How do I move past my childhood abuse Yea Forums? Any advice?

When I was 17 I told him that if he does one more thing I'm calling the police and telling them everything. That's the main reason he's better now but he threatened to kick me out shortly after I said that so I presume it won't be long after I go home that I will be kicked out for good
Thanks user, I needed to hear that

Sounds like you just need a dose of man-the-fuck-up.

Shut up you bitchy fag
Some men have to endure hard times. Because life is difficult and filled with difficult times. And the time will come when you will need some friendly helpful words, too.
Take care, OP, I am leaving now

That's what my dad told me

Thanks, see you

Aww. Fellow PTSD dude here. Will now read your story and try to give advice.

Aww D:

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through that. It sounds truly horrible D:

Jesus. No kidding, even if he's nice he'll give you flashbacks. Chances are he's not really nice either, even if he doesn't get physical.

Is there any plan B you can use to avoid moving in with him?

That's the kind of shit abusers say to legitimize their abuse.

Unsurprisingly abuse doesn't actually build confidence.

Thanks. It's good to talk about this once and a while.

We barely speak to each other when I see him, Most days when I'm home I only see him during dinner and that's it.

I don't have a plan B, I honestly don't know what to do, a part of me wants to find some guy I can live with online in exchange for sex. It's not exactly a good plan

Do you want to share your story? You don't have to if you don't want to

Both of these are me.

*nod* Yeah, talking about it and like, trying to move through and release the memories can help.

I eventually got specialized PTSD treatment which helped me move past some blockages that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to.

So if you can access that somehow, I recommend it...

I've had two traumas... my kid trauma was kinda similar to yours.

I was hit from the age of 4 by my dad, and at 6 he put me in a chokehold and pushed me up against the wall. He didn't actually squeeze, but the message was clear; seeing him thinking about killing me took its toll on me.

After that I think he stopped hitting me, although my mom slapped me about 10 times between then and when I was like 10-12.

Some emotional/psychological abuse, he was always demeaning (still is). He literally never praised me. I never felt loved by him.

My latter trauma was when I was 21. I was working with a machine that drilled rear axles to cars. At shift change I was inside cleaning when my colleagues failed to notice me, so they closed the safety door, locked it and started the machine with me inside.

The material was out of material to work with (otherwise it would've been quick...) so I could run to the safety door, knock on it, and get let out.

I'm still really paranoid around people (due to a mix of both traumas) and get triggered by drilling noises. And I'm really tense in work type situations.

---

How old are you now?

I'm pretty new to the treatment stuff, I'll look into it though

This might sound weird but it's kind of reassuring to hear that someone went through similar stuff to you, thanks for sharing. Damn that drill thing sounds terrifying. Did you quit after that?
I'm 20

You should talk about it with your close friends or even us and possibly take medication.

OP I was molested from age 7 till 13 including rape and being passed around like a dildo, luckily it was my female cousin, but i deal with it by not being a little bitch and growing a pair.

Ah, cool.

Haha, I know right? There's so much shame and guilt, so it feels good to hear you're not alone.

If you wanna chat on discord or something you can contact me at [email protected] .

I'm 35 now.

Yeah.. .the drill thing was crazy. I was so quick, yet so devastating. The whole thing was over in maybe 5-8 seconds.

I didn't quit right away; I got "sick" a few days later and was out for a week.

But I kept trying to work there for another 7 months, until I was unable to sleep when I knew I had work the next day.

I actually thought your story sounded really horrible, with neither home being safe and continuous intensive violence >.o And very early sexual abuse too D:

I don't speak to people that often, I have told two of my friends I have PTSD but that's it. I talk about this on Yea Forums quite often, it's the best place for me to vent
Everyone deals with things differently. We had two very different childhoods, it sounds like you even enjoyed it a little because you said it was lucky that it was a female. We are not the same person and our lives are very different. I'm glad that you can move past that, but not everyone can do that
Thanks, but I am really bad bad with people, even if it's just an online thing, I can't do it. Sorry
The worst thing about it was that I thought it was all perfectly normal until I was about 13 and visited a friends house and saw how different everyone treated each other there

Fair enough :3

Yeah I'm really cautious around people still, but a bit less so online I suppose xP

Ohh, dang. Yeah, that's the crazy part, when the abusers are your parents it messes things up. They are supposed to be the guardians, and those who teach you how the world works, and what's acceptable and not.

First time my dad slapped me, I remember feeling like that meant the world was dangerous.

It wasn't the world, it was just him, but I didn't know that.

Is it ok if I write *hugs* and stuff here? I know it's kinda intrusive but I kinda wanna comfort you o.o

You sound like you are able to distance yourself from some of the shame at least, which is impressive.

I mean, I'm sure most remains and stuff, but just questioning the shame one has been taught for their entire childhood is really, really hard.

find a way to abuse someone else so you feel more powerful

Luckily I had an older brother who helped me deal with a lot, he had worse I suppose because he fought back whenever something happened but after he got kicked out I had no one
It's fine *hugs*
It took me a while. Before I started uni I thought I just had to survive until I can move out then everything would be fine, but on my first day away from home I didn't feel any better and realized I'll have all of this for life, it was hard for me to swallow but it made me realize I didn't deserve anything that happened

Ahh, that's good!

I had two, and later a third sibling. They got some shit too but I was the black sheep.

I don't have contact with the two closest siblings now because they started abusing their kids and got upset when we (mom, I and the third sibling) reported one of them to CPS.

How much older is your brother? Are you still in contact?

Oh sweet ^^ *hugs*

*nodnod* Well it's kinda true in that the creation of traumas kinda had ended by then, but that still leaves the mind wrecked. Kind of like a room, or even a house, that has been ransacked.

That's a really good attitude, and very true. You didn't deserve any of it. It was all just your abusers being shitty and taking their frustrations out on others.

My dad still does his shit towards others, if not as violent as it used to be.

How long have you been in uni? What are you studying? I'm just curious xD

He's 4 years older and I talk with him once and a while. I have other older siblings but I don't talk to them that much and they moved out when I was about 6.
I have little sisters too, they're fine at home though but I do what I can to make sure they're safe
Sorry to hear about your siblings, it's a shame that these things pass down from each generation
Do your family still talk to your dad?
I just finished my final year, I'm not going to say what I'm studying because I did before on here and I'm pretty sure he tried to track me down. Not saying you would, but I probably shouldn't say again

Oh okay. I glad you're still in contact, it's important with allies.

Yeah, it sucks :/

We're still in contact-ish... My dad has two daughters with his new wife who are 18 and 15 or so... the elder of those had it hardest, but they're both slipping out of his control now, so he's started yelling at work and stuff.

Neither of us really confronted him in the past, but my youngest brother (30 now) is starting to. He brought up the abuse with my dad's new wife like last week, and his fiancé mentioned I'd discussed my dad's abuse in therapy. So shit is about to go down I suppose.

I've mostly just avoided visiting him, visited his family maybe 3 times a year from age 22, then down to 1-2 times a year. I skipped Christmas for the first time last year but will meet him next time when my sister graduates in June. There will probably be drama.

I'm glad you can help protect your little sisters. I'm sure it makes a big difference.

Oh Jesus, that's creepy. Well, I wouldn't, but you don't know that, and neither of us know who are lurking here.

Not wanting to get tracked down is why I suggested something fairly anonymous like Discord; the email is a throwaway one.

I hope everything goes well for you. Sorry to hear that it's still on going
My sisters seem to mostly be ok, it's a little hard for them but luckily my family seemed to have calmed down in the past few years
Yeah, he was telling me that he had friends in the industry and things, told me I should sell my body if I need to and tried to get my contact info. Shit was whack
Yeah, I understand, but I can't do discord. I barely even talk to the friends I have had since childhood on there

Can you tell me what happened so I know the context? My dad abused me too, I just recently confronted him.

I have it here

Thank you!

Eh, it's ebbing out at least; his daughters will be out soon. Then he'll have to direct his frustrations elsewhere.

Ah nice, that's good to hear.

...da fuck... Jesus.

I'm in Europe, I'm doubting we even share continent xP

*nodnod* Yeah, I get it xP Didn't mean to seem pushy, my apologies.

It’s good if you end up being kicked out. You should be very proud that you said that to him. Goes to show that you can stick up for yourself and you aren’t as afraid as you think.

You do not need to let these people stay apart of your life, even if you love them, you need to love yourself more because you aren’t a kid anymore. You have to be the one to protect your well being.

male here. I lost my vcard when I was 11 to a much older women. Was so called "molested" by this woman and some of her friends often, sometimes by their daughters.

I do not feel traumatized in anyway. Regardless of everyone saying I was molested or raped.

I just dont feel it that way. I had a fucking blast and would do it all again.

Am I broken?

Probably not. My dad was molesting me at like 4/5. Am totally fucked. Different situations/ timing.

PTSD user here

seek Eastern philosophy. The West won't help you heal. The West will give you pills, the East will give you practices.

PTSD is an affliction of the mind. The West is an affliction of the mind.

You need to learn about your mind, and how it relates to your body, and to your spirit. From self-love, you can become free.

I guess. My old man did make me have sex with his gf at the time.

Still didnt traumatize me.

ignore this chakra fuckin qi bullshit.

mental health. speak to a pro. thats all.

My dad groomed me for a long time so I’d want to touch his dick and lay on his bulge. Every day.

Luckily recently I’ve been tormenting the living shit out of him. He literally reported me for harassment on fb haha.

Not OP but that was a really nice post.

No... not all sexual contact is traumatizing.

All sexual contact between kids and adults has to be illegal both because kids can't understand the full implications, plus they can be coerced or intimidated to do things they don't really want. So it's possible to make them say yes when they don't want it.

But if you feel that your experience wasn't traumatizing, then that's fine.

Yeah. The moment I told him he started to get really pushy, kind of freaked me out to be honest. He thought I was American for some reason. I'm European too so he wouldn't be able to do anything anyway
You weren't being pushy, I'd like to talk to you, but I can't
Thanks for the encouragement. I needed it
I'm not an expert in this thing or anything but if you enjoyed it at the time it probably wouldn't ruin you. You were still abused and raped but that doesn't mean you have to be broken because of it
I'm trying out meditation, have only done it a few times but it seems helpful. Thanks
Sorry to hear that, I'm hoping your alright

Same here, except that I forgive him. I was really cute as a kid so I can understand him.

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Ummm, well, I guess

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I was okay up until I turned about 28, realized the impact the whole situation had on me and my family/ my future and potential. Potential for normal feeling and love. I’m afraid since confronting him I’m not processing my emotions in a healthy way. :(

Pick up martial arts and self defense.
I will never understand your situation but I am sure that getting stronger will not only help your own confidence and defense against your abuse, but it will also make people less likely to mess with you.
If you really need a place to go you can always skip on home and join the army. that would bundle in with training and eventually will set you on a good path.

Well, that would've freaked me out too xD I hate losing control, so that would be more than enough xP

Aww, alright ^^ *hugs* Well I'm glad you like talking to me too!

(me) I also would like to add that in general standing up for yourself, threatening, and carrying out threats if messed with, is important. and if you are in an abusive situation, even if it's your family than it's better to get out of there than to be stuck in it hoping things will be fixed. Sometimes no matter things just aren't meant to be, even if it means cutting connections with family. It's a lot better than staying and being hurt.

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Regardless if OP likes cock or not we must help em out.

I don't know anything about chakras. Your bias will hold you back, user

Meditation is an excellent practice. I really recommend some books, too. Allan Watts YouTube lectures are equally powerful if you listen intently.

You have the love within you to succeed user ^^ Much can be gained by simply breathing and smiling

Do some shrooms. Trust. Helped me with my rape issues.
short and simple. SHROOOOOMS
you might end up believing in god

I took taekwondo for a few years and enjoyed it, but my fear of people stopped me from going to the classes. I have thought about joining the army, but I don't think I'll be allowed since I already have PTSD and giving me a gun while putting me in dangerous situations probably won't end well. Thanks though
Thanks. I know this now, growing up I thought I just had to move out for things to get better. I'm going to do all I can to fix myself
*hugs*
Yep
I'll check them out, thanks

shrooms helped me a lot, too
and like user said, i actually do believe in god(s) now

I'm staying away from drugs. I can't risk getting addicted to something

It’s actually a bigger positive than you think right now that you aren’t addicted to anything. Did you finish university?

I got withdrawn since I stopped going to class because I couldn't handle everything anymore

You need first to understand that abusive people come from abusive environments, so he was probably repeating to you what he heard or thought about himself.
Grow stronger, mentally and physically, stuff from the past cant really hurt you if you dont allow it.
Try boxing, once you get used to being punched and can punch back, you find out you are not that easy to break.
Dont use drugs that make you paranoid or estressed, only things that make you chill, weed or booze.

That’s pretty normal dude. I might suggest taking a break from school for a bit until you smooth some of the emotions over. I kept trying and failing due to anxiety and can’t go back now.

There will be a point in the future where you’ll be okay enough to go back if you want to, but you have to be careful because having 3 or 4 withdrawals sucks.

Do not start smoking weed or drinking.

Maybe you’d benefit from visiting /fit/?

Psilocybin (mushrooms) are used to cure addictions. You cannot become physically dependant on psilocybin. There is a refractory period in our brains that doesn't let us trip again for a week or two after our last trip

Psychedelics are safer than the drugs your pharmacy gives you. There is no known physical drawback to psychedelic use. We have proven that psychedelics can repair synopses in the brain, allowing our minds to permanently think in New ways

You don't have to use drugs to heal, but some drugs, mainly psychedelics, are healers

PTSD here, as well. I'm sorry you went through that and are dealing with the stuff you are. Life is tough and often unfair--I can commiserate with a lot of what you wrote.

Stuff that has helped me: Buddhist meditation (like, actually learning the teachings/techniques and doing the daily practice, not just watching youtube videos every now and then); cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) with a psychologist; philosophy (Seneca, Epictetus, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Sartre, Merleau-Ponty, Camus, and others); literature; daily exercise and stretching.

I don't think we ever get "over" this stuff, any more so than any other person ever truly gets over their deepest demons. But we can learn how to live with it better by making an effort over a long time. You don't really move past anything; you just learn to look it in the eye and live a good life even with it hovering around.

Good luck, op.

I kinda ran out of things to say, ehm.

I think you're holding up really well given how recent and long your trauma was; my most recent one was 14 years ago and it still affects me a lot.

I recommend avoiding sleeping pills. They tend to make you sleep through nightmares, which isn't nice at all.

When I need to meditate I'll usually listen to AMVs in my bed, or take long showers (usually in the dark). I find that soothing.

Exercise, even just walking, can help with anxiety.

Masturbation can milden anxiety too, but it can be really awkward too; I used to get an anxiety spike due to my traumas near orgasm, which made things really awkward.

this user heals. Good on you bro

I would do, but I can't attend classes like that because being around other people scares me too much, thanks for the advice though
That's what I was told, I'm just having difficulty figuring out what to do now since I have never really planned this far ahead
Most things like that are illegal here and I don't have the money or knowledge to buy them. I appreciate the help though
I have only recently started looking for help. I took a screenshot of everything you said though. Thanks
Thanks. I don't usually remember my dreams even when I wake up from a nightmare I forget it soon after, whenever I do remember my dreams though they aren't exactly pleasant. Thanks for the tip
I try to have about a 30 min long walk a day, I have to do it at night though because the amount of people there are during the day gives me panic attacks
I don't masturbate that often anymore, usually 2 or 3 times a week, it doesn't do much for me at this point, but could be my meds

I hope things turn out well for you.
I suggest that you find refuge in keeping company you find pleasant, people who would help you in your time of need and soothe you.

i was just taking a break from my usual shitposting to be sincere for two minutes. shocking on Yea Forums, isn't it? :)

I hatw to give bad advice...
...but youre gonna have to become/feel piwerful. By that i mean, go kick someones ass. Someone that deserves it..

a) Hell yeah. that's good. Shame that you ended up stopping. I would recommend if you can doing sets at home, push ups, sit ups, and squats, and following videos online of martial arts lessons could be a good replacement until you get more confident around people.

b)The military as a whole has a lot of non combative positions. One of the reasons it's worth looking into is cause it gives you a place to live, a fair pay, and covers future schooling. This could be nice if you are planning to not return to your dad's place and go out on your own. Instead of rushing to look for part time work and apartments you are giving somewhere to stay and cash off the bat. Also if there's anyone who knows about sending people to good therapists for ptsd it's the military.
Especially for non combative positions, having uni education can be a big plus and could give you a pretty nice paying job there right off the bat.
I'm personally also in a situation where I'm trying to get away from a particular setting and household asap and I've been considering em for a while.

I wish you godspeed with your current situation. I bet you will be on top of the world in no time. I'll be waiting there too. Go get em tiger. Your past can't hold you back for long.
Goodluck and godspeed.

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I wish there was more talk of Healing around here. God knows we all need it

(I'm the fellow PTSD European)
Man I can so relate to your paranoia >.< I'm always uncomfortable when I pass people in the street.

The craziest thing is, when you've been through shit like you and I have, that paranoia actually makes sense. It's still a phobia, and the fear is excessive, but it has a logical source.

Dang. Yeah I also take walks at night fairly often. I'm okay with taking walks daytime sometimes, but not always.

I also always bring my cell phone with amvs with me, and headphones that drowns out noise. Those help me mentally check out when I'm outside (especially when taking the bus etc which I'm starting to be able to do again). They also drown out drilling noises if I get triggered... plus people don't try to talk to you as much if you have headphones in your ears, even if the music is off.

Ah, ok. Well that makes sense. I didn't know you were on meds xD I hope they work ^^

I mentioned philosophy in my first post and remembered this afterward: Alain de Botton has done a series of short videos (like 10 min each) on how philosophy can be consoling and therapeutic. (This is similar to what a lot of ancient philosophers like Seneca thought.) I found them entertaining and often helpful. Link to vids (by "School of Life"--but written and narrated by Botton, himself a sort of pop-philosopher), delete the space after "com":

youtube.com /watch?v=VDiyQub6vpw&list=PLwxNMb28XmpeypJMHfNbJ4RAFkRtmAN3P

You're exactly right.

you should def. try shrooms or lsd. just once. it will open up your mind.

I exercise sometimes. I haven't made a habit out of it for a few months I'm planning to start again sometime this week
I can be ok with day time walks too, but I have to go to less populated areas. It makes it so that when I go clothes shopping or something I get a pit in my stomach and run away.
I also always need my headphones, they help me focus on something that isn't happening around me.
The meds are starting to make things easier for me, I'll have to wait and see how it goes
Took another screenshot, but the link is broken. Thanks
Maybe one day, I'm not in a rush or anything

I put a space after the "com" in my other post--here's the unbroken link to the Alain de Botton philosophy vids:

youtube.com/watch?v=VDiyQub6vpw&list=PLwxNMb28XmpeypJMHfNbJ4RAFkRtmAN3P

Dope
Don't forget. Don't skip core and legs
Keep the workout at regular intervals, If you can't go the the gym do sets at home.
Cardio is important
& try to avoid supplements unless you have something missing from your diet like a heavy lack of protein or a certain vitamin.

Ah okay.

Yeah, I get overwhelmed like that too sometimes :( Though I usually just avoid entering when I know I'm not having a good day.

*nods* I hope they continue to help... and that therapy combines well with them.

I know this is unlikely, but if you want you can save my throwaway email addy in case you'll want to talk at some point.

As for the YT link philosophy user posted, he added a space after "youtube.com" (to be able to post the link on Yea Forums), so to get the link to work you gotta delete that space, or just search for "PHILOSOPHY - Plato" on Youtube. It's a video from YT account "The School of Life".

Thanks, I'll watch it when the thread dies
I'll keep it in mind. Thanks
Thanks. I took a screenshot of it if I need it

Cool :)

I'll keep checking the thread til it disappers, but idk what to say anymore xD I'll reply if you wanna chat about something, if not, well. Take care.

I know one doesn't really feel strong when walking around terrified, but you actually are really strong.

The shit you've been through is worse than most people have had to deal with in their lives, and you're still standing.

You deserve to be happy :) I really wish you the best. Take care.

If you ever feel consumed by dark thoughts, remember I care about you, and many others do too, most likely including some you've never talked to, too.

Thanks for everything. I have run out of what to say as well if I'm honest. I wasn't expecting the thread to last so long, thanks for sticking around so long.

Everyone in the thread has helped me a lot. hank you everyone, I think I replied to everyone, sorry if I missed someone

Cheers
Goodluck
The once in a blue moon I step over to Yea Forums and I'm greeted with a thread this chill.

I don't come here that often either, usually when I just want to make a thread that doesn't really fit anywhere else