Hey Yea Forumsros, long time no see. I've became an EMT two years ago and recently cracked a little. I just need to vent a little. So, I've been at it for a couple years now. Luckily, this is only my third suicide. GSW to the head, suicide via semi truck, then this. I've had countless codes. But this is eating me alive. >My partner and I responded to a DOA - suicide by hanging. Her boyfriend found her in the bathroom. She has been dead for 10+ hours by this point. >I was fine until I went to move her out of the bathroom. That place was filthy and so small. I had to kneel down and pull her by the shoulders to get her out of the bathroom doorway. She had been cut down. When I pulled, her head flopped back. Her head landed in my lap. I had avoided looking too much until this point. >The deep purple of her face, the ligature marks, the cloudy eyes. The gnats on them. Her tongue sticking out. Dry and dark. Her stiff, rigid body and the terrible emptiness I felt when I touched her. The "I'm sorry, I do love you" note she had written on the back of her hand in green ink. The smell of spilled nyquil and the rotten crabapples outside. Her pretty, brown hair getting caught in the paracord that she hung herself with. I saw it and smelled it and it burned in my brain all at once. >After that, I didn't have time to process. I've been working. It's been busy. I've been focused on that, getting caught up. Blah blah. >It's my first day off since. I guess it's just now hitting me. I was checked up afterwards on that evening when I was leaving, but at that time, I was okay. I was busy. Now I'm not.
I just had to type it out. I haven't reached out other than this, and I feel like I should when I go back. I just need an outlet right now. Thanks if you've read this far, and I'm very sorry if this story bothered anyone.
It sounds dark, but make jokes about it. It’s called “black humour” and it helps many people in your situation cope. If you make light of a situation with other staff then it will take a load off your shoulders
Kayden Williams
Normally I would and I have in the past, but I can't this time. I don't know why. Plus everyone I work with is depressed and are pretty close to offing themselves. Only a matter of time before my partner does too
Brayden Bell
T. Intellectual 12 year old. How fucking old are you? You don’t need to explain the most basic aspect of this entire website you fucking stupid idiot, we all know what dark humor is. Oh and by the way, op, don’t follow this fags advice. For real answers you should probably go to /adv/
Adam Gonzalez
Damn that's some heavy shit, do you go to therapy? That definitely helps with stuff like this. This was written really really well, like I would read the shit out of a book if you wrote one, very nice poetic style man.
Benjamin Lewis
My friend was a pediatric paramedic in manhattan. He couldn't handle it in the long run, the shit he told me was unbelievably heartbreaking. No judgement there I don't know ... but sorry man, that sucks but somebody has to do it and I'm glad it's you and not me. You meatwagons don't get paid enough.
Connor Carter
You are doing good work.
Remember when men were told to man up and bottle their feelings, to just use grit to get through it all?
We stopped telling men to "man up" and learn to grit it because agenda pushers thought it was damaging to us.
Well there is a reason why that was done, and still needs to be done by people who actually get shit done. While it feels like shit, you will get over it and toughen up. It will feel like shit and should feel like shit always, but this is why we are men (or why not women) of spine and integrity.
Grit it.
And, you are doing valuable, honorable work user. Unlike most of us, including me. Thank you.
I dont go to therapy. The Paramedic i was training under pretty much told "man up and shove it down" and I have ever since. I have a journal for all my experiences, maybe I'll post it in a google docs thing Thanks user, the pay isnt terrible but it's definitely taken a toll on my mental health. Most of the time, I have to put on a smile and fake it but to be honest, I just feel numb. Maybe I should try dating, being alone and spending my free time lifting only helps so much
Jaxon Morris
Reach out to your leadership about seeing a therapist. Just because you're a first responder doesn't mean you're immune to traumatic events. It doesn't mean your weak or that you'll need therapy for the rest of your life. You've seen shit no person should ever have to see. You take care of your equipment, I'm sure, give yourself the same respect and take care of your mind.
Justin Mitchell
Sounds to me like you have it figured out.
Dating is fine, hobbies etc normal life. Work or workout should not be your entire life.
Mason Morris
You really think therapy will help me? I feel like I'm to far gone at this point. I've only seen three suicides, but other calls I got for attempted suicides still haunt me as well. At this point, I've been doing the fake it till you make it and pretended to be happy.
Austin Green
you really should go, if you feel that way, you definitely need to address these issues before they get worse and start affecting your lifestyle, therapy can definitely help and if you feel like you need more help a therapist can refer you to alternative treatment options too. I've felt that way in the past too, and considering you write this stuff down and vent here, venting to a therapist would be 100x better for your mental health.
Ethan Young
That sounds shit. I'm no expert but some ideas: - Listen to music that makes you sad/emotional. Apparently listening to depressing music can help some people deal with negative emotions. If it makes you cry, then let it out, if it doesn't, it doesn't. - Talk about it with someone you're close to & be honest. - Get outside & go for a walk/run/cycle/etc. Allow your mind to wander & reflect as you do, but also be aware of things around you like nature or people. - Seek professional help, doesn't have to be paying for a counselor. Could be a priest/pastor/religious figure, even if you're not religious, as they'll be non-judgemental & used to it, or call Samaritans, as they're there to listen & give advice.
Good luck
Jaxson Russell
Not EMT like you. But my dad died in my arms in 2013. Know the feel.
Keep up the good work. You're making a difference in this world. That's something. Hell, that's everything.
Jordan Walker
Go to therapy. Write a book about your experiences as an EMT. Getting stories like this out of your system can help "ease the burden", if you will. A therapist will help with that, but there is a catharsis in coming clean more publicly, even if functionally you are just putting thought onto paper and making it available for the public to read. It might also shed light on the mental health issues prevalent in your field. Might also make you some money. If you feel weird about taking the money, give it to me or donate it to a charity of your choice
Sebastian Fisher
Maybe I'll look into therapy before things get worse. Dont want to end up an heroing and having someone from work to come deal with my corpse. Not a bad idea, maybe I'll publish my journal instead of putting it on a google docs thing.
Isaac Rodriguez
Thanks user. It means a lot to hear that. Sometimes it doesn't feel like this job is worth it, but it's nice to hear that someone believes in me
Tyler Walker
saw this exactly on reddit a few days ago so not sure if trolling.
if this is really the same dude from reddit, then man you need to go to therapy. theres no shame in it. im a 4+ year emt. ive seen plenty of fucked up shit. i happened to have my father, who used to be in ems mane years ago to lean on. if you dont have that support, seek professional support. take care of yourself, or you will crumble in this job. nest of luck to you brother. stay safe.
if trolling, kys.
Thomas Robinson
on mobile ignore my typos
Josiah Williams
Will do user, thank you. And yes to the reddit thing.
Samuel Allen
Worked for 15 years as a dispatcher for the local 911 system, and worked with more than one responder with this exact situation working on/in them. Seriously, seek whatever therapy that's available. The work you do is so important, and if you just try toi "sack up" things will not be well in the long run. Take care of yourself so you can continue to effectively help take care of all those future needful others.
Nathan Davis
Did she have a nice body? How attractive was she before dying, from 1-10?
