Found two of these fuckers in my bed. How fucked am I?

You're actually going to be fine, just try to get rid of them (which is difficult). Most houses do have small amounts of bed bugs and don't realise. The most common way of bringing these things into your home is by going to the cinema. Theatre seats tend to have bed bugs too.

I am a biologist and spent a few years studying bed bugs. They're essentially every where all the time, and unless you are absolutely crawling with them, you're in no significant risk of any sort. You said you found two so you're going to be absolutely fine. Some matresses I examined, I could barely see any of the matress in some patches and homeless people actually slept on those for years.

if you can find an exterminator that uses the Beauveria bassiana fungus treatment, you'll be fine.
otherwise, enjoy your new life of vacuuming everywhere everyday.
Consumer grade insecticides just make them angry and possibly drive them into other rooms., constant vacuuming will eventually crash the population to a non viable level, but it will take at least six months of obsessive cleaning.

lighter gas with a spray adapter sprayed into crevices is useful, it freezes these fuckers instantly, and their eggs too.
just try not to start a fire

Ask someone to stay over for a few nights, see what happens to them in that bed. It will be fun for all if you post pics

YOU CAN THANK ENVIRONMENTAL ASSHOLES FOR THIS SHIT!!! "Muh DDT's muh silent spring"!!! FUCK OFF, DDT is what kept these fuckers at bay for decades and we need to bring them back!!!FACT!!!

You're a bed bug aren't you? You no trick me you itchy bastard

One and you might be okay, two and you've got a guaranteed infestation.

My girl and i got these after a stay at a Disneyland hotel.
We washed out sheets daily, vacuumed the hell out of the entire mattress, box-spring and frame with a strong shop vac.

Then we bought a big bag of diatomaceous earth off amazon and spread that shit everywhere.

Continued the process for a month or so and they were gone for good.
They love to hide in sewn seams of sheets and the mattress itself on the underside.

If you live with others, make sure to check their beds too so you know if there is a outside source that will keep infesting you.

had these last yr, fucking nightmare. i still feel them crawling on me and have to check to make sure i dont see any more bugs. everytime i check i dread finding one, been a yr now.

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>theatre seats
My parents got them from a painter. Don't let those bastards in your house unless they bring brand new, in-the-bag drop cloths.

to me, fleas are worse.
with bedbugs if you catch them on your mattress and only on one mattress, chances are they are only on that one mattress
take it outside to sunbake in the hot sun or heat treat it professionally and it'll be good to go. They don't reproduce as fast as fleas, holy fuck.
Once your house is infested, fleas are a huge fucking bitch to get rid of.

>Disneyland hotel
As in actually run by Disney or one of the motels in Anaheim on Katella or Harbor?

says the bed bug

time to burn that midnight oil
youtube.com/watch?v=ejorQVy3m8E

well get an exterminator and that quick

This. Mother-in-law stayed with us for a couple weeks and brought those nasty fuckers with her. Kept waking up feeling something was crawling on me and started to see blood spots on my arm. Found these fuckers all over the bed and box spring.Got rid of everything and slept in spare bedroom. Felt something crawling in my ear. Had to get rid of that set also and vacuum 10 times. Most disgusting that's ever happen to me.

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I mean you can use it in the top of the bed. I have several times just make sure that you out a quality matress cover on it and do the same with the box spring but also a good suit steamer will help any extreme heat or extreme cold will do the trick if you don't have access to the property chemicals. I also do this for a living lol. I'm at terminix hbu

You're fine
Sleep tight

OP, there's a little known method to getting rid of these things for good. They are feeding on your blood, so the best way to kill them is to make your blood poisonous to them. Find the most potent pesticide you can and drink enough of it every night to make sure the pesticide makes up around 25% of your blood. That will be just enough to poison the bastards. Repeat every night until they're gone.

I had these a few years ago . Threw my whole bed out and cleaned the whole room and washed all my sheets or threw them out . They haven’t showed up since .

I never bring my bags in the house when I come back from a trip. If it's winter, I leave them in the car overnight to make sure the get below freezing for a few hours, then all clothes get sealed in a plastic bag to get brought in to wash. Summer, same thing, all day in a hot car. Spring and Fall, they don't come in until I can empty them and make sure there is nothing there.
t.bedbug survivor

Kek