Be me

at the end of the day the only person i feel like hurting is myself

sorry for all the questions but it will help me to help you? what you suffer from is call self destructive behavior on top of that anxiety thats very normal in your condition so is ocd. you been through a lot. the whole thing about rape it makes you feel worthless the underlining of all conditions is always shame and you need to take few steps no one hates except for your own mind always remember that. you have to live with your mind and it has to get friendly otherwise as time progress your depression will get worse. you are at cross roads in life because not everyone can admit they have a problem.....1/2

start with kristin neff Self-Compassion it will reduce your fight and flight system self-compassion.org/ start with meditation its psychotherapy kind a therapy without medicine. when your mind relax a bit take a hot shower and get rewire by richard o'connor it will explain you how to get out of traps your mind set for you and break some real old habits

i promise you two things one you will fail in first week but hold on to it and keep walking and if you stay with therapy i promise you you will be a completely new person.the favor you can do for your self no one no medicine can ever do.

i don’t think my brain can relax without medication.

self destructive behavior doesn’t sound like such a bad thing

its hard wire to relax with something alcohol weed zoloft prozac any thing. its a pattern the whole point of psychotherapy is to free the mind rewire it to different pattern. in your condition what you been trough alcohol or weed is nothing more than coping mechanism cutting your self is copping to shame these are things that need to change. if you wanna take a leap of faith try Ayahuasca its experience is life changing it do fix but trip last six to 9 hours and you will need to take six session. but i am sure you can not access Ayahuasca?

is that you, every girl I've ever dated?

well end of any mental disorder shows how dangerous it is and self destructive behavior is mind game and if mind wins it usually result in suicide.

probably. although i don’t have much luck with dating

most likely it’s only a matter of time before i actually go through with it

based on the name, probably not.

Ayahuasca active ingredient n-n dmt so basically its a 6 to 9 hour long dmt trip hallucinations good and bad patterns but thats all in front. its like taking a short cut to therapy since you have anxiety i can not recommend or say go for psilocybin or commonly call mushrooms because psilocybin gives anxiety attack and all the new patterns new connection of neurons are made in that anxiety attack. in the end its you who decide what you chose to cure or dont cure and if you do cure dating will be a lot more easy since you will see dating with new mind set.

Let's be friends coz it sounds like you need someone to talk to. What's your snapchat, wickr, kik or discord

i can try and get some. i don’t give a fuck what i take anymore

i am extremely socially retarded, people tell me at least. talking probably wouldn’t be for the best.

the past tense implies the girls I dated didn't have much luck either.

sweetie thats the entire point of this conversation. you need to give fuck about it because you are human and have value but this is all means nothing because of constant numbness if you are going to take then write it down or remember. psilocybin dose start with 1 gram wait four days on fourth day do 1.5 wait four days do 2 grams its macro dosing do not i repeat do not go for 3 grams your anxiety can cause psychosis but if you do micro dose or macro it will slowly keep fixing and if you fall for trap of your own hateful mind and say FUCK it and you take 3 gram DO NOT FIGHT IT LET IT FLOW LET IT SHOW AND FACE EVERY THING. it will take six months on macro dose to clear every thing

that’s unfortunate

I've been through the same self loathing and the same fantasies about suicide.
From my personal experience, it comes in waves/phases. You'll be happy you didn't An hero in a little while, finding that little bit of opptimism, but at the first sign of stress and anxiety, you'll go right back to that head space and idealistic thinking of everything being better with you not around. It's all how you choose to cope. That's my personal experience.

i’m not quite sure how to face anything

it used to come in waves, but now i don’t have much to make it get any better. i find myself just regretting the previous day every time i wake up. It might just be my time

So am I but it's worth a try

the whole point of dmt from ayahuasca or psilocybin is you do not need to it forces you to face it and then help you fix it. but when mind fight against it thats where bad trip starts because its mind in the end afraid of change afraid of new connections and pattern. it will take you back to trauma and will show you where you went wrong and what you can do to fix. see it as dating you try to approach a girl or you see a girl you like her but can not ask her well after therapy you will be change to a point you will reason in different way. try golden teacher mushroom strains or b+ never go for penis envy its not for you

i think my mind would fight it out of habit

a lot of people i know just like you was never sure how to face it thats why micro dosing works well and in micro dose you get happy for six hours and relax that cure anxiety in three to four months depending on person but after that its the big thing its dealing with rape sweetie thats not something small you didnt deserve that but here you are it happened and you need to fix it one way or another in the end i want you get laid and have wonderful experience not like porn but with love and compassion like every other human you deserve to be happy

i don’t think i deserve to be happy and to be honest i think i gave up on it a long time ago

thats where you need to control micro dose does not cause hallucination thats why it takes a long time to heal and once you pass anxiety in three months you will be able to deal the bigger things and if you feel like crying please do so you cut your self at some part of your brain its suppressed the part that felt bad let it out make sure you are in peaceful environment where you do not get disturb for six hours or four no need of music nature is best place or your room something soothing but make sure you are comfortable every time you take micro dose

honestly love you. see your numbness your depression is taking over :you dont deserve it lets go out i do not want lets play games i do not want i am bored maybe i will try" its very normal in your condition but then there is you who made a thread pour your heart out seeking for attention and thats again so normal and you made me smile. you can change any thing its anxiety ocd depression holding you back and they will keep holding you back till you chose to let go it always going to be you who will do something for yourself

i’ll definitely do something for myself eventually but i’m not sure which route it’ll be. the only reason i accept this kind of attention is because it is anonymous

love u 2

sounds like my mom's early life. She is 50 now, and the strongest, best person I know.
Hold on, user. If you make it through the dark times, however shitty life is right now, is how amazing of a person you will be for having made it through this.
Just remember that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

i guess that means something. but i just don’t think that’s me.

Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
The reminders pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh
And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair
Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
Well I do

do some reasearch i can sure you zoloft will make it worse never better you will do every thing but dead inside prozac will always want you to go hero then there is alcohol it will make your condition worse al-cohol the Arabs who invented it call it al-cohol spirit eater in other words depression in bottle weed will numb you down till it exit your system and every thing comes back rushing smoking dmt will make you feel better till 11 to 15 minutes later it will exit your system and you will get addiction to that high to be happy. only thing remains is lsd but your anxiety will cause problem micro dose it and it will help. what i am trying to say years of numbness same brain patter gets us stuck in a circle and mushrooms micro dose or ayahuasca it will help you to see world in different way think it as ayahuasca dmt trip is a reset button for brain mushroom does the same but very slow 3 months of micro dose and your anxiety will go away and can get open up to some good girl not cancer bull shit women

Hm. never seen that

Show me your body.

depression in a bottle seems like my kind of thing, i’m convinced the only thing that’s gonna get me to live another day is my refusal to get out of bed and face anyone most of the time.

you first, user-chan

If you're a girl (female), maybe you can come be my pet in exchange for a continuous supply of bottom-shelf vodka and cuddles.

Attached: JPEG_20190721_225450.jpg (4032x3024, 1.21M)

sounds promising

nice skeleton

You can be little spoon so you don't have to face anyone.

Double dubs.

hug you and sweetie thats how you should be and no way other. you went through hell hugs you really went through hell and survived death of any thing that is dear to heart do take part of us with it. and then there is rape its not a small thing and its normal under therapy to cry and its not your fault always take your time to get out of bed even it takes to afternoon never meet anyone if you do not feel better you are going through a lot and i really wish on this cross road you chose right path no one can force you. you have your like dislike,opinion, anger, love hate in the end you are human and seeking attention or giving attention its always your choice. do what you can do for yourself. depression takes out all energy because its in default mode network of brain the part of brain responsible for solving problems and your brain is always fighting something thats no there thats how trauma works.life is most difficult experience out of all experiences

i think i’ll stick to the self loathing and seeing how deep my pocket knife can get

You could be doing that while blackout drunk in my bathtub.

don’t think i’ve ever been hugged. to me, human is a term meaning everyone minus myself. i’m more of a walking corpse

poor choice of knife, why not go with something more useful?

how appealing, bleeding out in strange places

>this
My ex used to get into the steak knives while I was at work.

just always have it on me, i’ve tried others

what fun

Hey, at least you won't have to worry about your corpse being found by someone who cares about you.

Live for your cat, your cat died so you could have your horrible life go on, life is horrible, you have to be strong. There are too many ways to let yourself down without taking responsibility, take responsibility for your dead cat.

well that would be anywhere

Probably not true.

you're a real negative nancy, you know that?

Well then! When can I expect you?

i still miss him. i would live for him but i’m not sure if he lived for me. he died by breaking his neck falling from the top of the steps. although we think he had a heart attack during the jump if it means anything.

i don’t see the problem there, user.

Yeesh. His heart attacked him?

Dubs demands.

There is nothing to bargain with death, that is the illusion, you have to face your nemesis and make the pass for yourself, no one else can make it while they are dead.

you can always hug your self just like you can always masturbate matter is what you chose for your own body your own property. the numbness the dead inside always occasionally laughing its normal and not your fault the trauma you went through is not a small thing. there is a reason rape is publishable by jail time, chimerical castration, even death in some part of world. psilocybin connects the neurons to part of the brain that is responsible for compassion and courage and shuts down default mode network where anxiety comes from kind a put you in a state where normally people can socialize where as alcohol makes us feel courage and soon as its out of system we are back to zero state hence dependency with destruction

yes, literal meanings are always correct here

i think death bargains with me quite often.

You got through it so far, you can only go up

next time i leave this hellhole, i’ll be sure to be right on over. see you in 20 years

i’m not sure. every day seems to add some more

I had a cat die from choking on a piece of sharp cat food, I would give anything to have him back, I would suck his dead kitten cock and suck shit right out of his clogged asshole just to hear him in his happy world, the world is cruel and unfair and designed to put everyone into a desperate deathgasm because self denial is the only thing that helps us cope.

it may be cruel, but it might be fair. i sure feel like i should have more coming to me. maybe that’s why i want to end it

less self pity, more risk taking behaviour thanks.

spend more time getting drunk alone in bad parts of town at night or take up freebase climbing.

ever thought about getting proffesional help? it does help alot.

I could come get you. Where do you live?

once again its built on the backs of those who suffered and were laid to rot, the world is not a rng machine its a state of copious shithauling to viel us from the truth, everything good comes with a price and a horrible consequence. You are only seeing the remainder of a broken promise and whats in store is a very dim and bleak future.

i’ve tried. my parents always thought psychology is a pseudoscience, i’m sure that didn’t help with my failure in therapy

sounds fun

I had an alcoholic ex literally pass out in some bushes while walking home from the bars. You know what happened when some dude found her? He texted the last number she'd been talking to (Me) to ask where she lived so he could get her home safely.

i’m surprised. but maybe that’s just from the kind of people i know

risk taking behavior usually works out fine. you have to keep doing it to get the results you want.

well hurry up then

Then he raped her on the floor of the mudroom at her house and left her there facedown, dripping, with her panties around her ankles.

maybe my only good is being self aware

Who raped you, do you remember it all,
How was it ?

We should be friends.

it would help if i wasn’t a lazy fuck, i tend to not see a point in leaving my bed

ok user, the last thing you should do is do anything that may end you up going deeper with something such as substance abuse

I know people say they don't know what it's like to be depressed, but these things might help

Have a look into the Wim Hof breathing method, and extensive Cold Hydro Therapy, in other words, throw your ass into the shower with the dial turned all the way down

start with very deep breathing exercises and meditation and you should see immediate results.

Wim Hof is the name, he has a ton of videos on this stuff, and he firmly firmly believes it is a cure,

It's the least you can try,
good luck.

You could be not leaving my bed, though.

i was drugged. i don’t remember their face. if you really want to know how it was, i get panic attacks but i also can only get turned on thinking about rape. take it or leave it

I am starting to see why you don't think you're a worthwhile person

i’ve tried meditation. i only take cold showers. i also take them in the dark, although it isn’t very practical. maybe i’ll try to meditate again

worthless sack of shit, just self aware.

You ever been platonically cuddling with a stranger from the internet, then they platonically wrap an arm around your neck to choke you into unconsciousness, and then you wake up with their cock platonically pounding your holes until they're inside out?

if you ever saw my appearance your comments would change, user.

can’t say i have

Show me what you've got.

Someone went through the trouble and risk of drugging you just so they could tap dat. You're probably not completely hideous.

but then the whole suicide thing would come faster. although i guess that’s a good thing

eh. i was single digits in age at the time. i don’t think what i looked like affected the situation

Yeah! Silver lining!

I was a sexy kid, too. We can totes bond over reenacting our molestations.

oh joy

yeah you can end it but i wouldnt

You know you wanna.

i don’t really see why not

And then afterwards, we snuggle nicely like they never did.

That's your problem. You doubt yourself. You question your self worth. So much that you reached out to an anonymous message board for help. Trust me Yea Forums used to be my outlet to vent my emotions but it's not real. Very few times I was able to see the bigger picture especially when equally depressed people gave me their opinions. Nothing that happened to you while you were defenseless, gullible or vulnerable defines who you are now. It may have happened to you but don't let it define you or your identity. The beautiful thing about growing is that you aren't the same person you were but a new version that you have control over. I've been through this and at one point thought I was hopeless but now I know who I am and what I am.

i like to think i was snuggled and i just don’t remember

for fun everyone is a friend person if he does not have idk schizophrenia

Well, this time you'll remember for sure.
You just have to take the necessary steps to make it happen.

you know, that’s actually a thoughtful response. i appreciate that. however i think my fate is going to be the same either way. nothing can help me and as far as i can tell it seems like the only way out more and more.

what if i don’t want to?

Tits or GTFO

i have hallucinated but i don’t think i’m at that point yet

geting raped is not crazy man why trauma?
also just get a wagecuck job and move out things gonna improve family is gay anyways
ey man i got a idea rape the guy that raped you before killing yourself you need to do dumb shit because normal suicide is pathetic

That's just your sense of self-preservation talking.

they’re disappointing.

>i have hallucinated
kewl try some lsd or shrooms maybe you get enlighted and dont wanna die anymore

i suppose it is

if i knew who it was i would consider. unfortunately, i only have knowledge and proof of everything else.

become independent. cut your family out of your life as quickly as you possibly can, and become skilled at something and get a job. stop drinking and start proving that other people won't hold you back, or just kys lmao idk bruh

what are you using?

i’ll find out i guess

Not as disappointing as you not following the rules.

sad anyways just go on things cant go worse then now only improve

most likely the second i have no skills and have never been able to develop any

Adapt and overcome. You could be getting murderaped by the weekend if you just put your mind to it.

maybe. i don’t know what to think

You aren't tho

>raped when younger

atleast you smashed

that sounds like more of a week day thing

L8r virgins.

which thing? although i can take a guess

two thumbs up

i would recommend you to not care sounds easy as it is atleast for me but it only works if you solve the most important problems

I'm off until Wednesday next week.
Let's do this.

kek

>raped when younger
so your hot right?

i think our ideas of not caring are different

oh boy. not gonna spend time with the wife and kids?

nah

yeah i think your right what i meant is dont think about it sounds maybe hard but after some time you just gonna accept it and go on

I mean. I can ask, but I don't think they'll be into it.

You are the holder of your destiny. You are the only person who controls your fate. You can keep on doubting yourself and making excuses or you can fight. I know that when I was defenseless, all I wanted to do was fight or be stronger than I was back then. Do that now, build yourself to who you wish you were back then when it happened. It won't change the past but when you build that confidence of knowing who you are and overcoming that situation, literally frees you from that bullshit all those therapist, self help books and inspirational seminars will ever bring you. I don't know you but I know if you survived all that bad shit, you can do this.

if i’m lucky, i don’t tend to look on the bright side.

i think it’s a fun family activity

thanks user. one day at a time, i guess. maybe it’ll work out. most likely not, but maybe.

But you're not part of the family. That part is only pretend.

Both. I'm the only one giving you thoughtful responses only because I've been there.

nah buddy it’ll be fun for them

If you're under 20 get on gender changing hormones asap
Grow nice lactating breasts
Prostitute yourself online and irl
If ugly an hero

well if you got out, i’m glad for you. can’t help like feeling i’m the exception to all the feel good bullshit no matter how hard people try and push it

i don’t need sex change hormones to do that, user.

Tits or GTFO

Lol stop with that apathetic, self loathing shit you've been used to telling yourself, stop making excuses and really work towards positive change. I probably sound like those therapist you mentioned spewing positivity bullshit but it does work. One of the exercises I found helpful was listing 10 things you do good for a day and repeat them into a mirror. It really does change with rethinking how you feel about yourself. I know you can do this just try, not for anyone else but for yourself because that's all you have when you're by yourself.

This is something I do just for me. Maybe once you're rendered sufficiently compliant I'll pass you along to someone else.

How old are you?

i may do that but i’ll still have the few people in my life who tell me i’m a worthless retard. oh well, can’t say i disagree with them. i know i’m pathetic and i should change but most days its hard to find reason to

i’ll have to pass

Why?

same

welcome to the cool kids club

not my thing

Since when have you had anyone respect "your thing"? You can be useful to someone. That's more worth than you have now.

Don't do it for other people. I tried, for my significant other, for my friends, for my family. It really comes down to how you want to feel. I've been called selfish but living for you is the best thing you can do. If a huge failure who has hit rock bottom more than once l, with multiple suicide attempts can live a stable, fulfilling life can do it, so can you.

hm

i don’t think i’m worth living for. i think it’s too late for me no matter what. i don’t know why i made this post. maybe it was my last attempt or something

Don't believe his lies.

If you don't want your life, I'll take it.

and what do you mean by that?

I think it was your last resort because that's what I did. Always posted to Yea Forums about emotional bullshit before I did but now that I got through it. I'm glad I didn't. Life is meant to be lived not suffered through. You've been dealt a huge shitty hand, now work with it, remain positive and work through it until it's part of your past. Your experience could help someone in the long run.

Did you just assumey gender?

Find out.

i don’t know. maybe you’re right. i found someone i loved once, it was fine until my mind got the better of me and i made him hate me, just like everyone else. he couldn’t deal with what a shit show i was. i think i’m doomed.

No, I quoted Memento.

no : )

The coward has found the will to live her own life. Huzzah.

more the coward decided it’s better to take it at her own hands. yippee

1010011010#5453 if you'd like to talk.

But you're a coward and will never follow through.
Give me your flesh.

whoa there slow down. buy me a drink first

not any good at talking.

Probably, scapegoats are apart of human nature, you do us the favour and carry our guilt and sins and either get casted away from the herd or die so we can live happily. Human nature will naturally pick a new torturee with the unhealthy dynamics, with you gone you can think of that as your revenge.

or you can accept the dynamics and change them. do something real to those we feel deserve it.

What part of "continuous supply of bottom-shelf vodka" was unclear to you?

You seem to be doing quite well in this thread.

interesting advice, i like it.

That's only a defense mechanism. You push people away because of your trauma. That's trust issues stemming from past experiences so you project onto the next and keep wondering why everything turned out the same. Identify the pattern, recognize your response, change your behavior. It like relearning to breathe or walk but it helps. I know you can do this.

not sure why. anonymity plays a factor but so does the underlying feeling ill be dead soon

you still up for the cuddles?

How would you like to die?

Always.

i can try

not sure yet, given it thought however

< 3

Top 3?
I'm partial to rabies, personally.

well obviously od the rope and blowing my brains out have always been on my mind, but something interesting enough to get on the news would be good too

Yeah. It's amazing what becomes possible when an exit plan is optional.

yup yup

Anyway, phone's at 5% and I've got a couple more hours before I get home. You know how to contact me.

do i now?

You do.

can’t say i do

>dad is a violent schizophrenic paedophile from a rough city
>my mum was also violent
>parents moved from Manchester to Taunton in 1981 because racist
>had my sister in '89 and me in '92
>used to beat me, lock me in cupboards and wash mouth out with soap when I was as young as 3
>had to watch and sometimes get caught inbetween parents physical fighting
>mum and dad divorced in '95
>mum took me and sister to Manchester women and childrens home
>met a guy called Frank
>he used to beat me and my sister, swung us by our ears until they bled
>dad set up a meeting and took us to Exeter
>sexually abused me, physically abused me, mentally abused me and verbally abused me
>used to go crazy a lot, heavy drinker. extremely violent
>dropped sister off at cop station in June of '97
>I'm with this crazy bastard until late '98
>go into care
>am withdrawn
>I molested kids when I was a kid (even living with my dad)
>my foster dad cheated on my foster mum so there were a lot of fights there
>foster dad has punched me on occasion
>I tried to fuck foster sister
>killed her hamsters and a dog
>pyromaniac
>thought about mass murder a lot
>thief
>vandal
>I attempted burglary once
>zoophillia
>foster dad rinsed my mum out of 30,000 quid last October and the resulting animosity between them made me fucking worried
>but they renewed their vows for 25th anniversary so whatever
>recently find out paedo dad died 3 years ago

wew

nah fam. u 100% need to get revenge at least. if you can't bring yourself to do it then dont bother killing yourself. an uneventful suicide is absolutely not the way to end one's life

Re-read the thread. You'll figure it out.