Monkey paw thread

Garanteed, but now you have to hear the prayers of a bunch of christians around the globe, if you kill them/make them forget about you, you will stop existing bc God feeds on the ones who belive in him

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Garanteed, but you lose the bottle, thus losing your sanity because you were addicted to it, by such your perception of good and bad becomes crazy, you end up killing the monkey seconds after raping him, you also get HIV, even if doesent kills you, you feel sick every minute, the pug is fine tho

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Not garanteed, as you know there is no greentext for no apparent reason, the monkey paw decides to stick into your ass for eternity

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My wish is to get on my feet and be useful to society

Well at least my best friend Pugsley is fine and that monkey got what was coming to it.

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I wish that all life in the universe died in a single instant, one minute after I make this wish

Garanteed, but you get on your feet, now you have a foot fetish, and that is the only bad thing? The monkey paw is pleased theres people that dont ask for eldritch powers or stupid shit

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Garanteed, but as viruses are neither dead or alive they evolve to an inteligent species, they find the monkey paw and get everything back to normal, but you remain dead

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I wish that I had a body shield that throws any injury or health issue I attain back at suitable hosts around me, making me virtually immune to any disease or physical wound.

Selfish bump

Soo, you basically got Love Train?
Garanteed, but some crippled guy and his cowboy italian friend on a horse race stops your reign of terror by throwing you nails and balls, also, you are now an elder

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In that case, I wish to levitate into a state of being that allows my skill and expertise to positively influence the people around me. A couple of thousand dollars would be great, Sir Monkey.
paypal.me/lv154

Thanks.

I wish to be sexually irresistible to any woman I choose at any and I wish for the ability to reverse this at will.

1. I wish to understand every consequence of any wish I could potentially ask for without this understanding affecting me in anyway and without any wish taking effect.

2. I get the power to be manifest anything I think of and intend to manifest (not anything I think of comes true unless I mean for it to) without the interference of any external force or circumstance and this gift is given to me in such a way that I remain as I intend to be in this moment. That being, but not limited to, mentally, emotional, and reasoning faculties. This gift is presented to me before taking place and I get to understand any and every consequence of its effect and retain the right to accept, decline, or modify as long as I have other wishes left.

This is okay, I could live with having antagonists in my life and eventually being defeated by them.
Being an elder, I want to have a good pension so I don't have to become an old poorfag.
If this backfires I'm prepared to donate other people's blood for money.

Get ready. OP is gonna give you ED

Garanteed, this also makes people think they are superior than you, and now you have an inferiority complex, but as your wish also benefits people around you, is not the worse that can happen. Instead of money, the monkey paw gave you 2 atoms of oxygen.

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Garanteed, as you can reverse this ability you can switch between being hot to men or hot to women, you will end up infected by gonorrea eventually, most of this girls ask for child support and you end up in bankrupcy

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1. I want the pain to stop.
2. I want that motherfucker to suffer.
3. I want Guatemala to burn
4. I want Google to bankrupt
5. I want garlic bread

I like this guy. He's a nihilist

So, you think you are smart?
Garanteed. You think about any single posibility a wish could bring, making you insane because your brain cant fucking comprehend the power of the monkey paw, you end up killing yourself after masturbating to some fucked up shit

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I wish I was a pretty girl

>monkey's law
>if you try to beat the system, the system will beat you

Omnipotence
Omniscience
Immortality (i can choose to die if i want to)
Ability to travel at FTL at will
Ability to switch to parallel universes

No, I just like garlic bread my dude.

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I want the sun to start going red giant tomorrow at 8pm GTM
I want to be revered as a death god for the remaining time until then
I want unlimited nachos
I want a dog
I want that stupid fucking whore karen to lose custody of the kids

The monkey paw sees your suffering and tells you to call the suicide prevention hotline, it gives you the best garlic bread you could have ever taste, however, it was full of mold, you die because of it, by butterfly effect shit your familly sues google, and by a bunch of legal shit, it falls to bankrupcy, Guatemala catches a wildfire, no deads tho. The one guy you wanted to suffer got meningitis.

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So you didn't grant my wish. Which means this is a logical fallacy. At which, the argument can be made that the money paw can affect anyone on earth who uses it or refuses to use it. Logical paradoxes do not exist. Monkeys paw does not exist. Nothing happened.

Dubs of truth.
Garanteed. You get bullied to suicide for being a tranny, death feels like sitting on a comfy bed for the rest of eternity, you dont want to leave that state

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I'm infinite so it's fine if i hear them all, as god it wont effect me
This is what god already does if he exists

Garanteed, but you eventually head to a parallel universe where your powers are nothing, you get trapped there living a normal life until you get struck by a lighting

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you know you're an asshole, right?

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I wish that I, at time of my choosing and for the duration of my choosing, could have the super powers and abilities of any fictional superhero I intentionally select, those powers manifesting themselves in the real world and under my full control, without my ever coming to any personal harm (physical, mental or emotional), deprivation of liberty or inconvenience as a result, and for that to begin NOW and continue for as long as I desire it to continue.

I want a dead, cooked, clean, rotisserie chicken on a clean plate with no health risks to me and my entire body once I eat the chicken, and before I eat the chicken. I also want the chicken to not fall off the plate, and I do not want the plate to fall off my counter, and I don't want the counter to collapse, and I don't want my house to crumble or be damaged in anyway, or to be moved off the foundation. I want the rotisserie chicken to be well done but not burnt. I also want a sanitized knife and sanitized fork to eat the rotisserie chicken with.

Guaranteed, but sun remains a giant red until its time to die finally comes, you are sacrified, because if you are a death god, you shouls be able to come back, you dont.

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I wish that the rest of the monkey is doing fine and has a good life.

Well I didn't need a monkeys paw to wind up a dead tranny, but this is an afterlife I can get behind

Thank you, great monkey paw

be reborn as a female

I wanna be immortal, but be able to die if i want to

Garanteed.
You become the beyonder in your first day of being a superhero, you imagine yourself dying over a Yea Forums post, you die.

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Granted, but you have no mouth

Guaranteed, but the earth gets destroyed, why? No one knows, still, the chicken was really good

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Forgot to say, your death means no mental bor physical harm because it was instant death, your body cells are doing nice, and as death is that comfy bed, its ok

The monkey was raped and killed, remember?

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Ability to raise the dead
Absolute, irresistable mind control
Warp anywhere in the universe at will
Ability to survive any environment, including vacuum, the inside of event horizons and stars
A mid-rare steak made of purely neutrons

You go back to your moms uterus, you are reborned, yes, but your mother dies bc you are a really big tranny

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1. i wish that i was alowed to wish for more wishes
2. i wish for an infant number of wishes
3. i wish that none of my wishes would have an adverse affect on mysellf or those i care about.
4. i wish for the power of total persuasion. ie the ability to convince anyone of anything at any time.
5. hummm, that's about it; for now.

Same as

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wish for another monkey's paw. do this until you have hundreds of them and you can fix all the problems until you get what you want.

quantum monkey exists in superposition until proven otherwise

unlimited monkey paws. i still have 5 wishes total but i can throw monkey paws at people, which sounds fun
i also want to win the custody case against that fucking whore karen

I wish to become a shape-shifter. One that can change his appearance at will and can do this an unlimited amount of times

Garanteed.
But the steak tasted like eating a neutron star, your body is not able to digest it and your stomach, liver, intestine, dies, you turn them back to life but they end up having self consciousness, they eat you from the core, you end up being a floating space in the universe thanks to your minecraft teleportation powers

Garanteed, you wish for an infant number of wishes, as the infants only know number 1 because thats the monkey law the wish you just did was the only one

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You dont read rules, do you?

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Dubs of truth.
Garanteed, but the monkey paws are stored in your urethra, to have more monkey paws you have to pee them, it fucking hurts, you win the custody by throwing monkey paws to the judge, Karen kills herself and you throw monkey paws at her funeral

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that's a win for me, thanks monkey man

monkey paw i want a 25cm long dick, thick and good looking no disagreeable surprises

Garanteed.
You shapeshift into hitler and get killed in a left liberals protest

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i want to be able to materialize weed out of nowhere, and never get addicted to it or suffer other mental injuries while still enjoying it's effect
the effect of weed is amplified by a factor of 10^9, but it's only psychological so the LD50 isn't lower than before

i get locked in chastity by a cute twink and have to be his sex slave
we both never age

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Garanteed, but it happens out you are gay, passive, and the dick is completly out of your color scheme example: You are black, your dick is white

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shiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeet

I wish that I could orgasm, thanks

Ok, garanted, i never do good shit for anybody, so i will make an exception for this stoner

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bless you monkey man, bless you

Garanted, you are now the sex slave of pic related, you never get an orgasm and your dick itches every moment he fucks you, you never die, he never dies, its an eternal hell

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Garanted, you get your first and only orgasm by putting a cactus into your ass, you try every single cactus after this experience, all they do is hurt, and after finding the same cactus that you first orgasmed with, you cant find good porn.

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Make me be in a state of perpetual orgasm, while still being able to function normally. Cum just magically vanished right outside my dick and i never acclimate to the pleasure so it won't diminish over time

I wish to be a wish granting fairy.

Well I mean if a cactus is what it takes to finally feel sexually relieved for once...

I wish for world peace and for no one to be hingry. Also fuck cancer

i wish for good sex with my current girlfriend

Alright, but you have the face of a retard cumming everytime, everyone feels you are weird and you have no friends

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who the fuck cares in that situation honestly?

I wish for a triple scoop hokey pokey ice cream.

That's it. Fuck your satanist bullshit negative downside crap. Come at me.

I can solve any math problem in seconds

Garanteed, but you are literally fucking cancer, plus, no one FEELS hungry, so everyone dies a couple weeks after your wish, food places go to bankrupcy and world becomes a worse place

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i wish my body was healthy and strong
i wish for a 15 percent increase in serotonin in my brain
i wish i found more pleasure(not sexual) in the things i once loved
i wish i had a very convincing tone of speech that made people want to listen to me
i wish for a really strong immune system that came with an immunity to HIV/AIDS

how bad am i fucked, user?

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I, as user, garantee it, but it falls down after the first lick.

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Garanted, your wife uses a strap on with a pointy ouching spike at the end of it, you kinda like it

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i wish i was you

You develop an immunity to your own gut flora and other symbiotic bacteria. Good luck with things like digestion.

OP Literally doesn't know the meaning of literally.
The jpg fire can not be hurt.
Wish for more wishes of every kind :D
The Backlog is horrendous

i still got everything else

I want to make anime real. I want to marry 3000 years old vampire loli and have many cute kids with her. I want us to be a happy familly.

I'll garant those because theres no much i can do about them, but...
The math solving guy cant demonstrate the ecuations he is doing, thus making its power useles.
The icecream lover however... eats it without problems, some falls down, no big deal, but theres a lactose intolerant dog eats it and dies

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The many kinds of wishes you get include a wish to be anally raped so hard you have to spend the rest of your life shitting into a colostomy bag, a wish to be constantly covered with spiders, a wish that your limbs and tongue rot off from leprosy, and a wish that you die slowly and horribly from cancer.

You wish to become health and strong also requires daily ingestion of fresh human brains

I wished for all bodies left on Mt. Everest to be teleported at the bottom to be discovered and retrieved.

We should fuck. If your immunity and my body shield mix in our offspring we could create a masterrace of superhumans.

No one cares as long it is fun

1. I want to get uncurable painful ass cancer
2. I want no positive effects of drugs to work on me
3. I want a lie to spread all around the world how Im a serial child rapist
4. I want all my enemies to live long and happy
5. Whatever happens after dead I want the worst possible to happen

Also I use the monkey paw to jerk off.

cannibalism ain't so bad

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agreed

is that the old woman from madagascar turned into a monkey?

As you made me laugh...
Garanted, no real backfire

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You also will never have a sexual feeling for anything you love

>OP
If theres no monkey image next to the answer, is not op

No, it's the costume designer from the Incredibles turned into a monkey

I wish for a sandwich from subway with ham, American cheese, lettuce, mayonnaise, mustard, and salt and pepper on Italian bread, lightly toasted and also a large Dr. Pepper

you fool

Diabeetus and hypertension

Now anime is real, garanted, but Gurren Lagan shit kills you, Yoko is out there, go fuck her tho

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She's too busy moping over a dead guy and friendzoning the hero

You’re right, I forgot olives

>American cheese
you get violently beaten to death by people who like superior, french cheese

I wish that I had the power to manipulate probability

Garanted, but one of them had an uncurable disease that spread across the world, everyone dies

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I wish for my dream video game to be made, and for it to be fully playable in VR. None of that oculus shit either, I'm talking Sword art Online levels of VR.

My dream VR game is an action-oriented runescape.

this is not OP

You're 100% likely to be a loser

Your avatar is a femme boi and you get constantly raped by monsters

I wish my dad would tell me he's proud of me just once

i wish for a friend
i wish for creativity
i wish for a pet

Guaranted, just as you wish

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Granted, but soon after he becomes a failure at life and he has nothing to be proud of. Ironically your hubris has killed your hero.

Dude, you really hate yourself?
Garanted, everything you ate was bad for you

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I wish for my stepsister to just disappear off the earth. I'm so fkn done with her being better than me in every fkn way

I wish to have a big tittie gothic girlfriend

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Granted, but your next closest family member is now the pinnacle of the family. You are forced to live in the shadow for eternity.

Garanted, but the probabilitkes will always be against you.

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>granted. You are now deceased to become impervious to all other wishes. All other wishes you have asked are meaningless

Granted, and after one year of the most abusive relationship of your life/the best sex ever she will have a vision and slice your throat one night for the dark lord.

I like this one
Garanted, but what that guy said

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Granted, the first wish does not take affect and therefore you have zero understanding of the consequences.

Granted. You can now dream.

Lol I’ll just manipulate it so they will never be against me

Granted. Although the wish was never specificed on how much of the probability you can manipulate, so the monkey paw decides, giving you the ability to only manipulate it by a billionth of a percent.

Ok guys, im already bored of this thread, ill leave it up to you to give shit to other people wishes, bye byeee
Ps:
>Garanted

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It's improbable that this will be successful.

1. I want to be immortal.
2. I want to never age.
3. I want to be indestructible

Granted, but upon leaving this thread your internet malfunctions each time you access it.

1.I hope I pass all of the upcoming college examinations and not failing in a single subject
2.I wish I would get 150+ marks in next years entrance test
3.I wish for a girl friend
4.I wish that my wishes will not negatively impact anyone else
5.I wish for good friends

i have high hopes for ya

Every time i see an Alice picture in a thread, my heart lightens up a little. Thanks user.

Granted, but you are not immune to disease and live a very long time with each sickness you ever contract. Their symptoms stack on top of each other.

Granted. You are frozen in time.

1. Granted. The course is set to be cancelled before they take place, sorry.
2. Granted. Although the test is to allow you to retake the cancelled class.
3. Granted. Your mom comes back into your life.
4. Granted. All previous stated wishes have been undone.
5. Granted. You really like your right hand and left hand.

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1. I wish to have enough money to become a neet
2. I wish to be able to choose when I die
3. I wish for my pc to automatically upgrade to the best specs whenever they come out
4. I wish for a lifetime supply of 2 liter Root beer bottles
5. I wish to always be in shape and be lean no matter how little I exercise or how bad my diet is

I wish me and my boyfriend move in together in the apartment above the pizza hut we looked at together

Granted, but you are compelled to post tits.

Granted, but you are compelled to post tits.

1. Granted. Your inheritance, assets, and pay can only be used to pay off any existing education debt.
2. Granted. In addition to the inevitable natural death, you can kill yourself at any moment before then.
3. Granted. But you have to pay back the credit.
4. Granted. You get a single, unbrekable 2 litre bottle of root beer that is certain to outlive you.
5. You’ll always be in shape, the shape in question is spherical. Gravity affects you differently now too so that you are always leaning.

I wish that I want to be very successful in the economic way, I wish lots of money

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Granted, you want to be very successful in the economic way.

Don't feel like taking a pic, here's my too small hentai shirt from a week ago

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i can materialize and detonate hydrogen bombs at will, i am immune to any destructive effect caused by it

Granted, but your skin turns completely pale blue and you slowly lose all human emotions over time due to your comparably immense power.

good one

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I wish that my gothic girlfriend doesn't want to kill me

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- I wish for immortality
- I wish for invincibility
- I wish for the strength of 100 men like Arnold Schwartzeneggar

Granted. But you become a nigger with a baby dick.

Granted, but she breaks up with you then she kills you.

I wish for a good looking girl that meets me that I really like and for her to really like me and that she becomes my gf soon and that the relationship will last as long as I want.

I wish for:
1.The ability to feel empathy
2.For the removal of my Aspberger's
3.That I can do what I think is right
4.That I die without feeling like I lived a worthless life
5.I wish I could love.

I wish to be very abundant in health, money, knowledge, emotionally and spiritually...

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Granted. But you become a nigger with a baby dick

Granted. But you become a nigger with a baby dick and twisted testicles.

Granted: You are, but like a parasite you have to take it from people that love you, instead.

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i wish for wealth and happiness and a person that will share it with me

I wish for this thread to die.

Granted. But you're a nigger with a baby dick.

Granted but you're a nigger with a baby dick and no testicles.

I wish this fucking monkey would get more creative again

Granted. But you're a nigger with two baby dicks.

Just play along faggot. Nobody will give a shit if you win an argument on Yea Forums.

I wish for everyone in this thread to have their wishes not granted

Granted. But you're a nigger with two baby dicks and one testicle.

I wish i was loved unconditionally by my crush

I can create anything, without limitations, no restraints, and I have to convert energy/matter to produce such items.

I can live forever, my body will not decay, I cannot get cancer or disease due to my biology, unless such disease is specifically adapted to me.

I can modify the laws of physics on my specifically created items, as long as they don't produce paradox, I instantly learn how any Item I create works.

Granted. You turn into a black man with an infant like penis.

All granted. But you become a nigger with an under developed infant like penis. You cannot change this condition with any of your acquired abilities.

/thread

I wish I wasn't a nigger with a baby dick.

Ah, shit...I should have wished that I wasn't racist.

I wish that for once i could man up and stop being such an ass to all of my friends, i wish that my personality would improve so i could finally find a girlfriend that loves me. I wish to be good.

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Granted. But you kill yourself as soon as you come to terms with everything and adjust your social status with the people you care for. Then you become a nigger with a baby dick and get shot by police while trying to buy a pack o cigerettes, but being mistaken for a petty thief.

To be honest it would be worth it.

I wish for each member in my family to live to 90 years of age.
I wish for them to not have any physical ailments while they live their life.
I wish for 100 yards of wooded property in Alaska.
I wish to live to 90 years of age.
I also wish to have the absence of physical ailments till I die.

Godamit said yards not acers. Big deal then. Go ahead and scratch that wish. The rest is fine though.

I wish that the monkey paw was never able to grand wishes

All comes to be real, you however see your form tainted and perverted, becoming a nigger with a baby dick. You now feel compelled to have children and use drugs, living a life of horrible

You become the new monkey paw, but first you become a nigger with a diminutive dick.