I’m gonna kill myself.
I don’t feel like a real human being. I feel like a gross creature. every time I look in the mirror I’m disgusted by what I see. Regardless of how well I groom myself, I look in the mirror and I’m legitimately disgusted. Imagine the feeling you get when you see a rodent or a large insect. That’s the mental and physical reaction I get when I see myself. Pure horror and disgust.
I can’t seem to connect with people. They’re either annoyed, afraid, or disgusted by me. I’ve literally had entire classrooms of people ask me why I even exist or ask why I act the way I act. Or tell me that they can’t stand me. Either that, or they can’t even be bothered to talk to me or even look at me.
I’m a weirdo. I was diagnosed with OCD at 13. and I’m always thinking about deranged things that just won’t get out of my head. I also might have bipolar disorder but I’m not sure. Either way I’m obviously mentally sick and I don’t deserve life.
I was supposed to kill myself two weeks ago on my 18th but I started getting into writing music and that held me off for a while. But then it hit me that I have no vocal, instrumental or lyrical talent. Nothing excites me more than music, but I don’t even have the talent or confidence required to even participate in it.
I’m worthless. There’s a billion depressed kids out there but I promise you that they have some redeeming qualities. I have none. I’m not killing myself because I’m sad. I’m doing it because I have to. You see an insect?you kill it. You see a monster? you slay it.
Call me over dramatic, a pussy, a liar, immature, etc... call me whatever you like. But I literally don’t care about myself. Never have, never will.
I’m done.
