The most fucked up thing you’ve ever experienced, sexually, go

I Dp'ed a Tinder slut with a stranger we met at a club. Fucking hottest shit I've ever experienced. We really ruined that girl, I've never seen a woman so overwhelmed in my whole life.

funny enough her name was actually lucy

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Being an attractive enough man that I have been pursued by both of my daughters......

Some fruition has occurred and a big Rubicon crossing is planned with the oldest.

Atm, fisting, toothpaste blow job, public sex, getting a rimjobs, come to mind.

Seems like the trend is butt stuff, so I will add.

Had a girl who wanted to experiment, so I let her tie my hands and feet. She gives me this lap dance, then starts grinding my dick between her ass. Next thing I know she gives me this look, and says she just has to try. Then with my dick positioned right at her asshole, she farts across my tip. Over and over while she hotdogs me. I'm fighting back tears, and then she starts to blow me as an apology. I'm thinking it's over, but she fingers my ass and I blow. Doesn't end..
She rubs my jizz all over my dick and then slides my still oversensitive dick inside her ass. After what felt like forever in pain, she goes all deep, and then I feel it coming as she farts with my dick inside.

I came, but the pain and fear remained.

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fuck dude you need a hug

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I was 28. I was on Tinder and it's pretty active in my area. Especially then. I'm not a bad looking guy and I have a job that draws women in.

So my friends dare me to set up as many dates as I can on the same day. Tally how many times I have sex.

I make 33 dates on a Sunday. First one was at 8am. Took her to church. Fucked in the parking lot. Dropped her off, and drove to a coffee shop and met the next one. Sex in the bathroom. Went to the brunch place next door. Struck out. Went back to the coffee shop. Blow job in the car.

This goes on. I stayed within a block of the coffee shop. 12 successes and 6 failures.

I move to my place. 6 more. All successes. Then I go outside for a break. My long time friend of YEARS comes out. I've been low key in love with her since college. I've ways dreamed of being a decent enough man and starting a family with her. Shes so pure. But she got married. Moved into the apartments across from mine. Less and less contact.

She walks over and just hugs me. Weeps a little. Shes filing for divorce. He had an affair. We sit on the steps just talking about our lives. I realize shes leaning on me. Holy shit. She just got a divorce and has come over to me... this is it!

Aaaand a girl comes over. I had totally forgot. I was so overwhelmed with the news and just spending time with her. I stuttered and said I needed to cancel. She made a scene. Leaves. I spend half an hour apologizing and making up how she was someone I'd just met. Then another shows up. Early. I stutter again. And my friend gets up and goes home disgusted.

Moral of the story... dont be a Chad.

tldr

Probably the boner I got when a 16 y.o smiled at me. I'm almost 30.

kekd

Dp?

Double penetration im guessing

That shit got me on a weird kink. You know those guys who jack off on public transportation?

I did it 3 times on a train. They were probably 15-18. The redhead liked to watch, tho. Smiled at me.

I jerked off at every family members house, every school, a couple of stores, and outdoors. How fucked is that?

Close friend of mine invited a girl over one night. We were all drunk. He gets her naked. I go to leave and she invites me to join. He nods his head. 3 some ensues.

I end up on bottom, fucking her ass. Hes on top of her. He pulls out to blow his load and got it all over my balls and asshole.

She licked it all off. Grossed me out. I couldn't get hard again.

Friendship has been on ice for years. Cant look him in the eye.

Yeah, basically we both fucked her at the same time. She was riding me softly on the Hotel room couch and the guy hugged her from behind and fucked her ass. Guys I cannot tell you how hot that shit was. This slut was broken. She's the cutesey type, which made it even more erotic and dark.

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This

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What do you mean with broken?

me and gf banging, as per usual.
halfway through not really feeling it, just kinda let her do whatever
she takes off condom and starts fucking raw without letting me know. (she has birth control implant, plan b, etc;)
tell her to stop and she doesn't, starts tickling my asshole
at this point trying to push her off, but she's keeping an iron grip
i end up busting a nut inside, she takes plan b
texted me how she was sorry that she did stuff without consent.

and that's the story of how my gf raped me lol

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Oh man, like, its nothing like when you see that shit in porn. The chick immediately went stiff, digging her head in her shoulders, frowning and making this strange, overwhelmed face mix of pain, disgust and pleasure. She couldn't even moan but made these high pitched adorable yelps. And I could feel the guy's dick inside her through her perineum. It was really hardcore.

Op here,
Be me 20 years old, first time going to the strip club in my area, excited af. I take adderall 50 mg a day, I took both my daily doses, snorted 3 before getting there and 1 in the car before walking in. Get a private dance from this girl who was my soon to be my gf. Takes me in the dance room, I finger her, she blows me whatever. Can’t get it up cause of all the adderall, so I set up a date with this girl a week later, meet up and fuck her no big deal. We dated for 2 weeks then she broke up with me, we keep talking for months. The very last time I went to her house to fuck her, we’re fucking in her bed and her 2 year old son without a father figure sleeps with her nightly. While I’m fucking her she starts moaning, and this little devil spawn asks her, mommy are you okay? Meanwhile we’re spoon fucking, facing her child laying in her bed. I respond to him with, oh don’t worry, she’s better than okay. Then I continue to fuck her in front of her 2 year old son. The end

This is the worse piece of fan fiction I've ever read. Fuck now I'm pissed you wasted two minutes of my life.

Awesome. Sounds like John, a guy I know who did the exact shit with a stripper, except he used yayo

This is a true story my dude

Fuck that sounds hot. How did it all start? How's the slut?

She told me later that I came off as a way cooler guy than I actually was, not sure if that’s an insult or not coming from someone who dances on dicks for a living lol

This was happened to my close friend, except his girl for casual encounters wasn't a stripper

She's a cute petite chick, pale with green eyes. Not the hottest most luscious girl but very cute, which at least to me, made something so hardcore even more fucked up and hot.

If there's interest I miiight.. .might share a pic.

It all started at the club. We were both kind of tipsy and horny and this guy was really checking her out. She was all giggly and shit and I asked if she liked him and she said yes. So we invited him over to our box and hit if off.

Two Girls One Cup

tore a girls frenulum and ruptured her salivary gland while fucking her mouth.

done plenty of stuff that is objectively more fucked up but that is the one that scared me most. nothing like a trip to emergency where she's crying, struggling to talk and cant stop slavering a mix of blood and spit down her front to make you wonder about your choices in life.

oh, also one time a girl nearly choked herself to death after I showed her some basic rope work and then left her playing around with it while I showered. I left her for five fucking minutes.

So do you just straight up ask to fuck and they're usually keen? Any type of girl that's usually like this or is it random? Tinder is active as fuck where I am but most just ghost when I suggest meeting up. Im 27 and all ive had are long term relationships I just wanna slut it up while I still can while I'm relatively young

My stepdad, drunk telling me to pull down my pants to see my dick. I was scared so he did, and he started laughing at it.

How the fuck can that happen? I've not even seen something like that in porn

Destroying a salivary glands is impossible. You have to cut the flesh below the tongue. This is ridiculous.

the frenulum? It was a pretty rough mouth fucking, and I guess she pushed her tongue up weirdly so I basically pistoned it straight to the back of her mouth.

yeah, it literally tore open. She healed up fine (they didn't even give her stitches) but for a few days she was salivating uncontrollably.

We were always that rough and it had never happened before. no idea how common it is.

Was she resented with you?

Did you not think to move after the first one?

she didn't hold it against me but it slowed down the sex life fro a while.

You still with her?

I've fucked a 9 year old girl and her pussy smelled like strawberries

nope. this was about 8 years ago. relationship ended years after this event for unrelated reasons.

I still see a lot of win in this thread

Ill post my worst experiences

>single at the time.
>horny & drunk
>go to red light district
>awww yiss 9/10 mail order bride
>she convinces me that I should try some experimenting
>keep vanilla sex for when you have a girlfriend
>I agree
>start blowjob sequence
>suddenly she starts lubing up 2 fingers
>try b4 I die mode
>she puts them up my butt and just starts fingerbanging my precious brown little stank eye
>did not like one bit
>switched to vanilla doggy
>loose as Fuck
>feelsbadman.jpg
>cum n leave
>go home and rethink life

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Sucked my brother off 3 times when we were drunk, guess I'm bi, love trannies now, AMA

And another one

>start chatting with a girl on MySpace
>weird angle in every photo.
>didn't think any of it
>decide to meet up
>waiting at train station to pick her up.
>receive text "eta 4m"
>belly feels weird
>prolly just a fart
>engage gas release program
>shit myself.
>goddamit wtf it's everywhere
>Sprint to macdo toilets
>clean myself a bit
>catapulted my shit stained underpants into next stall
>head back to station
>"I'm here user"
>only one I see is a morbidly obese hambeast.
>I shit myself for this
>fuck it, be gentlemen bout it
>show good time, even bit flirty
>she's just not feeling it
>goes back home.
>so do I, without underpants and selfrespect.

Few years later.
A radio show was giving away tickets to the worst first date story.
Got to see kanye west because I shat myself

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my first sexual experience consisted of the girl I like violently shoving things up my ass. Was made fun of for the rest of high school for being raped.

>Be in highschool
>Already sexually experienced
>Start dating virgin
>Take her home and fuck her after a month of trying to bed her
>Finally got her in a 69 before the actual fucking
>Eating her out
>Realize she didn't wipe her ass right
>Can clearly see brown smeared around her asshole
>Nut up, keep eating and just try to avoid her butthole
>Going good for a while
>She suddenly makes a sharp motion
>Tongue goes strait into her asshole
>Taste her shit all around my tongue and mouth
>Can smell shit on my breath
>Keep tough, it's been a while since my last lay and I am on my last year of highschool, not sure when my next will be
>Move from 69 to fucking to avoid any further smell
>It's on my breath
>can still taste it and smell it
>cum fast so I can take her home and clean up
>don't want to embarrass her so I keep as cool as I can.
>Cum
>she still wants to make out with me
>fuck it
>pull away from face and see brown rings of my lips on her
>HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT SMELL OR TASTE THIS?! I think to myself
>get her ass going to go home
>on drive she still kisses me more with her shit lips
>Trying desperately not to gag
>Finally get her home
>She leaves my car
>Kisses me goodbye
>Gag as soon as she turns around
>Rush to nearby gas station for something to wash this down while I drive home
>Figure a spicy burrito will help neutralize the taste
>Makes it worse
>Now have spicy shit breath
>20 minute drive home trying not to puke in my car
>Finally get home and wash mouth out
>Scared to go down on a girl for several years after.

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Girlfriend turned out to be an SJW piece of trash, was abusive and pulled the gender card whenever it came to sex or arguments.

She would go out her way to talk to men, flirt in texts, and talk to ex’s from her past but could never ever socially interact with a guy irl because she’s socially awkward.

She required validation from other people and when I told her to stop it, she would say “you’re male and Idk how you are with people” a year and a half into our relationship.

I stated that at this point she’s validating her behaviour through her generalised perception of men, and by her logic she’s acting like a man by doing what she’s scared that I might do.

She started playing the gender card, hitting me and said that I disrespected her right to talk to ex’s/express her sexuality with other men.

Delluded to say the least, therefore I got up and packed my things. I never thought of cheating before, told her sister about it via text and her sister let me stay the night.

Her sister is a carbon copy of her without the SJW personality. After explaining everything about her cucky attitude, me and her sister fucked and sent snaps to my gf, declaring that this is what she was doing to me and it’s what she wanted.

She bust into tears and left voicemails to her sisters phone screaming and balling telling me to pick up the phone.

Considering she fucked me over so many times with guys and would never see my view but blame my gender for her insecurities, I could feel nothing but satisfaction while listening to her cries on the voicemail as I was balls deep in her sister and able to get my own back and it made me cum the hardest i’ve ever came before.

I am now engaged to that said sister and ex gf is dating a black guy, in an abusive relationship and lives in the most ghetto parts of town. It’s funny though because she came from a well off family.

Her parents disowned her, so they didn’t give a fuck at the facf I plowed her sister.

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Must been a lot of shit for that kind of experience. It happened to me too in a similar way but it wasn't that bad.

First real sexual experience was a fmm threesome-ish

>Halloween, be 13 at the time
>girl I'm currently crushing on and a mate decide to go trick or treating
>not really traditional here
>get fuckton of cash instead of candy
>buy multiple bottles of booze
>drank them all
>first time wasted as fun

We all head over to my place cuz home alone.
There was a spare bed next to mine
And now it starts
>stumble into bed and pass out instantaneously
>wake up to kissing sounds
>girl I'm crushing on is making out in the bed next to me
>decided I want in on that action
>crawl next to her vagina
>they told me not to
>"imma lick your pussaay"
>I feel big for doing so
>she commands me to just grab a titty and want myself to sleep
>I do so

A while later I wake up again but this time I need to puke. Barely make it to the toilet. Chunks everywhere.
Fell asleep on the loo.
Next morning they are gone. A little while later I get some text messages.

>"sup user, I told you not to eat my pussy because I was having my period pretty badly"
>I beg her not to tell anyone
>she does

This is how I got my nickname
Sampax

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>catapulted my shit stained underpants into next stall
are you in rochester ny?

>has bc implant
Literally as effective as having her tubes tied
>wear condom
>takes plan B

Wtf are you 14? Stupid as shit

>be me
>be 11 yo at the time
>finally find penis
>watch porns or something as the other kids called it
>grab my stuffed teddy bear I slept with when I was a kid
>his name mr snuggles
>stare at me snuggles for a moment
>”you have served me greatly old friend”
>see youtube titties on old 21 inch monitor
>get diamonds
>accidentally fall on mr snuggles
>begin to hump
>animal instincts takes over
>fuck mr snuggles so hard
>splooge mayonaise all over mr snuggles newly torn butthole
>legs too dead to care and eyes are demonic
>continue to fuck mr snuggled every night in guilt
>eventually get bored of me snuggles and move to real pussy at 14
>give mr snuggles to my dog
>what happened to the teddys ass user?
>blame the dog

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>Sampax
legit the funniest shit i've read on Yea Forums in years

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ya'll niggers ever heard of natural lamb condoms?
i got called lamb chop by a bunch of friends for years.

They're supposed to be for people who are allergic to latex. One of my friend uses them on his girl.

Thanks for the nickname idea

More info on this one?

I went to a large group sex party with a heavy BDSM focus. I saw a guy acting as a bottom get fucked pretty hard in the ass. I didn't think I was homophobic but it disgusted me.

>She's a cute petite chick, pale with green eyes.
user you still there? Hell yeah I want to see the bitch that got destroyed by two cocks at the same time. Did she cum? Did she kiss both of you?

Nah bra euro fag right here

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Another one

>6 years ago me and my girlfriend were on bad terms
>almost sexless relationship
>we go to homeparty
>she leaves early
>engage cocaine craving mode cuz getting drunk
>snort a lot of blow
>get extremely horny
>not the first time I cheated on her with hookers, cuz no sex makes me go mad unga bunga
>leave party without telling anyone
>go to 9/10 ebony princess
>great sex
>after this I check on my phone
>8missed calls, 16 texts
>gf n friends all asking where the fuk are you
>engage super thinking
>pick up phone when she calls again
>omg sorry bae I passed out on a bench on the walk home
>just hurry home sampax
>on my way over, I get struck by a lightning strike of pure genius
>piss myself a little
>I came home and told here I was so shitfaced I fell asleep and pissed myself
>she believes me awww years
>then I ate her out and Fucked her
>can't believe she didn't smell the condom scent on my dick

You gotta add something embarrassing to make a lie really work

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Stfu, it's probably fake anyway

semi related story then
>my asshole brother was shitting in a mcds bathroom
>fat little faggot flipped inside out after 2 milkshakes and 40 nuggies every god damn time
>grunting like a retarded monkey
>shit smeared boxers fly over the stall divider and land on his fat fucking head
>he screams
>guy in other stall, who somehow didn't hear the dead lifter style grunts, panics and bolts
>guy drips on his pants on the way out and his shit covered ass smacks the floor right in front of brother's stall
kinda hoping it was you

Interest initiated

Topkek.

But it wasnt me.

I bet you 'forgot' to say no homo. Faggot

Another one.
14ish

>friend asks me to hang at his stepdad sisters place in a somewhat rural place.
>sure
>his "aunt" doesn't care that we smoke weed and drink beer
>aunt has 2 daughters 5/10 both, early teens.
>we all get smashed
>aunt whips out an adult boardgame for us to play
>she just watches as we make out with her daughter.
>inexperienced with booze I start to pass out in sofa under blanket.
>start playing with my dick under the blanket
>playing evolved into full on masturbation.
>takes a while to cum cuz whiskey dick
>blow my load all over the blanket
>suddenly I realize I'm still in the living room.
>every one watched me cum, including her 2 teenage daughters.
>weirdest vibe ever.
>acquire new Nick name.
>lil stain

Mfw people called me sampax or lil stain

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most people have to fight for a single nickname.
you've lead a charmed life, my friend.

Fell for the sissy hypno shit when I had a gf and ended up begging her to fuck a black man while I watched and I did exactly that

I'm making you in to a goddam t shirt

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does she have mind control powers?

Awesome if true.

My ex gf and i used to be in love and we would have nice slow intense sex all the time since we were virgins and not pornstars. And than one days I fucked her and she got all intense and got on top and started riding me really like a wild animal and I was so taken aback because I never saw this side of her, and was really turned off for some reason. Nothing was the same after that..

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Hahahahaha topkek
Ill have my lawyer contact you to setup a royalty contract. If your gonna exploit my shame I at least want some bucks for doing so ^^

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Awesome Neo-con fantasy dude. You will be awarded with a Yellow vest and an autographed nude picture of Milo.

how was it watching your gf getting fucked by a black guy

this is actually depressing

You have to be 18 to post here

This wins the award for most gay post of the thread.

dumbass becomes a pimp and the pimp life denies him the girl he's been waiting to ask out for years.

Do you want to be a comedian? You're trying too hard man.

Can't decide whether stupid or genius

Lol youre brain damaged

>Sampax
Ded

I did that to my exbf. He liked it he said.

Happened with my current gf

>second date
>we got kinda tipsy at the restaurant
>but really drunk at the bar later
>get invited to her studio
>awww yiss getting sum
>we make out hard
>tear of her clothes as excited as a tard in ball pit
>it's been awhile
>try to stick my little cowboy in her love cavern
>the fuk is wrong with this vagina
>gates are closed
>I look up and she's looking a bit upset and confused
>"what's wrong, did I hurt you?"
>I panic really hard
>"it's easier if you take of my underpants
>never felt like such a virgin in my life
>not even when I was an actual virgin
>we laughed for 20minutes straight
>did had sex after this

I love this girl so much, 2years later we still act like we just fell in love. The support she gives me in everything I do is unreal. Never felt so free to explore kinks and fantasies as I do now

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i was going to kill some one at work at i jacked off in the bathroom and felt alot better afterwards

>explore kinks and fantasies
100% fag

Lmfao

you sonuva bitch

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Yeah, that's definitely an insult, aspie

wait a god damn minute
are these all one guy?!

I was dating a girl for a while and we start experimenting with her asshole. In the back seat of her suv in my parents driveway, foolig around. shes drunk and starts sucking my dick. i reach around and start playing with her pussy. i end up putting some spit on my fingers and smear it on her brown eye. fingering the shit out of it and shes loving it. i start to feel something weird inside, pull my finger out, mini turd nugget stuck to my finger. i roll the window down and fling it outside. we make eye contact and she just gets on all 4s in front of me and i take her to pound town. slipped the fingers back in the ass cause why not, already dirty.

Greentext?

Well it did happen tho. But instead of calling me out in trying to write it down in a amusing way, share a story of yours?

I was in the hospital with a broken leg about 5 years ago. Since I was old and fat I was put on a regimen of walking with crutches pretty early on. I would shuffle myself across a hall to the bathroom fairly often because tv hey have blood thinners and diuretics to reduce the chance of a blood clot at the site of the break. I set this up so you will understand how I came to be where I was when I saw this. There was a father of 2 in the next room. I would see his daughters walk by a bunch and his door was always closed when I walked by. One night, at about six, I walked by and the door was open. He hadn't noticed for whatever reason and his oldest daughter was sitting on his bed, with her hands under the blanket, making fapping motions near his groinal area. The younger girl was laying down beside the guy, and he was patting her ass inside her panties, which was all she was wearing. I trundled down the hall and asked a nurse to check in without knocking, and told her why. I went off to another bathroom down the hall to pee and came back to three nurses talking to the girls in an empty room, 5 orderlies strapping the guy to the bed, and 2 cops walking through the ward doors with hospital security leading them. The nurse pointed me out to the cops and one followed me into my room. After 20 questions the cop left and the nurse came in. Yes, I did see what I thought I saw. The mother had been contacted but sounded drunk, so children's services was coming. The guy was going to be transferred to the secure wing, so I didn't have to see him ever again, or till the trial. She couldn't tell me exactly what he was doing in the one girl's panties, but she would need medical attention. The bastard was wheeled away about an hour later, right as I started down the hall to pee again. He accused me of ratting him out so I could fuck his kids. I politely asked if I could give him a momento in the form of a scab where his dick used to be. I was told it was against policy. Pity that.

I did try gay stuff in my teens,but it just confirmed my hetero orientation

Currently just getting into rope bondage and orgasm torture. Hitachi wand is something magical

Yeah, the kid wants to be a stand-up comedian when he grows up. He thinks he's funny.

Interested. I want to see a pic of the whore

the legend of Sampax is fucking hilarious
you sound like a moron

Yes, I still have one green text waiting.
That's like all my "bad" experiences I could think of.

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And you sound like you're samefagging. Fuck off kid, you've seen too many Jude Apatow movies and you think you can be funny too. But you're not funny for shit.

post tits

ooooolalalaaaaaa how old were theyyyy

I don’t know if fucked up but when I was 18 I started dating a 16 year old. Finally lost my virginity and everything. Sexually I was obviously a novice. About six months into it, she just up and fingered my asshole while giving me a handjob. Was awesome. Not the most extreme thing obviously but pretty advanced for 18 and 16 year old.

Probably the most fucked up thing I’ve experienced was when I was dating this girl in graduate school. She was in love with me, and I didn’t care about her. No tits, plain ass look. Was in great shape though. Anyway, I quickly realized I owned this girl. I started escalating things sexually like ass to mouth and pissing all over her. We’d go out to the bars and I’d get my bladder full and just unload on her. Tits, face, hair, mouth.

Finally I told her I wanted to take a fat shit on her. To her limited credit, she didn’t immediately agree to this. But when she found out I was likely ending things, she told me she’d let me shit on her. I told her it had to be on her face and she begrudgingly agreed. I then laughed at her and told her I couldn’t be with a girl who didn’t have self respect. Dumped her. Was already dating another chick anyway.

I kinda miss tiny tits though. Having a completely subservient bitch is pretty nice.

>the legend of Sampax
ffs. Are you also one of those crazies who refers to himself in third person?

you're not funny

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>Be me 10 years ago
>Dry spell, so running the numbers through OKC
>A few dates but none end up going anywhere
>Get positive, actually heavily suggestive convo going with what appears to be 6/10 blonde
>Fuck it, why not
>'I have a little back trouble, but that shouldn't be a problem'
>OK
>Get to bar to meet up
>Full fucking blown scoliosis, spine like a question mark, ass a clear 12 inches away from where her head stops at the back
>Oh fuck, abort abort
>Thing is, I've had pre-drinks and already half cut, she's feeding me seriously flirtations lines, and fuck it I'm horny
>Cut to: back at her place. 'I shaved especially'
>She could only reach the front, underneath was still hairy, like a fucked up goat image
>To my eternal shame, I carried on. Though the combination of alcohol and disgust (for us both) meant I was nowhere close to cumming.
>She end up blowing me while I screw my eyes shut and think of literally anything else erotic.
>Manage a weak, token spaff, and pass out.
>Wake up at the crack of dawn, hungover, self-loathing and by some divine intervention not spewing all over the place
>Make my excuses and get the fuck out of Dodge
>Avoid texts for a week, and eventually say something like 'It's not gonna work', to get her off my back
>Still texted my brother though to say 'I fucked a disabled chick', cos WTFN

I'm nauseous even recollecting this. Any future dry spells, my advice is to just have a wank and think about something else.

Not a comedian actually. I do improv tho

finish your shit so I can go to bed

So, besides wanting ot be a comedian you have a vpn and two browser sessions? Oh wow. Now you're funny.

This is fiction.

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I'm sure you love to improve when you suck dick.

>getting mad at funny OC, true or not
wtf happened to Yea Forums

That’s why you should have broken the friendship off right when he invited you for a threesome, faggot.

Most of this shit is lame fiction. Only ones that seem remotely true are the story of the slut in the DP and the one where the slut got her mouth destroyed by dick.

>first gf ever
>been fooling around
>everything except fucking cuz waiting for right moment
>we go to a festival together
>dance & drink all day
>suggest we go watch a movie at my place
>we dump her friends and go home
>I put on the Bruce almighty DVD
>really enjoy this movie
>things get hot
>finally put p into v
>heaven opens up, evolve from boy to man
>now comes the scene
>Jim Carrey takes over control of the anchormans voice
>engage hysterical laughter
>she doesn't like this movie
>takes bout 5 minutes for me to regain control of gigglin
>takes ages to cum because nerves
>do cum
>stay together for next year

She was awesome. She's still in my top 4 of best sex.
But everytime I see this gif it makes me weirdly horny

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It's not funny. That's the point man.

the go start another tik tok thread faggot

that one was weak but the rest are gold

>I could feel the guy’s dick inside her through her perineum

Nigga, u gay.

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Storytime

No, that ain't me.

I really had a rough time throughout high school thanks to that nickname

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I fucked a chick from Greenland (they are super rare) in a threesome with my mate. My mate and I were both on mushrooms

It's better you accept the truth man. Your jokes are not good. They come off as idiotic, creepy and childish. You try too hard and that is why you fail.

Also... they're mediocre retellings of famous green text and TIFU's posts on Reddit. So no, you're neither funny or intelligent at all.

Do you think nobody would notice newfag?

again, different guy, faggot

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Once, but never again

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Checked, but all of this shit is fiction. If the DP slut story was true, faggot user would have posted a pic

>amous green text and TIFU's posts on Reddit
Post literally any proof

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I want to see the slut too. :(

Was she hot? Like Bjork?

and now i have a new fetish

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That's what I still had saved on my phone for easy greentexting.

I just remembered another story but still have to put it in greentext. Also my lunchbreak is just starting.

Fuck no please stop. You're rubbish.

No one cares, nigger

When I was 20 I functioned as a tutor for some of the freshmen at my school (age 16-17 i think). One night i was out drinking and I met one of the girls from the class i was tutoring (qt14 young blonde). She ended up calling her older brother to come pick us up, and i ended up in her bed at her parents house.

>"user im a virgin"
>"lol ok, u sure you wanna do this?"
>"yes"

That older brother must have hated me

Actually, I agree with madfag. You suck user. It's pathetic.

You're an asshole user
And quite a brilliant one at it hahaha

>posts nothing
>complains
slow day on faggots?

She looks like Bjork merged with a native american

condom or no?

That sounds weird as f...

I dont remember... but I guess I used a condom

>weak, token spaff
kek

how don't you remember?
what was she like?

She is pretty hot. Imagine having sex with a water bender from avatar

Nah, you just suck dude. Really. have you ever heard of the saying... "people are not laughing with you, they're laughing at you"?

Well, you're so bad anons here are not even laughing with you anymore. You're just annoying the shit out of everybody here.

pic?

This was 7 years ago and i was super drunk and high. However, i clearly remember her small tits and amazing ass. She was this kind of shy but dirty girl

Funny fag comes off as those annoying little bro guys who always want to please people around them and try too hard to be the center of social interaction. A retard buffoon if you will. Kek. Something tells me you're an ugly Paki.

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Kek. Of the real girl not the cartoon.

Are you a paki?

she take it well? deep?

>She's a cute petite chick, pale with green eyes. Not the hottest most luscious girl but very cute

I'm very interested.

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Two can play at that game you know?

>it takes him 2mins to read a few lines
Dude maybe you are retarded

then how about you hide the posts you don't like and stop whining like a bitch

fuck off, stop being annoying and spamming

Me too

I second this. Both of you guys fuck off. You've ruined my boner.

samefag

I'm not paki. But I really hate Indian people so we got in common

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Stories like this make me say that I will never let a girl do things to me when I have no control either I am drunk or just roped

My exgf rode my face in a public park. We were both 17. kinda wish i ate her ass

why?

DP story user are you here? FUCKING DELIVER those pics you fag, there IS INTEREST. I want to jerk to the slut in your story in the bathroom while my pathetic coworkers answer calls and earn they paychecks like submissive little ants.

Girl that wanted to date me invited me over to drink. We eventually got super drunk and she started to get really flirty and clearly wanted dick. We were both sitting on the sofa in her living room, I wasn't all that interested in relationships. Have told her before I didnt really want to get in one, or bone. But with me being extremely drunk at the time, I decided I'd give it a shot. This doesn't sound all that bad, but she had a dog that had cancer. The dog did nothing but stare, it stated at me during the entire time, I asked her to head into the bedroom but she told me she just told me no and that she wanted it now. I couldn't even finish, the look of that dog's dead eyes were a loner killer. Eventually afterwards she fell asleep and I bolted it out after sobering slightly in the morning and realizing what I'd done. She ended up blocking me on Facebook and her dog died a few weeks later.

2 things. 1) Pakis are not indians. 2) I don't hate Hundus, only you.

Why did she block you? Because you're a lousy lay?

Last one

>got dumped by gf
>the one I cheated on
>gotta move back in with my dad
>rarely see each other cuz I never leave my room
>one night I go out
>get absolutely shit faced
>I go back home
>too stubborn to go to sleep
>decide to watch some telly
>something on tv triggers me
>time for a wank I guess
>pass out
>wake up in the afternoon
>still in sofa, dick still out and cum all over my pubes and hand
>look at time, it's 1pm
>dad left for work around 8am
>we lived in a rather tiny apartment
>no way he could avoid going through the living
>definitely saw his 25y old son cumstained and passed out in the sofa

We never talked about it. Moved out few weeks later

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She blocked me because I told her I never would of fucked her if I was sober, she took it as I thought she was disgusting, but I meant it as I wouldn't do it to hurt her feelings because I didn't want to date her.

>Last one
Thank god.

Bummer. Did you ever explain it to her?

have you genuinely been lurking this thread just to berate this guy you fucking neckbeard

Boi

Not knowing the political tensions in that area.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/India–Pakistan_relations

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Lmao no, haven't spoken to her in like.. 3 years. Had one of her white knights add me and call me disgusting, ect tho.

My ex gf always wanted me to choke her and slap her etc, but it's not in my nature to hurt anyone least of all somebody I love so I felt inadequate and confused a lot of the time when we were intimate. I guess people would probably call me a pussy or a faggot or whatever but honestly I used to cry a lot either because I hurt her and it felt wrong or because I didn't hurt her enough and I felt impotent. I'm sure there are worse things but that was really sad for me.

Ur very link explains Pakis and Hindus are not the same. Are you retarded?

> India emerged as a secular nation with a Hindu majority population and a large Muslim minority, while Pakistan emerged also as a secular nation with a Muslim majority population and a large Hindu minority;

That's why there's a conflict jack ass, because they're NOT THE SAME.

oh boo fucking hoo just beat the bitch, who fucking cares if she's your ex now

Yes I'm here. Idk if I should post her tho.

>have you genuinely been lurking this thread just to berate this guy

Yep.

A stranger that came on my face when I fell asleep sunbathing on a poorly visited spanish beach. At first I thought a bird shat on me.

it looked edible.

What? It's not a current thing that's happening.

You should

no, i mean why did you do that in public

Jfc, this phone is fucking senile

youtu.be/UppyPzIb5Y8
.

Cmon boiz stop posting this annoying crap
only coolstories

I also said they don't like each other. That was my whole point. I also don't like indian/hindu people so we got that in common djeez louise

But instead of arguing over 3rd world countries, why don't you just share a story muh friend. Or are you lurking every thread to start arguments so you can brag to your mother upstairs that you pointed out someone's faulty logic or statement.

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fetal alcoholism posterchild

that fucking headshape. man

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Yeah she was loving me being a tutor and all (authority). So she did whatever i told her to

Who dis?

Gf gave me a blowjob when I was on LSD and let me tell you you have never orgasmed before only shot your load. It felt like my dick exploded, It whent on for like 5 seconds and I shot the amount equal to 4 loads at once.

Fuck toy made her cuck husband lick her shit from my cock.

hot

she didn't cry or anything? even with her being a virgin and tight at that age and you older/bigger?

no crying at all. i remember that she didnt do much during sex, so it must have been kind of awkward

lol impressive. yeah i can believe it. no foreplay? you go rough or gentle or what?

you're trash man

i think i just went for it... i was younger and less experienced AND i was shitfaced so i didnt do much thinking. But it was one of those fucks that you remember for a long time and jerk off to in the shower once in a while

i'm in a similar position. i get it user.

Pls tell me someone sved it. Repost it for the love of god. I missed it

The slut was hot. I jerked to her imagining the DP but didn't get to save. Sorry :(

Fuuuck terrible night

Who would've imagined the fucking wimp was going to delete it.

I jerked too imagining the faces she made when having botch cunt and fanny filled up. I don't think she was hot, her forehead was a bit too big, but she was definitively cute. Gorgeous green eyes.

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She sounds amazing!

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That means you raped her.

Lmao

Don't you just hate it
youtu.be/YzLVchUDo4g

greentext
ages?

Fucked a 13 year old girl when I was 14. Blood everywhere.

>the amount of cum that i shot out after my first sex
>witness squirting from sex

green plz

Interest. You may post

Let us all pay our respecks to user.
RIP my sensibilities

>mfw I’ve never had a girl want to fart on the tip.
>not that id ever get the chance since its been years since my last only fuck

Good luck dealing with the trauma user. Will forever haunt ur dreams

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guy in vegas helped me score a woman for the first time in my month by being my wing.

he required payment, as he hadn't gotten off in a while. we didn't fuck, as he got me to give him a hj. however, he also got me off which made me feel awk for the next few days...

>Freshman in college
>At home one weekend, fucking my crazy but hot girlfriend from behind
>Don't hear my dad come home
>He heard her gasping and came to investigate
>He opens the door and I'm balls deep
>He says "oh, shit, sorry" and starts to close the door
>Girlfriend says "wait, I'm about to cum, want to watch?"
>Dad freezes, not sure what do do
>She arches her back and cums hard
>I blow an enormous load in her
>She says "mmm, thanks pop"
>Dad gives me a slight grin and closes the door

We dated for another two years before we broke up. Girl was an utter freak. Dad still ribs me about it two decades later but hasn't told my wife.

Whats ur race and height user?
Less curious but what is this “job” you speak of that attracts le wimmenz?

Most frightening was fisting a girl and she haemorrhaged. Blood pissing out her cunt. Bed ruined.

When I and my twin brother were infants our older brother came into to our room with his friend that was sleeping over. He fisted both our assholes to the wrist and then proceeded to dance around the room wearing my brother and I like gloves and fist pumping the air while we flopped around. His friend took pictures, when I was 12 my brother showed us the pictures. All those years we thought we'd both inherited weak ass sphincters because we both had problems shitting ourselves in class, but then we learned the truth

Jesus Christ

what the actual fuck

did you tell your parrents?

I lost already

>not even ylyl bread

Our parents died in a freak windmill accident the year before, he became our legal guardian.

fuuuuuuck

you should have invited about 100 HIV+ men to rape his anus

mhm
yeah
oh of course
sure
totally
yep, yah
right definitely
sure
mhm

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Girlfriend's parents went out of town so of course I went to spend the night. After we had sex and went to sleep I snuck out of her room and got on their computer. Her mom was hot and figured dad had nudes on there somewhere. After a little searching I actually found them and emailed them to myself! Before I logged out I got the idea to go up a folder and look around, and I found a folder that had all my girlfriend's nudes that she had sent me, and some she hadn't. There were also pictures of her sucking a dick, and then sitting on that same dick (no face shots for the dude). That's when I realized the man in the picture was middle-aged, and they were sitting in the same chair I was sitting in, her dad's office chair. She was having sex with her dad, and appeared to enjoy it. I never talked to her, or anyone else, about it.

fake

Yeah, because I stand to gain a lot by making shit up on the internet.

Believe whatever you like, man. Doesn't change shit for me.

same age in the vids as the girl sleeping in the bed? Or younger gf?

I'm enjoying your stories, user. Fuck the haters

the guilt of cp irl

She was 16 that night I was over, she was 14 to 15 in the photos with her dad.

Was going back and forth between fucking my ex’s pussy and asshole. She was really into anal and had been dp-ed by two other dudes I knew. I’m going balls deep in both holes (in the missionary position). I pull out her ass and a loud fart just rips out. Right into my face and I look up at her...we lock eyes...I jam my cock back into her asshole. Smelt bad. But you just gotta thug it out sometimes

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How does it feel to know your dick is forever tainted? Does it burn? Did you ever imagine your dick, your lifelong friend to the end, offered up in sacrifice?

You did this to yourself. Never let a bitch experiment.

I'm saving this, and one day a comic will be made celebrating your poor decision.

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Pics?

Funny you posted that because I was thinking about a similar story. There are a couple of others that might beat (heh) this one, but they are more gross than fucked up.
be 17
Was at a party
Meet a 7/10 girl from out of town friend of girl having party
get massively drunk
get down to fucking
she wants me to hit her in the face
I refuse
she wants me to choke her
refuse again
bust nut
leave party

I don't get off on hitting chicks whether they are asking for it or they are asking for it. With the way the law is, only a fool would do that shit.

You sir are a some kind of genius, ya idiot.
>gotta take a small hit to land a win

Nice larp faggot

Getting a blowjob while taking a shit and cumming at the same time. Worst feeling ever.

Whiny faggot

ITT: dozens of larping incels, some guys with serious mental probs and one guy whose story is actually true but nobody believes.

I watched my gf at the time try out an 8x6 dildo her friends got her for her bday. Didn’t think it would fit but she took it like a champ and loved it

I was shopping in a supermarket and when I was looking for my favorite cereals, I saw a hot latina chick fucking herself with a cucumber. I watched and got really horny, suddenly she saw me. At first she was really embarrassed but then I fucked her against a fridge door. Then I sat in her trolley, completely naked and she pushed me to the check out. The cashier just said "Ma'am you got something on your mouth" It was my cum.

here ya go, sampax

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And for the other user

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My gf got an upset stomach half way through and didnt stop which I would've been fine with but gotta give her respect for being a champ even though she did end up shitting everywhere and then I threw up from the smell.

fake and gay
still kek'd

Girls don’t have a frenulum, that was a man baby

M or F ?

My life is a series of fucked up sexual experiences... I tend to scrape the bottom of the barrel when it comes to women... easy targets who just want some kind of affection tend to jump on your dick REAL quick when you give them attention. I've fucked fat girls, Amputees, Girls who were technically retarded... I've went to adult theaters and shoved my cock into old slag wives "spicing up their sex life" by getting a train run on them while their husband watches... I had sex with a first cousin a couple of times, nailed a 65 year old and an 80 year old... I've fucked wives in front of husbands... gotten hitch hiker head a few times...

Lies, absolute fucking lies

Fuck it I'll go
>be me last semester of college
>get rip roaring drunk 4 days a week because were in the home stretch
>start dating this chick
>cute, super nice, intelligent
>we hang out frequently but i still get blackout drunk every weekend because I've lost control at this point
>one night
>about to go Christmas caroling
>start bonging white wine
>fall down and hit my head a block away from my house
>she takes me to hers and we fuck
>pass out as soon as I bust
>she has to deal with 3 limp inches, a used condom and my load still sitting in her pussy
>piss her bed in the middle of the night
>next morning half asked help her clean it up
>she goes to get plan b
>think I'm being a gentleman to throw a few bucks at her to help cover the cost
>dump her a few days later because I'm about to move back home and I've got another girl lined up there
I didnt even realize how much of a shit head I was until reflecting on it years later

You in did in a shitmobile too
Shoulda used a clearing stick thoc

My female cousin raped me when I was 13.

Greentext it

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My niece was probably 4 and I was 17. She was sitting on my lap while I was on the computer. Don’t remember what I was looking up. Probably doing a puzzle with her or something.

She kept shifting her weight around and I got hard. I moved her forward and pulled my dick out so she wouldn’t feel it. Had my dick pressed against her back to see how far I would be inside of her.

>planning a visit to my son who lives out of state
>texting his mom and getting back I to old rhythms.
>horny because it's been forever since my last piece of pussy
>finally get out there and find out shes 6 months pregnant
>mfw dont care because it's been forever since I got laid
>bedtime
>starting making out and fingering her
>like sticking my hand in a bowl of lukewarm mashed potatoes
>get on top and start fucking her sitting up because prego belly
>feel shame of a thousand suns
>start to hate myself
>I covertly cream pie this nast piece of trash pussy
>get up and say I have to piss
>go sleep on the couch

I had the same experience

>Missus and I go to a BDSM play party
>Going pretty good, got to tie up the missus and get blow jobs all night to keep me hard while I drink
>Night winds down, just us, the host and his woman.
>He pulled out a sawsaw dildo and fired it up.
>Bzzzzt!
>Both ladies jump in fright
>Ohboydisgonnabeguud.jpg
>Hands it to his woman and then bends over
>She lives and jams it on in, right to the base
>missus and I look at each other with ‘plsno’ Looks on our faces
>She fires it up full ball, guy shaking liking he’s having a fit
>He cums, and we lose interest in the night in general
>He goes to bed, his missus wants a threesome but we’re so out of the mood we just leave.

Interesting to note that he wound up in hospital a week later because the sawsaw agitated a hernia he didn’t know he had