My parents are left to Hawaii for a week, so I have the full house to myself

>I'm 31
>what fake pussy should i order while my parents aren't home
whew lad... whichever one you can pay for with tendies and gbp i guess

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so no puss regimentation? post ignored
Thanks I'll research this
I'm 100% true blooded American you nigger

Uh oh...u mad

Maybe I'll just do my normal jackin, Yea Forums is shit. I thought you'd know about the best ways to jack but I see this place is a shell of its former self and anyone that regulars here is just dumb

Honestly great attitude man

Thanks dude, it's kind of sad that I have to have the response saved in my Dropbox so it's always available

Lol yeah

Do some exercise and beat the shit outta your mom. Let's see her complain about you jacking off again.

maybe it's sad becuase it's an indication of how often you're told that.
maybe it's more of a statement on you...

go big or go home. Fleshlight Stoya Destroya model OR the flight Pilot model. Best in their line

Well I got arrested for passing out in my car last October and I DO live in her basement so I have to follow her rules but I really like jackin off and want to get a puss while she's gone so I can improve my jacking off sessions

Post it

Hire a w’hore

I got my first one from amazon a couple weeks ago "Pocket Pussy,Male Masturbators Cup Adult Sex Toys Realistic Textured Pocket Vagina Pussy Man Masturbation Stroker"
It's better than your hand but not like a real pussy, really close though. If you end up getting one get water base lube too since it's a most

>post ignored
yet u replied

Thats how 4chane b yo

super easy to make,
just roll glove in a towel, smaller is better
you can pour some lotion in there then stick your dick inside

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The Fleshlight Alien thing is pretty good

Also why haven't you moved the fuck out yet

if you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.
if you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole

because I only have a job in retail and because my mom says I can't move out because I will fail

Your mom sounds like a controlling bitch

She's not wrong though, she raised me to fail LOL

...or the truth is that most people actually are assholes, whether or not you are one is still debatable.

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holy soy batman.
the nation weeps for your manhood.
collect your fucking balls move the fuck out.

But I'll fail and become low class.
As it stands I live happily in the middle class

erotic number! touka (hard type) is pretty loli like desu

I honestly hope so.
Then again my depression is gone for tonight because OP seems like an even bigger loser so I kinda hope it isn't.

Nigga if this isn't bait:
You're not middle class. Your parents are.

Still, this is Yea Forums. You even so much as breathe and you're told you're a faggot nine times and to kill yourself twice that much.
That's why I love you guys so much

it isn't a troll, I'm too drunk to drive but not sure if I have enough alcohol to get me through the night.
I only hope I don't drive drunk to get more and get arrested again

...and I live in their house
Think I don't get free din dins on Friday and Saturday?
Think I pay rent?
Think I pay for utilities?

Nigga this is best life

>is it me? no clearly everyone else is wrong.

whatever you have to tell yourself.
just know that none of us have responses saved in notepad for when people say we should kill ourselves

jesus christ you are a child in an adult body.
when you kill yourself you should put in the note how your parents failed to raise you.

That looks so fucked

it's comfy but I just want to try a professional one which is what I asked in OP

Based NEETbro, don't listen to all these jealous wagecucks who have to criticize your based and ascended life choices in order to convince themselves that they are happy with their miserable lives.
As for the fuck sleeve, I recommend ordering something on the cheaper end of the price ranges, but not so terribly cheap that it shreds in half on day one. Fleshlights and dragon sleeves are cool and fancy but most people find that the cleanup/ maintenance is too annoying for regular use so it only gets used now and then.

Try the La Bocca Della Verita SOFT. Its not expensive and incredibly good and unique. You need thicker lube than normal for these toys so something designed for this. They include decent lube for 2-4 uses. Otherwise Onatsuyu is lube meant for toys and bottle is huge and lube is cheap.

thanks bro I only need this for one epic fap then I will destroy

>one epic fap then I will destroy
KEK why?

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embrace your low t existence and the fact that you will never be a man.
find your mother's bad dragon and use that.

If it's still in my room my mom will eventually find it

No need. This toy is very silent and is not big like a fleshlight. So its easy to hide the lube might be harder.

>31
>lives with mummy and daddy

bro I'm 23 and I already have my own apartment in central Londonistan. My gf is moving in with me next year. What TF are you doing with your life?

I already looked in her shit and she only has some meds and a really lame looking "personal massager"
Stepdad's drawers has some lube I can borrow if I get a nice puss

This is tragic.

>my mom will eventually find it
Dude your mom goes through your shit? Aren't you 31 years old? Tell her to fuck off or you'll use her whole entire house as a fleshlight. And then tell that bitch to go get some tendies and ranch working before you bag up her belongings and throw them in the garbage

still have two big beers left @10% but going to get some more, brb

z3CM6J

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>What TF are you doing with your life?
having a lot of disposable income

is that based on you going out and experiencing other lives and coming back to your parents house, or... based on no life experience whatsoever

I have a lot too. My monthly salary is 5,650£. Sure, the CEO makes ten times that, but I'll probably take his seat in the next 15 years.

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Why do you keep saying "puss" like some wannabe chad?
Jesus everything about you makes me cringe.

Just out of curiosity, what is you height, weight and dick size?

lube eh

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You know he's like 15 and this is bait, he wants more replies, the only 25+ I know that live at home are saving for their own place after uni or have disabilities

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yea I bet he lived at home with his mom 15 years ago

of course I did. I'm 23. 15 years ago I was 8 years old, so of course I lived with mum and dad.

Get some puss puss on tinder mate. Do it in your parents room to assert dominance.

I got this Sasha Grey toy for 10$-15$ over a year ago. It's soft, squishy, and is still just fine despite be not using the special powder they wanna sell you.
It's a Doc Johnson toy I think.

pay a hooker instead

i know someone who is 30+ still lived at home with parents because he worked a dogshit blue collar job that makes zero money

wow just wow
the CEO dumbass
try and find a CEO of a company who lived with his mom 15 years ago

I made minimum wage through community college until I got to uni (my parents were shit people and drug addicted so its not like a had a choice) it is possible, he is just bad at managing money.

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do you sleep in the sofa of livingroom?

15+15 = 30. Learn to read and to do maths. No wonder you're broke and can't afford to move out of your parent's place.

i mean yea it was live alone but have zero spending money or live with parents and be able to spend money on shit

5'11"
currently 250 (was as high as 297 and as low as 198 in the last year)
dick: like maybe 5-6" I think

nah I got a sweet basement room tbh

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future school shooter

damn dude I'm currently working in Target
LOL

shit is takin too long just gonna buy one of the first pusses on amazon

I'm calling your manager

Mans got a point

You dirty liar!

That's cool.
This is still viable. it's less than $14 currently.

what does thou mean

puniana dx soft, hips are always better than those shity sleeve things

oh god and he studies cyber sec

bought these, thanks Yea Forums

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Yay, I helped! :3

Hey dude are you still here?

post more pics of your basement i wanna see how you're living

ok give me a minute I'll shrink a panoramic pic down or somethin

cheers pal, i'm also 31 but my situation is... different to yours.

I take it you've never been with a real woman?

sorry it looks gay, 2 MB limit on Yea Forums

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Stop giving this dude legit advice, I bet he's like 15 and on Yea Forums for the first time.

yeah there was a girl in high school that liked me but I thought she was trolling me so nothing happened
Otherwise no girl has ever liked me

THE OTHER SHITPOST HAS BEEN RUINED BY THE FAG HONES JOIN THIS WITHOUT THE SLASHES pT/ZS/nTf

Had one, was amazing but loud, also pink coloring fades after a few uses.

cool I'll just use it this week when my mom is gone in Hawaii then make it kill so I don't need many faps from it

I mean, you could have just posted the three images separately!

Not bad though, i expected worse. Not a fan of that gun cabinet though, does it even lock?

Are there no windows?

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Jesus christ that's upsetting

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it is just one panoramic pic I guess I could take a few pics
>gun cabinet
I broke the glass when pissing once so it's fully open
The black gun case IS locked but both are my dad's+

this thread is embarassing as hell

>the homemade pocket pussy
lol

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>I broke the glass when pissing once

Dude you fascinate me, i need to know more. How the fuck does this happen?

OP here damn I need to go back to the gym (PF)
I paid for it for a year including BS late fees (how the HECK is a payment late when you have access to my bank account?)

But yeah I'd like to look at cute girl butts

It isn't very impressive, I was pissing in a beer can and I fell forward into the glass case and then spilled the piss on the bottom of the case.

I still have some scars from falling into the glass but it wasn't major. I did convince my parents that it was just an out of place backpack that made me fall but they probably know

Old fag here. Literally and on Yea Forums.org. 51. By the time I was 31 I was married and had my first kid and I was making a 120 k a year. Bought a really modern house in Florida.

But that was after I had been a helicopter pilot in the Army. I got a 4 year degree. I spent a year as a ski bum in Colorado. I had been to 10 countries, and 44 states.

I am not particularly smart. My brother and Father both engineers are WAY smarter than I am.

Get in motion. Get on Tinder and fuck someone on your parents bed! I beg you OP, don't waste your life! Travel, explore do something. Join the military!

My son's are 20 and 18. My oldest (Eagle Scout) joined the Army 3 weeks after he graduated and spent 15 months in South Korea. The youngest started an internet company and is moving to Spokane to be with his 4 business partners. I have faith in you!

no nigga, get a real pussy. if you use a fake pussy it means your a pussy

My mom wouldn't let me see other students outside school in high school, even for school projects.
Now I have learned to LOVE being alone and I just want some sweet IT jobs even if I have to deal w/public it's OK since they are remote. I never had a GF and since 2004 or so never had a friend either

So those bottles are piss bottles.. Are you not allowed to go potty after bedtime?

lost beyond repair

It would just raise red flags to mom if I piss all night so I piss in whatever is closest usually but that one night I fell in the gun case

This is tragic. OP you will never get a sweet IT job if you don't leave the basement. This is facts. I work in IT and interpersonal skills are an absolute requirement for the job, even if most of the work we do is remote.

The sad fact is people need to like you in order to offer you a job. My line manager had an interview last week where the candidate's technical knowledge was spot on but he came across like a cunt so was instantly rejected.

Your mom is an absurdly controlling cunt and you need to get out immediately and never look back.

OP, you can do IT work from home. There are online classes and YouTube has some great tutorials. You should travel. If you have good disposable income you should take 10 days and go to Thailand or Vietnam or some place like that. It's way cheaper than Hong Kong or Tokyo.

And you have us as your friends

I got them skillz I worked retail over a decade now

Have you ever fantasised about your mum?

No! She's really fat and also ugly (imo)

It's why I am also ugly LOl

That's great! Retail is perfect experience. I spent 6 years in the retail trap, one day i lost it, decided i was done and handed my notice in. Nothing to fall back on but some savings, hands down best decision i have ever made. Gave me time and motivation to find something I actually enjoyed doing.

Do you get on with your colleagues?

okay but heres the thing,if you dont live you also won't have any bad feels,and we all know that life has a lot more bad feels than good feels (unless you are one of those extremely lucky people who are truly happy all the time)

yeah man I get along with all the work nigger but tbh know they are inferior to me

bad feels is no biggie, that's life
Live for the good feels

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well for some people it is quite a biggie.if it wasnt for family i would have offed myself a looong time ago

But who took the picture?

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Step 1. Forget that. You're not ugly, you just need to take care of yourself a bit.

Take this week in between the faps to find some new clothes online. Shower, shave, haircut?

Step 2. Lose the attitude. Dudes are working, making a living. Probably not living in their mums' basements afraid of wanking too loud. They are not inferior. At worst they are on the same level as you, some of them might actually be happy. I'm a little sad you feel this way.

Step 3. Stand up to your mum. Your relationship is not healthy.

When were your last good feels?

>You're not ugly
false, I would not be a 31 y/o virgin otherwise

gettin drunk right now

Go fuck a whore fag

show

er.. how
like how to get a whore