I have sudden and almost uncontrollable urges to kill myself. It is as if I am deeply hypnotized and could barely control my actions and my mind is empty. I don't want to leave a note or to say goodbye to anyone, when this happens I just want to kill myself by any means possible: I've already almost jumped from 11th floor, almost stabbed myself in the chest, almost jumped under a train and almost cut my throat.
I don't think this could be depression because I don't feel depressed and don't have any symptoms of depression. I asked some of my acquaintances with the experience of depression and none of them was suicidal, just felt unable to do anything (this is called psycho-motor retardation, I did my research).
I read a whole lot about depression and suicide and had my time with shrinks (waste of time and money), psychiatrist said that I should be put in an asylum, but I don't want that since it will be much harder for me to find a job when I graduate.
Is there any literature about cases like mine?Even fiction might help. What would you do if you were me, anons?
Sounds like OCD to me. Or maybe borderline. Do you ever feel like this when you are alone?
Aiden Flores
Go to the gym and stop eating shitty food. Then read the bible and go to church and get married.
Noah Foster
I remember how it was like being 10 years old and 16 years old OP. It will go away after some time, just try again and again to break through it.
Carter Morales
>psychiatrist said J*ws are the last people you should listen to about mental health
Noah Robinson
Are you on meds? You can easily have depression btw. not all people experience the exact same symptoms. But might be something else too.
Mason Sullivan
Only when I am alone. When this comes it is very distinct and I am already experienced with it, so I just sit down and don't move until it passes (feel very exhausted afterwards). I can feel it coming, but when I'm with company it only manifests as being shaky and the feeling of depersonalization, but passes quickly.
Caleb Fisher
That's the problem: I go to the gym and have a balanced diet. Don't have a wife and don't go to church though, but I have read Bible.
I decided not to take anything until I am certain it would help.
Maybe you're right. I know that depression sometimes depends a lot on the peculiarities of the nervous system, but I thought it would manifest in something besides these urges, it's like jumping from 0 with no symptoms of depression to 100 with losing self-control then straight back to 0.
The problem is that I am scared shitless when I feel like it's going to happen again because I am afraid I might actually cross the line and do something irrevocable. I mean I am not really afraid to die (because I have already accepted that it could happen any moment with me) but my family will be completely destroyed.
Brayden Lewis
>‘But there was an inevitability-feeling about it, too, when it came.’ ‘It is the most horrible feeling I have ever imagined, much less felt. There is no possible way death can feel as bad. It rose up. It was worse now that I was older. I thought I’d have to hurl myself out of my dormitory’s window. I simply could not live with how it felt.’ >‘Some boy I hardly knew in the room below mine heard me staggering around whimpering at the top of my lungs. He came up and sat up with me until it went away. It took most of the night. We didn’t converse; he didn’t try to comfort me. He spoke very little, just sat up with me. We didn’t become friends. By graduation I’d forgotten his name and major. But on that night he seemed to be the piece of string by which I hung suspended over hell itself.’ >‘ I understood the term hell as of that summer day and that night in the sophomore dormitory. I understood what people meant by hell. >‘From that day, whether I could articulate it satisfactorily or not,’ Day says, holding the knee of the leg just crossed, ‘I understood on an intuitive level why people killed themselves. If I had to go for any length of time with that feeling I’d surely kill myself.’ >‘Time in the shadow of the wing of the thing too big to see, rising.’ >Day says: ‘There is no way it could feel worse.’
I feel similar. I have a compulsive urge to slice my neck or amputate my fingers sometimes for no reason. I feel better when I am eating whole oats daily, and taking n-acetyl-cysteine daily.
Elijah Kelly
Please don't leave this thread. I want to ask you a few questions but I have a terrible headache and I should go to sleep (it is around 6 AM). I've had similar experiences in the past, though it was clear what was their cause.
Carter Turner
Easy now, the psychiatrist could've been a Jungian. That's juden free and good stuff
Jose Nguyen
i am really close to killing myself, i have it planned out now, i have my weapon to use. Im just too tired, and i dont want to hurt anyone anymore, and i dont feel God would judge me wrongly for doing this because I just can't be right, and i tried so hard for so long, so it would be in a way just a weed removing itself from His garden. I know it's supposed to be a mortal sin but nobody is supposed to be this sad and hurt this many people and not want any of it to happen but i happens anyway. I used to not get why Jesus cursed the fig tree, but I think i am like that tree that wont bear fruit, and so his condemnation of me and my own suicide are holy in a way. It would be the only good act i could do, by lessening future harm to myself or others. No benevolent God would put me in hell for this, he would understand. i understand if he just outs my awareness and I don't go to heaven, because i was never part of his Word at all, but he won't send me to hell i don't think, i never wanted to do anything wrong at all, i will just be over, and that is all i want.
Colton Garcia
Why do you care about your postgraduate job if you want to kill yourself? Sounds like larping.
Nathaniel Reyes
You might have some sort of brain inflammation or tumor. See if you can get your brain imaged.
Isaiah Sullivan
this is classic sign of depression. do you sometimes feel too happy or elated too ? it's not just about shrinks. find a person you can share these thoughts with. until you don't help yourself nothing will work. you can be put on medicines that will stabilise you mood and help you think better. there is no shame in taking them, everyone has problems and it's good that you know you have one. remember one thing my senior who is a psychiatrist says, "You can never loose till you keep fighting, you only loose if you give up."
Kevin Anderson
We all have urges. Don't fight it. Breath. Then let it go. Just do a mini meditation and let it go. Consider smoking cigarettes
Chase Nelson
I started smoking last year hoping to decrease stress levels therefore decreasing the frequency of this happening, but cigs don't help me all that much, though they are definitely enjoyable.
The best part of smoking for me is that I don't really care about future health problems cause it seems like I have no future and nothing to worry about.
Andrew Taylor
Any way to help me clearer without medication?
Logan Hall
*think
Robert Fisher
Based fig tree poster. Simone Weil felt the same way. Dont listen to this maroon It's true, some of us were not meant to bear fruit
Henry Morris
He's unlikely to have a brain tumor and the radiation from CT scans will cause him to actually get a brain tumor and no doctor will order it for him for this reason, an MRI is even more expensive and inaccessible than a CT. This is more likely a psychiatry issue rather than neurology. Stop telling people they have brain tumors when you aren't an expert. You're either evil or retarded and you're only fueling paranoia.
