The awareness has kicked in again. In a singular moment...

The awareness has kicked in again. In a singular moment, all of my cells became aware of themselves as one unified being within working conglomeration. The Ego, the Identity faded away again in realization that what I see in the mirror is Animated Walking Flesh, a Corporeal Manifestation of Energy. In that moment I found myself Mortal and I gazed unto my own Flesh. I am temporary, and I am Flesh... what is the phenomena of Consciousness within this Body? Is it the collaborative work of each cell doing its job, is it a cluster of cells releasing electricity as they move, chemically change, alter themselves in a specific region? I found myself Alive, in a state of Living, and found myself asking 'Why, How, and Where?" I am a LIving Thinking Thing, but I cannot understand how I am one. The comprehension, and attempts are extremely painful...it is like dragging your mind through glass shards on a dusty road going 70 miles per hour. In the moment the sensation left, my sense of Identity returned, shaken, recoiling, and humbled once more of its Virtual state.

In writing this, I've thought of an even scarier question; in that moment where my Identity was gone...who was I?

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youtube.com/watch?v=fZlNt05dCX8
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I was Me before the event, and I still Me now, (or at least I think I am) but for a moment, that part of my Mind walked out, and yet I was still alive. Terrified, contemplating, and aware, but alive.

What is this? Is this The Madness? Is it the Decay? This has happened in the past before, The Original Trauma being due to a successful suicide attempt, that was thwarted by revival. I've had flashbacks, and I've had miniature moments where I am simply not there. They have not been coupled with "awareness" however; in the past when my Ego decides to "Walk out" I'm usually in Meditation, Trance, or in a State of Chemically induced High. I'm not fully conscious to experience it.

This was different, as I am not Meditating, in a Trance, or High...I was simply picking up my cat from the table...and in that moment, I achieved a "walk out", in full awareness.

I am getting older, and its been 10 years since the original Trauma...perhaps the Ego has been weakened over time, and this is simply Mortality taking effect.

I truly do not wish for Dementia, but I fear that one day I might "walk out" and not come back...it seems that I don't even need an altered state for this anymore.

Perhaps this is the price to pay for Death escaped, a slow Death of the Mind that makes you yearn for Physical Death.

Excuse me, I have to vomit.

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Back from vomiting; to finalize on the position of my Mortal fears, and my scary question, I suppose what I am scared of is not my Mortality of Flesh, but rather the Mortality of my Mind, its Identity and Ego; for a brief moment tonight I did not know who I was, yet I was still alive. There have been times where I forget people who I've known for years, forget where I am, or even forget which position I'm facing, but I've never really lost my sense of Self, at least in a normal state of Consciousness.

This is a bit concerning, but raises the very real question, "Who was I when my Mind slipped away for that moment? Was I still Me? Eas I just the Flesh that Thinks itself Me? Was I someone else?"

Perhaps this is all ranting and raving, the more I question and think about it, the more nauseous I get. Perhaps it is one of those things better left not to introspect on.

Or perhaps this is just the onset of Early Dementia, or a minor temporal seizure.

Who really knows?
I believe to the layman, this is lunatic fringe talk; to the medically practiced, symptoms of a disease either neurological or psychological. To the spiritual/superstitious it is a phase of transcendence/awareness/awakening; to the Philosophical it is Realization and Seperation of Body and Mind... this is why I chose [s4s] to speak of such things.

Nothing here is taken seriously, and I can simply voice my thoughts, without anyone really giving a thought other than ses, fef, jej or nice dubs. I believe in times of great complexity, a visit to a simple place that enjoys its simplicity is best.

So, in [s4s] spirit, I too will be simple.
I am in Great Pain, and continue to be in Great Pain. I wish the pain to stop, but cannot express my pain in a proper way where people can understand me. If the Pain does not stop, I am afraid that I will be lost to it.

plz hep. :(

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you are always the current you and the past yous combined. You never fully remember the past yous but you can at least utilize them. The yous that make up you are fickle and you sometimes become melancholy about the dead yous but they died for your current and future you. That is quite literally why they exist

shut up you fucking retard

So I'm just in a constant state of dying and living over and over again? Doesn't that degrade over time?

#rudeypudey

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checked and yes and no. we exist in a constant state of old and new mental states and renewal and readjustments but like any tool it degrades over time. just be glad we can all think about this and experience emotion like no other organism can. that's why music is beautiful

any music you'd recommend for this feel and the coming of terms with my Mental Mortality?

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checked again, this helped me through my first introspective rabbit hole, I don't know if it will help you
youtube.com/watch?v=fZlNt05dCX8

Thanks fren.

I'll go relax my brain a bit :)

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