ITT: worst opening lines you can think of

It's truly not.

>Immediately introduces protag
>Immediate, telling biblical allusion
>Immediately suggests that the narrator is studied
>Immediately suggests he does not wish to reveal his real name
>Three words in
lol wut

>inter unto once a large thon with const everwhich

the opening lines of lawrence of arabia's translation of odyssey

O DIVINE POESY
GODDESS-DAUGHTER OF ZEUS
SUSTAIN FOR ME
THIS SONG OF THE VARIOUS-MINDED MAN
WHO AFTER HE HAD PLUNDERED
THE INNERMOST CITADEL OF HALLOWED TROY
WAS MADE TO STRAY GRIEVOUSLY
ABOUT THE COASTS OF MEN
THE SPORT OF THEIR CUSTOMS GOOD OR BAD
WHILE HIS HEART
THROUGH ALL THE SEA-FARING
ACHED IN AN AGONY TO REDEEM HIMSELF
AND BRING HIS COMPANY SAFE HOME

arma virumque cano

Shit by what metric? lmao ridiculous

Haeyon Li was an anti-social since middle school. He always got picked on for being so weak, and skinny.

"Where am I? Didn't I die to that serial killer? The writing seems like Chinese, am I in China? I guess I should ask around. Excuse me, do you speak English?"

>In an age bygone, when workers toiled and tilled...

Not bad at all really.
As for worst opening lines, I don't like those children's books written by some second generation immigrant that shows a child's experience as a second gen immigrant that's supposed to show off their culture. I used to be forced to read them in school, always made me roll my eyes. Believe me you authors with immigrant parents, your story's not as interesting or unique as you think. It's not something that needs to be told.
So for me, the worst opening lines would be something like this, because I know it's a book I'm not going to enjoy.

>It was Chinese New year in the Yilun household and the whole familia was in a flutter. Mi abuela was making los dumplings pequeños, mi hermana was seasoning the pig feet, and mi tio was stuffing the sticky rice with bean paste. Everyone was speaking the alien bug language, "ching chong ching chong."

Post best opening lines instead. I'll start.
“Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice...”.

Attached: The Voyage of Life-Youth - Thomas Cole.jpg (1200x822, 277K)

Based

The Dangerous Book for Edgy 15!Year Olds

>In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

Oh mighty City of New York! you are wonderful to behold,

Your buildings are magnificent, the truth be it told,

They were the only thing that seemed to arrest my eye,

Because many of them are thirteen storeys high.

Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.

>the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth.
how does he do it m8s

>je voulais inseminer une belle fillette, comme tous les autres.

>And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of god moved upon the face of the waters.

I want to punch Nabokov. Seriously, if I was alive when he was, I would have booked a flight to his house in Ithaca, New York and socked the bastard right in the face. He infuriates me. It's not just his purple prose and the fact that he was obviously a PEDOPHILE. It's his retarded opinions on authors much greater than himself.
>Plato. Not particularly fond of him.
Yeah, I'm not particularly fond of your shitty writing either buddy. Nobody is going to remember you in 2000 years, but they will remember Plato. Fuck you Nabokov! Fuck you.

Keksimus maximus. There are a million of these stories out there, but the worst part is that they're not solely confined to children's literature. You can find a good handful of them on just about every online news website. There just comes a point where it becomes overdone and trite, rather than brave and inspiring.

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>Her face looked like a penis. Were it a penis, I suppose I'd be gay.The daffodils sprouted awkwardly this time of year. Awkward like my youth burgeoning into the romantic schadenfreude of the sun and the clouds mating, producing women as beautiful as she, genital-faced though she was. An apple fell to me like newton, but it hit my loins, awakening in me the science of the flesh, rather than that of the physical world which contains the flesh therein. Birthing from my psychic womb the need for swollen companionship, a thirst for the waters of another. My love for Valencia was long and hard. As long and as hard as a... well, let me start from the beginning.

That's pretty bad, OP. How about:

>This is not for you.

The opening of twilight comes to mind. Sister made me read it back when it came out and didn’t get past the third chapter I think. Shit’s atrocious.

beat off to this

>its always diffficult to start a novel

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
ché la diritta via era smarrita

god that line was so cringe

Everything was fine for once.

Somewhere far off there was a horn, and then another, and another, this continued until there were ten (count them) ten horns, all playing "When the Saints Go Marching in" perfectly in unison.

>40 posts in
>no *CRASH*
so the legends are true... Yea Forums truly has been conquered by redditors...

We raped and murdered everything neath the desert sun till we could rape and murder no more, then Mickey Schwartz got the bright idea of asking our parents to scuse us boys from the next schoolday on account of all the degenerate activities we was planning to commit and so forth.

He said the worst, not the best

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It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.