Write what's on your mind

Write what's on your mind.

"some asshole deletes thread again on his brief bi-monthly visit to Yea Forums" edition

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I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. I quit every job I ever get. Now I can't even find employment at a fast food place in my town. I think I ought to be medicated, but if that doesn't work, then I am truly broke. I'm still not quite sure what has kept me hanging on for so long. It's not like things have gotten any better over the years.

I feel like violence is going to substitute money. Blood is the only thing that rouses the imagination more than capital. We are in for a dark age.

I wish I could rape as many women as I could without facing any kind of consequence whatsoever. I fucking hate women, they're inferior and shit at everything they do but I'd like to turn them into fucking breeders and have as many children as I can. Africans disgust me because they're dark skinned, but I wish I were black so I could not work all day and play with my cock and fuck white women, jewesses and bug-ladies just to spite the men.
My entire existence has been vile and I wish I could grab a knife and start carving my toes and fingers until they began looking like needles.
One day I won’t have autism anymore and I’ll be able to deal with my incredible racism and sexism or die. I’m afraid of relationships because I’m going to be cheated upon.
Sometimes I talk to myself in my head but it goes wrong ninety percent of the time.
‘Say, how would you like to have sex with mother?
That is wrong, you should go on forums, read about it, get it out of your system them go out.
I want to stab you in the throat just for thinking that alone. I want my mommy. Why can’t I have her?
Because you’re sick and sometimes you kick puppies and eat ticks and grasshoppers while walking on the yellow grass.’
And then I cannot help myself before bursting into crying. No one wants to help me because I’m swarthy looking and I’m alone.

I hate being mixed raced, even though I cannot find it in my family records. People look down on me and I have no friend. Half of the time I’m insecure around people and I never talk outside.
I spent most of the time inside the house and I’m afraid that I’m going to die alone. Here, in this house with my mom.
But then the images come and everything feels good again. I start seeing floating torsos which are carved and have symbols of them drawn with red ink which burns. They speak with me as well. Sometimes a hole opens from inside of them and I can see the head of a Negro inside. After they say some stuff to me I start thinking that perhaps they’re not so bad.
Though not being bad makes me think about my mom, which makes me sad again. And there’s the flashing lights which keep popping, and they bring fingers from various gaps which shouldn’t be in the ceilings but they’re there. I think my neighbor is a deranged lunatic who had a collection of fingers.

I am too afraid to ask him about his finger collection. After that I’ll usually go to bed, having wasted half of my day trying to backtrack his steps to see the exact location from which he dropped his fingers.
My theory is that he drops those fingers of a daily basis to make the flying torsos appear in order to make me think about Negroes, which triggers my incest fantasies.

You're descending into psychosis. What mix of races are you, black and white? Virtually everything you said in your post is indicating that you are mentally ill.

Even if it's just performative for Yea Forums, which i get, I assume youre playing it up a bit, having these thoughts at all is not normal, and you can slide pretty quickly from pretending to be insane to actually being insane.

>manlytears.jpg

White on my mother's side. Dad looked part Turk or Arab. I'm from Eastern Europe.
My childhood was weird and I was bullied around by just about everyone. It’s not always on my mind but I sometimes think about it. Only recently I started taking reading seriously and it’s been helping me deal with the “vile” thoughts that cross my mind on a semi-regular basis.
I’ve kind of cut contact with my family but that’s fine because I never liked them. I never liked anyone, actually, which is why I spend all of my childhood in the house, skipping school and spending my time on the internet.

Perhaps the internet has become a part of my personality, which is where the tendency to say weird things comes from, but lately, it stopped talking to me. Sometimes I used to hear this voice narrating everything I read online as vividly as possible but that had died off as quickly as it could. My ADHD prevents me from having any other meaningful relation.
But to your post, know that I am not mentally Ill good sir, and I’m not “playing it up” at all. This is no performance, just a recollection, or a reminiscence of some thoughts I have stumbled upon from time to time either from the early period of my childhood or my imagination acting up when I was trying to get away to people.
I don’t get to talk to people outside that often because I’m kind of frightened of what they might think of me. And I also believe my second language had begun cannibalizing the first one which isn’t really helping that much. What gave it the final blow was the fact that I was reluctant to speak to my teachers in my classroom even during High school because of my anxiety problems.

As I was saying, this is no mere act and I’m no jester. I like seeing those images from time to time, I like being visited by them. Those creatures are my friend, like the Moon glowers, the light-bulb-shaped detractors who sometimes fall like stars and draw closer. They’re transparent and I could see their growing and spreading bulbs inside of them.
Sometimes they grow so wide and at such a rate that they pop off like fireworks, as they give birth to tiny spackles of fireflies. And the lights are there, I swear they are, they’re sometimes trying to get into my house but I will never allow such a sacrilege. Know that I’m actually well versed in the instruction manual and I know how to properly close my windows.
Also, I suffer of Dyslexia as well but I’d like to think I’m catching up with it. Perhaps still a tiny bit autistic but I couldn't tell.

>I am not mentally Ill

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He's just an autist

you have to talk to somebody. Im not talking about a shrink, you have to find literally anybody in real life to talk to and try to connect with. I can talk with you right now for as long as you want, but it's not the same.

Im not telling you you're wrong about anything you're saying, i don't know what your moon glowers and things are but I have similar obscure images that mean a lot to me so id never criticize them. But you need to remember the reality in this world too even if it seems cruel or banal and ugly.

I don’t like my mentality, it feels like I was destined for something way bigger but I kept failing untill my destiny got used to my failure so it destined another life to me, a life of mediocrity that tortues my inner mindset that was that destined previously to flourish.

Somehow you’re always wrong in what you’re doing, in some way there is always a perfect thing to do in every situation to make people like you, to close in a deal, to make your crush fall in love with you and shit, but you can’t comprehend what it is, there is no right choice only a less wrongful choice

I wonder if I should get back to smoking and drinking and partying in general, It’s because i’ve failed the one person that I should’ve not failed from the beginning, i’ve failed my optimistic complete clone of me, so now no matter how much water and food lays in my road of life i wont go too far as now i see no reward I can achieve at each stop, thus the best thing i should do is cut myself with the cactus alongside the road to shorten my trip

What food should I get today?

>But you need to remember the reality in this world too even if it seems cruel or banal and ugly.

I don’t know which part of the world to believe. Everyone is saying bad things which are contradictory to one another all the time to the point where I can’t focus on it any longer. Politics bore me and I hate people because they say bad things about me behind my back.

I.E. ‘Look at that ugly, nasty fellow, let’s stab him with our scissors and drink the blood from his liver, ha ha, he won’t notice because he looks down all the time.’
And I cannot tie my shoes nor cross the street properly and a few days ago I was almost hit by a car while passing through the crosswalk. I swear, it tried to trample me in the daylight. They’re out to get me, that’s why I don’t leave the house that often. It’s the second reason, because I’m so afraid to cross the streets, one day I’m going to die.
I wager I’ll die trampled by one of those big trucks and no one will remember and I will have died a virgin who never even kissed a girl. One day a girl actually, you wouldn’t believe this, but a girl actually appeared out of nowhere and started trailing me around.

I wasn’t sure what she wanted at first, and I ran. And I kept running, even though she creepily appeared out of nowhere in a few locations, such as the groceries store, the church a few blocks away and in front of my house. She scared me at first but I spoke to her for ten minutes.
Afterwards she left and never came back. Prior to this I didn’t hate women. And I actually respected them, I think, kind of but not really. You get me. But this happened two months ago. She left after we spoke for those ten minutes and left me heartbroken.

That encounter made me aware of the true nature of women, I know they’re shallow and only enjoy raising men’s hopes up only to shatter them. Why would she do such a thing? I feel like a fool or some dumb courtesan who’s got nothing on him any longer. I can’t help it but think of the most horrible things now.
How much I’d like to torture smaller creatures than myself. To end the lives of snails and tiny tadpoles in the pools near my green fields. Oh I’d like that very much. Anything but to avoid thinking about how boring the life outside is, and that’s the point if you really think about it. We’re meant to delve in lucid dreams and lose ourselves out there. Reality is boring and sad, and I would rather spend all my life inside my house than live a sad like out there.
I don’t care if I risk getting dementia or schizophrenia, I just want to be left alone and be happy. What kind of man would be denied of his right to happiness?

I can be a God as long as I stay inside my room. As long as I never leave this place, I will never be vulnerable. Hahaha!

None of this is normal. You sound like a paranoid schizophrenic. You are mentally ill. Seek professional help or kill yourself.

Just find someone man to talk to, there are people out there who are not going to hurt you. I don't know what you're dealing with and im not going to tell you 'it gets better'. It doesn't for a lot of us. But you don't have to descend into complete alienation from everyone and everything.

I will talk to you if you want ill give you an email address.

I'm sure there are plenty of crazy people on Yea Forums, but it's also very likely this user is just LARPing for (You)s. Doesn't seem genuine to me at all.

Starting to seriously think about my future for the first time in my life. I was raised on the Bible: "Give no thought for the morrow", "Man shall live by bread alone". My parents lived this too, always relying on the charity of others to survive, living in church properties, driving church vehicles, working in church businesses, putting us through church schools. They wouldn't ever admit this but they were and are completely reliant on the church's good graces. And being Pentecostals, those graces can change on a whim.

I can't imagine starting a family in a trap like that. I never had a chance to decide anything in my life and it feels cruel to put another generation through that. I'm 23 now and don't have any special skills or training that could give me the ability to eventually own my own house, or put kids through school and college. My parents, and their parents were quite happy selling all of their assets so they could go live on a commune. Happy, but financially irresponsible. Wealth is value, is freedom, and they gave that all up because they couldn't stomach being responsible for their lives and went off to be controlled by a charismatic preacher who promised the world would end soon. So fucking stupid. I love them, but goddamn, have some perspective, the guy is obviously a narcissist, visibly so.

So know I have to choose between the path of cope: relying on the kindness of others for the rest of my life and hope I don't offend their sensibilities (or that the communal coffers don't dry up, the community is struggling to retain the youth it attempts to raise). Or, bear the debt the last three generations refused to pay and pull myself out of the generational poverty pit. (Not actually debt that you would owe, but the cost of not participating in the general economy for almost 50 years now).

I shouldn't have to deal with this problem. It's embarrassing and makes me think poorly of my elders. They can go do their gobbedly gook mystical stuff if they want, just don't force your children to go along with it, and definitely don't threaten to disown them if they don't play along. Having religious parents is pretty much the same as having tranny parents, they force you to play along with their obviously fake worldview and isolate you from the world of solid, normal people. I wish I had parents I could respect and look up to, real role models and not broken people

(Seriously though, why would the janny delete the last thread? The anteprevious thread reached the post limit)

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Go see a psychiatrist

They remind me of another schizophrenic I know online. So much that I'm almost convinced it's the same person. I know the one I'm thinking of posts on Yea Forums as well.

>tfw not living the cozy NEET lifestyle supported by a cult
I suppose I'm glad we have neetbux here in you-rope.

Maybe so. It's really hard to tell online.
Either way, you can't help him. I don't believe "professionals" can either, but that's beside the point.

Thinking about religion. I really don't like the way the abrahamic faiths are so person centric and emotionally volatile. Most people just want quiet, prosperous lives and the semetic faiths seem to be the antithesis of this. They don't have any reference for nature, respect for ancestors, or a commitment to the future. No rootedness in the land or the people. I'm not a fascist and I hope I'm not coming across as one in this post, but people who aren't connected to their past don't really have a future; if nothing has been invested in you, you aren't likely to invest in others futures. I just wish we could back to a form of non cringy folk religion, kind of like Shintoism is treated in Japan. As an American, I'm not particularly connected to the land or any ethnic group so I don't know hoe this could be done here

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I'm not NEET, I work full time without any pay, which is even worse

Hence why I ended my suggestion by telling them to commit suicide.

Obsession and not moving on over something that is nothing and being an incommunicable ingrown hair autist animal

You may kill the threads but my autism will survive the death of the universe. In any case, time to repost.

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