to people. Online it's different. I can just type it out and it comes out easily, but actually verbalizing it in person, especially to somebody I don't know/just met? I don't know how to do that.

We are the same fucking person. Sometimes I get too self conscious and sum it all up to mild autism or some dumb shit, really I'm way to intelligent to be that. I think the uncomfortableness comes from something else...I am 100% the same in that in my head I can poetically describe all my problems and all my solutions yet, when someone tries to talk to me in person about it or I try to verbalize whats going on, I just cannot put it into words.

Lol, you have a good sense of humor on you man. My parents always told me I could be a stand up comic. What's funny is, my brother, an Army vet with the same problems as me, is now a couple months away from becoming a licensed mental health therapist. He totally has tons of problems of his own still, but this one profession allows him to channel his emotions into helping others affix theirs.

You'll be fine if you just stay on top of it. Pancreatic cancer doesn't express any noticeable symptoms until it's in the late stages, so you don't wanna wait around to feel something different or off, because by the time that's happening it's too late. Scan it regularly. Maybe you won't get it at all, but if you do and you catch it early you'll be fine. It's an easy recovery when caught early.

Sorry to hear about your friendship struggles too. It seems to be more and more common these days. I blame social media a lot. Nobody seems to want to actually connect and do things IRL anymore. They just want you to like their faggoty status updates on FB and their pictures of their dinner on instagram. I'm not trying to sound like an old fart here because I'm only 28, but I really don't get that shit at all. I have a FB and that's it. And I only keep that to keep in contact with my best friend who lives in Mexico. Were it not for him I'd delete that shit instantly.

Throw in health issues or mental health issues and friendships get even more complicated. I feel a lot of people are super selfish these days. They view friendships not as genuine connections but as things they can get something from or something. It's weird. SO without any real genuine friendships besides my bro in Mexico, combined with the depression, health issues, and PTSD, and that's why I've been fucking with drug use for the last 3 years. Besides drugs the only good feeling I get anymore in life is doing something good for somebody else, like buying them a gift or donating to a charity or something, but even those feelings are fleeting.

what kinda music do you listen to?
Just put on Royksopp - Remind me, the geico caveman commercial music
lowkey fucking hits

100% this. I'm very eloquent and descriptive when it comes to talking about my condition, feelings, history, pain, etc... online or in written word. But in person I just clam up or I'll just say I'm "fine" and leave it at that, pretending that I'm okay just to avoid having to talk about what's really going on.

I'm glad you like my humor. That's another of the small things in life that makes me happy apart from drugs and helping people or animals - making people laugh. I love it.

Your brother sounds rad as fuck. That's pretty inspirational that he's fucked up too in his own way but is going to use it to try to help people. If I could get to a point where I was comfortable verbalizing all of my baggage I'd probably be pretty good at that too. I love talking to people as it is, but not that much about superficial shit. I like to get under the hood, so to speak. I wanna find out what makes you tick, what your problems are, what traumas you've suffered, what broke your heart, etc... That's the interesting shit to me. That we all have similar pains and struggles in common. The circumstances may be wildly different, but the end results are usually the same, and that's what makes people so fucking interesting to me.

I'm also anti-social IRL if you can believe that. So that's another hilarious irony in my life. That i love connecting to people on this deep, human level, but I'm incapable of doing it in person because I have anxiety like a faggot.

> but I don't like opening up to people. Online it's different. I can just type it out and it comes out easily, but actually verbalizing it in person, especially to somebody I don't know/just met? I don't know how to do that.

Very true. And I've had dire sick bouts within the last 6 months where I've actually let PC (pancreatic cancer) thoughts creep in. Now I just chalk it up to marijuana paranoia kek. But the truth remains! Its been 4 yrs since my gene testing. Need to go.

Breathe in, I am breathing in. Breathe out, i am breathing out.

Whats weird about the friendship was, even though we were true brothers and went thru near identical upbringings, we damn near looked identical. We both acknowledged our past and our future, yet we both still used drugs (weed, acid, bars). I view our friendship as genuine, and still do...but at the same time we both were something we could get from eachother....perhaps consolidation?

Ran out of meth, called it quits with the met head gf and getting drunk. Damn I’m gonna get depressed.

But wait, I’m an alcoholic and feeling good. Besides being on Yea Forums I’m reading the big book.

Why is the fucking human mind work like that? We know we really are not fine, yet when my mom asks me whats wrong, I say nothing mom...im fine. I dont want to worry her, I dont want to pass my problems on to her, so I just lie and say Im fine. Its easier than telling her whats really going on I guess. I love her, but often times I feel the truth in my heart is im incapable of love...idk it sounds stupid when I think about it. I guess it just boils down to being a selfish dick lol.

I wouldnt call myself an extrovert, But im not anti-social. I feel like if it werent for the drugs I'd still be some virgin faggot sitting in my room playing WoW.

>That i love connecting to people on this deep, human level, but I'm incapable of doing it in person because I have anxiety like a faggot.
I feel this way towards women all the time...ever since my first and only "gf" its only been hookups, never anything real and rooted. How do I get past that inner faggot and actually get a GF? I saw in earlier post you mention GF.

Just want to also add this is my first visit back to Yea Forums in over a year, on my first thread. I truly value our dialogue right now OP, its rare I can communicate to someone else like this. Anonymity is a gift and a curse, aye?

Weed can definitely hit you with that paranoia. That's why I don't use it anymore. Some people can smoke it all day every day and be fine. I've known tons of them. But for people like me it's gamble every time and when the paranoia hits it's so bad. I spend the whole trip just regretting it and waiting for it to pass.

Please get the scan soon, user. I've had cancer twice. I waited too long to get checked because I chalked up my symptoms to other shit too. My back pain was from being a tall motherfucker (6'7") who bends over too much. That's all it was. My sudden weight loss? I was working too much and skipping meals a lot, that's all. That enlarged lymph node in my neck? Well, I had the flu recently. It might just be inflamed from fighting off my illness. I'll be fine.

Wrong. That's your mind playing tricks on you and trying to rationalize everything away by coming up with excuses for all your symptoms because nobody wants to think of cancer or their mortality. Especially in your fucking 20s.

Had I NOT been a dickwad who found excuses for all of my symptoms I could've caught my shit much earlier and might not have suffered the second recurrence I did in 2017. But I didn't because I was a moron and I didn't want to face it.

Please get scanned. Make it part of your yearly routine or every 2 years. Don't be a faggot like me and make excuses. Your health is nothing to play around with. I've got the $200K in medical bills and long-term nerve damage and scars to prove it.

How did your relationship with the first GF end?

I'm so glad to have been of help or entertainment to you, dude. I've only been back the past few days, but I create these faded threads every night now. Tonight is night 3. Tomorrow night I'll be back and on some percs.

I live for conversations like this and I'm glad there's still an audience here for it. IDGAF about lollies and nudes and all that shit. I just scroll right past it looking for something deep or I just create my own thread like these faded ones.

I'm happy to have you.

Just had a spontaneous feeling of popping LSD, my neighbor/LSD dealer is currently at a bonfire towns away so thats not happening aha.

I put gf in parentheses because it was honestly my first real relationship as a man, the only girl I connected with in high school, took my virginity and after that we remained really good friends and hooked up every weekend or night off. We just stopped talking, I had just discovered sex at 18 and kinda became a manwhore banging every tinder chick. I called her on my 20th birthday last year drunk as all get out and she said she had walked outside her BF's apt to talk to me. I hung up.

wait, hold the fuck up. I smoked a doob tonight, and im not paranoid.
I have back tain (6'3). I am losing weight suddenly unless eating like a buffet all day. How large is a lymph node suppose to feel? I chalk those up to my tonsils or having done coke within the month. Like I said im only 20...I think my body is still just changing. I'm honest to God distraught to hear about your debt let alone actual health :/ I'm eating under 1,000 calories a day trying to lose weight to join air force actually.

Answer my question about music man, but can we pass off this cancer shit for just a few moments while I refresh my drink?
Currently got on Let's Groove by Earth wind and Fire. Fan of literally everything from country to classic to rap

I'm no professional so take this with a grain of salt - I'm just a damaged dude who has a lot of relationship experience. I was with my first gf for 5 years and she cheated on me. That took a huge part of me out of me that I don't know will ever come back. It was a betrayal of trust like I'd never experienced before. I crawled inside a bottle and stayed drunk for like 5 months afterwards, every night, in my bedroom, in the dark, alone, listening to music and drinking myself to death.

It took a very long time for me to trust a woman like that again and, if I'm being honest, I don't even know if I trust my current gf the way I did that first love. I don't distrust her, but I'm guarded. I have this armor or wall up at all times just incase, y'know? But she's a great girl who has been very understanding and stood by me even through the cancer. I don't have much in my life but I'm very lucky to have her. At the same time, I still can't open up to her the way I do you b/ros in these faded threads of mine, because I can't verbalize it like we talked about earlier.

It sounds to me like you have similar trust issues based on our past exchanges in this thread. Banging random pussy is great in its own right, but it gets hollow as fuck after a while. I'm sure you know that.

The only way you're going to get a girlfriend like that that you can really trust and rely on is to meet a nice girl. You'll know it when you meet her, and you're going to have to let that guard down a bit and be vulnerable to let her in. The dark, troubled, mysterious bad boy thing who is guarded and hurt and does drugs has its own allure to girls for sure, but it attracts similarly broken girls with similar problems. Sometimes that's a great thing because you can both open up completely and help each other with your problems. You kinda fit together like puzzle pieces. She can compliment your shortcomings and vice versa.

However...

(Continued)

A lot of times those same girls that are attracted to that kind of guy when you're in that bad way are poison themselves. Their damage can become yours. I had a thing with a girl after the ex of 5 years and before my current gf and that's exactly what that was. She was a gorgeous Bolivean/French mix. Interested in all the same shit I was and super passionate and creative with it all. Insanely high sex drive too. I was getting blown or fucked twice a day most days. It was an incredibly intense bond while it lasted, but the longer we were together the more our damage started hurting each other. She'd pour all of her shit on me and I wouldn't know how to handle it. She was raped once and a lot of times during sex she'd just break down crying and I'd stop and comfort her as best I could, but she was truly broken, the same as I was, and no matter how hard we tried we just couldn't complete each other like we wanted - We just inflicted more hurt on each other.

Tread carefully with those kinds of girls.

If you're eating under 1,000 calories a day that's most likely why you're losing weight. You're 20. That's really young for cancer. But bear in mind I had mine at 22. I had lymphoma. Lymphoma and testicular cancer are the most commonly diagnosed cancers in young men. Do yourself a favor and check your balls for any lumps. Check every side and underneath. If you feel a hard lump the size of a pimple or a pea you need to see a urologist. Lymphoma is different.

How does that lymph node feel to you? When you press on it is it squishy? Does it have some give to it or is it as hard as a rock? Can you push it around or is it fixed in position and rigid?

My bad. My long ass responses made me forget it for a sec.

I like all kinds of music. I listen to everything from classic rock like Tom Petty and CCR to modern and classic hip-hop like Eminem, Talib Kweli, and Kendrick Lamar, to shit like Lamb of God, Slayer, Converge, etc... Elliott Smith is my favorite musician ever and I love just about everything he ever wrote. I also jam on a lot of 90s alternative.

I can dig pretty much anything but country. I fucking hate that shit. I can listen to some Johnny Cash, but that's about it. All those songs with rednecks singing about their dogs running away or their tractor breaking down or going "muddin'" in their giant pickup trucks are just fucking trash and I feel like if put some country on and put my stomach up to the speakers that shit would reactivate the cancer in my abdomen.

Really I feel like I have experienced nothing like you now. I just smoked a cig btw and decided I'd go to bed, I read this and decided otherwise. I wonder where life will take me in the next 8 years, by the time im 28. Its a weird thought brother, Because Ive really only thought about what itd be like when im 60, or an old man... but in reality 8 yrs is not too far away, but its a whole 96 months of change. Huh.

I've never been into the whole damaged girl. I always try to hide my drug use from good girls I meet and talk with.

I met a redhead college girl at my community college earlier this year at an orientation, she was my groups student leader, and we really hit it off then. I was the only one listening and talking with her during the tour, and I thought to myself If i ever see her after this day I'll talk with her and see where it goes, bc I know I like her.

Well I saw her a week later in one of the 12 random buildings I happened to have a class in, I was walking out at 1:30 and she just so happened to pass in the hall. We spoke briefly and she remembered my name. She told me she just got accepted for a full ride scholarship to a Uni and was otw outiside to call her Grandma. I felt like i was nowhere near signifacnt to that, and kinda just ended our convo after obvious congratulations. To that end I hope i see her again so we can talk more.

doing the captcha and thinking about her im even getting mild butterflies. I can never talk to women when I have that feeling. How to get past it? Feel like this BS shouldve ended in High school and i should be able to confidently approach her

nothing on balls lol
always and right now feel like it has some give to it. lymph nodes are the 2 under ur jaw right? yea its squishy, But I am at 20% body fat and alot of thats in my neck.

fucking KEK
i love u bro

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That butterfly feeling is a bitch. I totally get it. It makes you nervous. You don't wanna say the wrong thing or come across weird or whatever. But that butterfly feeling is the exact feeling you need. It's your body telling you to go for it. Getting past is is hard as hell. You just have to suck it up and try it. If you have access to them, something like a benzo would help, maybe 1mg xanax or a klonopin before you went to see her. Problem is you don't know when you're going to see her again, so the next time you see her ask her some casual shit. Try to find out where she's staying or what other classes she's taking. That'll give you an idea of when or where you can see her again, then you can take the benzo and go try it out.

I've always had a problem with approaching chicks too. I've been damaged since childhood. All of my serious relationships with girlfriends have been a result of them initiating with me. Usually at some kind of social thing or something where I'm drinking alone by myself and they approach me.

8 years flies by faster than you think, bud. I remember when I was 20 like it was yesterday. I was still pretty fucked up, but it was before all the cancer and shit. I had a much better life and opinion of myself then.

How bad is your drug use? Are you recreational or a regular user? Would you be able to give it up for this girl?

if it makes sense, I feel like an alpha around my bros or other guys, I can always assume command. But around women, specifically ones I have feelings for, that aspect of me fades away and I go back to my virgin mentality of not knowing what to do.

Embarassing but true, the night I lost my virginity we laid in bed talking for hours before she realized I was too scared to take initiative and grabbed my dick. Perhaps that can offer insight

Lymph nodes are all over your body. The average person has between 500-750 of them. The ones under your jaw are super easy to feel, and if it has some give then you're fine. Mine was as hard as a stone and wouldn't budge. Plus it was noticeably bigger than the one on the opposite side. Probably twice the size.

You also have lymph nodes that are easy to feel in your clavicle area above your collar bone, and under your armpits. The rest are spread throughout your inner abdomen and thighs. They're not usually palpable. If they are, you got fucking problems.

I love you too, user. I'd love to share a beer and some pills with you while we listened to whatever you wanted. Sounds like we have a lot of music in common too. I grew up on a lot of classic rock because my dad listened to it a lot. The first band I ever got in to on my own was Guns N' Roses. I stole my dad's 'Appetite for Destruction' CD and listened to that bitch every day. That was the first time I fell in love with music. After that it was Nirvana and 90s alternative. It just grew and grew from there.

I don't really like much pop either. All these bitches on the radio singing and whatnot. I don't think they're talented. Beyonce has a great voice but it's not my style of music. The rest of them are kinda trash. Certainly not Whitney Houston levels of talent.

"Did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply 'Whitney Houston', had four No. 1 singles on it?”

I would be able to give it up. My use as of this week is recreational, a few dab puffs a night or joint of weed. I've quit cold turkey on the opiates and feel 200% better again, and better without smoking over a gram of dab a day. Havent used coke in 2 weeks and plan on keeping it that way. Havent used meth in....23 months give or take. My drug addiction is overcomeable. What I fear is the side effects from said addiction isnt

>the night I lost my virginity we laid in bed talking for hours before she realized I was too scared to take initiative and grabbed my dick.

Ahh, you too huh user?

A man of culture. LMFAO. Same goddamn thing for me here. I didn't even know she wanted to fuck me. We were getting drunk and she wanted to crash at my place. I didn't find that weird at all so I was like "sure." Then she wanted to crash in my bedroom with me and I didn't even pick up on that, I just thought she wanted to talk more since I was in the bed and she came in.

I was a goddamn moron. She she took my dick out of my boxer briefs and put it in her mouth it was the most pleasurable thing ever. We fucked for almost 2 hours and I was soaked in sweat and her pussy hurt. I couldn't get off. It felt great but I was too in my own head like "YEAH, SON. WE'RE FINALLY DOING IT!" to actually relax and be able to release.

I fucked her 3 more times that way in the next 2 weeks before I finally could cum. I was still too in my head. I had spent so long trying to get the pussy that once it was finally there I just wanted to keep pounding it, like a starved cat with food fearing somebody is going to come take it away.

You never know. If you hit it off with this girl you'd be surprised at how much a really deep, true love can fix inside of you. It's kind of crazy actually.

Never listened to Whitney, nor anything besides paradise city lol. Grew up on Eminem (mom) and Houston rappers, it had its own style of music. Ever since my heavy psychedelic use in high school my favor in music has taken a side step from a specific to all basically. I can literally listen to anything and like it...I appreciate the arts. Steely Dan is one of my favs. Tame Impala. Steve Miller. Every different mood of mine has a different genre it prefers, if that makes sense. I can be in the shower listening to Kanye West or singing along with Hall n Oates

were the same personnnnnnnnn, and i dont ever use this, but XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdDddddd

I feel you on this hard. I know all 4 of Em's albums front to back. That was a huge part of my growing up too. I still listen to his new shit, but nothing tops his first 3 albums IMO. You can't fuck with shit like 'Rock Bottom', 'Til I Collapse', 'The Way I Am' - His first 3 albums are certified masterpieces IMO.

Definitely on that classic rock shit too. Steve Miller is my wingman when I drink sometimes. I'm the same way with my music having to fit my mood. I have a Spotify playlist that I keep adding shit I like to and I'm currently at 1,495 songs and 101 hours and 16 minutes. I just keep adding and adding. Whenever I finish I'm going to make separate playlists for genres like rap, classic rock, metal, hardcore, punk, etc... So it'll be easier to find what I want when I'm in whatever mood, but that playlist right now is my road trip playlist. I travel throughout the state of VA pretty often. Usually 5 hour trips each way, so it helps to have a massive playlist full of shit I like for the trip.

we werent drunk, we had got mexican food (she's el salvadorian) and smoked a blunt together. Then in my room she hopped right on my bed and I took my chair like a fucking DWEEB lmao. Dont even remember how I got on the bed be it me laying down or her inviting me. I never was able to finish with her. Or the 2nd girl I laid with, pounded furiously for 45+min and gave up and told her to leave. Every girl since I've came inside within 10 minutes

>al 4 of Em's albums
buddy have I got news for you. Dont listen to Anything past rap god

Kek.

It was so fucking weird, man. I spent so long trying to get the pussy and getting nowhere and here she was throwing it at me. I didn't have to put in any effort at all to get it and I was just stunned. And once I was penetrating her I never wanted it to stop because I didn't know if I was ever going to get that shit again so I was trying to maximize my pussy playtime. LMAO.

My latest favorite song is Your Saving Grace by Steve Miller.

I'm gonna take a leap here, and maybe an asshole, but I'm gonna assume God does not play a role in your life. Do you believe in a God? If not, theres no judgement I pass to you. There's something about Jesus Christ that fills my soul and spirit and keeps me going in hard times. The feeling that He is always there and always will be is comforting to me.

Also a big fan of Bob Marley

In a weird way this is comforting to me as well. I think sometimes I may pretend to be too big for my britches

That's not truly fair. Some of the shit off 'Kamikaze' is really fucking good.

'Lucky You' is insanely good, IMO. Joyner fits with Em as good, if not better than Royce. It's a different style for 'Em for sure, but he executes it really well, and Joyner's part is pure fucking fire. He might even have the better verse.

'Not Alike' and 'The Ringer' are pretty great in their own right too. The rest is pretty listenable but not peak 'Em.

The closing track 'Venom' is just fucking annoying to me. That chorus of ADRENALINE, MOMENTUM, VENOM! VENOM! is just nails on a chalkboard to me. I know he just did it for the movie money, but still. That song is awful.

this thread has over 100 replies? you're pretty good at this glowniggotry thing.

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I've never heard the act of losing one's virginity so accurately described the way it played out in my head.

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OK i give you that. Its the one song I do like of Kamikaze. Now Bad Meets Evil Hell the Sequel is a fucking banger, every track.

probably 30% of that is me and OP in the past 2 hours lmao

No belief in God here. I've been an atheist as long as I can remember. My grandmother was a strict Irish Catholic and used to drag me to church all the time as a kid and I fucking hated it. Not just because it took me away from home and my precious video games for a while, but I just didn't believe it. I was a very skeptical child. I didn't even believe in Santa Claus, so religion was hard to believe.

I like the message of Jesus Christ. Of giving. Being selfless. Helping others and caring for the sick and needy. I'm totally onboard with all of that. Ever since I almost died from cancer the first time I've been a much more empathetic and giving person. I was a cold, acerbic, sharp-tongued, quick witted dickhead up until that point. I didn't care whose feelings I hurt and I had a major chip on my shoulder. I grew up in Philly too and that played a role. That whole fucking city is dog-eat-dog and we all have chips on our shoulders.

But I'm much more understanding and caring now. I give all I can to cancer charities, homeless people, cancer patients, and stray, sick, or injured animals. I do it because it's the right thing to do, not because I believe I'm going to be rewarded for it when I die. I envy religious people in a way because I think it must be nice to have that comfort of believing in something bigger than yourself, but I just don't have whatever that thing is to do it. Not even when I faced death in the ICU 7 years ago and a priest came by and asked me if I wanted him to pray with me.

I'm not a militant atheist either, though. I respect everybody's beliefs and accept them for who they are as people. My only problem with religion is when it contaminates politics and breaks separation of church and state.

Love Bob Marley too. 'Redemption Song' is another favorite of mine when I'm drinking. I used to play it on guitar and sing along with Bob all the time.

WYA OP

Turns out there are still some people here who like having real conversations about real shit rather than shitposting and looking at lollies.

This is my 3rd thread like this. There will be another tomorrow night.

I did everything I could that night too. I ate the pussy, got blown, ate that booty, finger fucked her, used some toys, got my balls licked and sucked. It was like I was a kid at Disneyland for the first time and I wanted to try all the rides. Had to get it all in at once because who knows when I'll get the chance again?

Do you have discord? if so join this random disc an user linked in another thread!
Z3BZ8v

'Fast Lane' is my motherfucking jam. I listen to it at least once every trip up to northern VA. My strategy always used to be wake up early, get in the car, go get some gas and Starbucks, pop 2 percocets, hit the highway, and blast that bitch at maximum volume to start my journey.

Royce is so goddamn smooth with it too. One of very few rappers who can rap on a song with 'Em and not get outshined. He actually feels like he belongs with him on the track. I feel that way about Joyner now too ever since 'Lucky You.'

I am a mouthy motherfucker. My posts are almost always paragraphs. I like to think it's quality content, but a lot of people tldr me because they can't read anything longer than a meme.

Virginia. You?

Copied. I have 2 discord accounts but I rarely use them. I would for you b/ros, though. I stopped using it when I had a falling out with this streamer chick (not a titty streamer - a genuine one) who developed romantic feelings for me while I was moderating her shit. It got weird, she knew I had a gf, and I had to X that shit and bounce.

lmao I posted that bc I thought you stopped posting for a sec, I saw from earlier post ur in VA. Im in Texas btw. Ft worth
no comment

I used to Mod for a Mod of Sodapoppin lmao

Why no comment? Kek.

Why the fuck is it that like 80% of the cool people I meet online are from Texas? What is it with you motherfuckers? I know cool ass dudes all over Texas from Ft. Worth, Dallas, Houston, Weatherford, San Antonio...

Growing up in northeast Philly I always had the stereotypical view of Texans being a bunch of roughneck/redneck type shitkickers with cowboy boots and ten gallon hats. Then I grew up and most of the cool people I know are Texans.

Stereotypes are so dumb.

I'm not too in to streaming, but I like it on occasion. 'Extra Life' in November is my fucking bag. I love the cause. I love donating to children's hospitals and helping out sick kids in any way I can. It always makes me feel better about myself. When I was recovering from chemotherapy in 2017 I got out of the hospital on October 28th, and 'Extra Life' was the following week. I couldn't barely walk, so I spent a lot of time alone in bed just trying to force some food down and get my strength back, then I stumbled across 'Extra Life' and I donated like $200 and stayed up the full 24 hours with this dude I like from youtube - SomeCallMeJohnny. It was a fucking riot. I was making all kinds of donations with meme messages and cracking people up in the chat and whatnot. It was truly a gift. It made me forget about being sick for just a while and learn how to enjoy myself again temporarily.

I do AGDQ and SGDQ too. Charity streams are the best.

Yea alot of us can embrace that Stereoptype is we so please, its in our blood so to speak. But in reality Dallas/Ft Worth metroplex has a bigger population than the state of Delaware and Rhode Island combined. Your stereotypes is more out in the country of Crockett or Sweetwater where there aint no big citiies for 100s of miles, most of us in the cities are just like you hahah. join that discord bro

But regarding that chick - I just met her online randomly one night. Stumbled across her stream and she was really chill. Not one of those attention whore streamer types. The more comments I made the more I realized we had in common. She was even in VA like I was, just a few hours north. I got mod status and power in her discord in like a week. We talked a ton. I really enjoyed talking to her because we had so much in common. Deep shit like I've talked about with you guys tonight. But somewhere along the line she caught feelings and that made everything fall to shit because I'm not that guy. I've never cheated on a girlfriend in my life. She wasn't encouraging it, but she was getting more and more flirty and I just had to bounce.

It sucked. That's happened with me a few times in life with cool girls I've met. It's like they're okay being friends with me up to a certain point but then things switch and they start walking that line of trying to fuck me or whatever when I'm just looking for a friend. It's hilarious in a way because girls always complain about male friends acting that way towards them, but I've had the same experience but with girls as friends.

How do I join it? I'm a discord newb of sorts. I copied the link thing, but where do I paste it in discord?

Disregard. I subverted my retardation and figured it out.

on the left side of your discord app, there should be a circle with a Plus sign in the middle of it, press that and then follow the link protocol, discord gg / code