The noose has been calling my name lately. The state of my life; what would you guys do?

The noose has been calling my name lately. The state of my life; what would you guys do?

> Be me
> 36 year old male
> Live in small town
> Married the first chick that showed me some attention
> Jizzed in her a couple times cause it made my trouser gear feel good or whatever
> Two kids now, both high level autists
> i think they might not even be mine
> they both sorta look like the guy down the street who my wife buys bubba kush from
> Next week will officially be my 8th year of selling phone cases at the mall kiosk
> Wife has gained ~45lbs since the first autismo came out of her anus
> Her job is to wrangle the aspberglers and post minion memes on facebook
> My job is to sell the otterbox cases and bring home licorice and chocolate milk for her

Attached: 0CBBD5EB-0584-419C-97A3-A39BA7B3C045.jpg (1242x901, 52K)

> today i came home to autismo senior holding down autismic junior and trying to jam lego bricks in his ear
> wife XL is up in the bath tub of course
> The dominant aspergismus bites my hand when i try to break up the UFC TardCard title match
> I can tell already that wifey deluxe has been letting him eat sugar cubes again
> i've been on my feet for 10 hours today negotiating deals on screen protectors
> i know i'm no match for stone cold steve aspie but I try not to show my fear
> his weakness is high pitch noises. i need to get to my safety whistle
> Big 'tistic sees me eyeballing the junk drawer where I keep the emergency whistle
> he knows the war is lost if I make it to the kitchen

> Large Tard abandons all his lego penetration initiatives and recalibrates his objective
> he busts out his secret move and hurls his sweaty beach ball shaped body through the air and into me, completely intercepting my trajectory
> mini-berger is recovering at this point and preparing to re-enter the battle
> i can hear the sofa walrus moving around upstairs, but I know she will need at least 5 more minutes to pull herself from the tub without my help
> I'm all on my own
> the spectrum brothers have settled their differences to form an alliance against me
> i'm preparing to curl into the fetal position and cover my face to minimize the biting damage
> suddenly i see my big queen's weed smoking lighter sitting on the floor beside me
> i have one move left, and now is the time to play it
> with one flick of the bic, I light my hair ablaze
> the smoke detector engages and is shortly followed by a harmonious symphony of the electronic alarm overtop of two screeching Tismo's who are now covering their ears and laying on the floor air-kicking their feet
> I make my escape and get to my safe space, the 2001 dodge caravan in my car port
> the smoke alarm has now run out of batteries and I'm afraid to go back inside
> tomorrow i will have to wake up and live this day again

sounds like a sweet life OP, you should definitely stay alive

Spectrum brothers lold

Ass Bergers must be genetic OP

>Stone Cold Steve Aspie

Fucking lost it.

Consider a divorce

Post walrus

Wat