Guys, I'm confused at my own existence

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>no explanation or reasoning given for it being
Why would you expect one? What's confusing about this?

I wouldn't expect one. I wouldn't really expect anything at all. It was just nothing before I was born. If they planned of changing it they should've given a heads up. A quick introductory guide or something like that. I know there isn't a they, but what IS it? What IS this stuff around?

i often used to have despersonalization events as a kid (because of childhood abuse) but i tend to not think of this existencial ideas nowadays because of it

Matter. Or energy, which is the same thing. The physical sciences can tell you all sorts of interesting things about the physical world. I'm not even clear what kind of an answer would satisfy you.

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There is matter and energy, yes. But it's roots of existence. Why are the laws of nature the way they are? Who gets to decide them? Is it chance? Do they change? How far down can you break matter? Why does mass attract other mass? Why can matter not be destroyed? What the fuck is going on? Also, just what the fuck is happening in these heads? Is there shit like this anywhere else?

These are questions without answers. I understand that. I just want to talk about it. It's a lot to handle.

>there is stuff
Never going to make it

>What the fuck is going on?
Honestly, nothing worth worrying about. If there's a creator with a plan then let him deal with it. If not, thinking about it won't change that.
You already know these questions don't have answers. You know thinking about them won't resolve anything. So do something else.

Ok, sounds simple enough. BUT, this leaves a person with a lot of different ways to conduct their thinking. What exactly should a person do? Whatever I want? How does one know what they want? How does one know what they feel?

>How does one know what they feel?
I guess something like meditation. Practise paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Become familiar with them.
Also talk with other people about how you feel, because having to express yourself can help you understand yourself.
>How does one know what they want?
How do you know which books you'll like reading? Find out about books other people have enjoyed and read ones that appeal. See how you feel. Read ones that are similar to ones you liked. Same with anything else.

>How does one know what they want?

I am thinking about this shit constantly. When ones needs are ones personality then what does it mean when all your needs are probably the result of societies brainwashing, be it through advertisements or what people told you?
I feel like I have no real need, everything can be boiled down to a conditioned desire or base desire needed to function.

There's no 'real you' as distinct from the actual you that's resulted from your interaction with society. A hypothetical person with your biology (and soul, if you like) that had not been raised by a society would not be you. It wouldn't be anybody - first because it would have died very quickly, and second because even ignoring that it wouldn't have a concept of personhood without any other people to apply it to.

What a depressing lizard

Read Schopenhauer and the German Idealists in general. You are the explanation for it being.

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People constantly go on about free will and in the end they are all manipulated by the ideas of others, sometimes even aggressively so there is no real choice in the result of the interaction.
How can this then be called a you at all? It feels we are all just the automatons you just described, easily shapeable through every interaction with society but that thought is horrifying. The accidental ignorance of every commoner and the directed manipulation of some people basically kills a piece of your self every day and there is no way to guard yourself against it.

Free will is a non-issue.
There's no 'directed manipulation of some people'. People with power are no more independent of society than anyone else. They're no more 'real you's that exist independent of what society tells them than you are.
Nor is there anything to guard against. You wouldn't be better off without society. Again, you'd be dead. And if somehow not dead, then an animal.
You're like a vine cursing the trellis that keeps it stuck to a wall, not realising that's the only thing holding you up.

But what is the meaning of it all if self-actualization is impossible?
What do I get out of being held up? Existence for the sake of existence is meaningless.

There isn't a meaning of life. How could there be? As far as we're aware the only meaning in the universe is in human minds. You can extend it to hypothetical other minds if you like, but that doesn't really help. There can't be any meaning to the creation of mind if mind is necessary for meaning.
And even ignoring that, why would it matter to you if your life had meaning beyond your awareness? To me a pig's life means sausages. What good does that do the pig? If your life has meaning that isn't in your mind, what difference does it make to you?

There is literally nothing to be confused about existence for.

Unironically true