Is my poem any good, Yea Forums?

wait what

why would you ask for crit if you don't understand it

>act's

vocaroo.com/i/s0rBKbu66G7B

what is the episode?

wait i think i get it, i deleted deafening. this was just a first draft...

didn't listen thank you

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I just wrote this one is it good

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It needs more imagery. Closely-observed imagery. Actually stare at the objects in your poem until you have something "personal" to say about them; it'll make your work feel more "lived". As it is, it reeks of just sitting in front of a blank page and trying to pull a good poem out of nothing, which I'm guessing is literally what you did.

based and goofypilled

I wrote it quickly after sitting in my backyard for a few minutes. Just noticed all of the spring sounds that I forgot, and how quiet winter was

vast bones rickety clickety clack/10

These are honestly much better than almost everything that gets posted in /crit/ threads. Decent work, user.

But thank you for the tips

Show us more of your backyard. It's a place that exists; make it feel like it.

> not actually bothering to have rythm in the verse that mentions it

amateurish. Also, use rhymes ffs,

>Her backside's finally full again
>I forgot how long I lived with
>An empty ass
>Facing her empty hole
>Penis turned off
>The echoes of no farts in her vast chasm

>But now her backside's finally full again
>And the headlining fart has been breathed
>Her ass whistles like a flute carved from beans
>To a rhythm set in cracking eggs
>Or expired tabasco sauce

>Her songs bounce between my nostrils
>Oscillating along, gold farts so light
>That twirl around white sheet
>Her backside's finally full again

hahahaa

Fucking awful Kaur-esque shite, stop samefagging

it's not great, but it's much better than Rupi
you must be forgetting just how terrible she is
these poems seem like they have SOME effort put into them

do people hate her for her success in youth? bc she's a female? or is she really legitimately boring?

Puppies in a town
Tip-tap tip-tap!
They stick their noses in the sky
Hoping to find sweet meat.

Abstract art is still legal my man. Dante or not.

I like the imagery. Pay more attention to rhythm, it sounds a bit clunky in some passages. Especially paragraph 2, line 2 sticks out of this poem like a broken bone.

Reminds of Emily Brontë. She wrote a lot (easily a quarter of her total output) about winter and spring.

I didn't say you couldn't do it, but I do think it's a trend that needs to stop. That's how you end up with Rupi Kaur on the bestseller list. If that's your cup of tea...fine. But let's not pretend that it has much value.

>Kaur
:(
I wrote them after reading Plath and Roethke

it's a cliche

It's the most vapid pap imaginable.
Hallmark cards unironically have more literary merit.
Sylvia Plath was a young female poet, and everyone loves her. It's because she was actually good.

fucking sucks
poetry shouldn't be a playground for self pity - you make it look bad for the rest of us

highly based

second reading when I go through this I can understand the image that you are creating and I don't find it interesting, it is articulate but unintelligent to write this assuming it is knowledge that is anything other than selfish

better to write about love or social processes based on experience in the world rather than solitary moping

this is enjoyable because of what might be accidental image motifs - sullen faces "cloaked in black" who "wrap" their arms around you sounds like someone pulling a plastic bag over my face. It suffers from the same mopy tone as the other one but is a bit less self indulgent while focusing on something external. The ending isnt good except for where it makes the plastic bag motif flesh

ya yeet

Just wrote this for this thread.

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nigga the syllables dont make sense it would be nice if the cadence was a bit more consistent

Eyes painted in many hues
of green and blue.
Eyes tainted from a past
covered in glass.

The poem beyond this is a bit difficult and the final two words "living still" is a bad pun on still life that cuts into the bollocks of the tone it opens with

I didn't really think of a pun, to be honest.
Also, it sounds kinda consistent to me, but english is not my first language, so I might be wrong.

Trying again.

Painted in many hues
Green or blue
Eyes of a world that's strange
Past and dead.
Eyes that still stare over many decades.
Eyes of a boy, and of man and ancients.

I fucking know. I read the damn thing three times like I was actually trying to learn something from it. It's either a genuinely damn good poem and children are poetic geniuses for some odd reason or I'm just the biggest pseud with a pronounced p on the planet.

i was just trying to talk about the transition from winter to spring - it wasn't supposed to be mopy

how should I change the ending the ending to 'Visitors'? Just delete the last line?

I just read that thread.

What the fuck? Do you always try to "guess" what authors are thinking or feeling when you read something? Are you autistic?

which one was it again? you two are talking about vocaroofag, aren't you?

Hopefully someone can read and r8 it

Frio fulminante
Debil rival al calor radiente
Recompensa a la paciencia
Es el sol de mi princesa

Mas,
Directo al sol no has de mirar
Ardiente brillo
Frio y tibio
Un calor tan infinito
Has de enfrentar
Por un segundo de princesa
Poder disfrutar

Lejos,
Brisa polar
Cerca,
Fuego infernal
Pecado mas grande
A Ícaro de su amor alejar

Luz del alba
Carbón de mi caldera
No pidas al mosco
Despreciar el calor de una vela

I made this last year

There’s a great distance
between our close two feet.
Touching.
I can feel your breathing.
The ups and downs of your chest.
The tiny details that make you ‘you’.
And yet I cannot see you properly.
Nothing but slime.
I feel like the only human
in this alien world.

"Frio fulminante
Débil rival al calor radiante"

Comienzas con un listado: el frío fulminantes que es el débil rival al calor radiante. Todo bien ahí.

"Recompensa a la paciencia
Es el sol de mi princesa"

Pero luego ¿es ese frío además la recompensa a la paciencia, y el sol de tu princesa?
Creo que ahí hay un cambio de tema súbito que no está explicado, y parece que estás hablando de lo mismo (pero es evidente que no). En realidad no comprendo ese verso de 'recompensa a la paciencia'.

"Mas,"

¿Por qué inicias con 'mas, '?

"Directo al sol no has de mirar"

Está claro que no

"Ardiente brillo
Frio y tibio
Un calor tan infinito"

¿Entonces es ardiente, frío, tibio, o un calor infinito?
Si estás hablando de muchas cosas creo es conveniente mostrarlo. Sin embargo, creo que ya se habló suficiente de la temperatura. Convendría mejor sugerirlas, volverlas metáfora, o quizá hablar de algo relacionado a ellas.

"Has de enfrentar
Por un segundo de princesa
Poder disfrutar"

Un poco cursi.

"Lejos,
Brisa polar
Cerca,
Fuego infernal
Pecado mas grande
A Ícaro de su amor alejar"

Volvemos al inicio; se da muchas vueltas a lo mismo, pero ahora se mete a Ícaro.

"Luz del alba
Carbón de mi caldera
No pidas al mosco
Despreciar el calor de una vela"

Creo la metáfora del mosquito es buena (aludiendo a Ícaro), pero, no está muy bien ejecutado (tal vez debiste de hablar de ícaro y del mosquito en la misma estrofa pero de manera más sutil). Creo que esta es la peor estrofa.

Te doy un 5/10.
Creo podrías hacerlo mucho mejor. Trata de no ser tan repetitivo.

good writing does not assert one single interpretation, but rules out all the others until only one, clear, collective reading is evident

the ultimate aim of writing is to be as coherent and beautiful an archetype as possible