Tell a joke, it could be original, you could be a hack and plagiarise it...

bump for moar

I never knew my dad
He was sexually abusive
At least he was very active

Attached: 947DFAC6-84A9-4598-91FB-ED6AFD5EE827.png (500x387, 62K)

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

What’s a good substitute for lube?
Blood.

Can an user be so kind as to also rate the jokes?

The fuck did I just see

Like, out of ten?

Yessir

A Hispanic is walking down the street and sees a pickup truck skidding down the road towards him
His fight or flight instinct automatically kicks in and he border hops his self into Oblivion

Now you know why sombreros were made

It is very genius if you ask me

A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, well, that's a different story," the owner says. He wraps up a bottle of his best and hands it to her, waving away her attempt to pay for it.

On his way home, he walks past the convent and sees the nun, drunk as a skunk, doing cartwheels on the lawn. He runs up to her. "Sister, how could you? You said the whisky was to help your Mother Superior's constipation!"

"It will, it will," the nun mutters. "When she sees me, she's just going to shit!"

whats the difference between an onion field and a pile of dead orphans?
onions make you cry

Attached: 9ef.png (3840x2160, 350K)

Two babies walk into a bra. One says "This place sucks." The other says "No, you do."

Eh...

Attached: giphy.gif (500x271, 2M)

A horse walk into a bar
The bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse says "Neiiiiigh" because it's a horse.

A nigger, a mexican and a muslim are in a car. Who's driving?
The cop

Knock Knock
Who's there?
I'm going to rape you.
"I'm going to rape you" who?
This isn't a joke bitch.

I’m not the priest that used to rape you, no need to be so formal.
And I feel like it would be kinda pointless, there’s only so many times you can say “that’s offensive”.

Really, that gets an “oh shit”, but not the basement full of dead babies?

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

Funny, I say, because I said the same thing not an hour ago.

I feel like we need to make a push against underage drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to fuck someone in the recovery postition?

Well
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

a guy goes into a mechanics office asking him to fix his rim.the mechanic told him to to wait in the restroom. the man said "why the fuck do i need to be there?". the mechanic said do it any way so the customer agrees to wait in the restroom stall. the mechanic walks into the restroom stall where the guy is and the mechanic said "you wanted a rim job right?"

:|

Bump for dark humor

Attached: 155063241818.jpg (250x187, 9K)

Attached: F8FC1DD9-9F63-477E-B912-B9E72412A77C.png (256x384, 135K)

a man walks into a bar
he says OUCH
then the bar tender says WHATS WRONG?
the man says, i hit my head on the corner of the pool table
then the bar tender says lol well you are a dwarf, grow up!

I was fucking my girl the other night and I shoved my dick in her ass. When we were finished she was all pissed off at me. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was mad that I had the audacity to ass fuck her without lube. So I said audacity huh? That's a big word for an 8 year old

>mfw the mods above their banhammers up our asses

Attached: 10A714AF-9043-460F-ACBB-B39907F327ED.jpg (1533x1077, 72K)

Good one
>Eww, but she can walk

Maybe elsewhere, newfag. That's par for the course, here.

What punch can knock out 20 people at once?

A Sandy hook.

Attached: 1563320305009.png (1000x1000, 250K)

What's the difference between an ancap and a libertarian?

The ancap is still in highschool and the libertarian isn't allowed within 100 feet of one.

Moot made a mistake.

Attached: 07C8D201-EDEE-43E3-A1DB-BE222747EAFC.png (194x259, 81K)

They shoved one up mine for just showing up on a CP thread, that fucker might have just fucked us all.

how do you get ground baby meat off your bathtub? using tortilla chips.

What CP, what are you even writing about?

Attached: 1445704755487.jpg (617x367, 34K)

A dyslexic man walk into a bra.
He got arrested.

what's 8 inch long, stiff, purple and make my girlfriend cry when she eats it? cot death

yo hold up, that's not an aeroplane

€500 bill

It’s not a fucking thesis, man, shouldn’t be that hard. Faggot posts CP, thread is either debating whether or not it’s real or saying “MOAR”, Mod shows up, bans us all.

A priest, a rabbi and a muslim walks into a bar. No one survived the blast.

Paddy and Murphy at work, paddy says "you up to anyting good dis weekend murph?"
"oim goin scuba doivin" says Murphy.
"Is dat dat ting where you swim with all dem fishes without doyin?" says paddy.
"yeah", says Murphy, "would ya loik to come along?"
"oi fuckin would!" says paddy "sounds fuckin great!"
Saturday morning and they're both sat in a boat in the middle of the ocean
"roit" says Murphy, "we've gone tru how to use all da gear, what were going to do now is sit on dee edge of da boat, I'm goin to count to tree, on tree were goin to fall backwards in to de water and have ourselves a roit old toim, ok?"
"Roit" says paddy, "lets do dis"
On the count of three they both fall backwards into the water and they swim around, see some beautiful sights but eventually they call it a day and climb back in the boat.
"Dat was feckin incredible!" says paddy, "Oiv never done anyting loik dat in me loif! Oim actually qoite emotional, can oi ask a question dough moi friend?"
"ask away" says Murphy.
"well you know dat ting at the start there where we had to fall backwards into de ocean ... Why did we have to fall backwards?"
"well if we fell forwards paddy, we'd still be in the feckin boat!".

what did the leper say to the prostitute?
keep the tip.

Yeah, i know, and after that you got ban in some similar words to this. Banned because of replying to pedo bullshit.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"

Did they order a fruit blast, which gave them alcohol poisoning?

What’s the difference between fucking a toaster and a cancer patient?
A toaster can’t clench.

My son got sent home from school today for getting a blowjob under the desk from one of the girls. I said: Son, that's the third school this year, maybe teaching's not for you.

boobie

I got one if you like dark humour.
> A man walks into a pharmacy
> He asks the clerk running the store
> "Hey you got any female Contraceptives?"
> The Clerk says yes and to avoid the akwardness of the situation says
> "So you and your wife gonna have some fun tonight?"
> The man responds
> "No they are for my daughter"
> The clerk gets suprised at the answer and can´t help but ask the man
> "How old is she?"
> The Man responds
> "10"
> "10! Are they really sexualy active in that age?" Asks the clerk
> The man answers
> "Not really, She mostly just lies there".

Attached: Aaaaaah.png (356x308, 155K)

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? NEIN!!!! It’s funnier if you cut off the end of their answer.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.

Als die Alliierten Berlin umzingelten, rief Hitler seinen Untergebenen zu: "Hol mir Goebbels!" Und sie sagten: "Aber mein Anführer, er hat sich selbst vergiftet!" Und Hitler sagte noch einmal: "Hol mir Rommel!" Und seine Untergebenen sagten: "Aber mein Anführer, er hat sich selbst erschossen!" Verzweifelt sagte er: "Hol mir Konrad, hol mir Franz, hol mir jemanden!" Und sie konnten nur sagen: "Aber mein Anführer, sie sind alle tot! "Alles, was Hitler damals sagen konnte, war:" Hol mir meine Zeitmaschine! "

>Ich kek’d dieser tag

Mickey Mouse is talking to his lawyer, who says
"I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but I'm afraid your wife acting a little silly just isn't grounds for divorce."
To which Mickey replies
"I didn't say she's acting silly, I SAID SHE'S FUCKING GOOFY."

65, that’s a lot.

Attached: 24DD9AAC-B5EC-4505-8B4A-CBB2B0B6219A.jpg (620x363, 19K)

What do you call a black priest?

Holy shit

What do you call a black man in a state trooper uniform?

"Sir"