IT'S FREE. I'm giving you a one-time chance to read my early draft FREE before it even comes out.
Constructive criticism only.
Critique this book
Jack Ramirez
Other urls found in this thread:
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Bentley Davis
Reading the first paragraph I was getting No Longer Human vibes and then you make direct reference to it, nice! Also you seem to be a big fan of Kierkegaard, my favorite philosopher as well. We have similar taste OP.
I haven't read that much of it so far, and thus can't give a complete critique. But from the first page or so, I can say you have me hooked and interested to read more. Which is always a good thing.
Michael Rodriguez
Thanks a ton, user! I plan on making this ebook for free and to make a tale about being a hikkikomori/neet so that people can better understand what they go through and their struggles. If you have anything you'd like to critique, please do!
Cooper Harris
>they
Liam Perry
No, but your work intrigues me because I am currently writing a work with somewhat similar themes. Its about a hiki, but its more about being completely addicted to visual novels, anime, and 2D digital (false) reality. I want to paint a picture of what a reality that is completely submerged in constant 2D visual stimulation looks like.
Since we are both working on something similar perhaps we could help each other as writers. It would be nice if there was someway we could contact each other more directly. To give you a better idea of who I am since I don't have a trip, I'm the user who is currently compiling LondonFrog's posts. (Which may seem like an odd project to some, but I genuinely see a weird, slightly avant garde literary merit to his posts)
Matthew Cooper
I can't give out any email or anything because there are some jerks on r9k who were trying to doxx me.
I'll always be posting here on Yea Forums from now on though so you can always find me.
William Hughes
Who is londonfrog?
>inb4 newfag
Luke Reed
>I can't give out any email or anything because there are some jerks on r9k who were trying to doxx me
That sucks to hear man. Yeah, people don't really take kindly to tripusers on Yea Forums and can be dicks like that.
>Who is londonfrog?
He is a notorious blog poster who makes posts about walking around sad in London, binging on food, and shares his random thoughts. He posts almost daily and its always really similar stuff (although this past week he hasn't really posted). It sounds dumb, but there is a weird appeal to it. I've attached a screenshot of one of his posts and you can read more from the ebook(s) I've done (which is also free!). Imo its an easy but oddly engaging read. This google doc contains links to both volumes I've compiled so far:
docs.google.com
David Howard
I'm reading it right now lmao.
Christian Murphy
Looking at the preface, you overuse sentences with "having... verb" as the start and often put a comma where a full stop belongs.
In the main text there are a number of places where you put a preposition in despite its not being needed. More generally, the tone is off for someone clearly living in the second half of the twentieth century or later. The capitalization of the word World, which sort of makes sense in the first use, is silly when it crops up again on p.20.
I also think that the footnoting next to the term hikkomori, after you let go, for instance, a fairly explicit Nietzsche reference, feels a little false.
That's about as far as I got.
Parker Brooks
>I also think that the footnoting next to the term hikkomori, after you let go, for instance, a fairly explicit Nietzsche reference, feels a little false.
Why is that, user?
The rest I understand, like
>In the main text there are a number of places where you put a preposition in despite its not being needed.
That's because I have this custom of mine to make things as clear as possible and end up putting more commas than needed lmao.
Asher Cruz
This shit is funny lmao
Noah Evans
Glad you can see the humor in it as well! Londonfrog's threads are honestly a treat imo
Daniel Thompson
If you're presenting it as an academic text, then you should footnote references to external literature systematically, not just when you feel like writing a descriptive paragraph.
Robert Miller
Oh, I get it now.
Nolan Turner
Hunter Moore
Is this not a virtual rewrite of No Longer Human?
Gabriel Baker
There's a thread up linking to two volumes of his collected posts
William Flores
I see now that the other guy who replied to you linked it. I'm retarded.
Owen King
Along with the No Longer Human vibes others mention, this also gives me a Book of Disquiet feel with the jumps to various other topics, the variance of the lengths of chapters, and the use of diary entries.
Good job mate!
Brandon Hernandez
Good on you for writing those paragraphs. However, this is largely horrible. If you pay me I can edit it for you otherwise not going to take the time.
Carson Long
Why don’t you two just set up some burner emails? Set them up, confirm each other’s true self and then pass over a better communication method.
Isaiah Hall
The second part of the 1st Notebook reminded me of a part of my novel draft, except you captured the despair of a irregular routine much better.
Maybe we'll see the rise of more NEET literature in the future.
Luke Parker
Just realized that it doesn't make much sense how a cesspool/vortex/mire would "fog up" his head
Juan Cox
Seems okay. Typical Doomer core desu. I find it too relatable to be enjoyable. One of those books you read and never tell anyone about. Keep it up tho it's better than I expected.
Chase Robinson
>that first paragraph
jesus christ i was just talking to myself about the same thing two hours ago.
i feel like i live inside a condom, i can see something is happening on the outside but i don't seem to experience it like other people do.
Anthony Sanders
Jesus Christ
I'm the goy who criticised you a little bit too hard in the last thread, so I'll take it easier those time (bear in mind that I dropped off after a couple of paragraphs):
Firstly, your foreword is too long, but you probably knew that. Second, your stylism, the constant commas and exfoliation of the text, it might be tolerable if you could also manage the inherent grammatical complications. That being said:
>'notebooks was' to 'notebooks were'
>'was to life in prison' to 'was life in prison'
>'philosophical merits' to 'philosophical merit'
And those were only the most glaring, you're swimming in a hot sewer of grammatical and even syntactical fuck ups. Again, I've come around the "babies first Ersatz-Russian" style, but I flat out refuse to tolerate sloppy grammar. I'll give you a million typos and as many syntax mix-ups as you can churn out, but fix your fucking grammar.
Gavin Murphy
I'm only 2 sentences in but you seem to rip off Kierkegaards Either/Or with a Kafka story or something?