ITT we work in an office

Meanwhile, in Michael's office

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Not more of that diversity and inclusion crap...

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sorry, that was me

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I did faggot. What are you gunna do about it

Ki yourself dave

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Can we bring beers?

Can someone help Miriam with her computer she doesn't know how to open Internet explorer

Did ya try restarting it?

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God I’m fucking hungover, hope no notices... oh great Kathy is working today, stupid fucking cunt.

Did you guys see Melissa is wearing a thong? God she has such a great ass. Her boyfriend Greg is such a tool.

What a beautiful day to work in the world trade center

Hey guys can I see your cards?

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I'm gonna fuck the midget in accounting later. Who wants to join?

e-excuse me, but i believe you have my stapler.

It's a bird!

Its a plane!

Who made 350 copies of the TPS report without cleaning the fucking scanner bed? Seriously, ya'll bitch and moan about lines and spots in your copies, but don't stop to think that a) maybe you should use a quality source document and b) CHECK AND CLEAN THE FUCKING SCANNER BED. If there is dirt, cunt/nut hairs, and/or donut crumbs on the scanner glass, then you will get a shitty copy! MIND. FUCKING. BLOWN.

Its...literally a plane. fuck

who ate my lunch?

My name is Bill and I'm looking for a job in Accounts.

Can someone call a janitor to the 6th floor, South side of the building? I'm kinda lonely

I reported you to HR for creating a hostile work environment.

Fuck you Tony. I fucked your wife last night. Suck a fucking cock, faggot

Accounting? Accounts payable? Accounts receivable? Sure Bud we'll consider you.
*Puts Resume in the trash when you leave*

Reported to HR

I reported you to HR for being a faggot

Hello goyim my name is Max Goldsteinberg and I'm here to apply for a job in money

I turned in my notice 13 days ago, and have already secured a significantly better-compensated position elsewhere. Good day, I SAID GOOD FUCKING DAY.

I don't have a wife, but Bill's wife is a firecracker ain't she?

Memo to HR.
All resumes for new positions should be placed into 2 even piles. 1 pile should then be selected at random and thrown into the recycle bin. We do not hire unlucky fuckers here.

Regard Management.

Okay, so whoever keeps writing penises on our files needs to stop, last week one of the higher ups was in on business and he walked into my office and asked why the annual sales report had a dick on it.

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Who sent a dickpick to the boss with my face photoshopped from my mail?!

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So. You've decided to throw his resume in the trash, huh? Looks like I'll have to take matters into my own ass.

Signed, The Poop Bandit

I also shit in your coffee you fuckin retard. By the way Melissa laugh about you while we fuck.

Brian said you said that earlier and he called the company you mentioned and they said you cried during the interview and had to be escorted out.

You're about to have shot in your desk.

Signed, The Poop Bandit

To Whom it May Conern:

Just a reminder that the e-mail server will be down from 8 AM Monday until 5 PM Tuesday.

Dan in IT

Jerry, goddamn it. Did you take that champagne from my top drawer.

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Somebody shit in the watercooler.

Jesus, who put this skeleton in my cubicle?! Scared the shit outta me! If the fucker that did this doesn't confess I'm getting Management.

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Hey Stan, you wouldn't happen to know why there is a used condom in my lunch would you?

God I fucking hate IT. Why do you guys always have the shittiest beards and look like complete slobs?

I thought it was pretty obvious Tim, you're a cocksucker and I hate you. By the way I used that condom on your daughter. In her ass.

*loud speakers announcement*
Attention. Please be reminded that the parking lot area is NOT for urinating, defecating, or performing illegal abortions.
Thank you.
Also Gary, Nicole, Jannette, Ronald, Harry, Kevin, Fred, Susie, and both Greg J. and Greg M., please report to Mr. Marshfield's office.

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I'm pretty sure I walked in on one of them looking at child porn earlier today.

You realize Brian is the Equal Opportunity hire for mentally-deficient people, right? I feel bad for the guy, but his Tourette's and autism levels have approached yours. HAH

Dan, I don't envy your job here but you've done the absolute best I believe you could. I'll put in a good word for you at my new company if you decide to apply and use me as a ref. By the way, there's a bottle of Blue Label in your desk. Thanks again for getting me a computer that didn't suck complete ass.

Karen, I need those subunit reports on the credit deficit ASAP

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Would you trust a good looking guy to work on your computer?! Fuck no we went over this at the cyber-security seminar. If the person working on your PC looks too good to be real then they're a social engineer.

Also, just a reminder that all passwords must be 15 characters long, have 3 symbols in them, be case sensitive and cannot have a word in them.

Dan in IT

So, you found my surprise. I can assure you, there will be more.

Signed, The Poop Bandit

I'll get them done as soon as Raj would get off his lazy ass. Get Chet over here, he's just sleeping in his cubicle and pretends to not hear me when I try to wake him up!

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Are you fucking kidding me? The Gregs got called in? This better not be about our bonuses...

What is it guys? Raj is sleeping on the job? That's no good. RAJ. GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS OR I'LL HAVE SECURITY HAUL YOUR STREET SHITTER ASS OUT OF HERE. WE NEED THOSE REPORTS BEFORE 2

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Sorry sir...

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Alright guys, who took my lunch from the fridge?

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Why the fuck can't I have admin privileges on my own computer Dan? Riddle me that. I'm not Miriam, I'm not gonna download emoji toolbars full of viruses. Give me those privileges.

Yeah Karen, that might be a problem. You're PC is a seeder for a nasty trojan. Its been taken off line and you have to use the loner Tandy 1000 to do that report.

Dan in IT

Don't look now, but I think it was Carl

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By get them done you just mean you're gonna ask one of the lower paid analysts to get them for you and then take all the credit Brenda you bitch

Hey, i'm here. Chet called and said that Karen has a trojan virus in her PC? I'll go check it out.

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I'm sorry but after Janice downloaded Flash to her computer it was decided that no one on your floor should have admin privilege

Dan in IT

Thank you, for once someone realizes im doing this bitch's work. HELP ME!

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I'm the captain of this boat now. *Giggles* Isn't that so funny? *Sips wine* *Scrolling through facebook looking at cat memes*

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To Whom it May Concern:

I regards to the tranny prostitute I found in my cubicle. One, I do not have a bug up my ass. Two, even if I did have a bug up my ass a tranny dick would not kill it.

Dan in IT

I didn't do it, I swear!

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you thought you could just fire me, huh?

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Hey guyth, uuuhhh- how do I open da internets?

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I'm going to pop myself at lunchtime infront of everybody due to the realization of being stuck in an office job.

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None of these niggers know I put tiny bits of shit in the coffee every morning.
I also mess with every file ever left out and switch them from desk to desk.

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Umm guys, what exactly does our company do anyway? All I see is just a bunch paperwork and training seminars

All Staff.
Due to our policy of "Affirmative Action" this week parole has be stolen.
That is all.

Do it faggot

I figured out it was a shell company for laundering money and tax returns. Another reason I'm fucking gone after I take this last box to my car. This shitshow is too funny to leave too quickly today though.

Hold seminars, generate paperwork.
Profit.

We make custom molded sexual accessories COME ON LOUIS you've been working here longer than anybody.

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We borrowed a shit ton of money from the government to hire a heap of useless cunts to lower the unemployment rate.
We "Senior Management" take half of the cash for ourselves and then pay the rest of you until the well runs dry and we are living in the Bahamas.

We test dildos. Didn't they tell you about this during orientation?

We conduct animal testing of products for our clients.
Our biggest customer is Jimmies Hammers.

Tim?! What the fuck get out of my cubicle! I swear to fuck if you tell corperate about my suicide plan.

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To: Office all
Cc: My pen

Who the fuck took my good pen?

Johnathan Marschman, CEO

BOSS IS COMING !

EVERYONE LOOK BUSY !

STOP REPLYING ALL TO EMAILS THAT GO OUT TO THE WHOLE DISTRIBUTION

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QUICK EVERYONE START TESTING THE SEX PRODUCTS

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hey where's my sandwich

Shit, WE'RE OUT OF LUBE!!!!!

DONT WE MAKE THE LUBE!?!?!?!??!

Fuck, rawdog it we got our jobs on the line here!

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Are you fucking kidding me.

I put lube on the inventory list the fucking days ago !

Supply chain said Dan fucked up the email server

Fine, but not after Carl.

This is fucking ridiculous !

What the hell do they do all day down at shipping and receiving ?

Meth, mostly.

OBVIOUSLY FORGET TO ORDER LUBE

Relax at my nothing some spit can't fix.

Don’t forget about the Heroin

They Recieve alright..

GUYS ITS OK! JARED HAS 50 GALLONS OF LUBE IN HIS CAR!

Did everyone hear they are pushing up the release date on the Pussy Master 5000 ?

It's me, Emily, the COO. I'm watching all of you.

* types into keyboard *
* sips coffee *

> "hey Chris, Matt on the core team said we should avoid using the BAM contracts because they change them frequently. We have to go about using a different part of the architecture if we're going to test the GUI components in the analytics module."

>"Joe, use the BAM contracts. That's what we're to do"

>"Chris, i know you're the architect, but that's a bad idea. The regression tests will fail each time they change something, and we're going to have to continually re-writing our code."

I’d believe it.

Dan is like the biggest faggot.

David the CFO told me at the last mixer that you're a giant slut and you have weird nipples

You're fired.

Johnathan Marschman, CEO

That is not related to the business at hand. How are those quarterly reports looking?

Again, fucking hell. We just shipped out the Pussy Master 4000 and have a fucking warehouse filled with aftermarket Dick Juicer 69 parts.

If your name starts a J, you're fired. We need to cut down on costs..

Hey guys, sorry I'm late; I had to spend the night in the ER. My daughter had distension. Any meaningful take-aways from the 10am meeting?

Hi, It's Karen. I just wanted to see if you could all make it to my baby shower on Saturday. I'll be giving out free donuts and warm homemade chocolate chip cookies to anyone who attends!!!

I'll fuck you if we don't have to talk about it

i think you should probably take the day off.

where the fuck is my intern?

Suck my dick lily

Your fiancee showed me your nudes

>ceo fires himself upon announcing everyone with a name that starts with J is fired for budgeting

Boss, you've played yourself LIKE A DAMN FIDDLE!

But... I am your intern.

well go find me another intern

I always knew he was a cheating bastard. How's about I give you a better time than he ever will?

Do you need us to bring anything else to the party? My husband makes incredible hors d'oeuvers.

Now that Mr. Marschman is oit of the picture Id like to introduce my bestest buddy in the whole wide world, MR.BLACK.

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If you can, that would be greatly appreciated! It's not mandatory but anything helps.

Terry said to report to you? Something about finding a little man in a boat?

uh, yeah. sure. do that. also, go tell everyone that i named myself the new CEO since the guy just fired himself.

Ma'am I'm an intern and this is my first day, are you sure you just like don't want a coffee?

WHERE'S THE GOD FUCKIN COFVFE?

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hey guys sorry im late to work
i was busy bangin some hot traps down the street brothel
i still have a job right

In the breakroom on the right. Tell Sharry I said hi passing by.

Can we call ya Uncle blacky?!

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Did you bring any to share?

they're all used up, sorry, terence

yes, coffee. quickly!

Psst.. Don't drink the coffee I've been hearing rumors that the neckbeard janitor is still pissed that he didn't get invited to the christmas party; he's been leaving flakes of shit on there.

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Hello, everyone. I'm Robert. I am the new CEO. My first order of business is to fire everybody. You're all fired. Get out.

Not if I call the union, faggot.

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Where the fuck did karen go? Whose this coked up car salesman looking fucker?

Karen died

this man is not the real CEO. please escort him from the building.

I am the union

I second this, your ass is fucked once 90% of your workforce walks out the door.

You're fired. Security remove him.

who cooked fucking fish in the microwave?!

>entire office workforce is fired
>entire company gets fucked
>company goes out of business

I killed all the security and fucked their heads. Good luck.

ALRIGHT EVERYONE GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!!!!

I HAVE PLACE A BOMB IN A RANDOM ROOM SO DON'T DO ANYTHING DUMB, OKAY?!?!?

NOW I WANT ALL THE WOMEN TO TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS

AND ALL THE MEN TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS. IF I SEE YOU HAVE A HARD ON, I WILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF

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Oh god, Shari, we have to do what they say!

*I take off my shirt, revealing some big busty breasts.*

Just fucking kill me on the spot faggot.

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>the new Muslim hire brings his plane to his first day of work
>9/11
>everyone dies

Tim told me i wouldn't do it I'll show him I'll show everybody..Sugar do do do doo do do oh...honey honey..do do do doo do doo.. You are my c-candy girl..and you got me wanting youuuuuuu *gunshot*

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>Staff meeting 10:00-13:00
>Project meeting 13:00-14:00
>Different project meeting 14:00-15:00
>Tooltime meeting 15:00-16:00
>Customer meeting at 17:30-19:00
Fuck this gay shit. I have to wait until 16:00 to be able to eat my lunch. I'm behind on all my projects because of the last round of layoffs and customer issues that crop up. Not to mention supporting 3 different project groups.

Five minutes, please, my bagel’s almost toasted.

HE ACTUALLY DID IT

Inconsiderate cunt, he got brain matter all over the fucking copier

Fuckin right? I swear if I miss out on the skyway lunch specials again tomorrow, I'm putting my notice in. Or at least be angry until Ashley walks by.

>MFW I'm in the adjacent office building window

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Have fun with that, guy. Today was my last day, anyway they got good bagels in the fridge, and here's $100. Go treat yourself to somethin' nice; most of these idiots ain't worth your time.

Wasn't me this time

Who's the fag that shoved my stapler up thier ass