I'm a frenchfag and I have no one to help me, could you please help me to correct my application letter guys ?

I'm a frenchfag and I have no one to help me, could you please help me to correct my application letter guys ?

Attached: Capture.png (669x573, 65K)

Actual is a faux ami, you mean "I am currently" or "I am presently"
Assiduous will have people running for a dictionary

You've added a lot of unnecessary/wrong words all over the place. Paste it as text. Not rewriting all of that.

>retail business sector
>I already have work experience in the business sector
>joining your techno-commercial(technical sales) would* be an opportunity for me to...
>diligent and motivated, i will be fully....

its very bad. very bad

Cest merde

Thanks, i correct it

Dear Sirs,
Currently in second year of BTS MUC, I would like to join a Professional Degree in International Business. I had the opportunity during my BTS to do two internships in the retail business sector. I really appreciated the concrete side of the education. Now, I would like to follow my studies in apprenticeship to mix theorical instruction to operational application. That is why I’m applying in order to join your school.
The different subjects studied during my BTS helped me to acquire a strong knowledge related to business and management. I already have work experience in the business sector and I am passionate about languages, especially English, I would like to enrich my abilities and to acquire new ones.
To join your Technical Sales would be an opportunity for me to acquire necessary skills and knowledge for my education in International Business and thus to train me in long-term in this field
Diligent and motivated, I will be fully involved and I will carry out the projects entrusted to me.
I am available for any additional interview to prove you my abilities and answer your questions.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,

We say "C'est DE LA merde", you're criticizing but not doing better apparently

Really I thank you so much to help me guys, your help is really precious

>Actually in second year
I am in second year would likely be more appropriate: 'actually' carries the implication that something is other than what was expected, for instance if they wanted somebody in their third year.
>I would like to follow my studies in apprenticeship to mix theoretical instruction to operation application
sounds like your field of study is in apprenticeship, which deosn't make a lot of sense and your phrasing about mixing is a little ineloquent. I would write as "I would like to follow my studies onwards to an apprenticeship to gain practical experience as I continue to study"
>That is why I am applying in order to join your school
"in order to" is redundant: you're applying to join the school, simply. redundancy isn't always a bad thing if has purpose but it seems superfluous in this instance.
>a work experience
work experience is cumulative, plural and a implies a single thing so drop the a
>To join your
"joining your" would be shorter and modern and sounds more consistent with the suggestions I've made regarding redundancy.
>and thus to train me in long-term for this field
as opposed to short-term? "and thus to train me for this industry"
>assiduous and motivated
I had to google what assiduous means, diligent means the same thing and is more accessible, maybe just to say you're hard working would seem less pretentious maybe depending on who reads your letter.
>I am available for any additional interview to prove you my abilities and answer your questions
"prove you my abilities" you need a connective there, "prove to you my abilities", or "I am of course available for any interviews to answer any questions you have and prove my abilities to you" sounds more fluent and polite.

all things considered I've seen worse english from native speakers but you're not quite ready to write literature yet