Rate my dialogue and don't let this one die edition
/crit/
Mason Stewart
Matthew Reed
you could drop a lot of those "well" 's
Michael Hernandez
honestly a pretty trite passage, overall. I'm not trying to bring you down, but it's like an amalgamation of a bunch of different morals and scenarios. that's not inherently bad in itself, there are only so many topics under the sun, but the path you've taken with this scenario is well-tread.
that said, it's hard to know how it flows within the context of the entire story. as a snippet, it's unimpressive, but as a sequence in a familiar whole, it may read just fine. not every line can wow you, after all.
keep at it.
Gavin Phillips
Wasn't really going for any sort of moral statement in any of the lines, it's based on a conversation I've had with my dean because the MC is essentially a self-insert haha. Is the writing fine/ somewhat interesting? What did you think I was going for?
Anthony Reed
Diction in the first line is a little off from how Nadler sounds after and throughout.
Dialogue is fine though. I can tell that Nadler doesn't like Ray and that this inquisition is at least partly personal. Hopefully that's what you're trying to give off. I agree with the earlier user, scratch some of the "Well..."s.
Leo Thomas
Thanks user, it is supposed to be relatively personal. Nadler's brother is a famous actor who the petty Nadler is jealous of and Ray looks like his brother so Nadler has animosity towards Ray
Blake Gray
Better than most of the cringe I see posted on here.
Seems somewhat old-fashioned, as if it was written in the 50's or something.
Luis Perez
>College experience experience
What you NEED is an editor lol
Nathan Sanders
oooff cringe yikes cringe
Nah it's fine, it flows, some lines could use a little spruce-up ("the four years you're here is like a long hallway with many open doors, a hallway into the future, and every door's an opportunity. Every violation, every bad grade, or bad night out, a door is closed. Do you understand?") but otherwise it's fine.
keep at it
Isaiah Gray
You have some flow with the way the dialogue interrupts itself, but try not to just hammer home the same point that becomes clear from the first sentence or so. All the information you need is really in the first couple lines, and the rest seems like rehashing a lot of the same.
If I could make one superficial change immediately it would be changing "Dean Nadler sighed" to "The dean sighed." Feels less obtrusive.
I uploaded one of my sonnets to the last critique thread but didn't get any response on it. If I put it here would anyone be down to take a quick glance at it ?
Lincoln Turner
Looks decent. You could add stuff in between dialogue so it's not just dialogue alone. Stuff like thoughts on people's minds, or descriptions of the scene, including facial expressions and the like. But it's permissible to have just dialogue now and then.
Jose Cook
I come in peace.
Ryder Butler
Another one here! Just one more!
(PT 1 of 2)
Easton Jackson
(PT 2 of 2)
Jace Murphy
Posted in other thread but here
Aaron Foster
Copied this, it is better than the original, thanks
Gabriel Hughes
some beautiful language going on here. strong, vivid images.
nice dubs. interesting setting for your story. some lines sound a little stilted, like "rare-cat beast known only in Cathardis as a "lion"".
not bad. consider cutting down a few of these sentences rife with filler words.
here's mine.
>gay times in babylon
I breathe in Lofty Anu’s breath,
I eat what Ninsun offers me.
I accept words and deeds of death,
For Ereschigal brings plenty
To those still among the living.
Ishtar picks my rough, coarse lovers
In her wizened Galli giving,
And Shamash watches my mother
With his eye far above all eyes,
Far sweeter than I would have thought.
Gilgamesh, Enkidu, my cries
Are smothered by your greatness wrought
In the masculine perfection
Outside usual perception,
That makes my heart flutter astray,
Led off, and thus led far away,
By the cries of Humbaba, slain,
And Gugulanna’s form, still maimed
By the strength of you two heroes.
You are the men, O my two Lords,
Of the Primordial Nature,
Of Civilization’s Stature,
Who represent and thus absorb
The potential of every man,
Who builds or destroys, as he can.
My lords, behold my love for you-
Under the great light of Utu,
Behold my word, my speech tender,
And revel in my spoiled splendor
Only granted by my gender.
Jacob Foster
in my friend's house
ran out of drink
all we got is some weed and biscuits
i'm supposed to be writing
instead I'm daydreaming about doggystyling
kate winslet
only smoked one spliff but my eyes are already red
i'll be waiting till the cows come home for my friend to offer me a biscuit because I don't
normally beg
Joseph Rodriguez
Could be song lyrics
Robert Parker
Open any other fiction book. Do they put commas all over the place like that? Do they use countless ellipsis? It just looks like you've trailed off and lost your thought. Also, you overuse hyphens. They're either separate sentences or you can use a comma. If used like parathenses imagine them as a bracket.
I'm a bit lost. Is it desert sci fi or fantasy? You say "at last" the Merchant has reached the city, but he doesn't seem to care much about the ghouls, so why is he relieved? Gets cluttered.
Angel Campbell
>I'm a bit lost. Is it desert sci fi or fantasy?
Both. And I don't blame you for getting lost. It's Chapter 2 of my story, sorry.
As to everything else I'll look into it.
Wyatt Cruz
Correction; no fantasy, but it's certainly styled like a fantasy adventue. Just no magic.
Blake Clark
>Well, Mr. Nadler, I assure you that it wasn't me, and I'd be very interested to find out who said it was me.
Take off the "me" at the end and just let it say
>Well, Mr. Nadler, I assure you that it wasn't me, and I'd be very interested to find out who said it was
So you don't have all of these me's repeating in one sentence, just look for words like that which repeat within short spans and try to reduce them
Blake Mitchell
Thanks mate