Nightly faded thread, part 2

I mean since I've discovered them from my dude, I just use them as a tool to get me fucked up for cheaper. I'm an alcoholic so occasionally I'll pop a couple of these and I don't need as much liquor to get me where I'm trying to get. First few times were a trip. Gotta let some time pass between uses, but in the long run it saves money.

what do u guys think about buying shit off the deep web?

do it soon since dream is about to close down soon.

yeah so ive heard
u ever do it?
think its to risky?

Any nausea yet? Opioid naive users usually experience nausea. 2 10mgs is a perfect starting dose for percs, IMO. It's what I always recommend and I use it myself quite often. Though obviously the more you use, the more you increase your tolerance, so if you really like it, do yourself a favor and keep it to once or twice a week, tops. You can totally function that way, hold down a job and a social life, avoid the horrible grip of addiction, and have the benefit of low tolerance so getting twisted costs less than the average user.

Pop that second one and embrace the warm hug from inside.

its not risky use a vendor that has been around awhile with a good rep, use escrow/multisig and order your shit.

Pretty similar in terms of treating anxiety. Completely eliminates social anxiety and makes you much more relaxed, talkative, and approachable in social scenarios.

Gaba is very similar to alcohol. They both bind to gaba receptors in your brain, so it's very similar to getting drunk and losing your inhibitions, but without any of the negative drawbacks of drinking like nausea, heartburn, etc...

wall st market it is
thanks Yea Forumsro wish me luck

you will be fine, just don't FE and double check your address before ordering. You will be good.

No idea. I don't fuck with that shit. I'm a real life d boy with heavy connections, so I don't have to look hard to find whatever it is people are asking me for.

I'd never trust ordering illegal shit on the internet, but that's just me. This shit isn't a game. People lose their lives and go to jail for long stretches over this shit, so I do everything I can to eliminate the risk. If I get caught it's the end of my life as I know it.

had some lean and a couple xanax but my tolerance is fucked, so just a mild buzz :/

Just curious in terms of sleepniess. I need something that makes me sleep. I have phobias and they stop me from doing things I want. I have gotten xanax and gaba. But have not taken them yet. Just looking for something to relax me enough to go to sleep. The xanax I have are .25 I heard I will need more than that to feel anything like .5

A bit but thankfuly not much. I plan on it being a monthy treet. My mom was spending close to 1000$ on pills so I don't want to go down that road

Definitely gotta let time pass before using them again otherwise you're wasting them. I've got a ton of experience with drugs but gaba is different from most drugs I know of in terms of how long it stays in your system. It's impossible to use it one night to get loaded and then do it again the next night or even 2-3 nights afterwards. Once that shit binds to your receptors it's there for a long ass time. I'm sure you know that by now. That's why the trips on gaba last so long too. I can drop like 5-8 grams (I'm a big dude at 6'7" and 220lbs) and that shit stays with me for like 8 hours. Takes an hour or two to come on, but once it hits it's with me most of the damn day.

I love dropping a couple grams early in the morning when I have nothing to do then just going on a hike or walking around in the park or something like that. Throw in a beer or two on the drive to the park and it's as peaceful as life gets for me.

Wish I had something to offer you on this but I really don't. I was discussing this exact subject with another b/ro on here last night, about how both of our minds are wired to basically be off all day but then kick in to overdrive the moment our head hits the pillow and it's time to sleep.

I've experimented with a ton of drugs to help facilitate my sleep with mixed results. Benzos like xans, klons, and ativan work really well but you build up a tolerance really quickly using them every night as a sleep aid. I was up to like 8mg a night just for sleep and I did that for like 4 months straight. When it was time to come off of them my life was almost ruined the withdrawal was so fucking bad.

Another thing we discussed was sleeping pills like ambien. My mom is an insomniac too as are others in my family, as were many in that b/ro's family. We pondered whether there might be a hereditary component at work for people like us.

My mom is on Ambien and has been for years for her insomnia, but she built a tolerance quick, as you always do when you're using chemicals to facilitate natural body actions on a daily basis. She gets 30 a month - 1 per night. Her tolerance is so high now that she takes like 5-6 a night, so a 30 day supply lasts her like a week tops and then she's back to insomnia again for the next 3 weeks until she re-ups her prescription.

Insomnia is a hell in and of itself. You can experiment with sleeping pills and benzos, but at best they're a temporary fix and at worst you could get a serious fucking addiction to those benzos and sentence yourself to the most hellish withdrawals known to man.

I was FUCKED for WEEKS coming off that shit. Heart palpitations, severe chest pain, paranoia, rebound anxiety that was 100X worse than my ordinary daily anxiety disorder. It was a nightmare.

how long did it take you to feel the effects of addiction? also were you increasing the dosage rapidly?

With benzos for sleep?

Well, I started on xans at .25 mgs for severe anxiety due to a medical condition I had at the time that was life threatening. I was on those for like a month and they did nothing for me. IDK if I was too big for them to affect me or what, but I took them back to my doc the following month and gave them back. I was like this shit sucks. It's doing nothing for me, so she kicked me up to 1mg xans and that was when it really started.

I was on the 1mg xans at 1 a night for sleep for a few months, but I started building a tolerance to them somewhere around the 2 month mark. I already knew she wouldn't up my dose anymore than that because she was really aware of the consequences of benzo addiction, so I knew I couldn't bring it up with her to up my dose, so I started doubling down on them on my own. 1 a night became 2 a night and my monthly supply only lasted 2 weeks at that point...

Continuing...

So the 2mgs a night lasted another month or so before they stopped doing shit and I started doing 3s. That's basically how all addiction goes. You get something that works wonders for you and it's blissful for a while, but then your body gets used to the shit and it starts requiring more and more to get the same effect.

In total, I was on xans for like 5 months before she tried weaning me off of them. I wasn't ready to come off of them because I still had this medical problem and a bunch of other shit in my life going wrong and I needed them as a crutch just to deal with all the shit on my plate.

Luckily, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I happened to come in to a score of 500 1mg ativans right around that time that I got gifted from a fellow drug dealer for some help I'd given him in the past.

So instead of weaning off of benzos like I was supposed to I started taking the ativans. Ativan is one of the weaker benzos and definitely weaker than xans, so my ativan equivalent dose of xans ended up being like 6mg a night. Then 6 became 8. That went on for several weeks until I was finally out of Ativan and had to face the inevitable and come off of them.

Unfortunately, I used them all up like a retard, so I couldn't wean myself off of them in a taper program like you're supposed to, so I had to quit them cold turkey and that's when all the shit started and my world collapsed for like a month.

oh fuck, thats what worries me with xanax. I hear longer than a week and it could be trouble.

Generally one week is looked at as the "hook point" when it comes to benzos. Especially xanax. It's incredibly powerful, fast acting, and super effective for treating a variety of ailments from sleep disorders to general anxiety.

Having gone through the withdrawals from them that I have, I can't recommend taking them regularly for sleep or anxiety. Once in a while is totally fine, but it's down to the person. You have to exercise extreme caution and not let the drug suck you in like it does so many others. Used recreationally or once in a while for sleep is totally fine. You just have to have the willpower to not let it become a regular habit. Once that happens you're setting yourself up for a nightmare unlike anything you've ever experienced.

I was paranoid for weeks. My anxiety was worse that it had ever been. I couldn't even go out in public sometimes. The chest pain, the anxiety, the craving. It was horrible. I was driving in my car about 3 days after I quit and I swear to god it felt like the whole world was crushing in on me. I almost had a panic attack ordering a goddamn Big Mac at McDonalds.

But I'm also an extreme case. Addicts aside, most people don't use benzos that often in that high an amount for that many months.

Where you at, my man?

Did the warmth of the percs drop you out of the world or what? Have you found a new love?

The gaba should help you sleep, BTW.

I definitely recommend trying it out. IDK your height and weight, but generally speaking, when I'm dealing with gaba naive people and turning them on to the bliss of being pentin'd out of your brain, I usually recommend a starting dose of 2 grams, but I deal with a TON of chicks too, so they're a lot smaller than we are. For a dude I'd probably say try dropping 3 grams. So like 5 600mg pills. Don't bother crushing them. They won't act faster if you snort, crush, smoke, or whatever. Just swallow them whole. They take a while to come on, but you'll know when they did.

Nobody else getting faded tonight?

I yea. Thought i hit reply but forgot to hit send. Feeling it man lol

i used 2mg xans for the first time this week and possibly my favorite drug, but because they’re super addictive does anyone have some advice on how many to take or how often to not become a fiend for them for example like 4mg a week at most or 4mg every other?

Hahaha. Nice. How are you liking it?

Personally I think it's the best feeling in the world. Just use responsibly and you'll be fine. Twice a week max. Don't let it get hold of you. I fucked around and got addicted to percs too after the benzos, but they were much easier for me to come off of and I can still fuck with them when I want without having to always go back.

I sell the majority of what I get too. That helps eliminate the risk of abusing them and it's really good for compensating for financial shit. Something breaks around the house and I need a grand to fix it or something and I can get that money in an hour or less.

So im a drug newbie but you guys seem experienced
How could i get into mdma? Im looking for a social drug and i think if i could get mdma that isnt cut with bath salts or crack or some shit then it would be good
Where could i buy, also how to stay safe and not start throwin up n shit as well

See some of my posts above about my experience with xans. They're very detailed. They're very dangerous because they's so fucking effective, but it's the worst addiction to come off of. Exercise extreme caution with those things, I'm telling you.

ya i read them lmao what would be a safe dose to not get fucked with addiction? i’m thinking maybe 2mg every other week

Wish I had something for you but I don't fuck with psychedelics at all. I can score them easily if I want to. I got a connect for shit like shrooms, MDMA, DMT, ecstasy, all that shit. But I'm terrified of it, TBH.

I have PTSD from some bad shit in my life and even weed sometimes trips me out super negatively and brings that PTSD to the surface. I'm afraid of psychedelics for that reason. I'd hate to drop some acid or do some MDMA and have a bad trip. I've seen one of those before and it was a horrifying experience.

Buying is difficult these days. Most dealers have their own circle and we keep it pretty limited. We look at newbies very suspiciously because cops are going undercover and doing raids all over the place where I'm at because of the opioid crackdown.

Best advice would be to reach out to somebody in your life you know who has done drugs like weed or whatever and ask them if they still have connects. The dealer may not sell to you directly if you find one. You may need your friend to go in your place if the dealer is smart. Lots of them are just dipshits who just sell to whoever though, so that's a possibility, but those assholes are always the first to get caught.

I play it smart. I've got 5 people I deal with as far as connects go. I barely even deal with customers anymore, I just supply the shit to those dealers, get my cut, and let them move it on the street. That limits my vulnerability and reduces the risk of me getting caught and ruining my life.

You think I'd be safe taking 2mg of xanax a week, maybe twice a week? Been doing that for a while now and I dont really have any w/d if I go longer than a week without taking it. Ideally I'd like to do twice a week but do you think thats pushing it even if I know I can keep it to twice? In terms of physical w/d and dependence.

Every other week sounds fine to me. 2mgs even sounds fine. You just have to build your constitution and commit to not letting it take control of you. That's a fine line to walk because those things are so fucking good, as you already know.

Just be strong and resolute about it and you can definitely dabble in pretty much any drug responsibly. Space it out. Never do opiates more than twice a week. Never do xans more than once a week. That kind of shit.

Think of them as treats or rewards to supplement your quality of life, not replace it.

Twice a week on xans is definitely pushing it IMO. That's how a lot of people I know got hooked. I'd say once a week, but if you wanna do twice, make sure you REALLY space it out. Never do 2 days in a row. Do like Monday and Friday. Put at least 4 days between the doses.

If you start building a tolerance and notice that 2mgs isn't doing it for you anymore, turn the fuck around and stop it. Trust me. You don't wanna go down that road.

Alright, thanks. Yeah I've been doing this for about 6 months now, not gonna lie sometimes, maybe every month or so I'll do it 2 or 3x a week and then go back to once a week, sometimes I'll take 1mg which is good for anti anxiety but it doesn't fuck me up, or 1.5mg. But I usually only smoke weed when I take xanax due to terribly anxiety and I've started to notice recently even at 2mg of Xanax I'll get some anxiety with weed, like the start of a panic attack but then it'll fade. That never happened before, I couldn't even take one hit of pot without anxiety but when I started with the xans I could smoke 2 or 3 blunts back to back and be totally calm and enjoy it. I might take a break to regain tolerance and keep it strictly at 2mg a week. How long of a break you think I should take? Thanks man I really appreciate it.

Bad trip on MDMA? I don't think this is possible unless it's cut with some horrible shit

Anyone got a good source on rc shippers for USA? Getting fpheni Friday but want something for next week. Also can I snort fphenibut?

You can definitely use any drug recreationally if you have the constitution for it. I'm just saying be careful man. I've done a LOT of drugs in my day. I deal and use frequently, but nothing has ever compared to the nightmare of coming off of long-term xanax use.

Break wise I'd say take a month or two off. That's what I always do when I start noticing the percs aren't hitting me the same anymore. One month is usually enough with percs. IDK about xans because I went full bore with those motherfuckers and never took a break, and that's what fucked me.

Take a month off and see if it helps. Try drinking a little more when you want xans or smoke more weed. Gabapentin is great too if you can get your hands on some.

Just use responsibly and mix it up. When you get too tolerant to one drug take it out of your life for a while and use some other shit while you're recovering your tolerance. Then switch back. Rinse and repeat and you can be fine.

Like I said - I have no idea, bro. I'm too terrified to try that shit. I've been though a LOT of horrifying shit in my life. Lots of death and trauma. Definitely a lot more than the average person, and I went though a ton of it when I was really young. It fucked me up enough to get me diagnosed with PTSD and I sometimes wake up in cold sweats just swinging fists.

I'm terrified of psychedelics because of that. I'd hate to have a bad trip on any of them and have some of that trauma bubble up, y'know?

At the same time, I'm very curious to try them. I've always wanted to. I cultivated shrooms and sold them in high school but never took them myself. Things like shrooms and peyote really interest me. MDMA I might try. Same with DMT. I'd never touch acid because I know a dude who did it and it fucked him for life. Probably a rare instance, but it definitely happened. Completely switched his personality in one dose he went from the chillest dude ever to a really violent, terrifying asshole and he's never come back from that.

I’ve been around, done some high qualities of psychoactive substances, in quantity. But benzos and opioids are real garbage, yea, they could be fun for a few hours... but let’s be honest, they are schwag in the grand scheme. I’d rather read books and learn something than piss away my time, uselessly.

No doubt. Shits gonna be tough because I have a few sticks left but I'll deal with it. Probably gonna stop weed altogether because it just makes me anxious at this point.

Might as well go sober for a bit, maybe a month or two like you said and then figure shit out from there.

I like to use Xanax honestly to just relax for 4 hours once a week. It's like my escape. I have a script for a low dose of Xanax (I get my bars separately) but even though I like xans I wouldn't wanna be on them everyday or go through horrible withdrawal. Doesn't seem worth it in the slightest.

Appreciate the help, have a good night dude

I've never messed with hallucinogens for a similar reason, I know I'd end up having a bad trip because my mind is nearly always focused on negative thoughts. MDMA should be OK though, you might feel a bit shit for a couple days afterwards but nothing a few beers won't get you through. I did a lot of raving to jungle/dnb through the 90s and 00s and I've never seen anyone have a bad time on E.

Weed is so hit or miss with me. I've had great trips on it and I've had some of the worst times of my life on it. IDK what it is. I don't know much about weed to be honest. I don't deal it and I never really got in to it. I've smoked it probably 50 times in my life thus far, always when offered by friends or friends of friends.

I know there are different strains like indica and sativa, but I know fuck all about them. I just know that when I smoke weed it's like 50/50 rolling the dice. Either I'm gonna chill and have a great time laughing my ass off, or it's going to make me paranoid as fuck and I end up analyzing every decision I've ever made in my life, even the most minor shit and obsessing on where I went wrong, or what could've happened if I did X instead of Y. It's super negative and it lasts for hours and I just want out.

>But benzos and opioids are real garbage

Blasphemy. Opioids and opiates are the best drug on the planet IMO, but to each his own. More for me.

>I know I'd end up having a bad trip because my mind is nearly always focused on negative thoughts

Fucking nailed it. I'm terrified of that. I'm a very nice person to other people. I'm super empathetic and understanding and I do my best to treat everybody with respect and as an individual, but when it comes to myself I have such a negative perception of myself. Some days I can't even stand to look in the mirror. IDK what it is. I've been diagnosed clinically with chronic depression, social anxiety, and PTSD. So it's a whole basket of shit that I do my best to suppress, but I feel like psychedelics would force me to confront all that shit and I don't know if I'd be able to. It could be super helpful and finally get these demons off my back, or it could be fucking horrible and make me feel a million times worse about myself.

It's a risk I'm too cowardly to take.

Cursed image guy from last thread finally got my weed

Attached: IMG_20190411_015335.jpg (288x352, 41K)

Also more for all those authors you probably love. Most of the best writers in history were opiate and opium addicts.

Dig the sunglasses.

Addiction psych trainee here (doctor).

Here's some random tips after reading this thread. No quotes but you'll know who you are.

There is absolutely no ceiling on tolerance for benzodiazepines. The only limit is your access to the pills. And the tolerance goes to crazy levels. I've had people slamming 18mg of alprazolam a day before (Xanax) and they were totally fucked trying to come off it. Benzo withdrawal is one of the potentially fatal withdrawals. Anything that touches GABA receptors can be. That's alcohol, benzos, z-drugs (Ambien/Stilnox and lunesta), GHB, Gabapentinoids (pregabalin and gabapentin), Baclofen, barbiturates and volatile inhalants (glue, hydrocarbons/paint, toluene).

Potentially fatal because your seizure threshold is drastically lowered coming off them too fast. It takes days to weeks to reset. You can have a fatal seizure, or a seizure causing significant brain damage. My Xanax patient got significant brain damage trying to detox himself.

Watch out for Ambien. It's zolpidem and it absolutely acts on GABA receptors. The drug companies spun some bullshit about it acting in a novel way to differentiate them from traditional benzos but make no mistake you are on the same receptors.

Also to conceptualise how potent alprazolam is, a 2mg bar of Xanax is roughly equivalent to 40mg of diazepam. That's 8 tablets of Valium. A bottle of 50 tablets only has 250mg in it total, and my guy before was taking 360mg diazepam equivalence with his Xanax.

There is no ceiling. Watch out. There are some good multi-week tapering schedules over at benzo dt org dt uk under the Ashton manual, chapter 2 slow schedules.

Yup, been smoking daily for about 2 and a half years now. I've always had anxiety and paranoia and for the first year or so weed was great as an escape.

After smoking weed during the come down of a psychedelic trip I got my very first legit panic attack. Weeds been completely ruined for me. Never been the same after that honestly.

Xanax was the only thing that helped me feel normal, like back to who I was before then but I cant take it everyday. Shit sucks. Funnily enough the trip was great until I smoked during the last part of it.

I'll probably never feel normal again honestly. My plan is to just have that escape every so often so I dont an hero. Weed can really fucking suck depending. Its def not for everyone.

This is a great contribution and I sincerely thank you for it. IDK if you view me as an enemy being a user and a dealer, but I really appreciate and value the jobs that people like you do in regards to addiction treatment. You're unsung heroes.

I don't get the gaba withdrawals though. I've read and heard about them plenty, but I've been abusing them for like 3 years now and I get no withdrawals whatsoever when I'm out of them. They're a weird drug. You can't get high on them successive days in a row so I don't know how people can get so hooked on them that they withdrawal. I guess the just say fuck it and use every day or something? But that's such a waste because even in high doses (5-10 grams a pop) you can't get that buzzed feeling again until it clears your system in a few days.

I have heard the withdrawals are hellish though. Comparable to benzo withdrawal but, again, I don't understand how people get that hooked on them when your body needs several days to clear it before you can feel it again. Using every day is just wasting the high.

Shit man, where to begin

Tried every stimulant and depressant i could get my hands on in my early 20s and settled on opiates, got hooked and started my 6 years binge, mostly absurd ammounts of tramadol, lets say 96ml bottle for 2-3 days every day, other opiates just not to get into withdrawal when my usual source got delayed, fast forward to november last year i hit the rock bottom and decided to stop, I just stopped cold turkey and went trough absolute hell, every withdrawall effect people talked about anywhere doubled felt by every living cell in me, it lasted almost 3 weeks before shit got slightly better (first 10 days no sleep at all, not even one second, constant visual hallucinations, holes in memory), almost 5 months later and i still have really bad days when i feel like i'm all over on day 10.

tldr; dont binge kids.

I feel this on multiple levels. My story is different but the feeling is the same. I lost a lot of people I really loved in a very short span of time. 7 people in 3 years. Then I had serious health issues (cancer) at 22 and had a recurrence of the cancer at 26. The treatment for is saved my life but really fucked me up physically and mentally.

I feel like the person I was died on the operating table. I've been a ghost inhabiting my body ever since and nothing can fix me, so I'm filling the holes with drugs and escapism.

If the cancer comes back a 3rd time I'm getting drugged up and hanging myself. I can't do it again. The first 2 times took everything I had and left me with nothing.

I'm sorry user, that's brutal. Not that I wish ill on anyone or would want anyone to feel the same, its comforting to know others are out there in similar predicaments.

For me everything I've went through was brought on by me being a horrible person. I'm not gonna die with a clear conscience. I think what I'm going through now is my punishment. Even if its just me punishing myself I'm never gonna let it go.

Wish you all the best dude, we're all gonna face the void in the end.

Wishing you all the luck in the world, man. Kicking drugs when you're addicted is super hard. I've been addicted to benzos and opiates and have gone through the withdrawls for both, so I feel your pain.

My problem is what I talked about here I kicked all drug use back in October. I hoped that kicking drug use would make me feel better and I could get back to being the person I used to be, so I stayed off of everything, even booze and sugar for 6 months.

Unfortunately, nothing changed. I'm still the same fucked up hollow shell of the person I used to be, so I started using again this month. Not heavily. I'm not trying to fuck around and get a serious addiction again, but I need something to make me FEEL again and, right now, drugs are all that works. Opiates and opioids in particular.

If I didn't have that escape I'm positive I would hang myself with my belt. It's super depressing. I kicked those habits and struggled my ass off for 6 months to try to get back to being me and I'm still the same fucked up broken toy that I was when I was using.

It's cool, man. I appreciate the sympathy. My life just went to shit basically as soon as I became a legal adult. Best friends dying in car wrecks, girlfriend of 5 years I was gonna propose to cheating on me, the deaths of my father, 3 uncles, my aunt, my grandmother, and my mom getting colon cancer and nearly dying. Then I got lymphoma like a fucking faggot and that basically ruined my quality of life physically and mentally.

It's comforting to know that others are struggling too. I can't even make friends anymore because once people find out I've nearly died of cancer twice they either distance themselves completely because nobody wants to get close to somebody who might die in a few years, or they treat me like a fragile child and pity me.

I was a horrible human being too. Super sarcastic. Sharp tongue and quick witted with a chip on my shoulder. I hurt a lot of people with the shit that I said that nobody else had the guts to.

Getting cancer changed all that. I watched a 7 year old boy die of brain cancer while I was in treatment. I saw his parents completely broken in a single moment. I saw another guy in his 40s literally drop dead at my feet from an allergic reaction to the chemotherapy on his very first dose. Right infront of his wife. He fell out of his chair at my feet brain dead. I can still hear that woman's shrieks of horror in my dreams sometimes. It's part of my PTSD. I get jumpy if people touch me.

Ever since then I've done my best to be the most caring, empathetic, giving person I possibly can. I don't give a single shit about myself anymore, but i care greatly about others. Especially people who are suffering.

I'm a total contradiction. I sell drugs that ruin people's lives to supplement my income, but I also donate a shitload of money to charities like shark preservation and St. Judes.

I'd volunteer at a homeless shelter or animal shelter if my body wasn't so fucked from the 48 doses of chemotherapy.

Reading this over, I apologize if I brought anybody down. I don't want any pity or to make anybody feel bad or ruin their buzz. I'll never be okay with how my life played out, but my goal now is basically to do as much good for others as I possibly can with whatever time I have left.

Don't feel bad for me or let it ruin your buzz. You guys are the best and one of my only real outlets in life. I love getting fucked up and having deep conversations with all of you. Life is such a crazy ride and I really enjoy hearing about everybody else's. It's a great way to build empathy. You never know what another person has been through and being kind costs nothing.

It doesn't sound like you're a shit person, you just got dealt a really bad hand. But I don't know you I can't say that for sure. I'm pretty sure most of us have done things we're completely ashamed of.

That's horrible what you went through and witnessed, my condolences. Shit like that definitely changes you, seeing how fragile life really is. My father is currently dying of cancer, stage 4. Not sure how long he's got but I spent my life being careless and that changes you when life hits you in the face.

It scares me how fragile things are, It's fucking upsetting to me how easily things turn to shit. It has made me more empathetic but I also get angry, at existence. Its weird, I don't know how to fully describe it. Sometimes I'm just angry that I'm alive and apart of this world.

But we got no choice right? I guess what I've realized and sounds like what you have too is the best thing to do in life is to just help others. Its the most rewarding. We rely on that to feel good and survive.

I would've called myself a faggot years ago for saying that but it took me being horrible to realize that is not how to act, how things you do can fuck people up for life.

We cant go back, I cant erase what I've done and I might always be a horrible person but the only thing I can do from now on is to be good and be compassionate to others.

I'm afraid of everything man, I cant handle the reality I'm in and it scares me so I tricked myself into thinking its not real. I have pretty severe derealization/depersonalization.

I dont really know what the answer to anything is. I guess small moments of happiness in life and making others lives a little better is all we can really do now until we die.

I really hope theres something after this, man. I want another chance at existence. Godspeed user

Best of luck to you. I'm also in chemo, for stage 3C colon cancer. So far tolerating it well, but I expect this will kill me in the next couple years.

Fuck, man. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Cancer is such a ruthless, heartbreaking disease. It's what took my dad, too. Stage 4. They weren't even sure what kind it was because it was everywhere. He had like 50 nodules on his liver and a ton of it in his colon and stomach. I was never close with him. He was super abusive growing up and beat the shit out of me regularly over the most minor shit, but I still felt so horrible and heartbroken watching him wither away like that. He looked like a mummy at the end and the death mask of his face after he passed is burned in to my brain forever. His last words to me were : "I guess I really am dying if you came to see me."

Seeing how fragile life really is up close and personal definitely changes you forever, and it's something nobody else really understands unless they've been through it themselves because most people are completely ignorant to it and just go about life like it's never going to end.

I get the anger too. I've broken so much furniture and punched so many holes in walls and doors in my house it's ridiculous.

Helping other people is the only thing in life besides drugs that makes me feel anything anymore. I know a tattoo artist who loves 'Goosebumps' and has a tattoo of it. He grew up reading them like I did, and I happened to have a bunch of duplicates of my collection, so I boxed them up and gave them to him and it made his fucking week. He lit up so much flipping through those things.

It made me feel so good and it was such a small thing. That's a better high than drugs even. Another for me used to be art. I was heavy in to painting and drawing before I got cancer and the thrill of creating something like a painting I liked or whatever always made me feel so amazing. Better that drugs. But the chemotherapy for my cancer gave me nerve damage for life in my hands, so now I can't create anything anymore.

So since I can't create or express myself that way anymore...

So now I get that rush from opiates. So helping people however I can and doing drugs are basically my only outlets for feeling anything anymore. Cancer robs you of everything. They don't tell you any of that shit when they're prepping you for treatment. They just gloss over it like "yeah, you might get nerve damage or memory problems, but it should go away", so you think it's nothing, but then it happens and you're like WHY DIDN'T WE TALK ABOUT THAT MORE!?

It's so hard to adjust to life again even when you survive it.

I'm really sorry you're so afraid of everything. I don't believe in the afterlife but I really hope the Buddhists are right. I'd like to get another shot at this shit with a better hand of cards next time. If not then I guess it won't matter anyway.

Sending you real love right now, man. I'm so glad you stopped in to my thread to chat with me for the night. Whatever you did in the past doesn't matter anymore. You realize now that it's all about giving and making life better for others as best as you can. That's a big revelation and something I don't think most people wake up to during this crazy ride.

Before and during my binge I was really witty, quick thinking, sure of myself to the point of arrogance, there was no task big enough to scare me, there was nothing complicated enough for me to learn, When i stopped (and after withdrawal stopped completely) i went trough PAWS - enormous mood swings, suddent suicidal thoughts almost daily, feeling of emptiness, pointlessness of life, sudden urges to run away and die in the most lonely and remote ditch i could find because simplest things would overwhelm me, suddent crying outbursts during random moments of my normal day routine out of nowhere, I lost interest in every hobby i used to love and invest all my time and money in, I endrured all this by doing one simple thing i did while on withdrawal, clear my mind, stop everything i'm doing and just dont act on my feelings, wait for it to pass, sometimes it would go away instantly and sometimes shit would stick for days. Biggest motivation came around month 3-4 afair, I just woke up one day and regained myself for a weekend, I was feeling back to normal with every aspect of my old life, started to tinker around my old projects, I met with my friends, fooled around and shit, that gave me the "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling i think about when i'm down again, there is old me trapped in there and I will regain control one day.

Afaik benzos are at another level when PAWS kicks in, everything is much worse, every down moment is exponentially lower than any other drug, every feeling is stronger and lasts longer so kicking that habit AND opiates seems unimaginable for me. I really truly feel for you man and wish you get to your breakthrough moment eventually. After you realize there is still old you underneath all this shit it gets way easier. I also wanted to say something about you using again but then I imagined you feeling down for so long without any up moments I think I would also start using again just not to end it all.

You can beat this, man. I'm with you 100%. You have the exact cancer and stage that my mother had. We thought she was a goner. They took 12 inches out of her colon that had tumors all through it and she did all the chemo.

That was 6 years ago and she's completely clean now and has been since. We really thought she was dead but she's doing better not than ever. She stopped drinking alcohol too.

I have SO much cancer experience from my own battles plus my dad's, my mom's, and 2 uncles. I've spent so much time in chemo wards and the ICU it's ridiculous. I know all about it. I had 7 blood transfusions, 48 rounds of chemotherapy, 19 days in ICU, 3 major operations, another 21 days in a regular hospital room. I know all about the drugs like cisplatin, etoposide, fluorouracil - All that shit.

I hope you have a great oncologist overseeing your treatment. If you have any questions about my experiences I'd be more than happy to answer them. I spend a lot of time on cancer forums coaching and preparing newly diagnosed patients and letting them know what to look for in terms of side effects and shit. Give them tips on maximizing your calories when everything tastes like rusted metal and you're vomiting your guts out.

Sending love your way too, user. I feel really deeply for you right now, and I believe you can beat it. The most important thing I can say to you is to not expect to be the same person afterwards. Even when you win the battle it takes a shitload out of you. You can try to be prepared for it, but it will hit you like a ton of bricks eventually.

There's all kinds of treatment and support for current cancer patients but there's no support system or support for people who survived but have been completely changed or ruined by the treatments. That's what I try to do with my volunteering online.

On the menu tonight was 15 mg Adderall, 2 cans cheap beer, 5 grams Green Kratom, 3-4 grams Red Kratom, and a coffee

>Started the evening with an iced coffee to start up the engines
>Take half a 20 mg pills of Adderall a bit later (prescribed 2 pills a day; take 1 every other day to avoid high tolerance)
>Take 5 mg about 2 hours later
>Take 5 grams Kratom (Green) alongside the quarter to smooth comedown
>About 2.5 hours later, drink 2 cans cheap beer
>Take 3-4 grams Kratom (Red) before bed

>You have to exercise extreme caution and not let the drug suck you in like it does so many others.
Interesting, as for me I've been sucked into marijuana, alcohol, and opiates. Never had a streak of benzos. Could go on and off them at will with no issues. Opiates i'd want every few hours for eternity, but if benzos got me to sleep or relax i never needed more.

I hear you man, I'm sorry. My father was absent most of my life and started to be a real dad to me over the last 2 years or so, and now he's gonna be gone. I don't really think about it because when I do I get sick. He has that mummified look to him now. His skin is just wrapped around his skeleton. Its terrible.

But I know the day is gonna come where I'm gonna have to face it. That's sweet what you did for the tattoo artist. I wanna see if I can do something like that for someone too.

I rarely ever come on Yea Forums anymore and almost never post anything. But this conversation was great. I'll remember it. I think I need to focus less internally and more externally and what I can do to make someone else feel good. That's the only way i'll have any semblance of happiness.

That's terrible about your hands dude. I don't even know what to say, that's just fucked up. I hope you find another outlet that you'll enjoy.
I appreciate it dude. I'm glad I stopped in this thread too. I agree about the Buddhists lol, better than the christian idea of the afterlife lol.

I appreciate the kind words. I hope things get better man, I think we're gonna be alright. Whatever that means haha. All the love bro, take it easy.

Jesus Christ this hits home. Especially the losing interest in all the things you used to love. I used to be so creative and in to so many different things from art and photography to video games, cinematography and video editing, graphic design, I was training to be a tattoo artist, etc...

I lost my love for all of that shit after I got off that operating table. None of it means shit to me anymore and I can't figure out why. Sometimes I try to force myself to do the things I loved like going out and taking photos and playing a new video game, but 10 minutes or less and I'm just done. It doesn't matter and it doesn't make me feel anything. It makes me feel worse even, because I can't get back to that place where I loved that stuff.

I also have those moments where I wake up one day and everything feels normal and I'm me again. I'll enjoy things. I'll laugh. I'll be outgoing and fun like I used to be. But those days never last long. My chronic depression always creeps back up, so I'll get like 2-3 days like that where everything is great again, but then I'm right back in the hellish hole of depression and self-loathing again shortly after, and those episodes last WAY longer than the moments I feel okay. I"ll get like 2-3 good days and then be severely depressed and feel nothing again for months.

Also to add to my post, I'll keep a lookout for your threads.

I'll definitely be back again.

>Opiates i'd want every few hours for eternity

This is my idea of heaven, if it exists. I have to be super careful with them, though. I've been addicted to them too much, so I'm much more careful with them now.

TS TIME TO JOIN THE ONE AND ONLY OUTLAWED DISCORD SERVER TO BE MENTIONED ON Yea Forums BECAUSE IT IS SO DAMN EPIC STYLE

discord.
gg/xwXJWF

Bx01

methadone was simultaneously the best and worst ive ever had.

Made for the longest highs, and controlled the pain for endless hours. Bad side was sleep was extremely erratic and i'd be up for 30 hours and then crash for 18.

I generally prefer the mellower high that isn't as pronounced, but lasts longer to the extreme heroin high that dies faster.

I'm REALLY glad you stopped by, dude. It's so rare to have a great conversation around here now. It's all nudes, politics, and loli bullshit. This conversation has meant so much to me too and I swear on my life that I will remember you and this night we talked about our problems. IDK what kind of support system you have IRL, but I hope you have somebody to turn to when the day comes that your dad dies. I didn't because nobody wants to be friends with a cancer patient, so I internalized everything. He was horrible to me my whole life and ridiculed everything I ever expressed interest in. He beat the shit out of me regularly when he was drunk. I hated him my whole life until he was dying. Then none of it mattered anymore. He was a man in severe pain, suffering and dying, and it just broke something in me. The 3 days I spent with him when he was dying were the best days we ever had together. How fucked up is that? It was the only time he ever told me that he loved me too. I had to go in the bathroom and break down in solitude.

Love you, dude. You're a real one and I wish nothing but the best for you. Thank you SO much for dropping in on me tonight. I'm around semi-regularly. You can find me in drug threads if you need me. Just call me the Virginia cancer user.

Agreed man. I do have people to turn to thankfully and I appreciate you asking and being concerned about that. I feel that dude about your dad. Its bittersweet. At that point nothing else mattered but his pain, and you were there for him as his son. That's the same position I'm in with my father.

It's fucked up that those were the only good moments with your father at that terrible point but I think you both needed that. That's just pure compassion. Everyone should have someone there for them at their worst, especially facing death and the unknown. I think it was a good thing in the end, although the experience was horrible and I'm so sorry for that.

Love ya too man I'll be around. I'm the NY dad cancer user lmao. All the best man, truly. I'll see you around.

A few years ago my dog got an rx to xanax so I decided to try it out, I didn't feel a thing so I took one more. After that I ended up blacking out for 3-5 days and afterwards the entire fucking bottle was gone.

How lucky am I to be alive? I'm usually much more careful with drugs but I've never blacked out that hard before.

I used to do all kinds of drugs from age 12 to age 26, except for crystal meth and street heroin, but everything else I've done. Opiates and weed are my favorite.

I got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was 26 and I've spent 11 months in a mental hospital. Got clean in there and were send off to assisted living where I am right now, 28 now.

I've tried to smoke weed again because I like it so much but instantly started hearing voices and got paranoid again so I stopped trying. Other drugs like MDMA or amphetamine have no effect on me due to the meds.

Guess my drug career is over, but thats ok, I've had lots of fun. Currently looking for a job, first time I do this in 6 years.

Nothing but love, my brother. It sounds like there's not much you can do for your dad at this point to save him, so obviously you wanna spend as much time with him as you can. It's definitely bittersweet like you said since you're in the same position I was in. I survived it and you will too. Just leave the bullshit behind and be a human being and a son to him. Almost everybody deserves that kind of love, presence, and compassion at the end. Death is terrifying.

There was a point during my first bout with cancer when I was in the ICU and my doctors and nurses thought I was going to die. They didn't tell me that, but you can tell by how they change the way they treat you. A fucking priest even came by to talk to me. I'm 6'7" and I weighed 140lbs at that point and could barely even walk.

Priest dude came in and I just sent him away. I'm an atheist and I was just like "don't believe it, dude. go talk to somebody who you can reach."

I felt death that night. Something changed in me and all of my fear of death just went away in an instant. It was so weird. I accepted the fact that I was going to die that night, hit my morphine pump (had a collapsed lung too), and I just let go like "fuck it, I don't care anymore."

It was a real trip when I woke up the next morning. Kinda pissed me off, TBH. I wanted out and I was tired of the suffering.

7 years, another 28 doses of chemo, a major surgery, and about a billion CT scans later and here I am, still trying to find that part of me I lost. I'm desperate for that breakthrough moment and I just don't know if it's ever going to come. I want it to so bad but it's been years of waiting for it to happen and when you have nothing left in your life that generates happiness drugs are a really appealing escape.

whatever all you FAGGOTS decide to do, stay the fuck away from my car stereo, alright?

You got super lucky. Benzos cause respiratory depression even in low doses. If you had mixed it with alcohol you'd definitely be dead. Those are two things you NEVER fuck with together unless you have a death wish.

Pretty normal to black the fuck out on xans and not remember shit afterwards too. That's why people love 'em. You might end up doing some really dumb shit though, so be careful

I'm the doctor again. Still lurking. What meds you on for scz? I can probably explain why those particular recreational drugs aren't working.

Doctor. Funny thing about benzos and respiratory depression is that generally speaking if you are only on one benzo, no matter the dose you'll probably never totally knock off your respiratory drive. This is why doctors ask you if you took anything else because even adding in one other benzo or an alcohol ramps up lethality massively. They tend to have a synergistic effect on respiratory depression.

This is so wholesome. I love it. Great job on getting yourself clean. I'm glad it seems to be working for you. I was hoping it would do the same for me but I still felt like a bag of shit 6 months clean, so I figured fuck it and went back but doing it more responsibly and spacing it out to avoid that pitfall again.

My uncle had paranoid schizophrenia. He did some really fucked up shit when he'd go off his meds, like the time he intentionally burned his house down and almost caused a block fire when we lived in Philly. The neighbors wanted his fucking head.

He was great on his meds, though. They worked so well for him and I'm glad to hear they're doing the same for you. Keep plodding on, man. Your happiness is out there somewhere. That's what we're all trying to find.

No worries there. I've never been that type of user and I don't hang with people like that either. I won't deal to people with problems like that because I feel like a total shitbag when I do. Dealing drugs isn't a very moral thing to do, but I do my best to do it ethically and take care of the people I deal with.

Those motherfuckers who break in to cars, steal shit from stores, get warrants and failures to appear - Fuck all that. They generate way too much chaos and bring too much light to my operation.

is it safe to buy drugs off the deep web.? How do i even know they are drugs.?

Any input on all of my shit? The cancer guy with all the drug use, PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc???

I'd love to hear a professional opinion on this because while my doctors are incredible with treating my cancer and monitoring my progress, they really fucking suck and understanding my issues. I'm expected to be super happy and content because I "beat" cancer twice, but nobody wants to acknowledge how much damage it's done to me.

how do i know if my acid is actually lsd or some other nbome type thing? are there giveaway symptoms? it seems legit to me / enjoy it regardless just curious

Bitterness is one of the best ways to tell
If it's bitter it's a spitter, I wouldn't fuck with RCs

I would never fuck with buying drugs from the web. I don't trust doing anything illegal online.

The only thing I can safely recommend regarding drugs online is to go on etsy and buy a psilocybin mushroom spore. They're totally legal to buy because it's just a spore print for micrology.

Once you have the spore print you can get it to shed and inoculate some sterile soil and grow your own psychoactive shrooms for personal use. They're super easy to grow and very easily obtained even online for mycology.

I did that in high school but I never fucked with them personally for reasons already stated. Psychedelics scare the shit out of me with all of my issues.

Still here, kinda fading out a bit. But lurking for a little more. I'm glad you didn't die dude. Seriously. I've heard when people come face to face with death its when they accept it and no longer fear it.

That comforts me. Death is probably the number one thing I fear. When my time comes I hope I'm not afraid to enter the void. I'm not sure there is ever a single moment, maybe just a pattern or routine of actions that you look back on and say oh, that's what the right thing is all along. Not sure how to articulate my thoughts that well haha.

https:\\discordapp.com\invite\vvftDyy

--v

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>I've heard when people come face to face with death its when they accept it and no longer fear it.

I can vouch for that 100%. I was so fucking afraid of it but when it was finally there looming over me all that fear just left. I was just done. I was resigned to die that night and I was totally fine with it. The fucked up part is that I survived it and now the fear of death is back again. It's so fucking weird. When I was staring it right in the face it was fine, but now that I'm not anymore I'm back to being horrified by my mortality. I wish I could've kept that lack of fear. I think it would've made my struggle a little easier.

When your time comes you won't be afraid, trust me. There's nothing you can do so you just accept it. It's super chill and almost like being on benzos or something - That feeling where everything is okay and you'll be fine.

Don't worry about fading. I am too. That's what the thread was for. I'm stoked that I got to have such a great conversation with you and everybody else tonight. I'll probably nod off here in half an hour or so.

>It's super chill and almost like being on benzos or something - That feeling where everything is okay and you'll be fine.

That makes me feel better. A big part of my fear is I'm afraid to relinquish control. But when you accept that in the grand scheme of things you don't have control over anything you're able to let go. It's freeing I guess.

Absolutely freeing. In a weird way it was one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. The problem is that I couldn't hold on to it after I made it to the safe zone. So once I recovered ( took 11 months and I was still severely damaged for life with pain and whatnot) the fear of death almost immediately came back. I wanted to hold on to that so bad because mortality is my biggest fear and my anxiety would be a lot more chill if I could just accept it but I can't.

Some writer had a famous quote I saw one time that really hit home for me and it sticks with me to this day. I'll probably mangle the quote, but to paraphrase it it went something like this...

"Every person dies two deaths. Once when they physically leave their bodies and once when their name is spoken for the last time."

That last part haunts me even worse than dying itself. The fact that not only will I die, but none of it will matter afterwards. One day after I'm gone somebody will speak my name or think of me for the very last time, and then everything I am, all of my love, interests, good deeds, bad deeds, fears - Everything that makes me ME will be gone forever and I'll be lost to history.

That is fucking terrifying.

Yeah, I've heard that quote before. I like to think of it this way though, even though all of that may be true, no one knowing who you are, all of us have a big impact based on our actions.

Like the butterfly effect for example. You can show kindness or impact their lives in a meaningful way changing the way they interact with others and it just goes on and on from there man..

Like its endless. People might not know who you are or what you did but the effects will be felt until the end of time, even in the most minuscule of ways. Reality is insane.

OP here. I'm dipping out for the night. The sun is coming up soon and I hate trying to sleep with all those faggot birds chirping and the sun coming in my house.

In closing I'd like to thank all of you for dropping by and hanging out with me for the night. We had an amazing chain of conversation and I'll definitely remember it for the rest of my life. I will use it as fuel to do better and be kinder.

Wish I could've got that psych trainee's opinion on how fucked up my existence is and maybe some revelations on why I'm so ruined, but I guess that's too Hollywood ending type shit where I figure out what it is and recover who I used to be or whatever.

I'm around semi-regularly. I usually create my own threads about drugs/getting faded, unless there's one already up which I'll be in that instead.

I am the Virginia cancer drug loser who will eventually rope. I hope to talk to all of you more in the coming nights. I'm getting a shit ton of percocet on Friday, so I'll definitely be here that night.

Love you all. I sincerely hope life gets better for all of you. We're all in this fucked up struggle together and the world would be a much better place if everybody would just stop for a moment and realize that.

Happy fades, fellow anons.

I love and hate coke

nn op

> I dropped 9 grams of gaba to get me through the night.

Literally going to kill yourself when that shit wears off if you don't have an alternative. I took like 40mg of Adderall and felt FULLY alert, awake, yet I felt like nothing could ever possibly be enjoyable. Doing anything would've ruined whatever I did. Never felt that bad for no reason ever.