Useless superpowers

when you do a finger gun it makes a gunshot noise but nothing else

you can read your own mind

make fuckton of money with cute cat vids

you atract spiders to you

dust bunnys follow my order but never leave the place under the bed.

all prepared food in a ten meter radius becomes cold

The ability to shoot noodles out of your fingertips

you can master any skill but you can only have one skill at a time and each time you learn a new one you forget the last one and anything you did with it

i get instantly a hardon when i hear the word rooftop

You can see through any object provided it's transparent

Telepathic control of toasters

when i lie down i can make my self unconscious for a few hour

girls I pick want to have sex with you, meaning you not me

best party trick ever

you scream whenever someone speaks behind your back no matter where they are

xray vision

my wray vision is superior

kek this is just passing out every so often

you hear the collective beeping of all microwaves in the universe all the time

i can shot white goo out of my peepee

You can perfectly speak any language at will, but you don't know what you are saying in that language, and don't understand when people speak to you in that language.

you can poo through your dick and piss out your ass

You can summon a single housefly.

1 second super strength but you have no controll over when it happens and your body cant handle it

could prove a handy distraction

you can telepthatically speak to chickens but the all have cockney accents and hate you

You can fly, but only when you're completely naked, and no slower than mach 1, but have no resistances to extreme cold/wind.

>summon housefly
>repeat until you have an army

Don't sound useless to me

that's called down syndrome

I can look at any body of water and know exactly what its name is. I know nothing else about it (direct, location, nothing useful), just know its name.

you can summon 10 bees every minute but they immediately try to attack you

you exude an odor of pasta sauce when you feel threatened

you sweat piss

complete invulnerability that is completely negated for 3 minutes any time you flinch

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thats still not useless

how is that a useless abillity

>complete invulnerability that is completely negated for 3 minutes any time you flinch
>also you have uncontrollable tourette's syndrome
Ftfy

the abillity to turn into a fly with no wings and only one leg and the transormation lasts for 24 hours

ability to dodge bullets but only at low speeds

you can eat anything but everything tastes like poop

Exactly

this is acctually not even that bad, you could fuck up the entire economy.

Your hair grows 3xfaster on holidays when banks are closed.

you can exude light through your eyes at will but you cant see anything and there is a 50% chance you become permamently blind when you do it

the ability to come up with useless abilities without restrictions set by a but only

IRL lag

any animal that looks into your eyes become more intelligent then you

Every 60 years you can regrow a limb.

Ability to stare at the sun without going blind.

that makes zero sense, if you dont know what you say you cant say anything.

NO, you can say things YOU JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND THEM
duhh

you're talking gibberish, but your actually conversing in a different language.

if you are born missing a limb this is extremely usefull

the ability to levitate 1 nanometer off the ground but only while wearing shoes

I am not 100% sure but I believe that 1nm is about the distance between your shoes an the ground anyway... fag

You can increase your weight at will, but don't have strength to compensate for it
Super strength but regular human durability
Can make others have an annoying itch at will

you can cool down a bowl of hot soup, but it takes 10 minutes

You speak the language with perfect pronunciation and well structured sentences, but you do not know what the words you are saying mean.

you piss double the amount of liquid you drink.

I am not 100% sure but I believe that 1nm is about the distance between your ass and any dick near you... fag

You can blow out a candle from really far away but you have to wait an hour to do it again.

so you mean you just say random words or random sentences or random short stories?
Or does the stuff you say acctually make perfect sense, so you tell someone about your last visit to the zoo in korean but you have no idea that you are talking about that?

shut up

You can teleport 10 cm in any direction, but it has a 10-second start-up every time you use it.

Detecting radioactivity in an object by putting it in your anus for a day.

that's what you don't know

the abilty to sharpen pencils with your fingertips, but only if they have been aggresively chewed by a male coworker

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Shovel hands

Absent seizure epilepsy. This is literally me.

that would make a pretty stuipid super power
Any vagina in a 5m radius gets pulled towards your penis and any vagina in 5 cm radius around the skin of your dick would get pushed away. Both forces would be equal to 500 kN/distance.
Which means with some practise you acctually could manage to have sexual intercourse by parforming a harmonical oscilation with the female.

Correct.

The ability to change minds about topics they don't care about.

The ability to become invisible but only when someone isn't looking at you and you're not in their peripheral vision.

Only applies to human eyes, so it doesn't affect cameras, mirrors, etc.

Everyone already has this ability

God the eyes on young courtney cox. fuckin a.

The dumbest person to ever get a college degree and join Congress. And that says alot

the ability to read minds, but whomevers mind you start to read instantly starts thinking about you fucking a skunk.

The ability to boil water at will.
But it needs to be on a working stove and it takes 10-15 minutes.

If everyone has it, isn't it a useless superpower?

Change my mind.

Telepathic control over dairy products.

I think a good name for this ability would be duke red.

does this include milk still inside the breasts?....that could be fantastic!

I feel like this one would be self perpetuating after a certain point.

Superpower: power greater in scope or magnitude than that which is considered natural or has previously existed.

... ... ...

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Super villian material, if it had some range theres a lot of electronics you could fuck up

The ability to resist the urge to write a reply in a Yea Forums thread.

I don't see why it wouldn't.

If only...

The agility ro make a girl wet, just by teasing her and kissing her and touching her in just the right spots while whispering sexy things into her ear

You could still be some kind of hero, the need repopulating.

The ability to look into peoples dreams by sleeping with a bit of you inside them

The ability to cum a gigantic thick white load of cum, but only if you waited like a week or two since your last jack of

Crabs is not a super power user

would kill for that

Your dick will grow twice as much when erect, but only when you're by yourself without any camera's around

You can shoot mind bullets, but they go straight through everything except nails

The ability to negate the calorie intake of any food you choose to eat, but as a result, that food becomes tasteless.

Titties on call son AOC got them all son. Cow farts melt the glaciers son got to get rid of air travel son. A to the O to the C looking out for you and me gonna make all the people see those titties on the AOC

I think they make cheap computer monitors

hailow

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You can be controlled by the nearest bird

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Lol

Fuckin lmao

Or half rotten fruit

I know Thats from a book and trips

holy crap my sides

Immensely useful to get out of jails

>AOC
>3 letters
>every republican immediately gets a boner
more effective than Viagra

Immunity to bullets, but only if they're not shot from a firearm

A bullet is by definition shot from a firearm, maybe you meant projectile?

>10cm

Unless you're super skinny and have an abnormally small head, you'd get impaled and die.

I have a box of bullets. Full box. Not a single one being shot. Just sitting there, looking like bullets.
>am immune to them
Now they're being shot from a firearm
>no longer immune to them

The ability to know when your asshole is clean without needing to look at the TP

Make mad cash by doing performances where someone hammers a bullet down your chest like a nail and you shrug it off

You know how much time you will save with that user? That's the best superpower out there!

You got that backwards m8

Yep. Could eat them like a breakfast cereal and be fine. Just don't get shot by one.

Like a few seconds every day?

What's the fucking point? Yeah I can't see shit but I'm going to provide these African kids with a night light. Jesus.

>then you

Any animal is smarter than you, son. It's than, not then. Hate yanks.

>being 12yo

kek

have you forgotten what this thread is about

you can extract a fetus out of a pregnant woman and launch it at great speed

Oh fuck off I had a stroke 3 days ago.

the abillity to initiate a stroke at will

the abillity to poop through your pores

Wouldn't be my 1st choice but not a useless superpower. Launch anchor babies back into mexico, thereby preventing the anchor from being dropped. Niglets launched over prison walls so their dad's can see them. All sorts of fun.

dibs: the power the claim any structure or object you touch. when an object or structure is claimed you are tethered to it and cant move further then 10 meters from it

dubs: the power to make subtitles appear under people's mouths. whenever you read them your vision diminishes further as does your hearing

Well I'd touch my dick....

Every time you blink you feel a momentary jolt of sharp pain in your colon

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tubbs: you gain weight at an extreme rate by not eating you need to consume atleast 100 kilos of food per day to stay at a healthy weight

You can make anyone fall in love with you - only if you're not attracted to them in any way.

how is that useless? there's endless possibilities there

so essentially you want to be an atractive woman

The ability to mind control anyone to want to have sex with you, but when they come within 1 foot of you, their body transforms into that of Brian Peppers'.

midget porn is an acquired taste

>make a rich woman fall in love with you
>live the rest of your life on easy mode

How is that useless?

kek

the clap of your asscheeks can be heard for 100 kilometers

So basically your ass is a sonic bomb?

you can talk to bugs but they dont understand you nor do they talk back

everytime a donkey enters within 200 meters of you you grow an extra asscheek with every two asscheeks added a new asshole is added

whenever you snap your fingers the closest human has to drop what they are doing and clap once

You can instantly travel 100 years forward in time. You also become 100 years older.

you get drunk on water

when you say ooga booga you transform into a nigger for 2 weeks

Just the body, or the face too? I can live with midget blowjobs.

kek

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so I never have to pee again?

you can teleport anywhere in the universe but have no controll over where you end up

when you proclaim someone to be a "thicc ass boi" he gains 1 kilogram

Any girl you will fall in love with you at the snap of your fingers, but you are incapable of having an erection and cannot experience pleasure from kissing / cuddling.

anything you cook becomes indedible

>indedible

nice typo m8t

This is still an amazing power. So get her to fist your ass or fuck you with a strapon. Problem solved. You don't need an erection to cum. Kissing and cuddling is gay anyway.

Imagine doing this outside like a surgery room kek

you stay concious after dead but cant move

>get her to fist your ass or fuck you with a strapon
>cuddling is gay

I think the only thing gay here is you. I'm not shoving anything up my arse.

you're missing out, buddy. there's a whole world to explore

fag

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when you clap people around you must dance to the rhythm when you stop this will lead them to go into a frenzy and try to kill you

nah i'm good.

Besides, if you feel that getting fucked in the ass undermines your fragile masculinity, i feel bad for you. Letting your insecurities govern your behavior is gayer than actually being gay.

go steal from a store
go beat up an old lady
go berate the inferior
doing fag shit for the sake of pleasure undermines masculinity.
sticking things up your ass adds a dimension of disease and mental illness to the equation.

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>Letting your insecurities govern your behavior is gayer than actually being gay

sure. But who tells you I'm insecure? I just don't want to shove anything up my arse. Just as I don't want to cut my veins, beat up people or rape my girlfriend even if she wants me to.

Breathing in twice saves you a breath next year. This only works once a year and only affects you while sleeping except when you could use that extra breath.

You can fly,,, under water only

>fly underwater

that's called swimming, sweetheart.

Maximum zozzle

The ability to develop Male Pattern Baldness at will. But you can only do it once and it's irreversible.

the hability to make every woman have a femenine penis

Duh

The ability to get dubs on every post you make.

I just don't see the connection between being a violent criminal and anal sex. And We don't live in the 80s anymore. So unless you're fucking crackheads 24/7, i don't see SDTs being a risk. All i'm saying is, if you're calling me a fag for enjoying all forms of pleasure, i think it's fair to say that you're even worse fags for being afraid of it.

The ability to time travel but only backwards and only to Auschwitz in 1944, where you name is automatically changed to Shlomo Goldstein.

the power to summon a cookie once a day. the cookie is tiny and tastes like toothpaste

I have this power

Droptop

Actually not useless if you have an infected nail

I () didn't call you a fag. did. I'm just saying that I take no pleasure in being pounded in the arse and that I don't wish to insert anything in my anal cavity.
If that turns you on, good for you. You're probably gay, but I don't care.

where you imediately realise that the holocaust was in fact a lie

Holy shit.

he's the chosen one

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I bet you surprised yourself there.

Looks like a good time mate

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Kek? Is that you o lord?

Well whadda you know

Not the hero we wanted, but the hero we deserve.

Fair enough. I'm bi so i guess that makes me gay as well. I'm not judging anyone for their sexuality.

100 bucks magically lands in your bank every time you suck a dick.

thats called being a whore

I worship you as my God. Tell me Lord, who must I smite?

same but I always roll trips

I ain't gay but damn....

you lose one euro every time you swear but gain one each time someone around you swears

holy shit

nice dubs

Nooooooooo!!!!!!
Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the true chosen one is among us praised be his name

Satan?? Is that you?

>when you do a finger gun it makes a gunshot noise but nothing else
Kek

bi is gay, most definitely. I don't care about people's sexuality. Hell, if your fantasy is to get your anus destroyed while eating a horse pussy, who am I to judge?

Fucking epic

He has spoken. I'm the 44 and half of the 88. I am the son of God. Bow down before our dubjestic majesty of feel our wrath.

Thats like one of those extremely retarded situational yugioh cards.

Dubs?

Zozzle

The anti dub is amongst us. Beware the trips. Only misery you will find. Follow the dubs.

That seems more like an ailment then a superpower

Go to a football match. Loaded in seconds.

All blind people already have this ability. If you don't believe it, just show a blind man this thread.

I think that deep, dark fantasies like that can eventually lead someone to a very dark place. Just because i'm more open to sexual experiences doesn't make me a pervert. There are lines you don't cross. But the one you described doesn't sound all that bad.

I instantly turn invisible on entering any women's locker room...

...but now having a transparent retinal layer renders me blind.

I already do this. Every day.

You can be invisible but only when no one is watching

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The power to turn horse spunk into donkey spunk.

Holy fuck this fucking thread tho.

FUN DISCORD JOIN NOW

discord.
gg/nJbwa3

6

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every fruit or vegetable you grow is shaped like a dick

The ability to read minds and contol people's emotions.

this thread was blessed by satan

Trips

your teeth grow back but the moment they are fully grown out they launch out of your mouth like bullets

i'd rather they didn't launch out of my mouth

whenever you lie your nose turns into a dick

The power to turn any cheese into a different kind of cheese.

Buy cheap regular cheese, turn it into rare expensive cheese, sell for profit.

this

become a pornstar millionaire

Oh that could potentially be quite useful.
Yeah lemme get a truckload of velveeta real quick..

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of course the fucking donkey cheese is the most expensive one in the world

The ability to see into the future at any point in time,but if you tell anyone about what you've seen, your head explodes.

Didn't expect it tbh. Figure it would be like some dolphin cheese or like hamster cheese or someshit

whenever you roll a dice depending on the roll you: 1 make all cats within a mile start fighting
2 float in place for 2 hours
3 atract all metalic objects within 10 feet for 1 hour
4 someone within 100ft gets a heart attack
5 a random animal within 300ft gains the same level of intelligence of a human
6 everyone within 10 miles turns invisible for 24 hours

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dolphin cheese lmao. It's like, they don't actually measure the quality or taste of the cheese, just how hard it is to make it. "Sure, it tastes like shit, but do you have any idea how fucking hard it is to milk a donkey? That'll be $450 a piece."

the abilliity to turn trees into dildo's

whats a chairleg alex?

The tennis player Novak Djokovic has a company that sells Donkey cheese. Seriously.

that's some ecoterrorist shit. Imagine the whole Siberia region as a massive rubber dildo forest

Everythings a dildo if you're brave enough.

English fag detected

Fuck, i should start my own company scamming rich assholes who want rare cheese

pmsl!

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Being able to cut your own nails at the speed of light. You can't do anything else at that speed.

that's not useless user

haha good one

you can read peoples mind but when you try it gives you the ol switcheroo and the other person can read your mind but you cant read theirs

awesome for parties and making people shit themselves
never ending food supply
great for porn unless you have a small penis
great for passing time
i agree, just could travel back in time and kidnap her
this is just too funny
i just remembered who brian peppers is
kinda awesome

You can make everyone within 20ft of you shit their pants uncontrollably for 10 min then they pass out for 24hrs

Who's Alex?

That's not useless

The ability to piss at will

I have the ability to shoot them out of my nose

the abililty to go invisible while your screaming at the very top of your lungs with all your power.

That is acctually legit faggot logic.
This is unironicly what they say.
You are a fucking faggot mate, I mean for real.

you could acctually break the deep diving world record, this is pretty usefull.

>Hoard a ton of gold
>Turn all the rest of the worlds gold into iron
>Turn into the only supplyer of the worlds gold
>Become super rich

ebin

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>and when you imidietly realize that you fabricated it the last time you did your time travel

Can see through tainted glass

just travel to Russia, the plane ticket will be paid of the second you walk within reach of some drunktards.

doing fag shit for the sake of pleasure undermines masculinity.

you are a decadent faggot and you are the reason everything is so shit right now. WOrst thing is that you dont even aknowlege that.

how is that useless? you're the either the ultimate wingman or can be a villain that flings hags and fatties at people

You can make all the money in the world with this power.

You can now urinate through your nipples

based af

You may summon any weapon, but you have no idea how to use it.

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HeH+

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