How have none of these hair metal dudes been me too'd?

I thought this was a chick from the thumbnail

>Jimmy came over and introduced himself as James. I had a very hard time understanding him. He spoke with a very soft and low tone, on top of a British alcohol-affected accent. I couldn’t make out anything he was saying. He got extremely annoyed when asked to repeat himself. Sheree came up to me and told me that Jimmy had asked her to go to his room and was saying some pretty freaky shit into her ear. “He wants me to go upstairs and wear some weird costumes,” she told me. She was hesitant. I was envious and told her I would go in a minute. I wanted to freak with him. How bad could it be?
>When the bar closed, I left Sheree with Jimmy. There wasn’t anyone else I was interested in. So I went home. Then about four in the morning my phone rings, and it’s Jimmy Page calling my house. “Your girlfriend is a prick tease,” he mumbled. “She’s a ‘fockin’ prick tease.” I demanded he put her on the phone. “Do you want me to come pick you up?” I asked her. “No. Do you want to come over?” she asked. “No. I’m already in bed,” I said. “If he didn’t pick me, I’m not coming back there.” I realized she couldn’t talk because he was right there. But I could tell there was something kind of wrong. She wasn’t feeling comfortable. He was wasted, grabbed the phone, and told me, “That girlfriend of yours is a cock tease.” He was acting very strange when I asked him to put Sheree back on the phone. She said she would call me back. An hour later they called back. He wanted me to come over, and I told him no. I was already sleeping and was not going anywhere.
>The next day Sheree called me around noon from the hotel. I picked her up. She had been victimized by Jimmy Page. She showed me the welts across her back. I was in shock driving her back to my house and listening to everything she was telling me about her evening. I was glad that I hadn’t hooked up with him. The scene sounded a little too weird for me after all.

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>this was at The Firm gig
>Page would've been like 40

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imagine the highlight of your life be fucking bret micheals

If the whole rest of your life consisted of living in a double wide and dying of lung cancer or diabetes at 55, it would be.

Poison made a song and video about girls getting taken advantage of in the biz
youtube.com/watch?v=AelpbAegA-4

Posted the wrong one before

Look What the Cat Dragged In [Enigma, 1986]
Working class Pennsylvania boys tarted up in their mom's mascara. Their bubblegum metal is clubfooted tinfoil at best. At worst, it's Slade for guys who don't know how to change a tire. Still, they look pretty on the cover. A-

Open Up and Say . . . Ahh! [Enigma/Capitol, 1988]
Hard rock trash as radio readymades, these cheerful young phonies earn their Gene Simmons cover art. A residue of metal principle spoiled the top 40 on their debut, but here they sell out like they know this stuff is only good when it's really shitty. "Nothing but a Good Time" and "Back to the Rocking Horse" are clubby arena anthems, "Look but You Can't Touch" mocks cock-rock with a self-deprecating gesture, and the Loggins & Messina remake has been waiting to happen for 15 years. B+

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wtf i love poison now

Where does he get the idea that OUASA is parodic?

fpbp

They don't sound too loud or aggressive as to trigger PTSD flashbacks of his high school bullies like Crue or something does.

god he's pathetic

From reading enough of his reviews, it's always been fairly obvious that rock songs featuring awkward, shy nerdy teens who are afraid to ask a girl out are something that strongly appeals to him.

no surprise that that's a condition he easily identifies with

/thread

80s hair metal was so in your face and macho as fuck.

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>Their bubblegum metal is clubfooted tinfoil at best
For the life of me I can't figure out what he's trying to say here.

based christgau

Back to Mystery City [PVC, 1984]
This Finnish fivesome is led by glam guys named Monroe and McCoy who yowl English-language lyrics that must impress Finns more than native speakers like myself. The quintet's patina of two-guitar anarchy is cute if overcalculated, but they seem to have spent more time contemplating their Dolls photos than their Dolls records. Maybe in Helsinki a look is supposed to beat a hook. That's certainly the trend in London. C+

Im absolutely shocked he gave them a good review.

LWTCDI is kind of interesting for how raw it is. They recorded the album on the cheap and didn't have the time or money to apply the usual 80s production antics so it has a garage rock sound.

tinfoil is cheap and crumples easily as opposed to metal. do you need someone to explain what 'clubfooted' means, too?

Not really. If you listen to something like Fallen Angel, it's kind of cutesy and non-threatening to him. Dude has some serious unresolved bully issues.

They sound more like the ramones or the stooges. Holy shit this guy is such a poser. Overend Watts from mott the hoople produced that album and their worship of that band is all over Back to Mystery City.

I see his reviews get posted here constantly. Where are you guys getting them?

Im surpirsed he gave them a good review because critics hated Poison.

Try...uh...I dunno, his shitty Web 1.0 website?

Just google "christgau _insert band name here_"

Why is this vid so comfy dudes
youtube.com/watch?v=7iH2eYFgDmg

In the Heart of the Young [Atlantic, 1990]
The appalling pall that pop metal casts over 1990's abysmal Hot 100 is a triumph of mass narrowcasting. By carefully downplaying any differences in gender, socioeconomic status, or subgeneration, it is in theory possible for any passive Caucasian under 25 to consume (in descending order of marginal differentiation) Warrant or Winger or Heart or Jon Bon or Cheap Trick or David fucking Cassidy. Winger are Whitesnake with the sexism muted and the facelifts down the road, their feigned vulnerability and youthcult rote masking their will to power. They may last a while, they may not. They're so bad they're not even completely terrible. C-

>post-70s Aerosmith

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Good gets.

I think it'd have been safe to assume by 1990 that glam metal was on the way out.

Later day Aerosmith just kills me, I can't deal with it knowing how much greater they can be and have been.

Bon Jovi on the other hand, entirely different story for me
youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE
youtube.com/watch?v=uCg2BoKiuOM
This shit is so corny and gay but I don't give a crap cause I already feel that way about the old Bon Jovi anyway, so I can just enjoy those cheap nostalgia feels

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Oh and Cuckgau gave Get a Grip an A because two songs had vaguely political messages he liked.

Is that supposed to be the Kool Aid Man on the cover or what?

You'd be surprised at how non-obvious it was. Record labels were still signing those bands (Cherry Pie for example was 90) and it wasn't until Nevermind kicked Michael Jackson from the top of the Billboard that it was obvious a new era had arrived.

They're all broke

Remember the other day I said he called Shirley Manson "the new Annie Lennox"? Like excuse me? I listened to Beautiful Garbage and can't imagine where in that album he heard the Eurythmics or that they had any similarity beyond being Scottish.

>ywn fuck prime Diana Lane

It's bad 2000s graphics design, that's what.

>Holy shit this guy is such a poser
And scene tourist.

It's My Life is a Max Martin tune. Jon literally gave up trying at that point and just had the record company pen him a hit.

Have A Nice Day [Island, 2005]
I think I've finally discovered the secret to their success--almost as mysterious as Jon-Jon's mysteriously unwrinkled countenance--hard rock so inoffensive it's less Aerosmith than Air Supply. Honestly, Bon Jovi meant so little short or long term that I always assumed the group broke up in the fabled '90s, taking all their releases since then as reunions or one-offs, and I couldn't seem to figure out why the product kept coming in the five seconds I stopped to think about it. Nor is it possible to tell if the one called "Bells of Freedom" is pro- or anti-Bush--it's impossible to say. A depressing proof for the existence of that fabled entity--the passive mass audience. C

You'd think that, but only in retrospect. There were bands like Warrant and Skid Row and Slaughter who were all "new" and had big hits at the start of the 90s, nobody predicted it would have been shut down so quickly by the mid 90s

>hard rock so inoffensive it's less Aerosmith than Air Supply.
>taking twenty years to arrive at this assessment

Adrenalize was the very last glam metal album to be a major hit.

I guess he just didn't know how to write a big arena rock anthem anymore.

Pity. Richie Sambora is a another gifted guitarist who wasted his talent in a joke of a band.

This 2bh.
I haven't seen Page get into trouble either.

Pump [Geffen, 1989]
If fried brains are your idea of a rock and roll dream, then side one of this album will do nicely. Of course, this band's idea of a rock and roll dream is also the traditional "Love in an Elevator," okay stuff as it goes, but I could do with more of "Janey's Got a Gun," in which an abused teenager offs her dad. B

A reaction to effeminate post punk and perhaps hippy movements.
Ironically continued original punk though.
Grunge was a reaction to hair metal, nu metal and hip hop seemed to react to grunge.
It's a continuing cycle that only the recent generation is becoming aware of... hence why people are always attacking anything trying to spin a reactive movement. It's a hell of "your all wrong". Hence why modern metal and hip hop is so bleak and dark. It can't have colours or people would spit at it. Dark and bleak is becoming our new comfy.

>Hence why modern metal and hip hop is so bleak and dark. It can't have colours or people would spit at it. Dark and bleak is becoming our new comfy.
That's just because it's a reaction against the Day-Glo tackiness of the 2000s.

As usual projecting his childhood bully issues onto the song.

No it's because all of humanity regardless of race, gender or even income have become hopelessly in despair. Worse than apathy is true despair and horror. The realisation that your family, humanity, is in the potential final chapter of it's story, or the chapter before the final one called "acts of desperation".

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I think it was just mostly American kids who grew up on various 70's influences like hard rock, heavy metal, glam rock, and punk and saw KISS and Van Halen as their heroes at some point, so they tried to do the same thing sometimes to even more cartoonish levels. I never saw glam metal as being a reaction against anything but more of a continuation and blending of certain elements, but that's an interesting take on it.

As for modern metal and hip hop being bleak, I don't know if I agree...I think it's mostly just phony at least as far as the mainstream stuff goes. Eminem, DMX and 90's horrorcore could be far darker than any of this wanna be emo/suicidal soundcloud/mumble shit that is just aping Hot Topic fashion as a gimmick to get white kids to buy....and as for metal, I think there was such a generational backlash against nu-metal which actually could have fun at times (Limp Bizkit) or go into cartoon territory with the outlandish imagery (Slipknot) and the overly teen oriented metalcore shit that they just decided they had to all be hipsters who take themselves more seriously than they should, so we get bands like Mastodon, Gojira, and Periphery who all just end up being boring and pretentious even if capable musicians

>Eminem, DMX and 90's horrorcore could be far darker than any of this wanna be emo/suicidal soundcloud/mumble shit that is just aping Hot Topic fashion as a gimmick to get white kids to buy
You need to look at the more underground hip hop out there. The shit the industry is ignoring, probably because it's too controversial and tricky to handle. There was an interesting trap sound in some scenes like 4/5 years ago and it just never broke the mainstream (or rather the mainstream turned trap into the modern abominations). There are also artists like death grips which we don't really know how to label it as it combines EDM, hip hop and even rock in a way that sounds really satisfying as a sound and distinct (unlike other experiments with those sounds which just end up uninteresting or lacking a hook to it).

There are also some weird indi/metal things happening, some with a slight new wavey trip hop thing.

They're too alpha.

I guess there's no dirt on Paul Stanley or Gene Simmons? Gene especially as he's written numerous songs about underage girls.

Paul Stanley wouldn't rape anyone, and Gene is just an old school pervert, not an actual rapist

Because girls actually fucking Iove toxic masculinity.

People who get #metoo'd are the powertripping pasty and pudgy nerds.