How do I pass a piss test /bros? I want this job but I smoke weed. Is artificial urine the way to go...

How do I pass a piss test /bros? I want this job but I smoke weed. Is artificial urine the way to go? Some kind of cleanse? I have read about people taking niacin and flushing with like 2 gallons of water a day. Any anons here have any experience beating these stupid piss tests? Your advice is appriciated.

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5 poops rule. Lots of fiber and laxitives if you have to. The anus is the #1 purifier of the body once the liver and kidneys get rid of it.

5 poops no piss.

If you drink so much water your sample is 'clean' they will make you wait and test again.

If you use a fake urine and the temperature is not right, they will either: A) Make you test again, B) Make you test again observed, C) Tell you to go home. All three options are determined by the employer.

Also, fake urine has distinct smells that most techs can detect. Since it is way more common than you might think. Often the ph and other shit is off to, which is a giveaway.

Your best bet, decline the offer and wait 3 weeks to 3 months depending on usage and body fat. Then seek out a real job again.

If you can't go 3 months without smoking to obtain a real job, you need to seek help.

Bump

No they can piss after 5 poop.

Ok bro, 2 Gallons a day will make you pee a lot but won't be enough to cleanse your system.
So, to do it properly you need to chug 2 Gallons or more fast, drink it until your stomach is full and then some, you might feel nausea, but you need to keep it like a champ, repeat every hour

Sounds like bad advice
Can't you die from drinking too much water?

I'm not supposed to piss until I poop like 5 times in 5 days you mean?

>5 poops rule


Worked for me. Except I got anal fissures one time and had to do the lemon water and cat shit one

Lol h2o poisoning, I love you Yea Forums.

Can legit die from drinking too much water.
Don't believe me, just google it. Hyponatremia

5 times 1 day. Repeat until the day.

Checked and keked

Maybe stop smoking weed, you stupid degenerate.

Checked. But can't I just use like a friend''s clean urine in a condom, if it's the right temperature?

I mean... you could hide it in your anus

You sure can

Wat?

I don't understand. Did you poop 5 times?

Wear baggy pants to cover your socks go to Wal-Mart or store that sale syringes buy two 10ml syringes place in sock. Go to test piss in cup on thermometer 10ml to get it to 90 then add 20mls of water. Dilution is less then 50mg and you pass

Or save time and get the condom full of piss inserted all at the same time.

Buy a catheter empty bladder.
Fill bladder with water piss clean.

Better yet, tell your friend to put on the condom, not to the base, penetrate you and release all his urine inside the condom and your anus, that will make it easier instead of trying to slip up a condom full of piss

OP here, thanks for all the ideas and laughs guys.

definitive answer
>My old job had me doing piss tests for the feds, so I'm actually an authority

1. if it is an onsite test, meaning it does not get sent out to a lab, then you can flush your system with water and be fine. those tests almost never have a marker for dilution.

2. if it's being sent to a lab, that won't work because they can see your creatinine level to the ng/ml. fake piss won't work either. you need clean human piss.

caveat to 2: a diluted sample sometimes isn't considered a positive, depending on how the person reading the results. so, if you flush with water, piss diluted, you'll have 5-7 days before they'll make you retest, and you can use that time to ACTUALLY get clean.

stop smoking weed though, you child

Hydrate
Sweat
Hydrate
Dilute
Hydrate

Kys

confirmed for best answer

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I just stop smoking for a month before, always passed. Failed the one after I got hurt though but I was only planning to work there another week or so.

is this a new one?

Mostly true. But 5-7 days might not be long enough if you are over weight, not necessarily obese, but carry enough fat to see/feel (be real, you know if you got fat). Especially if you smoke every day, and have been for a while.

OP again, thank you for these serious answers. So can I just go in there baked and mix my sample with warm water, if it's an onsite test?

Yes. You will be fine. Jk. Lol good luck retard.

if you're not obese and you exercise hard for all but the 24-36 hours leading up to the test, 7 days is enough

an actual smart person on Yea Forums, rare sight

also many employers will reject you with an inconclusive test unfortunately. but for real who smokes while looking for a job that's just retarded. and i love smoking. but it's better to actually be employed

no, you will probably fail. people that insist on getting high up to the point of the test need to bring someone else's pee. it would have to be about 5/6 hot water and that's hard to pull off without the strips looking weird

Friends clean piss is easy to do but you have to worry about the temperature. Get them to pee in something, pour it in a condom. Wear briefs or compression shorts and tuck the condom in with your nuts, which helps keep it warm. I’ve also passed by buying one of the 50 dollar cleanse drinks, I forgot the name just google them, follow the rules on the bottle. Also, when you piss never use the first or last of your stream it’s the dirtiest.

flush with water means drink water, not mix your piss with water

Thank you for the good advice

If you have to drive to the test place, warm it with your cars heater.

How 'bout abstaining from blunt hitting and not being a degenerate?
I had to take a piss test for the army at meps and they actually watched me
I had to do what I had to do and it wasn't just me
It me and 4 other dudes that took that piss test
Not using anything for a long period of time is the only way to go

>How do I pass a piss test
First, get a 3 oz. sample and follow these steps.
>1 oz lime juice
>zest from 1 lemon
>1 spoon of sugar or 1/2 oz simple syrup
>1 oz. rum
>1 oz. vodka
>1 oz. gin
>1/2 oz. tequila
>2-3 drops bitter
>pinch of salt
>shake for 2 minutes
>add 3 oz. piss sample and shake again
>serve in tall glass
>fill with either champagne, ginger ale, a fizz of club soda or a fizz of jizz

Used to work in a rehab. Can confirm. Your best bet is to stop smoking NOW, and drink 50 oz. Of water a day at least. Your best bet is to dilute the sample and have to retake it. But no, if the tester is smart, you can't hide someone else's piss or fake it. Testers see this shit all the time, and I promise you're not smarter or slicker than someone taking urine samples professionally.

Just stop smoking.

If someone is willing to wear a tied piss condom in their pants to the fucking interview just to avoid getting caught, as another user said, they really need to get help lol

I bought powdered pee and a battery powered warmer to pass my merchant mariner. Only issue was the pee came out too warm so I had to mix it with another vial I had taped in my underwear, spent like dive minutes in the bathroom but they didn't ask any questions. I had a digital food thermometer from Amazon to verify temperature. It can be done fairly easy, do a practice run or two with water. I kept a backup file of room temperature (body temp) fake pee to mix with the too warm pee.