ITT we work in an office

Dot, not feather

*takes sixth smoke break*
No one in this fucking office does anything all day!

Hey Quad master, want a cig? Relax yourself

Hey Peter...what's happening

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Rick, It's not even about that. We need to cut costs and that means lowering our tax rate. Minorities and women = tax breaks.

Dave

*tries to flirt with the receptionist*
*poorly*
Hey! What’s up
*phone starts to ring non stop*
sup?
*phone continue to ring*
>receptionist to busy to notice user

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Did anyone see the tits on the new intern shae?

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Which one of you selfish pricks filled up there cup and didn't bother to start a new pot?

I heard she and Chad from Accounting are going out after work

I hope nobody realizes I've been in this bathroom jacking off for the last 30 minutes.

Naw fam, I was too busy staring at her buck ass teeth

>Sends Friday cat meme
>CC everyone

The lady janitor knows!

I've told you, they're our IT support. As long as I don't have to smell or see them.

Or do you want that overweight faggot in a cartoon horse tshirt back?

(Slurps loud) not me.

Should someone tell her about Chad's herpies?

I noticed them too but the face, tits, and ass cancel it out

JANET CAN YOU STOP PUTTING THE WET SPOON BACK IN THE SUGAR JAR

Bruh you wanna try and spit roast her after the work bbq?

NIGGER!

Consuela has an eye for all things dirty

That's just setting up for failure. Efficiency goes to shit and than we're in an even deeper hole.

On an unrelated note, our new intern Jacob identifies as an jewish lesbian from Africa. We diverse enough now?

Rick

You little fuckers, get the fuck off of Yea Forums and get back to work.
Thank you,
Management

Hell yea. But first we gotta remove Chad from the equation.

Every Indian guy;
>yes boss
>hello chief
>yes my friend
>microwaved rice for lunch

Remember General Rule 31 applies: All coworker murders are to by carried out on your own time and outside company property.

Dear management

Kek

user

Wow HR was on that one for a change

*ring ring*

who dis?

"Hello Deborah,

As per our last communication, the spreadsheets were supposed to be due Monday. I'm sure they're finished but if you could send them to me ASAP that'd be great. Let me know if you need anything else.

Thanks,

user"

>>sits at desk ACTUALLY working.

Steve

Wtf why arent those spreadsheets I gave you done yet I sucked your dick they're gonna fucking fire me

Deborah

>hey user do you have a second okay great
>did you see game of thrones?
>it was crazy when danis got her head chopped off and kaleesi was all upset right?
>right?
>right?
>oh sorry were you working on something?

Hey Steve, this package was to be sent to you a month ago.
We've been dragging our heels a bit because, well we just don't give a fuck unless it's payday.
Time for a smoke break.

Nah dawg, i dont watch tv. I havent in like 10 years.

All good, needed a break anyway.
yo, where's our fucking intern? i'm out of coffee

>"Hello new hire in a consultancy firm"
>"hello"
>"we're sending you to a customer"
>"k"
>"From now on, say that you have 2 years experience with us"

Ok right

>YO, WHERES OUR INTERN?! I NEED SOME DAMN COFFEE!

Chad is non-essential anyway.

For more information on that matter, consult "So that fucker took Your cup one too many times" brochure.

Yo they're towing Tony's beamer guys check it out

>did you get to shit on the dash like you wanted?

I'm jacking off one stall over. I know it's you Ron, I can see you shit-crused penny loafers

>Nah dawg

Racial slang in the workplace? That counts as your Martin Luther King Day this year, Jamal.

I heard the intern is our VP's second cousin's dogs breeder's son's friend's twin and that's how he got the job the little prick. That girl though, she's a peece of ace if you know what I mean. She can get my cockacino anyday of the week.

Which one of you ass hats used all of the toner? It literally takes 2 minutes to swap out. Honestly.

>Email to all from management

Attention, there is a fire on the 5th floor. You are not allowed to leave your work stations until you are finished for the day, or until the fire reaches your exits.

Any personnel on floors 6-12 are to continue working as normal. If you feel the smoke is intruding on your work please feel free to open the windows.

Until then you must stay in your designated workstations unless otherwise informed by your supervisor.

>End

Must be Chinese office.

Donuts in the break room guys *bites donut*

>20 blank stares
>"maybe the temp did it"

>scratches ass with bare hand, right down around the hole
>walks to break room
>touches each donut

Aww man chocolate glazed donuts are Tony's favorite, I should give him one, he never gets to these in time before they are gone.

>*stares nervously to verybody*

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Hi boys!
HR just hired me because our workforce was not diverse enough.
I identify as a black asexual muffin top.

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Dude's the printer's on fire.

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Dude is that in Lucifer ?

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Cool deal, hey Achmed said he needed to see you in a mandatory tour of the building.
He's on the roof.

I sent an email its fine

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No, because I'm going out with Chad in accounting

>ITT we work in an office
*submits resignation*
stay fresh cheese bags, I have shit to build.

Why was I hired here again?

good, the fucking things never fucking work, fuck em

What's that smell? Hope those chinks in IT are not cooking dog again.

who's the cocksucker that reheated fish in the microwave?????

>checks on the cameras in the ladies' restrooms

whose turn is it to make some fucking coffEE? I CANT WORK WITH OUT COFFEE FUCK FUCK FUCK

I told those fudge packers I like Michael Bolton's music.
-_-

ok who is the wise guy that moved all the stuff on my desk around

>gets on company intercom

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I spent all my years believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, oh somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm OK, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

[Repeat: x7]
(Find me somebody to love)

Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Somebody find me oh
Somebody find me
Somebody love
Somebody, somebody to love

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Did you guys catch the game last night?

i can't lemongrass the googles.

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I think I'm going to take the week off

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Who shit and didnt replace the fucking toilet paper! I had to use todays TPS reports in the restroom.

who the fuck scanned his/her own fucking turd?! what the fuck people

So I walk up to this bitch (apparently right after she got divorced) and say "what's up Karen you wanna go for a jog this afternoon haha" and she's like "please just leave me alone" and I'm like "whatever bitch" and then like an hour later get called into our HR person's office and they're like "you gotta stop harassing Karen she's going through a lot right now, she's just signed her divorce papers"

And I'm like "hah who'd married that skank, someone with a wheelchair fetish?" And my HR person (Hank) was well like "come on man, they've been married for 16 years. They've been having trouble since her accident last year. She thinks he blames her for getting into the accident that killed their kids" and I'm all like lol

So I leave and I'm hungry so I go to grab my lunch (turkey and provolone) only to see, lo and behold, that dumb bitch Karen set her bag of lunch RIGHT in front of mine!! so I write out a note saying how glad I am to be working with her but if she puts her lunch in front of mine again I swear to fuck I will finish the job that God couldn't

So I go through the rest of my day joking around with Karen every time I see her even though she is I giant cunt about it (my favorite was 'accidently' dropping a pair of scissors on her colostomy bag lol) and I have to ignore the picture of that fucking rat whenever I walk by her desk

So I finish my day asking for her ex husband's number since I need a new wingman to look for some babes with and she fucking flips it and when she's yelling at me I'm all like "maybe if you don't want to get divorced you shouldn't have gotten hit by a drink driver you ever think of that bitch" and then she rolled away aggressively

Johnson!!! Stop this shit, this is the third time today!
Heather ain't gonna ride your dick for this and you know it.

Came here for ticket about your computer not working. Yes ma'am, the glowing button on your laptop is the ON button.

Who the fuck is smoking weed on the break area again? It's the third time this week I'm telling upstairs.

*taking my 2nd spank break in the handicapped bathroom with earbuds in cause im got the volume up on /gif/. Shit, noone restocked tissue; looks like im gonna have to shoot it right in the sink.

WHO THE FUCK SHIT UP THE MICROWAVE?

Can you sign this birthday card please

"OK, we've had to make some real sacrifices, and some of you will have to be let go.."

*BZZZZ*

*pick's up phone*

"Oh, my new Bentley is ready for pickup? Awesome!!"

I

Who the hell had a 1 terabyte meme folder

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the dubs killer had returned
*bang*

HOW IS THE PRINTER OUT OF INK 3 TIMES A DAY!!!!!??!?!?!??

nothing personal

kid.

> puts on noise cancelling headphones
> drink coffee
> start typing
> only 8 more hours of this shit

Who broke the coffee machine
WHO BROKE THE FUCKING COFFEE MACHINE
I SWEAR TO FUCK I WILL TURN THIS PLACE UPSIDE DOWN UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHO THE FUCK BROKE IT I NEED A CUP OF COFFEE DAMMIT I DONT KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS AND YOUR ENERGY AND STAMINA BUT I WOKE UP A FUCKING HOUR AGO AND I NEED MY GOD DAMN COFFEE SO WHO THE FUCK BROKE IT.

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> noise cancelled
> was totally me

Who the fuck stole my swipeline stapler I swear to god I will slaughter each and everyone of you until I find it

HR has a sit-down meeting with you to warn you about harassment.
Fired for racism before EOD.
Joke's on you, 4 brownies are already undergoing onboarding.
Shit happens. Not much you can do.
Karen: *laughs*, "yeah my bad LOL this body isn't getting any younger!"
Again, joke's on you, "Karlina" already is, and the inferior races are already here, just not in your department.
Fired before EOD for racism.
Also fired before EOD for racism.
Also fired before EOD for racism.
Verbal warning from HR.
And? What's your point?
Nice. Proper office etiquette.
"Just working on those TPS reports, Mr. Lumbergh."
Fired before EOD for admitting that out loud.

cont...

Cops arrive and arrest you for "sexual assault", which didn't actually occur, and you're fired even though you're innocent because of the image it creates.
Fired before EOD because some whiteknight fag reported you to HR.
Literally everyone does this, don't take it personally.
Nice. Proper office gossip.
Fired before EOD.
Harassment seminar from HR.
Your boss warns you that you're done if that happens again. His boss's boss's boss wasn't even slightly amused.
They're only here on Tuesdays, user...
Fired before EOD.
Fired before EOD.
Everyone hates you for being a prick to Janet. She's been working here for 34 years and she's set to retire in like 3 weeks, for fuck's sake, cut the lady some slack.
Fired before EOD.
Fired before EOD.
Nice.
"No. That's quite diverse, and you did a good job, Rick, but we still need more diversity."

cont...

[shows up to work late, wearing a dirty shirt, and treats everyone like shit]

[does work from home because is afraid of social interactions and is ashamed of always wearing a dirty shirt]

>yeets myself out the window

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>stare at female coworkers' tits over their blouse when they're bending forward to pick some shit from the floor
>Errday

"Everyone who visited the "WWYD" thread on Yea Forums is being terminated, please turn in your badge and laptop to the front desk when you leave today."*
Fired before EOD.
You are correct.
Fired and cops called for joking about that.
"Get back to work user"
Whoever wrote it got fired. Get back to work.
Surprise surprise, it's a vendor who wants you to buy their crapware. Hang up.
"Sorry user, I'll get those over to you before lunch -Deborah" *gets them to you at 3:42 pm
Some annoying fucker comes over and won't stop talking to you about stupid shit and all of your productivity goes down the drain.
Steve is fired by EOD. You are given a promotion in exchange for signing a paper promising not to sue for the sexual assault, despite being utterly unqualified for the position in every way.
"Nah, just checking my email"
Deal with it. Mailroom doesn't get consequences.
Someone makes fun of you for not watching GoT and assures you repeatedly that you're not the only one who hasn't seen it despite you never having claimed that.
Abso-fucking-lutely accurate.
"Oh, I sent him to go pick up donuts, he should be back soon"
You get cold stares from other non-essential employees.
Someone starts shouting for Tony. He comes out of a meeting room, visibly ticked off. "What the fuck is the problem guys, I'm in a meeting with a cl... FUCKING SHIT NO THEY FUCKING DON'T I AM NOT DOING THIS SHIT AGAIN!" *Tony runs towards exit*

Im secretly stoned at work everyday and nobody knows, i have a contact in healthcare that tells me everytime there is a drug test so im never caught.

Another day, another dollar!

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no comment
Fired before EOD.
Fired before EOD.
Fired before EOD.
"Cry me a river"
Not in the USA, see .
*the fat guy breaks out into the fastest sprint you've ever seen*
Accurate.
You're a faggot.
Tony is fucking pissed, calls HR about it, they assume you did it. Fired by EoD.
Nobody talks to you.
"Welcome... sorry what was your name?"
Everyone's evacuated.

cont

Leftover birthday cake in the break room if anybody wants a piece.

The fat chick with the annoying voice in the next aisle starts yapping about how she just started watching season 2, and there is not a single soul that wishes for anything more than for her to shut the fuck up. Steve tells her that there were donuts in the break room and she better hurry if she wants some before they're out. She gets the message and shuts up.
no comment
Everyone's evacuated.
Better sign that relationship paperwork with HR, user!

In 10 years, 's annual income is 10x yours.

"You're free to leave if you don't want to be here"
People agree with you lazily.
Fired by EOD.
Sexual harassment seminar from HR even though you didn't actually call any specific individual a cocksucker.
Fired, jail, lawsuits, have fun.
"You're responsible for being able to do your work, user"
Nobody cares.
It was Jim. He's asian.

cont

what motivates someone to write all this

Everyone claps. Everyone except management.
You last 2 weeks at most.
"No, I don't want [game]ball".
Good boy, diversity hire.
Better have enough PTO accumulated for that.
Several people laugh.
HR is called. A "formal investigation" is carried out. Nobody knows the culprit. This isn't the last time it happens.

i dont know but they have my respect

Have you got the stapler peter

Hey, I'm the new guy. I just wanna say FUCK NIGGERS AND FUCK JANNIES

What time is lunch?

You don't work here no more

>Comes down from corporate meeting with the CEO
Guys, I've got some bad news, can yo-

Bill, I swear to god if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm telling HR about your child porn folder.

HEY. EVERYONE. SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'VE GOT SOME NEWS.

YEAH FUCK YOU NIGGERS

Fired by EOD.
Completely accurate.
Upstairs: "Get back to work and do your fucking job"
Have fun.
What does that even mean?
Yes.
I'm a conservative, and yes, this is accurate.
The kid who got fired.
Cops are called for joking about a gun.
People print stuff, dipshit.
no comment
Office autist identified.
Fired by EOD.

cont

You are busy watching YT videos and not working.
Fired by EOD.
Not fired. Not promoted, but you were already being paid more than everyone else.
Normal.
Whole office gets free counseling.
F I R E D. sexual harassment lawsuit.
You think nobody knows, but everyone does and doesn't like you enough to warn you that it's obvious. They all want you gone.
Yep.
*Fat guy sprints*
Being bored and actually working in an office.
Thank you.
"No, check with Mike on the third floor of E building"
Fired.
Whenever you want. Me and the guys from 2nd floor in B building usually go to applebees around 11:30.
Correct.
Bill, you're going to jail for a VERY long time.
Fired by EOD.

all caught up, I'm done.

Alright boys, It's time to get paid. Dubs get a paycheck and singles have to wait to next week.

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I need it, my rent is already overdue

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ALRIGHT, thank you, Tim, for getting everyone filled in.

Everybody, word is coming down from the top, and I figured I owe you all a heads up before they start culling the heard.

THEY'RE CLOSING THIS LOCATION DOWN AND LAYING EVERYONE OFF.

Who filled the break room toilet with Pringles and it's not even the good kind it's fucking ranch

Excuse you, Karen, you filthy slut, but ranch Pringles are god tier. Now get back to work while you still can.

Ranch Pringles taste like shit flakes
Now barbeque Pringles THOSE are god tier

Nobody asked you, Lewis.

Listen here Fergus I know for a fact that you blew Trevor in the janitors closet so shut the fuck up you gay piece of shit

So you're telling me you had a camera or some shit in there? Ohhhh fuck you dude, we're settling this after work.

Try me faggot we live in Russia