Write whats on your mind

Normalfags like to talk about being sad/depressed, therefore being unhappy is popular now, therefore I’m going to be happy to be different
Lol lose some weight fag

Ha ha, great posts so far, especially fat and gay poster.
Good job, kudos, etc.
Think positive and bee yourself!

Shouldn't it be "what's in your mind" or more precisely, "what's of your mind"?
hmMMMmmmmmm

I have a date tomorrow for the first time in over a year and it would be real neat if she turns out to be a cool person. Hopefully I'm not too autistic

I want to die but I can't ever seem to force myself to take the last step. Fear of excruciating pain even for a moment, lingering as a vegetable and divine punishment are all that give me pause.

Lucky you. I haven't had a date in ten years. Cherish your luck friend.

>I can’t seem to force myself
Cognative dissonance m8. You don’t want to die. This is a good thing.

good luck, bro.
i don't even want to die so much as i just don't want to live on this planet in this nightmare time period anymore.

Why are so many movies just okay or even bad? Why does it happen? A cinematic undertaking is so ambitious and expensive to do badly, I just don't get it...

its the same reason most art and literature is mediocre or bad - it sells.

I hate my job

It really isn't though. I need to be dead. People like me shouldn't exist and it's getting worse all of the time.

It been this way all year I basically consider this the worst year of my life so far, I havent felt well for ten months or more. I know it's all downhill from here.

I left work last night without telling anyone around 3 am for the second time in the last three months I don't have a car or a driver's license and I work out of town so it's a 12 mile walk that I can make in 2 hours tops..

I laid down in the field and slept while it rained. I've been praying like crazy but I've known for years that I'm already damned.

I kept telling myself I was going to jump in front of a semi.

If I ever get my hands on a gun again I won't hesitate. I know all the misery that it's causing my mother and father and I don't want to make them miserable anymore but it's going to happen sooner or later. I know that on an instinctual level.

Why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up? It's all I do is sleep.

I have a friend who said he could get me some LSD and I really want to try it, even if it does just make me miserable, but I know that's never going to happen like so many other things.

I'm at the end of my rope and I'm trying to hang on for the sake of the people I claim to care about, but it has to happen.

I have to go away.

Literally like totally

I can’t stop jacking off. I really wish to stop, but I always come back after 2 days. Then im left with guilt and shame. I also feel like a fucking retard for not having to will power to stop.

The*

what do you do, user?
user, you're depressed and it's clouding your judgement. you need to get help.

bro, i've been down that road, and all i can say is this. you really just have to put it all on the line, just really make a choice, have that action, and in the end, just bee yourself.

I've been taking antidepressant s for years, seen a psychologist for years, none of it works or matters anymore. I'm never going to be alright again. I'm never going to change.

Thanks frens we're all gonna make it

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I don't even know the English equivalent for this, but I work in color matching automotive paints.

I've been neglecting my goals for 2 years now. When I think of how much progress I could have made, it makes me so depressed I lose the motivation to start working those goals. 2 years... fuck me, I could be fluent in a new language by now if I'd have tried.

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But thinking about it, I think I hate my company and the people there more than the job itself.

nope. some of us will though.

my ex gf had to switch her meds 3 times before she found something that worked. don't give up user, please.
you should look around, i feel like your job has pretty high demand, maybe you could find a company that has a healthier culture and employees.

You may. I won't. But that's just natural selection.

At least you have an ex. Women never give me even the slightest chance.

not that user, but why even bother living if you need pills just to not blow your brains out?

It does have that, honestly I will just wait this month and I'm getting out of there.

u retarded bro? you have like 60 years left in your life

I just want to live

To placate others so they don't have to suffer through survivors guilt. Because suicide is selfish and those who love God and life have a sense of purpose and meaning in their lives and the damned dont. Yada yadda yada.. I'm just rambling off of some of the shit I've read through today.

wasting my youth alone
locked away from the masses
will i regret it?

Do or dont, you'll regret it either way.

it would be like early gangster rap, 808 beats, really hypnotic, and just really plain. anthems for sin. It would be so retarded bordering funny, but really catchy and bad ass. that’s the only way it could be done

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I think I like a girl but she's a lesbian.
I haven't had feelings for a girl in 5 years

have you tried asking women out? you can make yourself more marketable by improving hygiene, eating healthier, being employed, and exercising for starters.
the world isnt like a novel. we're all fucked in the head, but we still keep on living. if you went to the doctor and they prescribed you medication for some illness, you would take it. why not take medication for chronic depression? at the end of the day, we have to come back to earth and live - why not make it bearable? or at least try?
it's always a good idea to keep your resume up to date and your options open, even if you're happy where you are. you never know how the company is really doing or how stable your job is now.

Consider the possibility if even entirely hypothetical, that if you end your life "you" will simply have to repeat it again in some form and end up in the same scenario again. Ultimately we make our own reality.

If I could go back to the beginning of this year, by god I'd fix it.

But there is no such mercy.

Whether you are religious or not this suffering will transform you user. You are worthy.
You are not damned.
youtube.com/watch?v=g3f-wuC2Omo

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Go to your local library. They usually have activities they do. Go outside of your comfort zone in general. It's obviously not doing you any good. You don't have to wait for something bad to happen to change shit. You can change whenever your ass decides to move and do something.

I've been in your position a coupe of times before and I always ended up regretting my attempt. You should force yourself to do anything else. You have to.

You anons are much maligned sometimes but I think that there are some very kind and lovely people among you. Thank you for being my friends, no matter how far away and faceless you may be. If I could give you all a big hug (and maybe a kiss) I would.

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I see the little puppets move, and I ask whether it is not an optical illusion. I am amused with these puppets, or, rather, I am myself one of them: but, when I sometimes grasp my neighbour's hand, I feel that it is not natural; and I withdraw mine with a shudder. In the evening I say I will enjoy the next morning's sunrise, and yet I remain in bed: in the day I promise to ramble by moonlight; and I, nevertheless, remain at home. I know not why I rise, nor why I go to sleep.

The leaven which animated my existence is gone: the charm which cheered me in the gloom of night, and aroused me from my morning slumbers, is for ever fled.

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Why do phoneposters always make such abhorrent posts?

nope, i will continue to decay into the lowest state possible for a man. whatever happens after that point is unknown to me.

thats fuckin gay, bro.

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That's entirely up to you.

no it really isn't.

Hugs and kisses don't need to be sexual.

>t.

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Fuck trig and algebra for making calculus gay

Fuck school for taking up 85% of my day i want to lift and have fun more

Fuck my c++ prof for being such a cunt, who tf fails someone over a minor syntax error thats not actually an error he just doesnt like it

Bless my gf but i cant tell if i love her

Damn these pants are tight and ive been in this library for 6 hours now and im feelin it

I don't want to be here anymore.

>tfw 25 year old boomer undergraduate

two men can hug each other, but they can't kiss each other. thats homo.

Post while on the shitter results in shitposts.

Anyone else feel exhausted all the time. I can barely stand without support at times. I don't know how people can work 40 hours a week and not feel utterly exhausted.

Rot then. It's obvious you're comfortable in your pain now, so being in a better place would be pain for you. No one knows what the future holds for them. It is unknown for the happy people just as for the sad people. Nothing special there. Learn to cope.

You won't leave.

No, I won't.

>It's obvious you're comfortable in your pain now, so being in a better place would be pain for you.
you're probably right. i'll play it safe and rot.

so you enter the store and you scan the aisles and fuck why is this store so big and you start walking. gardening equipment, bolts, hammers... where the fuck is it. why does this hardware store have so much stuff in it, did I walk past here already... where is it... ah here it is. fucking hell I didn't know there could be so many different kinds of ropes. white black blue yellow so many different shapes and sizes and thickness and... wait a minute... they have to cut the rope to a certain length? why isn't there like a fixed length fuck I have to talk to a clerk. uh. yachting? I don't know anything about yacths. Climbing? don't look like much of a climber.. I have to tie some stuff together? what stuff? fuck what do people use ropes for... do they lift something? what if I tell the clerk that I'm doing a favor for someone else? what if he sees it in my eyes and can tell?

>thats homo.
No, it's just an expression of appreciation for you anons.

a homosexual expression.

I haven’t had an extended conversation with anyone in over 5 years. The smallest most innocuous things seem to stick in my mind these days. Like how a cashier smiled at me and told me to have a nice day or how I handed someone a pencil four weeks ago and they thanked me. The most meaningful human interaction I’ve had in the past couple years is when I saw a lady about to drive off with her coffee still on the roof of her car and managed to warn her before it spilled. She thanked me profusely and went about her day, I doubt she even remembers but that moments been etched into my mind ever since. Wish I could connect with others and escape the drudgery but I don’t think I’m capable. Since escape isn’t possible I’ve been trying to make myself feel content but that’s proving to be exceedingly difficult.

It's not what I would recommend, but you want to hear what you need to hear to support your own belief in yourself. I'll tell you know, though, if you're gonna rot do something neat before it all goes down hill. Go take a swim, go outside and play with a stick, read another book, paint on your walls, try to learn how to suck your own dick. Rot in pleasure. Have fun, user. And stay hydrated.

Not if you're firmly positioned as a straight man. Why can woman act gay as fuck and still be positioned firmly on the straight side, but men can't even look at each other without worrying about being called out as gay. It takes more than a physical touch to be attracted to a completely different sex as your own, user.

i'll do something "neat" when i've hit peak rot. it won't be some gay hedonistic thing though. you can't rot in pleasure, then it wouldn't be rotting.

If you say so. Scared you might like it?

no...

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Not even just a little one on the cheek?

Fruits rot in pleasure. As they rot, leaving their sickly smell of death in the air, they let go of their seeds, breeding life as the dead fruit provides nutrients to the future generation of fruit.

>chronic depression since puberty
>Body dysmporphia/gender dysphoria (not sure which)
>Inflammed nerve in leg keeps me from sleeping
>OCD/hypochondria
>MPB
>Born into a cult, shunned by family
>College dropout
>Military reject
>Haven't slept since Saturday night
Guys, I don't think I'm very good at this life thing

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I don't want to slip deeper into dispare

Im trying to stay positive. I'm over drawn on my bank account. I need to apply to jobs related to my degree. Hopefully adding this Azure Cert will help me.

I have to work out. I hope it makes me feel better

I wanna feel loved again

I wanna dance with someone on crystalline floors under a starry night sky

I wanna hug my best friend and tell her she's my favorite person in the world

I wanna draw my feelings away

I wanna be held and loved

just over a week with no alcohol or wanking. really excited to see what two weeks feels like, then a month. thinking of my brain as being "broken" and now in a "repair" phase. manually training myself to remember things again and to learn to read bodies of text without losing interest. feeling a bit purposeless but in an empowering way. think i might start asking girls on dates, but im desperately poor and my shifts for this week were just cancelled (and if im to continue sobriety that shuts a lot of possibilities down,

sorry these are not by any means interesting and i can imagine difficult to read given lack of punctuation. but i am enjoying typing, it feels cathartic.

The world is in shambles, the clintons kill people, the fbi listens in on your mobile devices, and the governments of the world are taking away rights little by little. This is definitely not lit.

I see it all falling apart. But what falls apart comes together again. Different next time.
Everything has always been the same thing, only that it partakes different guises.
The many masks of matter; the one actor, energy.
Over the aeons Nature throws up its pantomimes, the same thread of energy flowing through each simultaneous event within that stratum of time. Molten rock, dinosaurs, people.

If this is true the only thing I lose in death is my individuality. The Thing keeps purring along. :^)

The law of conservation of energy implies a Unity of Nature. This is lost on paltry scientists, only a True Metaphysician such as myself can see it.

Girlfriend may very well be pregnant. She’s shown all the early signs. She’s really worried, really scared, though last night over the phone I told her everything was going to be fine. Really trying to keep it together, but jesus christ a baby would fucking destroy me, in all the ways you’d imagine for a 26 year old couple who’s been dating for 6 months. She’s going to the doctor tomorrow.

I feel nauseous. Everything was perfect.

i'm a failure in every aspect and it's entirely my fault. it's hard to live with yourself when you're the one to blame. i don't want to be here anymore.

Except your pull-out game

fire emoji x 3

I recently lost my virginity which means one of my two goals in life is complete. After I become a millionaire I can finally kill myself without too much guilt.

This is actually kind of well written, with a little bit of polish you could be a 3rd rate Houellebecq.

I'm out of the country with a client on an audit. I am horrifically underslept and have a terrible cold. The workday starts in an hour. I want to die.

Been dealing with breaking multiple addictions and getting past the need for constant instant gratification.
Quitting video games, porn, and weed is hard as shit when you’ve been used to easy dopamine for years, but my dopamine receptors are practically nonexistent due to this constant craving.
Here’s hoping it gets easier. Anyone else /sober/ here?

>OCD
Try exposure response prevention therapy.
Life with OCD fucking sucks even when you have it under control.

Am I crazy or have I been noticing more female posters on the boards I visit? Shit is weird. I also seem to attract crazy women and yet I still try to seek a partner.

I'm addicted to (You)s.

This is irrational and catastrophic thinking that you clearly believe is true. Surely your therapist hasn’t done a great job if you’re still telling yourself nonsense like this. I’d suggest looking into cognitive behavioral therapy. There’s plenty about it online, and it works wonders even when self-administered. Or don’t, and continue to wallow in your misery. As always with this kind of thing, it’s a choice. And only you can make it.

I want to die

same

my nature led me here, i don't think i had any control over it. it was inevitable

r/latestagecapitalism

IAM SAD AND I WANT TO LIVE BUT IM STUCK ON THIS CHAIR AND IM SCARED BECAUSE I'M STARTING UNI IN A FEW HOURS.

CBT for depression is hard as fuck because of how much it relies on you being motivated to do the actual work.

lose weight, you're a disgrace to fags everywhere

This image

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Every time I read this I think about how many years I've wasted here and tell myself I'll leave. Then I open up a new thread and keep on posting. Sometimes I manage to leave but give it a few weeks, maybe a few months, I always come back and the cycle continues.

Suicide is the only way out.
PS. Fuck niggers.

I don't know why dude but the "you are not having fun" line hits me the hardest. I guess cause I know it's true

I'm the same. Even a (You) on Yea Forums sticks with me. Sometimes I just look through the archives and dig up old (You)'s to remind myself that I exist, that some part of me made contact with another soul even if only for an insignificant moment. Even though it doesn't really mean anything I have to make it something for the sake of my sanity.

Have one on the house.

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There are a bunch of police and firetrucks down the street. How do I look up what's going on?

I decided that I would finally indulge in my LSD-induced psychosis "revelations" by writing them out. It turns out that I just hacked together Nietzsche, Plato, Plotinus, Sartre, Jung, and Wittgenstein. The point is I'll try to refine it so it becomes a more cohesive system and it more accurately represents what I believe and see. The problem I have is how I have this intense desire to bounce ideas off people instead of actually reading. I guess this is based on my fear of looking stupid or saying something obviously false. It feels as though my ideas aren't valid until someone besides me agrees with me, and that's hard when the people I agree with died before I was born. People seem too focused in reminiscing and "living in the moment" rather than trying to pave a better path forward. I have come to understand people much more rapidly than I used to, and they all seem to fit a Form of sorts. I can very rapidly tell them exactly what their fear is, their greatest weaknesses, and all of their insecurities, but most people hate being known so rapidly with so little information given out. I don't know if I broke my brain or if I came to understand something beyond what is normal. I fear that there is no longer a place for me in society after coming to this knowledge.

I haven't had a date for 21 years (I'm 21)

MODS

FUCKING MODS

WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING IMBECILES?
HOW THE FUCK IS THIS LITERATURE?

I have that disgusting post fap feeling, debating if I should take a shower or if that would disturb my roommate. I've had a sore throat and stuffy nose the past few days that sucked. My grandpa died today. He's not really been all their for a while so I don't know what to feel. Definitely feel bad for my mom. I had a really bad weed trip a few weeks ago, I've slowly been coming back to myself and coming out of my dissociative state. Leaving the thought world it feels like I'm leaving behind a lot of knowledge, but then once I think that I'd go back into it for a bit and be terrified and want to give it all away again. I feel a little guilty because its like I'm using my grandfather's death to ground myself back into this reality. Although death scares me like nothing else, and his passing should be ineffably sad for me, its like the death of a loved one makes me feel like I'm back on the archetypal wheel of life. I'm sure my grandpa would want me to feel better, still I wish I was sadder, partly to better respect his memory, and partly to make myself feel more human. The latter part for some reason makes me feel a bit guilty as well. I do get a bit sad when I remember how he would fold me and my brothers into a sandwiches when we were little kids. Thinking of sandwiches makes me feel hungry. Guess I'll take a shower, get something to eat, then sleep.

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Fuck roasties

what to do, what to eat, how to be awake during normal hours and be productive, have energy, or what the consequences are for giving up as usual

Last night was torture. I dreamt of someone I barely remembered, dressed in a white suit. Like completely white except for their tie which was gold.
And they sat there in front of me like some sort of prophet, and I could feel a darkness radiating off me seeping into every crevice and battling their light.
I felt like a villain. And I’ve thought villainous things.
Because they’ve told the crowds of people I didn’t know, like a flock of sheep in front of a pastor, that they got divine inspiration and will pursue their life writing the world’s first, last and only true masterpiece. And I wish I was happy for them, but I felt like a locust that was about to get crushed. Like I was the only sheep with dark, ugly, oppressive wool.
Like a parasite that was leeching off of something that shouldn’t be interfered with. Like I should just “accept my destiny”, as if my destiny was to be a subject in a lesser world, but inevitably couldn’t, for I represented the evil that would, by someone else’s words, “try to stop this good from coming into fruition”. Like the choice was made for me.
The only thing I felt on my own was the crushing sadness that whatever I write before or after that, it won’t have any more or anywhere near value to The Masterpiece. But every other word felt like it was shoved into my mouth like venom for me to spew.

When I woke up, I started questioning my life. Was this really what I should be doing? Do I have desires that will crush my dreams and leave nothing but dust?
Another thing to be afraid of, anons. Questioning something that I grew to love as an objective, ineradicable part of life.
And seeing something that I already loved so dearly as just an endeavour to write something that tops every single fate and person, and not something that gives me inner peace and the only true way to correctly articulate my true feelings.

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The strong and powerful have a right by nature to rid the world of those they see as weaker and beneath them. This is a law as old as history itself.

.t

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This entire time I have been reaching out looking for answers, thinking I can just find that one piece of advice, or that one book that would tell me how to live happily

After searching for so long, I’ve finally realized the answers I desperately seek lie withtin

>never thought that i'd be capable of emotional suicide until i broke two bones by punching the wall out of despair
Im afraid of myself.

Posted from my phone

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Kek

U actually like men

the fact that i was born ugly, short and antisocial completely destroying any chance of a woman feeling any sort of affection for me kills me on the inside. I don't even want a gf but the fact that i know i can't have one, at least not a genuine one, literally hurts me physically.

If it means anything, knowing that you're normie appearing and its completely your lack of socials skills at fault for the fact you'll never get laid, sucks a lot too.

If it means anything, getting laid for the first time is actually very anti-climactic.

i want to strangle you

Good luck; stay sober. I'm trying to stop drinking as well.

That's okay, I'm into that.

until the lights in your eyes go out

And then fugg my corpse, right?

No, i will just leave you and torch the house

Ow, the edge.

How is that more edgy than fucking your corpse

I am highly depressed and don't feel like reading or watching anything; some days I don't even eat. I bought an ereader a month ago and I have only read one book.

I can’t stop shitting

Ginn I dree kommin on thir locus I ween at I will faa naethin bot dule. Fy, I will shord fae nou an fae a nammie. Mibie sidnae. Mibie sid. I juist cannae blinnae iz. Nae kennins hounae.

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based

Says who?

The homo is in the eye of the beholder

reading is a waste of time

In order to be loved, you have to give love. Loving, really loving, is the most difficult thing in the world. But if you do, it will be given to you. If you really love, eventually, it will all be returned to you, and more.

I cant love myself or anyone. Im not a human.

waaa waa waaaa oh my GOD, there's a thread where people are actually writing their thoughts and conversing, moooooooooods waaaaaaaaah hellllp mooooooooooodssssssss

You can't only because you don't want it enough.

This is literally the master-slave dialectic

Everyone's miserable in their own way. Just feel what you feel, and I'm sure you'll continue to stick out like a sore thumb.

I just dont find any rational reason.

I have severe abandonment issues and i want to kill myself

Were you abandoned in childhood?

I'm not particularly depressed (or at least nowhere near the same level back when my depression first started rearing its ugly head) but I have this constant feeling of meaningless about everything I do. I'm reading a lot, I'm actually taking my studies seriously, I don't hate my job, but at the same time I just can't find a reason to do all I'm doing. I see nothing changing in the long-term, is what I think I'm feeling.
Maybe it's the lack of having someone to share my day-to-day life with, but I'm just too autistic to bother and my natural introspective nature make being alone something akin to a comfort zone. I don't crave social interaction but it would be nice to hang out with people once in a while or have a relationship. Meh.

Are you a cute girl, if yes than be my gf if no you can kys idc

I want something else.

I want more.

I'm twenty one years old and i still haven't figured out what love means to me.

you know what, catholicism actually makes a lot of sense

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Update: I have a job interview in two hours and I don't want to go.

[Japanese cityop plays]

don't go if you are drunk, recruiters talk to each other you know

a lot more than Protestantism

Like and share if you agree

I'm all dressed and breakfasted and sober, I just don't want to work desu

complained to my manager about gossiping coworkers and being overworked. She didnt give a shit. I accused her of nepotism and she told me to leave. Then I walked out.

I am fucked. What jobs can i do that involve literally no interaction with a human being.

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You gotta do what you gotta do..you got this buddy

People read and react to your posts, even if they don't reply. You won't be aware of this, because we don't have gay artificial rating systems.

Any type of craft/factory/computer operator job.

Its full of idolatry you fucking mong

not really

You're right :(

women will never experience true hardships in life

ARGHHHHH IM CUMMING

deluded cunt

Untrue. I'm assuming you think that because they can get sex easier than men can? It's a strange notion among incels that sex = happiness. Besides, being sexually desired like a woman is brings about its own problems. You think women are happy that people give them attention just because they want to fuck them?

>You think women are happy that people give them attention just because they want to fuck them?
Yes.

That's untrue though. I've talked to women who've said that they're disheartened by the fact that they're only wanted for their bodies. You can imagine how vain such relationships are. It's kinda like famous people. They have so many sycophantic fans and yes-men but very few genuine friends.

Hmm the more I read into it the more it seems Jesus was perhaps a bit gay for the John the Apostle.

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Ba-dum tsss

who the fuck has genuine friends?

>ten years.
Lol try 19 years. Cherish your luck fren

I remembered seeing The Secret in 2006 and, despite disliking its focus on expedience as well as the certainty of cause and effect, I still somehow felt happy that such a thing found its way to me, and remembered its main idea of the Phenomenal world being Ontologically subordinate to identity gave me a sudden oceanic feeling, tremendous vistas opening, most of all the fact that I myself was watching this was somehow amazing. I'm happier still now, realizing that I did not blaspheme.

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I broke up with my girlfriend of almost two years a few months ago and I'm still haunted by the decision. She's on my mind 24/7. I haven't talked to her since, she definitely hates me now. She's probably found someone else.

I'm in tears as I write this because the only girl that has ever loved me is irredeemably lost to me. Our relationship started sucking by the very end but I can't help but remember how much I loved the good times. There was a point about a year into the relationship when our friend was driving us somewhere with his gf, and the two of us were sitting in the back seat. I looked at her and for a moment I felt content thinking that I would marry her and have kids with her.

It's all so painful bros

For all you know, she might feel the exact same way.

Blessed is he with an unloving family!
Some artists are crushed by parental amity.
When he uses, as fuel, his personal calamity,
He shuffles off depression through fortified mentality!

Update: place was a shithole, fuck that.

But what do I do? It would be a mistake to get back together. It got so awful for the end, one of the fights we had nearly escalated to violence.

But yet I feel so profoundly empty. I dream about her like every other night

Nice one, user.

I have what you could describe as a loving family.
I need help. I want to get away. I can't stand this. Fuck me.

Kant oh my Kant what have you done. You came so far and got so close. How could they have perverted your philosophy so much? My friend you big forehead virgin boy! I love you Kant as the rational being you were.

I WANT TO BE MORAL!!!

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I wish there could be a book where you could read about yourself like who you really are and where you're talents like. However i'd be afraid of knowing that i'm just an idiot who'd only be good at flipping burgers.

This book exists. But you'll only get to read it when you die.

>realize that you've been doing everything wrong since small mistake in the childhood
that's the real horror

Almost 24 here, i beat all of you, what do i get ?

you need to talk to her again

no one is anybody else

And say what

what do you mean?

People who aren't incels.

People who don’t spread their depressed delusions to those around them. Generally people who make others feel better

I am not thou, thou art not I.

Good writing. Leave her.

Probably savior syndrome.

I'm halfway through Aristotle's Politics, and he's not at all what people describe him to be wtf

An eternal conflict about wanting to help people and to destroy everything.

Today I saw and old homeless man eating food on what looked like an ice cream package, the same type that I used to put my dog's food years ago. What hit me wasn't only that, but the fact that he was a near a private school and the security guards just told him "you can't be here", he had taken one spoon out of his food, stopped and closed the container, put on his shopping cart which he had a dog there, that again looked a lot like mine and left.

I see this kind of shit every day, and I can't help everyone. I just feel bad.

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It’s a shame, but we can only help those we are in some proximity to. Seeing homeless people who aren’t crazy, and especially ones with pets, breaks my heart.

how do you mean?

Yeah, the other day I saw one guy that looked a lot like my grandpa, no shoes on, walking on the asphalt holding a small dog like a baby.

One of my plans in the future is to actually get enough money to help those people, not just give them money, but maybe find a way to put them back into society. But who knows when that'll happen.

i barely got through ethics and stopped on page 15 of topics, he's just so fucking boring especially when you compare to how fun plato's dialogues are

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>had burger king binge last night
>woke up today at 10 or 11 am
>browsed internet, drank coffee
>read 50 pages of enjoyable novel
>went to gym; wore contact lenses for a change and felt depressed by the gymthots I saw; lifting wasn't that heavy but went well
>went in to central London for my usual walk; officeStaceys everywhere
>read 30 pages of an enjoyable pop-history book at the library
>now drinking coffee
>not sure what I'll eat tonight

I am feeling nostalgic about 3 weeks ago when I was walking through central central London on a hot and sunny day, the entire day free, knowing that if I can't be happy now, when can I be happy? Summer is gone now.

Reading is something I do only for the pseud cred. It gives me nothing. It is a pure consumercuck activity. There have been books I have seen at the library and realised I have read. I remember reading a large WW2 book last year and I remember nothing. Similarly, but with multiple ancient Rome books.

I read about Olly Robbins, the civil servant, being parachuted in to a bank. I literally shudder at the level of normieness that these types of people must have.

I always did well at education but now I sometimes wonder if I have a low IQ, which is reflected in my zero motivation.

t. roastie

Jesus. Almost relapsed into weed use yesterday, reading this made me glad as fuck I didn’t.

This time I used 『Spirit』, I think. 『Spirit』 is that one magic that seems to be able to give the 『Eternal』 to others.

「Mio-kun…! Don't look at him」

I said.

「Yeah… He's only a girl right?」

Mio says.

「When I see this person, I feel it's not right…」

I see…

I see.

There's no doubt in her heart, that Mio-chan would never accept me as her partner.

「Then how about you get over there」

When I said that to Mio, she stopped walking.

I turned around to face Mio-san.

「You're not my 『oppa』 are you?」

Mio-san laughs.

…I

I got embarrassed for a second.

…Then it seems she understood something.

「…Why would I care about things like 『oppa』?」

…Mio-san

What do you

>syria: not invaded, assad remains in power
>venezuela: not invaded, coup attempt BTFO
>iran: not invaded, building relations with the rest of the world despite amerika's screeching
>north korea: legitimized, relations starting to normalize somewhat
>john bolton: fired
neocons on suicide watch!

I wish
anything can change in a week

bump

i only write when i am depressed. since i am not chronically depressed, i can't be a full-time writer.

I enjoyed reading this

cringe desu

Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin, Rumpelstiltskin.

The duality of man is suffering, sometimes feel like I could just give it all up and become a Buddhist monk in a lost village but at the same time I feel like that's taking the easy way out.

>22
>Havent enjoyed life at all
>No friends
>If I try to open up to my parents they claim I'm playing victim
>Never open up
>Cant make friends because social anxiety and depression because of bullied past
>Fail final year of degree
>Have to re-do it and if I fail I cant retry and I'm 7k in debt
>Parents threaten to throw me out if I fail again
>Feel like leaving my house, walk in a direction until I eventually die
>Feel literally dead inside
>All I want is a cliché life with some friends, a girlfriend, and an alright job

I get this too, I’d have gone by now if it weren’t for friends/family, I don’t want to hurt people let alone explain myself to them. Spent the last week doing pot and play Warcraft to bring myself back down from where I was meditation wise, felt like I could have just vanished into a puff of air for about a week there. Not sure, just have to keep plotting my escape I guess.

What part of the country you from?

90% of the time I don't know what day it is, or whether my family is at home or not. I'm just locked in my room, at the dinner table I feel I've missed out on so much of the day I don't even bother asking about it. Honestly I don't even care in the first place. I usually have to spend over an hour every morning to become grounded enough in this reality to interact with it again.
I seem to forget how to do the most basic stuff, and often struggle just making food or keeping myself clean.
I feel detached from everyone and everything around me, I'm just a floating mind observing the world around itself with all the idiosyncrasies the structure of it's brain gave rise to.
To keep myself afloat I ride the intellectual/emotional waves of whatever piece of media I fancy at that particular time. This changes nearly every day, sometimes even multiple times in 1 day.

It's gotten to a point where, when I go out, people ask me if i'm drunk or high, even when i'm perfectly sober.

Netherlands, Zuid-Holland.

I really need to sell my rental property even though I'll never break even after the disaster that was my first and only tenant.

And I really should start the research for my doctorate.

And I need to propose to my boss that she assign the ditzy blonde to me since I fear she's not being developed properly and is at risk of being laid off.

I wish I was homeschooled

no you don't. homeschooled kids always turn out weird.

>caring about being weird on Yea Forums

I think you have to go back

Tomorrow's my birthday and I wish it were just another normal day. Almost every birthday of mine my parents fight, and if not for my fighting then some relative just decides to be a jerk about something related to my birthday.

I don't like my birthdays. I wish they were only normal days.

I did have good birthdays. They were two or three, even though my parents fought then. It was due to the fact that I managed to gather some money and throw a party and invite all my friends.

But now I don't have money, and my true friends all live far away, or are terribly sick in the mind to a degree that they can't leave their homes.

I wish my parents forgot about my birthday, but they probably won't, and will be jealous of each other again and I will be caught in the middle of the shitstorm again.

Oh well. I wish I could leave. But I can't. Not now.

Sometimes I think my birthdays will only be good once my parents die. But then I know that the suffering will simply shift. From suffering to the consequence of their presence, I will suffer due to their absence. Yeah, this is bullshit. I don't want them to die, not even so that I may have good birthdays.

Birthdays are suffering no matter how they come to pass.

I wish I could throw a party, but I can't.

Oh well. At least I'll have PB&J when I get home today.

I too, have spent the past weeks playing warcraft. But I've just hit this wall where it feels like, what's the point? I can keep playing but all I'm doing is chasing the dopamine/serotonin rush from upgrading my gear in order to feel uperior to other players with less gear.
Then again I'll spend the next two weeks reading and learning only to get bored and feel the need to relax with a WoW binge.

I wish I could do things in moderation 4-6 hours of WoW a day and studying the rest of the day, but no matter how hard I try my brain just doesn't work that way, I need to focus on one thing at once.

He's right, I was homeschooled and went from a fairly normal child to weird, missing out on few years of socialization is really hard to catch up on.

School is literally hell, I have enough problems with authority figures I don't need more

Dang that sucks. I'm from Chicago
>Cant make friends because social anxiety and depression
>Feel like leaving my house, walk in a direction until I eventually die
>Feel literally dead inside
>All I want is a cliché life with some friends, a girlfriend, and an alright job
You sound a bit like me a few years ago. I still have no friends but I at least feel like I'm some knob in the system now, like some comfy background character in an anime.

>missing out on few years of socialization is really hard to catch up on.
Weird, because literally every homeschooled kid I knew attended weekly gatherings to socialize with other homeschooled kids while also socializing normally.

Ive been having some thoughts I’ve enjoyed thinking about recently. I’ve always been a lot of an outcast and weirdly religious despite my non religious parents and teachers. As a result I have essentially spent most of my teenage and early 20s sort of not really there if you get what I mean. Either in pretend digital spaces like the internet and chat rooms and such, usually about fantasy and role play, or trying to be in tune with some sort of (probably made up in my head) metaphysical reality. It hit me that the past few years especially I’ve been operating in the real world but my head has just not been there at all, and I don’t feel like I belong in it. Not that I’m unhappy in it, just that I feel a weird home sickness and alienation like I’m waiting for something better. I feel like I’m going a bit crazy and seeing things and having conversations with characters I’ve made up in my head but they respond like it’s not me thinking of what they say. It’s nit harmful or impeding on me yet. The other day I wandered around a lot of places I wandered around when I was much younger, like suburbs and little alleys and parks and stuff, usually I do this late at night. I like to imagine my ideal childhood memories (made up, both how I present myself in them and what happened) and then feel nostalgia for events that didn’t happen while I stand in these places. I’ve almost become addicted to doing it. My fantasies are always sort of like when you do MD at some shit flat party when you are 15, that’s what they feel like. I also just feel like everyone is always trying coerce someone into their way of thinking out of insecurity or some sort of weird cult like thing, it’s hard for me to explain, but I hate pretty much all political or ideological discourse because I feel like it’s dishonsy and brainwashed (no matter what “side” you are lol). I think because of this untrusting ness in what is just human nature I’ve become quite lonely, but now I’ve realised I enjoy loneliness and that’s fed into me feeling like I don’t belong here. I’m thinking of where to go with my life here

I wish i'd have creative depression instead soul wrenching one.

in 2 days a qt3.14 is coming over for the weekend after i was unironically being myself
life's good fellas

>attended weekly gatherings to socialize with other homeschooled kids
It depends upon the circumstances the child is homeschooled in, of course he'll grow up well adapted if they're put in groups with other children but a lot of homeschooled kids (like myself) are homeschooled because they're parents have to move constantly for work and weekly gatherings are not an option.
Not being socialized properly in the core stages of development really fuck you up and it takes a lot of practice to make up for it.

you're going to struggle with being an adult

All of this is completely absurd and none of it matters, just like this post. I wish I could flick a switch in my brain that suppresses this stupid human drive for survival and meaning. Then I could calmly sink into the void and be done with it already.

describe your depression.

Well, you’ll die eventually. So don’t worry. In the meantime maybe broaden your horizons a bit and open yourself up to different reading and experiences, you might as well. Maybe there’s something more to that drive, maybe there isn’t. A lot of life is trying to discern that. If there’s no point in life, there’s no point not trying to see if there is a point. The end is the same regardless

What's the point of making subtle jabs at not communicating often with you if the past few times you're the one who keeps asking to take rainchecks when we make plans? Regardless of how often we've casually fucked, if you consistently blow a person off multiple times in a row it makes it seem more like a hint I'm supposed to take than you being a victim of circumstance on each of those occasions. I don't understand why people think friendships or romantic relationships are one way streets sometimes when it comes to communication. Ya dumb bitch.

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I have tried literally thousands of times to find something more than this bleak reality, but have failed every single time. I don't wanna be conscious anymore.

I'm not asexual or depressed but I just don't care about sex or relationships. It feels like a hobby some people have that I'm just not interested in. I don't know why it's like this and it wouldn't bother me if it didn't bother my family. Maybe I've ascended or maybe I have some strain of autism. Probably the latter.

But you can't prove it doesn't have meaning dude

you're young and in a hormone haze. you don't even realize it. when you come out of it and look back upon yourself as you are now, you'll be like "goddamn what an insufferable little asshole I was".

Same here bro. Used to make me so insecure and upset back in high school but after not talking to anyone for a while I realised it was all social pressure to be normal and not even jerking off is that important to me. Been a lot happier since I realised I just don’t give a shit about sex. Id still like to get married and shit but that can wait

not that user, but how are you holding up now? What have you chosen to do with your life? What do you do? (not asking about feels here, I want to know if you've taken the initiative to reach for success and what has come of it if so)

what song in background?

*****we*****

Do you remember any of them?

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life is pointless, existence is pain.

but watching youtube 2:00AM is pretty comfy

I think I've come to accept the fact that I missed out on girls, parties etc.
Now I'm just motivated by getting a job, get enough money, pay for the hot hooker and then kill myself.

I think the reason smart people tend to have weird, or even disgusting, fetishes is that when you have above-average intelligence you tend to put lots of thought into things to which ordinary people pay very little mind.

Like farts, for example. Joyce is just one of numerous geniuses that seem to have had fart fetishes. What's the connection? Perhaps it's that when you're a genius, you take a really mundane, ordinary thing, like farting, and you think about it more than most people. Probably quite a bit more than most people, since rules of propriety generally say you shouldn't give much thought to bodily functions. But this mundane thing, the discussion of which is frowned upon, is precisely the thing that the genius is going to think about more than most people, because it's in the nature of genius to see the mundane world in unusual ways.

And, sometimes, when you think about a thing more than most people, that thing takes on an erotic dimension in your mind, as you begin to consider how this thing you're thinking about could have a sexual component, since sex is a nearly universal concern for humans.

Basically: geniuses are prone to overthinking things. They therefore put much more thought than normal people into really mundane things: farts, shit, feet, armpits, etc.. And all this thinking, in the mind of the genius, reveals those things' erotic dimensions. Hence why geniuses have so many fucked up fetishes.

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Fuck you I don't want my mind to go these places. Now I'm thinking about farts

There’s a few examples of this but not enough for actual correlation. It’s wishful thinking by autists who assume that by being into weird shit they are actually part of some elite. A lot of these people can be fucking retarded though, look at furries

childhood is when you idolize big tiddy goth gf.
adulthood is when you realize art hoe gf makes more sense

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Very difficult post

books like this?

I thought I was on Facebook for a second reading this

i just like that the butthole is so close to the puss. you can just kind of pretend its puss air instead of anus air.

It's like X-ray vision, but auditory, if not also olfactory. But I've passed through the "weird fetishes are the product of overanalysis" wringer several times.

yeah, its like you can "see" her butthole like you're a bat in the night.

Playing guitar is hard, I would probably be a lot better if I actually sat down and. played.

I am also struggling with even building a system of morals and values.

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thanks mate. sobriety is nice. we will both be fine bless you

The easiest way to get a moral value system is behaving in the way you deem morally perfect. You won’t achieve this, but striving to do it will teach you a lot.

Feel you. Have been trying to learn bass for over a year now, but learning is always the hardest part.
I used to be good at the trumpet, wish I had stuck with it.

it's like you're fucking flying through her ass dude

i wish i was handsome, but you cant have everything

>this GARBAGE thread is still up

WOW

The wisdom of old age is becoming your art hoe GF's big titty goth girlfriend

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>adulthood is when you realize art hoe gf makes more sense
I guarantee you adulthood is not that

yes, its like when you hear a girl fart, the auditory effect automatically connects you to her asshole in a metaphysical way. as soon as the vibrations hit your eardrums and the signal is sent to your brain to process the sound of the fart, your brain makes the connection between the mere physical input and the hidden nature of the butthole which produced it as a concept in your mind. her asshole has touched your overall being almost literally. the brief opening and closing of her anus in space has incurred a phenomenon where a sort of spiritual anus has opened up and then closed itself around you. or its even brought you into her anus, rather than her anus engulfing you, its sucked you into her pants and pressed you right up against it. the effect of the anus' motion has made you aware of this. your awareness has brought you into a new world, one where there is an anus not merely within earshot, but within your being itself. the potential for this connection is always present when you're around a female, just waiting to spontaneously burst forth into existence, and when it does its such a treat. the smell is just a bonus

I live a pretty comfy life, have a wife and house and dog and newborn kid. Just got a promotion at my job that tons of people in my (((STEM))) major would kill for, and am finishing up a master's degree.

While I love my wife and kid, I feel like I am absolutely stagnant and don't know what to do. I have fantasies about being a full-time writer but can't put a single beautiful sentence together. I feel like I was meant to do something besides wageslave for a massive corporation but as I get older I feel more and more that that feeling is only a coping mechanism that every wagie must feel; the desperate hope that things will become amazing once I just apply myself.

I don't know what to do and I can't take 40 more years of feeling like this. I guess I'll keep hoping to make the Great American Novel despite having no talent or particular insights.

oh fuck oh god oh shit dude I'm gonna start compulsively masturbating in public ah please stop jesus

>the smell is just a bonus
Can't everything you wrote be written in terms of smell? Animals can echolocate, animals can track by smell. It's the projection of properties, either way.

"If you had been through what I've been through in life, you would understand how even Cancer is nothing to you"

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You guys know that's a Goethe quote right? Or am I being whooshed?

yes but the smell itself isn't as abrupt and your brain can't automatically connect the smell to a pretty girls asshole. if you just smell shit all of a sudden, it could be anyone. the piercing sound of a fart grabs your attention all at once and focuses it intently on a single point in space instantaneously, you're ripped away from everything and drawn straight towards her asshole as it slaps the air like a gunshot. now her anus and your being are connected, the smell not yet present. you're shocked and aroused and you wait, savoring every millisecond because you know that the invisible cloud is rapidly expanding towards your nostrils. here it comes... yes, there it is! you see, thats why its a bonus, or you could even say that its like the orgasm of the affair. the audio is the initial insertion, then the delay is your thrusting, and finally the smell is your sweet, sweet orgasm.

I hate women so much. They should all be imprisoned.

Do you guys think the mods would get mad at me if I made a thread about recent political philosophy? I really want to have a serious discussion about recent critiques of Liberalism, especially from guys on the Catholic right like Patrick Deneen and Adrian Vermeule. I want to have it on Yea Forums because similar discussions in the past have been successful here, but I'm worried it will get deleted. I could put it on /his/, but the discussion might not be as productive. And it would definitely be a disaster to post it on /pol/.

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probably. jannies are fucking ghey

I'm so tired of being stem worker and living in a 3rd world shithole. I will never be born in a rich family and in some cozy place like small Italian village or Swiss mountains or Hawaii eternal summer paradise... I just want to have a small passive income and live simple humble life spending the most of my time on literature. Imagine wasting 40+ hours per week on job while thinking about kms instead of reading some literal masterpiece.

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Ok, anons. I am going to sober up. Tired of feeling like shit! Wish me luck
>We're all gonna make it

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good luck bro

I had a dream I was holding mice and roaches in the fold of my shirt, tucked up toward me, the way little kids carry rocks or shells when the tide is way out.

So I wrote a poem about it this morning, if no one minds, Im gonna dump it.

Pesticide
I was there weeks early,
facing the familiar:
My room, my complex, and me,
Reconciliar.

With people arriving every day,
They start to see less of me,
My sweaty fingers, my drizzled face
My esteem under lock and key.

>Pesticide is the title, whoops shoulda reddit spaced that better
I habitually and ritually clean,
Top to bosom, day by day,
Just so the furtive glances,
Might maybe come my way.

Remembering:
A neighborly visit become inquisition
‘Open up!’ - among other demands
The apprehension and state
The signed forms -
the sands
Forcing its way through gaps and cracks
Unwinding disgust
Mixed and distributed.

I hate to be seen
The finicky, fussy, OCD Dean.
But I know that just cause im hungry,
Doesn’t really mean that im lean.

And the mice
Are everywhere dying.
A writhing, white-powdered mass,
Like putrid, oversized caterpillars,
Lethargic, and pushing their way across the threshold.
Like frosted flakes
Covering sewer roaches
Coming up out of the shower drain

Mind Ether Ideas

When in the ether he has access to "Excerpts", specific memories, ideas, and schemas.
These excerpts can possibly be contained in an infinite binder, like at work (in chronological order)
Among them:
Working at job he hates, flashes of him leaving the office each day, starting as a normal person, evolving into some insect-like thing, also a shadowy figure with no discernible edges or shape, eventually descending into a grotesque, disfigured being that literally hurts to look at, whose aura chips away atoms of the observer and darkens and contorts the world around it.
Also, one excerpt may be a "timeline" of from when the MC was a baby to today, with the setting and appearance changing at each point representing the MC's self-image and not necessarily an accurate portrayal of reality at all.
Puts his hand on the shoulder of a mirror of himself, except whose face is twisted into a horrified, disturbing expression, and whose face is permanently stuck like that
In one case he looks indescribably different from everyone else
Travels through ether on the inside of a train car at incredible speeds... the surroundings blurring by through the car windows are ambiguous... emotions? memories? narratives and schemas?
On train maybe he sits across from himself...?
Looks into some sort of mirror into the true self, mysterious essence to the mirror, looking directly into it is akin to torture and releases energy that peels away at the unready observer
Scene where MC physically destroys the mental infrastructure is his mind that he hates so much, this has obvious consequences whether good or bad

Not being able to hold my own weight
I hung clutching his belt,
Knees folded underneath me
Eyes on the waistline.

Then suddenly, lifted up
Under the arms, dusted off,
And brought back to the present.

Splattering roaches under bare feet
Leaves pieces of bug
And fluid
Between toes

Now I let the anxiety and the roaches,
Run out of the shower, and
On to the bathroom floor.
Where I follow naked behind.

And after weeks have gone by,
Trapping them under glass
10s of fogged up cups
And asphyxiated roaches

I start flushing them down
The toilet
Sometimes I find them splashing around in the bowl.

And everyday, before I leave the dorm,
I spread little pellets of mouse poison
on the counter tops

Thoughts?
>I know I'm a shit poet, not need

white culture = LGBT

I taste the plague on my teeth, see the bits of paper i crumpled and threw onto the floor. Look up at my desk covered in tissues and soda cans and medicine bottles. I look down at the floor and see I covered it in the paper and chips and unopened books. I need to return my library books but i'm too afraid to leave the house. The last $80 fine made me cry.

Which cult were you born into?

Fuck, I meant plaque.

Don't worry OP, I'm actively working out my goals and feel like shit knowing just how useless these attempts are to be, but fuck all if I'm not dumb enough to keep going, Side note on tanning and exercise, workout all you want but you're just gonna die, make sure you're ripped for when you get stabbed with a knife.

Same and bald but hairy as fuck everywhere else, life is a sham.

I can't write to save my life and I'm failing at every single goal I set for myself. I just want to die.

Wanting anything out of life is to much. Its not about what you ask for and could receive its about earning the right to take what you can by giving back.
Although its true the balance of effort/reward is hopelessly screwed. Kabbalist bankers are to blame.
Now do it in 2nd person.
If dust could talk.

These threads are bait. This site is bait. Thanks for reminding me.

I hate that toby fox is such a huge celebrity, Undertale wasn't even that good of a game

I wish that my name were fox. That would be cool.

gf

i hate women and faggots

What a out traps? Are they the best of both worlds or the worst?

trans people i'm ok with

Its mainly apathy and self-pity also the feeling of collapsing into myself.

nice one user

Recently life became small, my life that is. Not to say I am upset, sad or depressed, but I just became more cognizant of the forces beyond mine. A quite beautiful revelation that occurred after waking up strapped to a hospital bed. "I'm still alive!" I thought as the pain of the fractures kept my lips sealed. Tears were flowing from the physical, but also from the joy. I will still get to see my mother, my father, kid brother, friends and my adorable fat cat Kansas. I love that cat and his ability to never be satiated off of food. Not that kitty shit either, this cat has the appetite of human. Even something you'd least expect a cat to eat like spaghetti. He'll it like a real guido with gusto and poise. Enjoying every lick of the carb straw to then hastily paddle it up to the mouth. But I'm pretty sure he enjoys the butter and other crap on the noodle than the texture and light flavor of the Italian invention. The reason I was so happy to see all the aforementioned was due to the reason I was in the hospital bed to begin with. I attempted and should have committed suicide, but here I am in bed writing today.
Call it Mania. Induced from bad Portland acid my decision to suicide came from the bad fiction the brain conjured. I ended up driving a car through a brick wall that served as a fence for an apartment complex. Yea, that was the way I wanted to go and yea I still remember the crash. The moment I hit it I had this dark dark clarity of being special, that your after life is dictated by the bang. Bang being how exciting your way out was good or bad.
I'm tired now and I could write so much more, but why call my life small? An individual is a pinion that has the ability to grind ideas into fruition by bettering the humanity mill. I was selfish and sought after pleasures that led me to become devoid of responsibility and productivity, almost at the cost of my life. Now I'd like to be a cognoscenti of certain art practices.
P.S. I don;t believe in a God at least not in a literary one

I receive a handsome remittance every month because my family thinks I'm either a lost cause or a flower that may bud some day in the future. I think they want to believe against better judgment. Either way, whatever hope they have, they can say goodbye to it and they will, but they won't stop sending me money because it's their way of finding a clean conscience - my childhood was anything but a happy one. I literally do nothing all day, my motivation is zero, same for initiative, I'm constantly at home - parents pay the rent btw - and I usually browse the internet, read books I've read four or five times already because I can't muster up the energy to start something new, I lie awake at night while listening to Mozart or Bach because I suffer from insomnia. Right now I'm listening to Mozarts 40th btw at max volume, because the neighbors are at work and why not because fuck it. Don't think they'd have the guts to tell me to keep the noise down because I have this feeling they think I'm a lunatic. I haven't head any meaningful human contact in months, perhaps even a year and I don't care about that either. Whatever »normal« life might be about, I have absolutely no clue. It certainly is not this.

and yea I sound like a cunt and have typos, but after the whiplash Ive been writing furiously to better my concentration.

Take up observation, like going out in public to just observe people on the day to day.

adulthood is posting on Yea Forums with a swastika as your name