"The Dean of Rock Critics"

Lou Reed hated him since the 60s.

Bustin' Out of L-7 [Gordy, 1979]
Fairly funky I suppose, although not on the slow numbers. But if this is 'delic, then so was the Strawberry Alarm Clock. C+

He rated Cardi B higher then TMR. Can’t wait until he dies.

Also he actually thought Cyndi Lauper had promise and wasn't just a cheap gimmick artist.

Car-di!

*than
And any other Beefheart album for that matter

That bothers me less than the fact that he praised her "singing" ability when he's normally the first guy to call out artists who overdo it with the opera vocals.

If it's any consolation, he did write a column on how much better CB was than Frank Zappa.

>guy who called Jimi Hendrix a porch monkey and when he died, turned around and acted like he was God

>didn’t review any of Zappa’s best albums
What did he mean by this?

To Earth From Above [Chrysalis, 1975]
Is he experienced? All I'll say is he's a retread and he makes me miss the humor, fluidity, and verve of the original. C-

Caravan to Midnight [Chrysalis, 1978]
Somewhat disappointing sales over the years have convinced Trower to push the vocals of singer/second banana James Dewar up front where you can actually hear them. Uggh. C-

Just Another Band From L.A. [Zappa, 1972]
You said it, Frank--I didn't. C

Some of his reviews leave me scratching my head no matter how many times I read them.

I thought about this alot. Pretty much the last word on music.

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Bump...

The way this is worded is so horrible holy shit

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Romancing the '60s [Cherry/Universal Motown, 2007] *bomb*

Cutting Crew [Virgin, 1986]
Hip, punky wardrobe, hip record label, very hip airline, generic pop dreck. The only good Brit is a good Brit. C-

Earth [Grunt, 1978]
This is rather better than Baron von Tollbooth and rather worse than Crown of Creation, while being relatively equal to Red Octopus and Spitfire all things considered. Its expertness conceals neither strain nor schlock nor ego nor force of ambition. Its one ambitious lyric appears to link sex with skateboarding with (male) hubris. It is leading the nation in FM airplay. C

his "reviews" are widely misinterpreted on the internet to be intended as full critiques of albums when it says right on the tin that they constitute a CONSUMER GUIDE. his actual long-form writing is excellent, and though I don't agree with his taste or care about most of the music he likes and writes about, his ability to penetrate so deeply into the state of America and pop music during the peak of his writing career is seldom challenged by the "rock music" "critics" that this stupid fucking zoomer board listens to

>his actual long-form writing is excellent

I read his intro to Consumer Guide to the '80s and it was 25% discussion of music and 80% bitching about everything political or cultural during the decade that he didn't like.

>and it was 25% discussion of music and 80%
*75% I mean

>intro to consumer guide
>reading one article
i'm sorry you both lack an attention span and commonsense. why don't you try navigating back to the website and reading one of his actual editorials, you stupid fuck?

I'm glad James Chance punched him in the face

I have. One instance would be that column about Elton John where he said he felt insecure and threatened because Elton was younger than him by a few years and "is not a child of the '60s as I am, and I hate him for it."

so you mean an article where he gives his actual opinion on an artist and presents personal reflection instead of just throwing meme words and useless hero worship around? this is called being a good writer, user. sorry you're too retarded to into christgau. you're the reason we have buzzfeed and the fader

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I've never been able to figure out what he's on about when he says metal introduces classical notions of power and virtuosity that rock was meant to save us from.

>His A and A- records are almost always better than his A+ records
Exactly, and sometimes he even sounds more positive about the A/A- records. He should have just thrown out the A+ rating.

Manassas [Atlantic, 1972]
Yes, folks, Steve Stills has actually deigned to cooperate in a real band with real musicians. Some cuts on this four-sided set even echo in your head when you play them a lot. Problem is, you're never entirely sure where the echoes are coming from. C

Also what is it with him and Stephen Stills?

Don't Call Me Mama Anymore [RCA Victor, 1973]
How about Fatso? D

Can't say I blame him or that there's anything to like about the guy. Yes Still is a spoiled rich brat California hippie as Xgau pointed out and people like that usually have nothing meaningful to say.

>"The Dean of Rock Critics"
Who the fuck even dubbed him this? One of his new york boomer friends?

he literally started the pazz and jop poll. he's the ebert of rock music and everything pitchfork has forcefed you about 60s and 70s rock comes from his direct critical influence

Brain Salad Surgery [Manticore, 1973]
Is this supposed to be a rebound? Because Pete Sinfield wrote the lyrics? Because Certified Classical Composer Alberto Ginastera (who after all gets royalties) attests to their sensitivity on the jacket? Because the production is so crystalline that you can hear the gism dripping off the microphone? C-

Hot Rats [Bizarre, 1969]
Doo-doo to you, Frank--when I want movie music I'll listen to "Wonderwall." C

He claims it was a joke he made at a party in the 70s after a few drinks.

>look guise, I was only pretending to be retarded

Tracy Chapman [Elektra, 1988]
"Fast Car" is so far-seeing, "Mountains o' Things" so necessary, that it's doubly annoying when she puts her name on begged questions like "Why" and "Talkin' Bout a Revolution." Maybe I should be heartened and so forth that Intelligent Young People are once again pushing naive left-folkie truisms, but she's too good for such condescension--even sings like a natural. Get real, girl. B+

Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables [I.R.S., 1980]
I do want there to be more punk rock--I do, I do. I do want there to be more left-wing new wave--really. By Americans--I swear it. But not by a would-be out-of-work actor with Tiny Tim vibrato who spent the first half of the '70s concocting "rock cabaret." Admittedly, I'm guessing, but I'm also being kind--it sounds like Jello Biafra discovered the Stooges in 1977. C+

The Best Damn Thing [RCA, 2007]
i don't even care if she's really punk or not (as if), i just wish she'd act like it ("Girlfriend", "When You're Gone") *

lal

: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo! [Warner Bros., 1978]
If this isn't Kiss for college kids, then it's Meat Loaf for college kids who are too sophisticated to like Meat Loaf. Aside from music per se, the Kiss connection is in their cartoonishness--Devo's robot moves create distance, a margin of safety, the way Kiss's makeup does. But the Meat Loaf connection is deeper, because this is real midnight-movie stuff--the antihumanist sci-fi silliness, the reveling in decay, the thrill of being in a cult that could attract millions and still seem like a cult, since 200 million others will never even get curious. (It's no surprise to be told that a lot of their ideas come from Eraserhead, but who wants to go see Eraserhead to make sure?) What makes this group worthy of attention at all--and now we're back with Kiss, though at a more complex level--is the catchy, comical, herky-jerky rock and roll they've devised out of the same old basic materials. In small doses it's as good as novelty music ever gets, and there isn't a really bad cut on this album. But it leads nowhere. B+

Jailbreak [Mercury, 1976]
The proof of how desperate people are for new Springsteen is that they'll settle for this--even "The Boys Are Back in Town" is the sort of thing that ends up in Bruce's wastebasket. If Irish teen traumas are as boring as Phil Lynott's descriptions of them, it's no wonder they have trouble maintaining their birthrate. And if Irish teen traumas are as secondhand as Scott Gorham's guitar lines, the Irish will probably end up preferring Springsteen too. B-

This album is far more important than he will ever realize.

>Kiss for college kids
What the fuck pharmaceuticals was this guy on?

he literally explains the comparison for the rest of the blurb, you dunce

These woke black artists were such a joke.

Shout! [Warner Bros., 1984]
Marking time (actually a computer marks it for them), they play the music equivalent of baseball's play-me-or-trade-me. I played, now I'm trading. C-

desu not even black people like them

Spirits Having Flown [RSO, 1979]
I admire the perverse riskiness of this music, which neglects disco bounce in favor of demented falsetto abstraction, less love-man than newborn-kitten. And I'm genuinely fond of many small moments of madness here, like the way the three separate multitracked voices echo the phrase "living together." But obsessive ornamentation can't transform a curiosity into inhabitable music, and there's not one song here that equals any on the first side of Saturday Night Fever. B-

put respect on Tracy Chapman

Back to Mystery City [PVC, 1984]
This Finnish fivesome is led by glam guys named Monroe and McCoy who yowl English-language lyrics that must impress Finns more than native speakers like myself. The quintet's patina of two-guitar anarchy is cute if overcalculated, but they seem to have spent more time contemplating their Dolls photos than their Dolls records. Maybe in Helsinki a look is supposed to beat a hook. That's certainly the trend in London. C+

This Is How We Do It [Def Jam, 1995]
*choice cuts* "This Is How We Do It"

Little Earthquakes [Atlantic, 1991]
She's been raped, and she wrote a great song about it: the quietly insane "Me and a Gun." It's easily the most gripping piece of music here, and it's a cappella. This means she's not Kate Bush. And though I'm sure she's her own person and all, Kate Bush she'd settle for. C+

The Red Hot Chili Peppers [EMI America, 1984]
As minstrelsy goes, this is as good as it gets (and minstrelsy it had better be). The reason why it doesn't quite come off as good-natured can be found in this mysterious observation from spokesperson Flea--"Grandmaster Flash and Kurtis Blow have great raps, but not the great music to go along with it." Coming from a bassist, that's serious delusion. B-

A Fifth of Beethoven [Private Stock, 1977]
What a letdown. Here I was hoping for disco versions of "Claire De Lune", "Fur Elise", and six Brandenberg concertii, and what do I get but eight songs by W. Murphy? Beethoven made great schlock, transcendent schlock even, but you, Walter, you just make schlock. D+

Beam Me Up Scotty [Trapaholics download, 2009]
This 2009 mixtape, not the more recent Barbie World, is why if not where hards decided a biracial female was street enough. Without undue popping of coochie, she quickly establishes herself as a highly unsisterly, rabidly materialistic "shopaholic" set on becoming "the black Hannah Montana." That way of putting it should have alerted hoodrats unworthy of her hiney implants to the scope of her ambitions; on the other hand, so should "behind every bad bitch there's a really sweet girly-girl." Even her materialism is relative: "Tell Michelle I got my eye on Barack Obama/Tryin' to get that Madonna/You know Hannah Montana [a theme?]/Could find me sittin' Indian-style with the Dalai Lama/I'm meditatin' I'm in cahoots with a higher power." One does wonder, though--once you rhyme "Dalai Lama" and "higher power," do you need Hannah Montana anymore? A-

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The Marshall Mathers LP 2 [Aftermath/Shady/Interscope, 2013]
You don't like it, you don't really like the art form, simple as that. A

Mariah Carey [Columbia, 1990]
I swear I didn't know her mama was an opera singer, but then I'm embarrassed I didn't guess. She gets too political in her brave young attack on war and destitution. Elsewhere she sticks to what she doesn't know--love. Debbie Gibson come back, all is forgiven! C

Master of Reality [Warner Bros., 1971]
As an increasingly regretful spearhead of the great Grand Funk switch, in which critics redefined GFR as a 1971 good old-fashioned rock and roll band even though I've never met a critic (myself included) who actually played the records, I feel entitled to put this in its place. Grand Funk is like an American white blues band of three years ago--dull. Black Sabbath is English--dull and decadent. I don't care how many rebels and incipient groovies are buying. I don't even care if the band members believe in their own Christian/satanist/liberal murk. This is a dim-witted, amoral exploitation. C-

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Closer To Home [Capitol, 1970]
What's happening to me? It must be that damned billboard. Or maybe I'm finally starting to appreciate (note I say appreciate) their combination of energy, youthful camaraderie, and beatsmanship. After all, rock and roll has always been described as "loud" and its rhythms as "heavy." And at least Mark Farner doesn't aspire to bluesmanship. B-

he's based

Emergency [De-Lite, 1984]
If in 1973 you had told me that a ghettoized funk group would be the top selling R&B act of the '80s, my head would have swelled until someone interjected that the '70s group with the most number one hits was the Osmonds. If you had also told me that the secret to their success lay in a bland black singer named James Taylor, I would have observed that he couldn't possibly be any worse than our white one. In both of these I would have been wrong. C+

>Mongoloid
>Gut Feeling (Slap Your Mammy)
>novelty music that leads nowhere
Dreadfully, abysmally shit taste

Load [Elektra, 1996]
The good thing about being old is that I'm neither wired to like metal nor tempted to fake it. Just as I suspected, these Johnny-come-latelies-meet-the-new-boss-same-as-the-old-boss-es can no more do grunge than they can double-ledger bookkeeping. Grunge simply isn't their meter. So regardless of what riff neatniks think, this is just a metal album with the song lengths shortened and the tempos slowed, which is good because it concentrates their chops and strengthens their songwriting, and bad because it also means more singing, which they can't. C+

Diamond Dogs [RCA Victor, 1974]
In which a man who has always gained traction putting his gift for image manipulation to the service of his dubious literary and theatrical gifts makes the leap from modest kitsch to pernicious sensationalism. Despite two good songs and some decent if unhummable rock sonorics, this is Doomsday purviewed from a pleasure dome. Message: Eat, snort, and be pervy, for tomorrow we be peopleoids, but tonight how about buying this piece of plastic? Say nay. C+

>gives himself a nickname
Seriously, what a useless faggot.

Tell it, sister.

And for good reasons too!

literally who besides liberal boomers like this guy?

youtube.com/watch?v=jVuXNIqtW-0

Distinctions Not Cost-Effective [1970s]: Jon Pareles argues that if we honor high school punks we should also honor high school poets. I say we stick to high school punk poets.

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>Godbluff: Inspirational Verse (from Peter--note spelling--Hammill, yet): "Fickle promises of treaty, fatal harbingers of war, futile orisons/swirl as on in the flight, this mad chase,/this surge across the marshy mud landscape/until the meaning is forgotten." D+
>The Best of Angela Bofill (Arista) will warm Pete Hamill's palpitating heart.
Here's one for you Robbo
youtube.com/watch?v=xnn8VjSGAeY

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