Suppose that you want to seriously hurt yourself without dying and make it look like an accident to get away from some...

Suppose that you want to seriously hurt yourself without dying and make it look like an accident to get away from some recent fuck ups, what would you do?

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How hurt would you need to be, like in a hospital or just slightly cut

Enough to be completely unavailable for a week or two at least (it's even better if I get hospitalized)

Shameless self bump

Alright, it will hurt like a motherfucker but get some boiling water and splash it on your legs then call an ambulance

Is my dick at risk here?

just act like you want to kill yourself and go to the psych ward. freak the fuck out til they admit you for 30 days
no need to even hurt yourself

KYS

Just splash it on your knees down, your dick should be fine

dont do this. you'll get 2nd/3rd degree burns and its not worth 2 weeks

just do this, user. take a knife with you for safe measure if you want. make a scene and you'll be medded out, feet up, eating tuna salad sandwiches to your hearts content

you'll even get sympathy points from people who give a shit about you

I would pull my head out of my ass, and face my fuckups

Find a bunch of niggers and scream I HATE NIGGERS. You might wake up in a week.

But it needs to look like an accident

Bump

I would if it was something more personal, but is more of a monetary thing that could seriously fuck up my future

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make a rube goldberg machine that has something heavy in it and make it look like it crushed you on "accident"

Get a sledgehammer and brake your foot then say that it was run over

I mean the water idea is seriously doable... if not fucked. You could also roll a car over your foot. Jump from a balcony, break a leg or something.
You can also get baker acted and/or go to a pysch ward like some other anons suggested. Your choice, my man.

Jump off your roof and say you fell cleaning the gutters.

How painful is breaking your foot?

brutal

Dude the automotive industry has entire sectors of development based around the concepts of self harm, get off the bus at the wrong time, leave a taxi early, ride a bike down a steep hill.

What wud I do? Walk around parking lots

>water idea is seriously doable
Third degree burns will require plastic surgery you moron. And infections can kill a person. Fuck off.

You don't have to make it a rolling boiling for fuck sakes

I broke my femur in a car wreck. Required morphine after surgery.

Hire someone to shoot you in the dick

just go away you stupid cunt.

I'm seriously considering hiring someone to shoot me in the leg or something like that

face the music you piece of shit.

so how the hell does going to hospital for 2 weeks save you?

Leg is too risky because of all the arteries have him shoot you in the arm

Break your leg brop

Are you like 14 if you bring a knife in public with you and are acting threatening you might end up in the psych ward for a week then you’ll go to jail. What the fuck man. No.

Who the flying fuck just gets boiling water all over their leg? I’m pretty sure you have to get skin grafts for that. And this other guy is suggesting SMASHING YOUR FOOT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. Fuck if you guys are being sincere this is some seriously retarded shit

Femur =/= foot but close

You dumbass is clearly attempting to get OP to fuck his legs up for no reason

lol right?!

It gives me an official leave and could potentially hamper an investigation that may begin in a couple of days about me

this. Fan blows the balloon, balloon tips the board, board drops the ball, ball nudges the candle, candle burns the rope, rope drops the piano, problem solved.

Looks awfully shady...

the investigation will occur with or without you present.

better be present and sabotage the investigation

Not really. The thing I'm trying to avoid is happening in my university. They haven't figured out but it's a matter of time for that to happen. Only an accident could get me an immediate temporary leave and if that happens my school has to take me down from the system thus stopping that investigation from ever happening.

This sounds military-related. If it isn't, how high-profile is your job? Are you making 6+ figures with a family? Is this a criminal investigation or like an HR investigation? Are you getting court-martialed, #metoo'd, or doing a perp-walk?

nevermind this, thanks for clarifying.

>school "has to" take me "down" from "the system"
>for accidental injury

niggawhatchusmokin

did you cheat on a test? or plagiarize? or is some bitch crying rape?

It's a policy from my school

ok, look. you probably are under some kind of delusion that you can superman the system by hurting yourself and going to hospital. I honestly don't think I can give you an explanation as to why it wont work and why you are talking crazy. you, or someone close to you, has convinced your panicked mind that something like this would work and now you are on Yea Forums (probably posting from your phone too.)

the only possible way your idea would work is if whatever they are investigating isnt as serious as you make it out to be. in which case, dont potentially cripple yourself over it. lay low like every other fucking human in history when they were trying to get away with something. jesus dude. jesus.

It's related to the way I make money to pay for my university

answer these questions or just fuck off to the advice board:

>who is conducting the investigation: the university or a third party
>is what you did considered illegal in your country
>would you face criminal charges or would any punishment be at university level
>explain in detail how getting removed from the "system" would somehow shield you from any kind of inquiry

I am 90% sure you are just some phonefag LARPer who is bored, and your inability or refusal to answer the questions above should be a strong signal for everyone else in this thread that you are some 14 yo kid fucking around

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>suppose you want to commit insurance fraud

Shoot yourself. Accidentally

>who is conducting the investigation: the university or a third party
At first it will be the university, but if they link some other stuff to me I could get in serious trouble
>is what you did considered illegal in your country
Yes
>would you face criminal charges or would any punishment be at university level
Criminal charges, more likely
>explain in detail how getting removed from the "system" would somehow shield you from any kind of inquiry
You see, I, not the school, have noticed that the way I'm paying for my school has been very sloppy. I'm pretty much getting heavy amounts of money out of thin air and there's no way I could explain where that money is coming from. I'm honestly thinking about getting out by hurting myself so I don't raise any suspicions. Is more paranoia than anything really

alright, the university is not a bank. tuition and even grants and funds through schools is a classic money laundering scheme for criminals. if all you are doing is paying tuition, nobody is going to investigate how. why would they? seriously, why on earth do you think a university gives a shit about where the money comes from as long as it comes? especially if its from some nobody kid that is shelling out a fortune for a degree that is basically worthless? not to go off on a rant here, but college in general is just a financial bottleneck to give rich people a head start. so what on earth could possibly make you think that paying your tuition would raise a flag?

>Hey, we're noticing something weird with user's funding
>What's that? He's in the hospital? Some freak accident with a sledgehammer?
>He'll be back in two weeks right? Guess we'll investigate then
You a dummy, and even if you'd have an indication that they will investigate tomorrow, being hospitalized is not a get out of jail free card.
If you're doing something criminal and were/are sloppy, you'll get caught. At best you're buying yourself a little more time, but you'll just mutilate yourself and still get fucked in the end.
Stop being paranoid and be smarter with your crime whatever it is.

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survive shooting yourself
say it was a random robber with a revolver