The Marshall Mathers LP 2 [Aftermath/Shady/Interscope, 2013]

Jody Watley [MCA, 1987]
Though Bernard Edwards has his name on three cuts out of nine, including the definitively cock-crazy "Love Injection," you know why former Prince lackey Andre Cymone wanted sole production credit. This is his revenge--a made-to-order dance-rock sex object with better credentials than Sheila E. herself. I have nothing against women pretending they want to go to bed with me. But I found it easier to pretend I wanted to go to bed with the disgruntled former Shalamar associate when she played the flirt. C+

In Utero [DGC, 1993]
"How 'bout some Nirvana?" you'll say. "Oh yeah, great band," the reply will go. "Really had their own sound. What do you wanna play?" "It don't matter that much, any of the first three." "You mean Bleach?" "Nah, the Geffen albums--not that outtakes thing, but Nevermind or Bluebaby or . . . what did they call the Steve Albini one?" "You mean the really hard one. In Utero. The guitar one." "What do you mean guitar? It had songs on it." "Well, so did the outtakes thing." "The Albini one had better songs, actually. And it was real cadmium besides. Toxic." "You have to play it loud, though. And aren't you supposed to crank the treble too? I liked Nevermind better." "I liked Bluebaby a little better too. But that was a good album. Go ahead. Once Madonna conks out, she sleeps through the night. She's a good baby that way--nothing wakes her up. Come on, let me relive my youth." "I hope you don't regret it in the morning." "These days, I never regret anything in the morning. I'm too fucking tired to bother. Let her rip." A

I have no idea what that means

>horrorshow in stereo--they mean it, man
Haha...?

This guy would be the Tommy Wiseau of music criticism if he wasn't a mainstream reviewer.

What the fuck is Bluebaby?

Crazy From the Heat [Warner Bros. EP, 1985]
Since I'm a person of broader culture than the average Van Halen fan, it didn't smash my preconceptions to hear him cover the Beach Boys and the Spoonful and Dan Hartman and "Just a Gigolo"--just irritated me, reconfirming my instinctive belief that he chose metal over Vegas because Vegas wouldn't have him. Way back when, that is--it's clearly where he'll end up if his movie career should fall through. And as it turns out, his movie career has softened me up--the panoply of grotesquely stereotyped caricatures who populate his videos grosses me out a little, but its capacity to shock is tonic in this bland musical moment. This is an adequate soundtrack. B

Imagine a 75 year old man listening to Eminem in earnest. LOL

Actually even 16 is probably too old for that shit.

The Stranger [Columbia, 1977]
Having concealed his ego in metaphor as a young songpoet, Joel achieved success when he uncloseted the spoiled brat behind those bulging eyes. Here, the brat appears only once, in the nominal guise of "the stranger." The rest of Billy has more-or-less grown up. He's now about as likable as your once rebellious and still tolerant uncle who has the quirk of believing that OPEC is a plot to ruin his air conditioning business. B-

Desertshore [Reprise, 1970]
The Velvet Underground and Nico plus Chelsea Girl convinced me that Nico had charisma; The Marble Index plus Desertshore convince me that she's a fool. The difference is that now Nico writes the songs--songs with titles like "The Falconer" and "Abschied," songs that indulge her doleful monotone instead of playing rhythms and tempos against it. Nothing new here--bohemian hangers-on always get to publish their work while the less socially adept ("charismatic") are shafted. John Cale, with his "spare" arrangements, plays patron. C

This is too much for me. Everytime I see this one I die a little bit more inside.

>Souljaboytellem.com [ColliPark Music/Interscope, 2007]
>Boy do the haters get busy on this 16-year-old. But scrutinize the "superman" matter (look it up) and you'll see that even if he thought he was sneaking something outlandishly filthy onto a pop record, his fans thought he was inventing a dance that involved flying, thus furthering the presumption of innocence so crucial to his cute. Unlike his crunk forebears, he's not into pimping or dealing or even strip clubs--"Booty Meat" is as explicit as his carnality gets, and not only is he looking not touching, he's hoping an amateur will "turn around just like a pro." He's still boy enough to worry about those F's, and the most winning of his many winning songs was written to, and on, his Sidekick 3. There are enough sonic strokes here to keep the wrong bizzer in ringtone rappers for a year. But Soulja Boy's spiritual secret is that with less subcultural support than, say, Be Your Own Pet, he's reached the top of his world on a few tips from ex-partner Young Kwon and the loyalty of human sidekick Arab. You can hear how tickled he is about it. A-

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he means you cant like rap if you dislike eminem

daily reminder he was right and soulja boy prefigured all this mumblerap shit

LMFAO this is real WTF

How does this guy have a career?

boomer privilege
he was old enough to write about rock in the 60s and live in nyc and got tenure at the village voice

>On Avery Island [Merge, 1996] Neither
>In the Aeroplane over the Sea [Merge, 1998] Neither

Due to where culture was perched during their coming of age boomers had a real issue with idolizing things they were exposed to.