I thought pursuing my passion would lead me to happiness, and I do feel happy when I do something that gets me closer to where I want to be, but there's a crippling loneliness that's catching up to me. Thoughts of my first love and how she's better off without me. Feelings of inadequacy in my field and in life as a whole.
tl;dr took time to study what I love, now I'm lonely as fuck.
What do?
Pic unrelated
What did you study?
Music Theory & Composition
Your first love? what? you break that shit off with her or something?
Vice versa. She was a best friend and long time crush of mine. Were together for quite a while. Then she left. Feelings faded on her end. They're definitely still there on my end tho. She's off with someone else now. Seemingly happy and doing well.
Life goes on what can you do? Go look up Jocko when he talks about relationship break ups, it's about 20 mins and by the end you'll understand. Smile through pain.
oh hey
you are me
shit sucks study 4 hours, read every fucking book you can find, practice 5 hours. spend countless hours writing and then rewriting music only to be told you should just fucking give use your bachelor's to get so worthless fucking office job make a shitty income and be miserable for the rest of your less
Once you realize you're under the spell of oxytocin, you will free your feelings.
How long ago was this? If at least a year its time for you to try and move on. The best way of doing that is bettering yourself and continue doing what interest you. Of course you'll second guess yourself and think "what could I have done to make things different?" but you can't change a thing and what's done is done. I broke it off with a girl that I was serious with, and for awhile I would have dreams about her randomly, and that shit would ruin my entire morning! But eventually over time things faded. Yea, I won't lie sometimes I'm fucking lonely, but when I do get like that I make it a habit to find time for myself to go out and doing something with friends and such. Being mentally fit is important and noticing you're in a rut is the first step to regaining a positive strength of mind.
rest of your life**
fuck I can't type when I'm mad
and the worst fucking part
When you finally write a piece of music that is actually cool and interesting you have to then deal with fucking lazy cocksuckers that absolutely butcher your music. Be it by ignoring clearly notated articulations, fucking up the dynamics or just simply by being out of fucking tune.
It's a lot harder in a band setting. Not everything will come out the way I want it since it has to go through 3 other filters. I had the office job and it killed all motivation to practice. I'd go weeks without touching the instrument and that fucking kills me. But I need money since I'm not really good enough to do it freelance yet. Or at least not good enough to it insanely well.
I tried to move on, but I kept going back to missing the connection my ex and I had. I haven't been able to find anything even close to that deep. Maybe I'm also just really picky.
It's the fucking worst. My parts get butchered or are played so fucking sloppily that it's almost unintelligible. But it's tough to tell a friend that they fucking suck and need to work to a click without sounding like an asshole or the guy from Whiplash.
I always recommend teaching private lessons, set your own hours and charge as much as you want(make them pay by the month)
I wrote this really cool violin part and the night of the concert the violinist utterly butchers this section as I am standing right next to her. It pained me after we finished the piece to say "good job"
the dude from whiplash is my hero
He certainly had a lot of philosophies that align with my own (nothing more dangerous than "good job" etc.), but there has to be a better way to implement them.
Also, quite the interesting instrumentation there. Would love to hear the full piece. Link?
thanks man, sadly no
my fucking music department was transitioning into a new music build that year and the recording arts section lost the goddamn hard drives for that entire semester. So not only did I lose this piece but also my senior recital.
Fuck dude, that hurts. F is being pressed to pay respects.
On the much smaller bright side tho, dubs: checked.
Maybe that’s why I’m still a bit sad about the whole loss of first love thing. Because I’ll never get a girl this hot probably in my lifetime and the thought of that kinda blows.
Free life advice: Always record your own shit no matter whoever else is too.
Also, dude what kind of music do you like to write? And who is your favorite theorist? Mine is Richard Cohn
For school I found myself gravitating towards serial works. The 12 tone system just kinda clicked for me more than conventional harmony. Nowadays, I’m just in a progressive metal band writing weird shit and trying to make it sound a bit more refined and like we know what we’re doing.
Favorite theorists is tough. Tymoczko wrote some cool shit on the geometry of music, and a guy named Pieszlak who wrote about Meshuggah’s use of hyper measures. The YouTube platform has also given rise to Adam Neely who I enjoy quite a bit. Cool shit all around.
Pieslak* bad typo on my part.
Cool shit dude, I always struggled personally writing out 12 tone rows.
I'd like to recommend to you
"Interaction, Improvisation, and Interplay in Jazz" it's a book my old professor and dear friend wrote. It's a really unique book in that the primary focus is in how an entire band creates and reacts to any given improvisation and the information can be applied to any style of music.
Not a fan of the youtube theorists personally, they are giving, information and resources we had to spend tens of thousands of dollars to gain access and knowledge of and they are giving that away for free