Tales of degeneracy.
Wake up and go to take a piss. Pretty early, sun is up. Walk out of the bathroom and look at the sun shining in through the window. My cat is laying on the floor in the hot sun. I reach down to pet him and as i bend my knees my pants make a cracking sound as thousands of dry cum and piss particles get illuminated by the sun.
Walk back to my room haveing made up conversations in my head where i talk to girls.
Was good friends with instructor at martial arts studio.
One day she forgets her bag at dojo. Asks me to pick it up.
Find her dirty, sweaty panties in her bag.
Sniff, lick and fap.
Wear them to work for a week before washing them.
Never give them back.
Laying in bed. Only leave once or twice each day to piss and shit or get a drink. I go to the kitchen one time to get a snack. Im throwing something in the food compost as i come to realize that my smell is worse than anything in the house. The sweat and piss smell is something you get used to. But after 3 years of not brushing my teeth i sometimes pull out months old pieces of meat that get stuck in my many cavities. Those pieces of revolting, almost pickled, rotten meat smell like my breath does only a bit more concentrated.
I continue to procreastinate cuz in a few months i will have gotten used to it.
Shave wife's pussy two hours before her "girls night out".
She doesn't come back until 10:30am.
Fuck her that night like nothing happened.
I only lay in bed. Over the past 3 years i have probably been up for 5 days at most. I only change the sheets if i spill something. It has been months and i can see a film of dead skin cells and dried sweat around a silouette of were my body lays. The filth is piling up even worse beneath as i usually wipe or blow the filth over the edge and behind my bedframe. Soon it will be mounds of toenail/fingernail clippings and the filth from my body.
Nice. I live with hot cousin and I get to sniff and wear her thongs.
My disgusting way of life is one thing. But the mental stuff is so fucking embarassing. I'll have conversations in my head where i talk to girls and pretend to have friendships. I dream of working out and eating healthy in my own apartement. Talking to hot girls and living my life. But i allready know that it's too late. I have spent so long ruining my posture and hygiene i don't think i can ever be pleasant to look att or even be close to. I'll almost cry thinking of how i ruined my life and my chances at happiness. But then i'll make up another fake life in my head to start the cycle again.
You need to clean that shit
I'll jerk of and sometimes just roll over into it. It's so hot in my room it just mixes in with the sweat and i won't notice it in a while.
I probably do. But it has allready been so many months, a few more can't hurt?
You shoud write a book
Lmao one time i came and just fell asleep not cleaning up
I have this glass that i drink from. I never clean it since it's the only big glass i own. If i have a smaller glass it would mean i'd have to get something to drink more often and i'll rather go thirsty than have to do that.. Anyways this glass is so dirty it has accumulated a crust of grease in the shape of my hand.
That's what is like with a girl
Why what you mean?
Underneath my nails is a plethora of wild shit. From hours of just scratching my balls and ass, to running my hands through my hair picking up literal grams of grease. The taste of biting my nails is almost unbearable but then if they are short they won't accumulate so much shit. I would save the gunk from my nails on the side of my bed.
You don't have to clean up. It's like a walking tissue that makes breakfast.
Some girls don't go clean up and just let it slide out.
All of this degenerate bullshit is pretty bad on its own. But personally i find it a thousand times worse knowing that i was perfectly fine only 5 years ago. I had great grades. A good paying job. And lots of friends, even a few girlfriends. I was skinny but fit. People liked to be around me and i got invited to things. And i allways remember that. Every minute of my newfound degenerate life, i remember how i was so happy before. It only makes me hate myself more so i continue.
I don't think i could get myself out of this rut. But even if i could my profound hate for myself wouldn't let it happen.
I'm gonna post the rest of this porn folder and bail. I might return if i can think of some other disgusting shit that i do.
sounds like you need trip man...
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Funny you say that. I might get better on a nice trip but the reason my life got fucked in the first place is drugs..
Chicks have to clean up afterward brah. And so do you. It's not like a vagina is a washing machine - stuff stays with you. I know, shocking.
Have you tripped before?
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Yeah i've had some great times on Ketamine, MdMa, lsd(tabs and liquid) Shrooms mixed in honey and alot of 2-cb
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if you just meditate like 10 minutes a day for a while until its a habit you should try that coming up on cid. shrooms work too but I like having a longer time to process things
I sleep with my mouth open since my nose got ruined doing drugs. When i wake up i'll lean over by bed and spit in the trash. The spit tastes like lemons. And stings as if it was battery acid. I could probably get a ph reading of 2 if i ever tested it. Anyways my trash doesn't get changed that often and when it is really humid in my room it will gather as a puddle of the most vile juice at the bottom of my trash filling the room with acidic shit smell.
I used to like meditating. I would lay on my back with my hands at my sides trying to empty my head. Only thinking of my breathing until my pulse would rest easy and rythmic. Then i would make a map of feels on my body. I would think of my toes, and my fingertips and my chest and arms. One by one i would feel my bodyparts until they all felt static and weightless. I could imagine myself on a pivoting board going in circles and if i was in the right mindset i could make it feel like i was weightless and falling through my bed, even the pivoting motion of the imaginary board. All of this was a pretty good experience but if i do it now i immediatly loose control of my thoughts and start to think of the most negative shit ever.
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huh. never heard of meditation not working. have you had a psyche eval?
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Never works for me either. I Geuss I'm just dull to that kind of thing.
Yeah i've gone to some psychoterapists but they couldn't help me. I have hatred for myself. So even if i thaught the medtitation helped i would savotage it for myself immediatly. It's like i am constantly fighting with my own head. I dream of getting better but if things ever start to get better i shut myself down and ruin it all again.
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Final bump. Im gonna sleep. It's so hot i can barely stand being awake.
well just remember the perception of the self is an illusion and everything is ultimately deterministic. It sounds kinda depressing but its actually a really profound lens to view the world
Story?