Feels thread

Oh. Yeah, that's serious.

What did you do?

I've never attempted it, but I was hospitalized for being acutely suicidal once.

Walked to a bridge and dared myself to jump.
It wasnt as high as i remembered, which was... disappointing.
Guess im not good at suicide either

Aww. *hugs*

Well, suicide attempts are calls for help, or relief, more than an actual death wish.

You may have lived simply because parts of you still want to live.

That said, it's certainly a big deal, and while I'll happily talk to you today I can't replace the need for mental healthcare, so I strongly recommend you contact them too.

Why were you so sad or upset today?

If you want a more efficient place to talk you can email me at [email protected] .

It's a throwaway email, but I can send contact details for Discord, Skype, or something there.

Its not just today, its been the past month or so ive really been going over it in my head. So i figured id try.

I feel like im not allowed to be sad or feel this way becuase i caused it all myself

Ill consider it

*nod* Yeah, that makes sense.

And not being allowed to feel sad sounds very destructive.

You do come across as depressed to me.

How do you feel you "caused" whatever happened to you?

Its not a feel of caused, it a 'i did cause this'. Ill give the story in my next post. Its all pre typed

Do you want it green text or no?

I don't care, I can read it either way :P

Tensions grew more and more and we kissed and ended up in this pseudo-relationship where we couldnt tell anyone but in private it was great. Her family really liked me and
we talked, naively, about our future. While all this was happening I was still seeing J on the regular. J, still not being over A, was getting worried about what could
happen between A and I. I lied so many times. Right to J's face.

After the pseudo-relationship was set i started breaking out in hives. Im not allergic to anything, never have been. In the end the hives were due to stress, from lying to
my best friend. Lying really started to take its toll on my mind. I spoke with A and told her that i had to tell J what i had done. That we cant have a relationship. To get
through that day took some numbing but that night i went and told J all that had happened. He was thankful and respected me telling him. I was shocked. How could someone
respect someone for fucking them over? Over a couple days and a couple more talks we agreed that we would handle A together, and when uni started i was outta there. Bad call.

Its mid Feb by now, I went back to A and told her what happened. She understood. I understood. But nothing changed. We still did relationshippy stuff, but there was no guilt
because J 'knew'.

Fast forward about a week to a night in which a different friend, A and I all got drunk at A's house. I in particular drunk a stupid amount, ended up throwing up in a rose
bush, showering with the help of A and then slept in the same bed as A. I think it would have been 'ok' if all that had happened was sleep, but it wasnt. A couple days
and more relationshippy stuff later, enter my ex that i broke up with before Christmas (call her X).

X and I caught up. Having the same friend group didnt really allow us to dislike each other and thats not how it was anyway. She is great and i probably do still love her.
Being with someone for 5 years will do that. Anyway we catch up, go out for coffee and lunch and for some reason she offers a friends with benefits scenario. Wtf? What is my
life? An actual drama show? Of course, me being a fucking idiot, i agree and we go back to mine and have sex. A during this did not like me seeing X cause she thought i would
do stuff with X. I told A "of course i wouldnt".

So at this point i have lied to J about A, X about A, A about X, and the whole scenario to everyone else.

t this point uni is about to start. A and my communication has really dropped off and I have told J that im basically out of the situation and not talking to A. J is
cool with it as we both knew that when my uni started i wouldnt have time. I thought it was all gone at this point. 3 days ago X says we need to talk. X comes over and
asks questions about A and I. I confess to it all. I answer it all honestly. Someone had told someone who told someone else and so on. My whole friend group now knows
and the only one talking to me is X to make sure i dont hurt myself or worse because she still loves me. Im not sure why she does.

So thats how i fucked my whole social life in 2 months. If you want/need to know anything (cause i did leave out some details which i deemed unneeded) please ask.
Anything about me or anyone else too is fine. Pry as much as you need to understand it all clearly.

Okay... I think the first part of the message disappeared, but I take it this happened:

J was a good friend of yours, and had been together with A.

After J and A broke up, you and A started a pseudo-relationship. First by lying to J, but coming clean after a while.

Then, while together with A, you started hooking up with your ex, X.

Then after a while everyone found out what happened, so now you're only in contact with (but not hooking up with) X, and have stopped talking to A and J?

>1st part my bad
Ok well this is a long story. And spoilers, im the villain in this.
It started a bit after new years with my best friend's (Call best friend J) ex going through some trouble (call best friend's ex A). J hadnt gotten over A so J didnt want
to just let her go ruin herself with self-destructive behaviours (depression and drinking dont mix well). J and i spoke about it and decided that i would look after A at
least until my uni started in a couple months.

So over about a months time i would go see A every couple days and text everyday to make sure she wasnt doing anything super destructive. A really started to open up to me
and we became super close. On top of all this A already had a crush on me. Thinking back upon discovering this, this is when i should have stepped back. A and I spoke about
all sorts of stuff and she turned out to be a lot of what i wanted in a wife and being stupid i got feelings for her.

Yea basically

Recently another friend has started talking to me again. Honestly if he didnt call when he did i think i may not be here now

Alright, yeah that explains the rest.

Okay, so you've been cheating and lying to people.

That's a bad thing, sure. It's good if you feel enough guilt to not want to do it again, but it's not good to feel so much guilt you want to die.

Surely none of your friends want you dead, even if they are upset.

How old are you?

That's good. They probably knew you were struggling and are trying to help you for the same reason you tried to help A to begin with.

Im 20.

Alright... on the good side, youths are a bit more emotional than older adults, so you being 20 instead of like 25 helps, since you'll get naturally calmer over the next few years.

Anyways.

Unlike some who've done similar things, you're obviously not upset at them finding out, but upset with yourself for having cheated and lied.

That's a good thing. And while cheating and lying is a bad thing to do, you have eventually come clean, both with J first and then with X in the end.

So you're taking responsibility for your actions.

I know you have apologized to X, and I think you apologized to J too? But have you apologized to A yet?

I set up to meet A and J at the same time to go over everything.

J did but A didnt want too. It went as you would think. Pretty calm talking, bit of crying. The loss of a friend

I want to make it all better, however long it takes but i have no idea where to start

It's good that you met J. While A declined to participate, you've done what you can by offering to meet her and apologize.

It's good that you want to make things better, but sometimes when you hurt someone you can't really unhurt them. Then only thing you can do is learn the lesson and avoid hurting people like that again in the future.

I think it's good you wrote your story down, for yourself too. It's good to put into words what you've done, and what you aren't proud of.

As for the future, you obviously need to avoid lying to cover up bad things, and avoid cheating.

Both are pretty obvious. The question is what made you go over the line (alcohol? or getting to close with someone you should be more cautious about? or just horniness). Then you need to think about how you can avoid getting into that situation, and making bad decisions, in the future.

all that you need is a big huge, user

I just put it down to simple lack of willpower. I knew what i should have done but i just didnt.

I get that im young and have time for me to fix this or let it blow over and move on, but i cant just leave it. I dont think i ever will.

I love X. And i realised that too late. She is so amazing. I want to fix that first but holy shit, i have no clue

read the thread Yea Forumsud. I need a lot more than that, but deserve way less

Alright. Well, then you gotta help your willpower, next time, by not getting too close with a temptation :P Maybe avoid alone time.

I actually recommend you to stay single for a bit, or at the very least stick to fwb, since you are unsure of your ability to remain faithful right now.

If you've apologized and want to do better, that's about what you can do right now. You can ask them if there is anything you can do to lessen their pain.

But yeah, laying low and not starting any more drama is a good start right now really :P But do try to meet up with friends, because you gotta get yourself out of this rut.

You can't kill yourself over this, it would just make A, J and X feel guilty.

Yeah, i read the thread. And i repeat again: All that you (we, really) is a big huge. In silence, with no words, with no answers and worries: Just a big hug, and no more.

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Im not one to really just let things go and be stagnant but ill try. I want to be proactive to fix it but again, i have no idea

Im seeing X tomorrow, any tips?

Please user, come here then *hug*

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I recommend you try to be honest with her. That's all.

As for other things... try to meet up with friends. At least other friends. You're gonna feel shitty a while, and the last thing you need is to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing.

We all make mistakes. This is a big one, sure, but it's not the end of the world. If you're lucky you'll be able to refriend J and A eventually. If not, well, think of it as your part of the loss your actions caused.

But as long as you make genuine attempts of making up for your mistake (which you have with coming clean and apologizing and stuff), and changing your behavior in the future, then you also need to forgive yourself for your actions, regardless if your friends decide to forgive you or not.

And please don't try to kill yourself again. It's a really reckless solution.

Anyways. *hugs* Take care, man.

Thanks user

If your relationship with your family is half-decent or better, I recommend you contact them and tell them what happened.

You need all support you can get right now.

And I still recommend contacting mental healthcare. I think we had a good talk, but I'm not qualified to ensure your well-being after something as serious as a suicide attempt.

You're welcome :)

And this was supposed to be to you, of course xP

Well I live with my family but i havent told them. They are going through some shit themselves so i dont want to put on anymore pressure.
Part of me trying to be more considerate of others.

Ill tell them when the time is right. Maybe my sister first, idk

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....I honestly can't think of anything shitty enough to make me not want to be informed about a suicide attempt.

Being considerate is good, but it shouldn't end up in you neglecting yourself and withholding things they would want to know.

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Yea but a big deal will be made about it and i just couldnt be bothered with that

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Alright xP Well, take care, anyhow :P