I found this thread at the end of Yea Forums started by a someone simply stating they would kill themselves tonight...

tldr faggot im not reading your fucking asspie diary

yes, but i almost never contact them. I dont use my phone anymore because I'm so scared my parents could call, literally jump when I hear a telephone ringing and get panic when I hear steps outside my room, almost never use facebook because I'm scared my siblings would write me and interrogate me, so very little contact to my old friends.
Thing is, this has happened several times already and without my parents help, I never would have even come so far in my studies, they pushed me along and sometimes even studied with me. My father found me in the most embarrassing situations, in a room filled with trash and unwashed dishes, not having showered for days. This is so incredibly humiliating, other people are able to study much more difficult and extensive subjects and i cant get nowhere without either a kick in the ass or direct help from my parents.

How do you know it's an asspie if you didn't read it? Checkmate.

My advice is telling your dad the current situation, if you hurt yourself already and had scars show him, it's time to force them to face your unstable mental problem, and ask him to take you to see doctor, as parents they should share your pressure too. Just a small step, tell your dad first

I am already under treatment by a psychologist and get bupropion, which I also told my parents. I also applied for a therapy, but they dont have any place to offer yet. It is always the same, I think this time I'm not going to get overwhelmed by myself, this time I'm going to pull it through. And then I end up in the same situation.

My dad really isnt the problem, but my mom. My father is rather layed back and understanding, but my mother has a competitive, aggressive spirit, and sees me at fault. They also have marital problems after both went into retirement, so I always try to avoid situations where they could turn against each other. My current plan is to get as much points till may so I'm in a better Situation, but I already failed one exam. I also took a job because I already knew that I wouldnt be able to keep the time and thus would at least be able to tell my parents that they dont have to pay anything except my rent anymore, but my stupid procrastination and anxiety makes this difficult as well.

F

lurking, more ppl post please

op how do you have money

Sounds remarkably similar to the situation of the main character of "Welcome to the NHK".
I can see why you would rather die than disappoint your parents, who you love, and your situation depresses me.
Like I said, we can only help ourselves, but I'll try to think about your problem.
I find that a constant in being successful in anything (in this case school) is WANTING to succeed. Doing it wouldn't be hard if you wanted to do it.
But you're too depressed.
Why are you depressed? Do you feel like you can't meet the standards you believe are set for yourself, so you don't try? Or do dislike being alive because you lack friends/confidence or don't like yourself?
You should really, REALLY try to meditate on your problem and pare it down to its source. Understand yourself. I can't read your mind.
It hadn't occurred to me that I disliked myself until I tried meditation. (and what is meditating but chilling with the lights off and thinking really hard?)
You might research Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a logic-based system of therapy that helps you lay down the facts about yourself.
From what I can tell about you though, you see failure as equal to or worse than death, and you suffer because you care about your parents. Essentially, you suffer because you're nice.
If you do think that failure makes you trash, then you're a lot like me.
So yeah, I don't want to pretend I'm an armchair psychologist, so you should seek help elsewhere. If you're still at college, they have a counselor or student psychologist that works there, right?
If you could learn to be okay with failure, you would probably be okay, but I know how hard that is.
For what it's worth, if you love your parents, I think that makes you a nice person. And if they love you, I consider that a real blessing.

big oof

Who said I had money?

so how do you get by? like, food and accommodations

dang.
shit is depressing.
I feel for you op. I wish you didn't have to go through this.
you may not care but im still sending prayers and positive vibes.

I totally understand not wanting to tell your parents op.
when it comes to mentality. or mental problems. its pretty much impossible for people that haven't been through it to understand

My problem by and large is procrastination. I'm not talking simply about procrastinating really umcomfortable tasks, but procrastinating cooking, procrastinating clothing, hell procrastinating going to the toilet. Even procrastinating tasks I actually like. The more I get under pressure, the more anxious I get and the more I try to distract myself, which turns to even more procrastination. This then leads to depression. If I am in a position where I can't procrastinate, like certain subjects where there are no big exams but basically continuous work in the laboratory (I study biochemistry) I had little problems and was in a high. I did all these subjects, and during this time, I worked out, ate healthy, cleaned my room, was perfectly content. But the moment when I had to tackle large amounts of studying by myself on my own, I was lost, and the more the pressure rose the more I got anxious and started procrastinating, growing internet dependent and alcohol dependent to combat the fear. The problem is in my opinion that, during school, I was able to easily pass WITHOUT any studying because there were many subjects I was naturally interested in, and I had a good memory, so I never had to study and still had good to excellent marks. When college started, needless to say, this went out of the window.

Sounds you come back on track, good for you, just hold on every chance you've got. I still think you should tell him, it's not make them turn against each other, family issues cause argument that's normal, how heartbreak it will be if they lose you without the chance to save you

this. totally fucking this.

are you meaning me or OP? I'm the one with the failed university courses ._.

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honestly im getting you guys mixed up. but anyone thats scared to admit their mental issues to their parents. thats who Im talking to.
I completely understand how scary it is and its just easier to keep it to yourself even if its killing you inside

My parents let me live in their house, so I don't starve. I've quit the three jobs I've had, but they know I'm focusing on educating myself, so the way they see it, I'm rounding off my schooling personally.
I do yard work/mowing/trimming in various places but only during spring/summer, so I was able to buy my own car. My parents have been paying the insurance for a while so I feel shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiity. I just want to not use my car at all so I can leave as little a footprint as possible while I live here.
I have enough money to pay for my food most of the time.
I dunno, I'm a mooch, but I'm also 22, with no student loans, so I feel eh about it? I also want to finish my faggot-ass book and be out of here by the end of the year. I have a friend I could stay with because I've done the same for her, if it came down to it.

Behavioral therapy is what I applied to, bt as I said, they keep telling me "all places full, you have to wait till someone finishes". The point is less the failure itself, but the stories I kept telling to my parents piling up more and more, and not just to my parents but my siblings, and on the other hand, comparing myself to my old friends. I just wanted to avoud the confrontation. I would simply turn off my laptop to tackle the internet dependence and procratination, but obviously i need the computer for studies.

Yes, you are talking to the other person, not me (OP). I lost the OP by my number, idk how. And yes, that other person needs to explain their problems to their dad because he actually sounds like he would care. This seems like an issue where they want to protect their dad in a roundabout way by not saying anything, but in reality they would strike the worst blow by dying and never admitting their problem.

I told my parents about my problems, and been in therapy on and off for several years. Thing is there are things I can tell them - like my procrastination problems and anxiety - and things I cant tell them, like my feeling of humiliation that they have to help me, that I lied to them constantly ouf of uneasyness, my alcoholism, that I literally shrink in fear whenever I hear a telephone ring because I am scared of admitting that I fear my parents - rather: dissapointing my parents, because they are already old and they already did so much for me and my siblings.

I just tell myself that life isn't over until it's supposed to be over and ending it prematurely will prevent any and all events involving me in the future. It's kinda cringy but it works for me, dunno about you though OP.

youre starting to sound more positive tbh
and yeah, you could be worst off- people older than you have giant student loans and a worthless degree and no skills. at least youre young and debt free.

Many years ago I watched a Poland movie called Suicide Room, I was too young to understand the leading role's emotions, but I never forget the last scene he told his mom he didn't want to die, but it was too late. It scared me a lot.

I feel you.
I struggled with addiction. and I was seriously about to kill myself numerous times instead of just asking my mom for help. cuz she's never done drugs and she just doesn't understand.

to keep me seperate from OP: I am already 27, and have been studying since I was 19. Another thing that send my on my current spiral: I have been basically suspended from my current master thesis place because I fucked up. First time I did experiments wrong and laboratory assistents talked to the professor about me not knowing what I actually do, second time I got into a conflict with some stupid girls doing their PhD (they are younger than me) because, despite my failures, I obviously have some laboratory experience and they are doing all by the book and absolutely obsessed with everybody doin everything to protocoll. I ignored the protocoll, but since they are technically - as PhD - "superior" to me, so they denigrated me and the prof says I cant work there anymore as long as they are there. Problem is I already told my parents that I would never get "fired" again. Fuck my life

Lying is bad. That's all I know. If you actually give a shit what your family thinks, then your relationship with them must actually be pretty good, so I think if you really opened your heart up to your Dad you would see results. I have very little info about you, but it seems like you're living in a ridiculous sitcom where a lie grows out of proportions.
You either try being vulnerable with your family instead of strangers on the internet, or let your problem kill you one day, that's how I see it.
Surely, you can at least try?

Interesting, I'll check that out.

Just tell him boy, if he caught you in the most embarrassing situation before, he definitely can handle this one, mostly the embarrassment is not as worst as it looks, let him to deal with your mom

thing is: I largely have contact with my mother because she is the one who calls me, since my father is rather passive about those things. Yes - Lies grew out of proportions, because I finally wanted to stand on my own feet without my parents having to kick me through my universities again and again. Try explaining to a girl sleeping at your place why your mother calls on a saturday at 8.00 and tells you to get to your desk and study so you dont fail again. Its the greatest humiliation possible, so you lie, because you obviously cant tell your mother to fuck off. Problem is, the more my parents try to influence what I do, the more humiliated I am and the more I try do distract me because it's simply so humiliating if I think about my friends.

youtu.be/oxQecuWQVhk try not to cry to this sadnon

yes, but previously I just broke contact with them when encountering difficulties until they grew so worried that they drove to my place. Because I grew so sick at this humiliation, now I lied to their face. I could bear explaining why I didn't call or write, but I don't think I can explain having lied in their face for a year. youtube.com/watch?v=6QMLJY3EwhQ

Also, last year I read a book named Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng, another tragedy. Recommend it to those parents who have high expectations for their children.

Just a year, so many junkies lied to their family or friends whole life and caused so many troubles after they died, think this way, you have struggled with your issues for one year, still have big opportunity to change that, not THAT deep

bump

I will try starting studying tomorrow, when I am sober again. I hope this time I will truly start, not like the last days when I told myself I'll start tommorow. The Idea to delay the stress for 24h is so incredibly tempting.