Hey Yea Forums...

Are you luci?

I get you OP.
I'm not gay, but once every while I'll hook up with a guy. I don't want to, I don't enjoy it, I hate him even touching me. Will zone out during it.
It immediately takes me back to when I was abused. Exact same feelings going on in my head, it's so fucking weird.
I wish it wasn't like this. I really do. Obviously trying to sort something out in my head. Worst thing is my wife has nfi. She knows I got abused, doesn't know I cheat on her

Thanks user for deep understanding of human psyche

I've tried I feel like its just a mental block. To be honest its hard to find guys that'll do it as severely as is needed
Luci af fam
Yeah I've hurt a lot of chicks trying to figure it out because they think its them or some shit. Should be careful.

Are you Luci Tims?

Nah, there are other people in the world user

Who think was him...?

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i am very curious abouth the place you go to in your head not so much the event but the reason.i asume that place is filled with panic and despair.

i got molested at a very young age myself and i avoid any situation that even remotly resembles the abuse i endured.

I think you need intensive psychological therapy, you have been broken by your criminal father.

Years of therapy quite honestly

No I don't panic. My heart races and I feel uncomfortable though.
It's so many different feelings and emotions it's so hard to describe. Possibly the main one is reward, if that makes sense. I had a shit childhood anyway, even though the abuse was horrible, I got praised for it. He treated me halfway decent and good things to me throughout. So when I put myself in that situation now, i feel like I'm doing the right thing.
There are some triggers that I avoid. For instance I can't handle being squashed, tied up, restrained. I will almost pass out from fear. Even writing about that my body has gone cold and hands are tingling numb.
But then other aspects, ill seek out and can handle. as I said before makes no sense to me. Be interested to hear if OP is similar.

I wondered if im the only one with a mental block. It's like everythings fine with me except that one case where this sudden amount of stress keeps me from moving on. Mental scars seem to be real after all, I never believed it.

OP here. Mine is pretty similar. It feels comfortable for me to be abused. Like this is what I should be doing. I think I should just end myself a lot of the time but when I'm fearing I will die it kind of kicks in that intrinsic survival instinct which gets me through the next days.

Just accept you're a faggot OP, I was raped repeatedly as a kid and I still don't like men or dicks. I'll admit I'm ignorant on all the psychological studies of rape and kids aside from the fact it unlocks sexual desires early on and gives you weird attractions as such, but never once have I looked at a dude or a dick and went "Yeah I totally want to be choked by that guy while he force fucks me" before or after those experiences

>My heart races and I feel uncomfortable though.
my friend. that is panic you are talking about
>Possibly the main one is reward, if that makes sense
it does i bet the fucker had to keep you pleased somehow
>He treated me halfway decent and good things to me throughout.
argh this love/hate thing. speaking for myself here but fuck that noise. every "good" thing he did evaporates in the light of abuse if you ask me.

shit dude i wish my molester was still alive. i would love to bring a few of my friends over and go to town on him for a few hours (i am a scrawny guy and wont be able to handle that on my own)

i mentioned that i avoid certain situations around my molestation wich is not really the truth. but i am not sure if i should share. but i want to and this is my first step to that

i hope you realize you are one of the lucky few...i really do. i feel sorry for the pain you had to endure

Good luck on your journey of recovery dude. Take it as slow as you want. Be careful what you share and with who.
I found out most people can't handle that shit.
Another positive thing for you is you got trips. That's gotta be a good sign. ;-)
My guy died many years ago. Khs about six months after he was discovered in my bed. I felt so bad, like I was responsible for his death. Plus I actually missed him. That's messed up.
> It feels comfortable
Holy fuck. Yes. I never thought of this. But you're right.

Maybe you're right. I feel like in a vaccum what you said is right, but I just want to have a life where I am not disgusting but I don't think that'll ever happen.

i can not out that shit irl no.
>I felt so bad, like I was responsible for his death. Plus I actually missed him. That's messed up.
shit dude that hits home. the only physical "love" i had as a kid was by him...and i missed him to death when died.
>comfortable
i think the correct term is familiarity (not sure if i spelled that right) it is something i am struggeling with a great deal the last few years

Fist bump. It's people like you and the other user that I come to Yea Forums for. Can't believe there are others out there who get me, and I can discuss this stuff with them.
I usually avoid these type of threads, sometimes I'm not up to it, or some fuck comes in asking for deets.
I'm sorry this all happened to you, I truly am. and to anyone else reading this, same applies. But it helps me lots to know I wasn't the only one.

bro...gimme that hug! you were never alone in this.but yes 99.9% is absolute cancer but shit it is the only place where i can find people just as fucked up as i am. and some of you, like you are pretty ok people

Growing up through school I'd get angry and frustrated sometimes thinking about the why do those people exist and why me but I've realized that this isn't a fair and just world, this shit happens and will continue to happen as long as humans inhabit it
Maybe instead of self loathing you should embrace it and look into BDSM communities or something. If you're going out to get hatefucked by random guys that think you're weird you'll probably never get any comfort, closure, etc. But within BDSM that type of shit is normal anyway and you can probably meet some friends with other such kinks to get frustration and sexual tension out. Idfk, I'm just some random on the internet. Something to consider though

You're gay

>Maybe instead of self loathing you should embrace it and look into BDSM communities or something. If you're going out to get hatefucked by random guys that think you're weird you'll probably never get any comfort, closure, etc. But within BDSM that type of shit is normal anyway and you can probably meet some friends with other such kinks to get frustration and sexual tension out. Idfk, I'm just some random on the internet. Something to consider though
problem is that OP knows that this is a defect, joining people who have the same defect (yes BDSM folks are broken if you ask me) he will never overcome his thrive to be dominated into submision.

i am glad to hear you got over the abuse tho. maybe you can shed a lght on how you came to terms. what made you realize that indeed shit simply happens? i feel the same way but i find it hard to interrnalize that idea

please respond (or bump) or bump the thread as i am typing out the story of user the molested as we speak and i do not want this to die before i finish

Bump

Manly hugs. All the best to you bro. No homo.

It's difficult to explain, my life is regularly full of hardships but I think it just had to do with my mentality. I always had some hatred for people to begin with, I vividly remember times as a kid where I just never wanted to exist, and I've also seldom been happy. It's such a fucking meme because in the end it doesn't matter but getting /redpilled/ at a young age probably helped. Since I was young I've seen and gotten into all these political conspiracies on top of seeing gore online all the time and it probably just made me go "Eh, life is shit and most people seem to suffer in this world. At least I'm not getting my head chopped off with a blunted machete or set on fire"
I guess being online all my life desensitized me me on top of already shitty happenings

>be me 5yo user
>parents break up
>go to daddy once every month
>daddy is loneley
>yours truly is loneley too, bitch ass mom wont even look at me
>cling to dad like a lost puppy. climbing in is bed everynight when i am there
>wake up one night
>little dick wet
>wake up again (probably another night)
>feel nice tingle in said little dick
>try to scratch
feel the head of daddy
>confused
>ask him what he is doing
>tells me he loves me and want to show me he loves me
>i'm okay with that..aperantly
>dont cum but he made me feel really special, like i REALLY meant something to him
>wtf is this feeling, really the first time i feel somewhat loved
> from that day on he sucks my dick everynight i am over there

adultts around me notice how my mood is improving every weekend i stayed over at daddys. needles to say they encourage my mother to let me spend more time with dad...

(whoa, this is harder than i thought. allas confession is a bitch so ima type some more in my terrible way and bad english)

Zzz

Share if you want. If it helps. Sad for you man.

ok im new to the thread and dont want to read the fucking wall of text. I scimmed through the greens.
My question is what do you want out of sex?
What is the question you want a solution to?
You said earlier you dont have a big body build to try to become a dom yet you think you cant find a bigger female to become a sub?

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cont. some will be greentext and some wont

my father happily agrees having me over more and they decide i will spend every other weekend at his place. ofc. mom agrees the fucking bitch needed to get rid of me anyway, i reckon it is kinda hard to get dicked up when you have a 5 yo son in tow.

>things evolve
> i am no longer sucked off everyningt
>bum fun.jpeg

this goes on for some time..
>time to return the favor son
>eeuw i aint sucking that daddy
>but i sucked yours to didn't i?
>never got forced
>after a few nights of him begging me to do it i give in
> did not like it...at all
>but daddy is soooo happy, it made me feel i mattered to him even more.
>suck dick from that day on every day i was visiting him

he never failed to compliment me on how sweet i was to him and that he wished he could love me like this all the time. when i got him off he would cuddle me so sweetly. i still get goose bumps thinking about those nights

i guess this was the easy part (yeah it is badly written i know) i will now atempt to start writing about the effect it had on me but tbh i am not sure if i can. it is shamefull and i hate what has become...but i am going to try anyway

i am not op. i am just a simple soul trying to out what has been hiden for over 20 years on a anomynous board. read it do not read it i do not care. i just need to get this of my chest

>but tbh i am not sure if i can
Don't push it. If you can't write it today them leave it alone. If you're anything like me in about 5 mins time you will regret writing anything and try delete it.

Tldr: shit gets raw. Real raw.

cont.

the day comes that i have my first wet orgasm
he tried to hide it but i could tell something was wrong.
>somehow dad does not want me to climb into bed with him. he will let me sometimes if push it enough, but the joy has gone for him and those cracks are showing.

about a year or so later i simply do not get picked up anyome. i tried going to his place but he has moved.
>i ask mom
she just smacks me in the face telling me to fuck off " i do not give a shit about your relationship with your deadbeat dad" man those words still ring in the back of my head

>i fal into a deep well of despair
a few years pass with my raging hormones trying to find a way to manifest thmeselves into an outlet via sex
>to beta to get any
i start seeing little boys in my neighbourhood in a different way...a very different way
>dicktwitch everytime a boy looks my way
what the fuck is happening to me...i like girls
>dick says, nope
never act on that impulse but it is getting hard...really hard

well i am leaving details out of it for obvious reasons. and my writing skills are so terrible i doubt anyone reads it or is able to understand it for that matter because reading back it is a bit incoherent lol

cont.
>ffw 20 years.
i am a lonly guy who fals deadbeat in love with every shota that talks to me. i do not want this but i am conditioned to show love trough means of physical affection. it is not even much of a physical atreaction but more a mental one, but my fucked up brain only transelates this trough my fucking peener.

i fucking hate my dad for this. it is because of him i will never know true love with a women because the phyisical atraction is there but my brain simply can not feel love for them

and there you have it. sry for wasing any of your time, but i feel better already

Ever find out what happened to your father? Did he end up killing himself after his heretical ways?

I hope one day you can be and feel normal user

It’s called you being a weakling.

He never will. If you've experienced something like this you literally never recover. He eventually will make a severe mistake and pay for it. There isn't this magical panacea by going to therapy everything will be okay, all it does is delay the inevitable mental break down.

Yes I'm aware that I am weak. That is in fact one of the few things in my life I'm sure of.

>He eventually will make a severe mistake and pay for it
ever thought i might be sane enough to take precautions for that? i am nop' ing my self away from every situation that involves kids..i know damn wel how i ended up

he died a natural cause. he asked me to visit him but could not get myself to do it

>i avoid any situation that even remotly resembles the abuse i endured
I wasn't molested, but kidnapped when I was 12 by some older guys who thought i was someone elses little brother. Apparently there was some money owed, I was beaten pretty good, to this day chevy blazers make me unnaturally angry and never take shortcuts. I spent most of my life making sure that would never happen again , and im pretty big guy, but that shit still fucks with my head.

Sorry dude. That's messed up. Can understand why you've taken care of yourself. Just in case

>I was raped by my dad most of my childhood
should have consented, then...

Fuck your dad, maybe?

>everytime I have sex it has to be with a guy
>Not gay
U gay af m8

Loooooooool

Weird my dad was a creep when I was a kid, so anything involving my ass makes me freak the fuck out

Thirding the suggestion that you need to get some legit therapy. Sounds like you have a few different things to work out:

>1. Figuring out your sexuality. It sounds like you're probably gay, but the experiences with your dad have poisoned that and made it difficult to properly explore your sexuality and separate your attractions to men from the stuff with your dad.

>2. It sounds like what your dad did caused you to link sex/romantic love/familial love/platonic affection all together. You need to disentangle this.

>3. Figuring out how you really feel about what went down with your dad. He definitely molested you, but it doesn't sound like that's was the main issue. It sounds like the sudden abandonment is what really messed you up.

You might have to shop around to find a therapist who is open-minded enough to talk about this shit with. Therapists can be prudes, especially when it comes to homosex, and you might need to shop around to find someone who is willing to work on your real issues instead of focusing on your dad's actions and convincing you to rewrite some of your semi-positive reactions to them.

Stop being a faggot.

Sorry to hear that OP.
Can't imagine what its like going through that.

I'd argue you need to get some therapy and work out 'healthy' ways of dealing with it - and find coping mechanisms that are more positive than your present situation.

I really feel for you though dude - keep your chin up.
Please don't end it - you're stronger than that.

Trips of Truth.
Think you should share bro - getting it off your chest will probably help.
Even if it is to a chan of complete fucking invalids.

therapy or man up

bro go at your own pace - we got you.

I was molested and anally penetrate by a friend of mine growing up. I never really saw it a problem that I fantasized about it often. I was probably in 5th grade, he was in 9th. I no longer talk to the guy anymore, but I sometimes still fantasize about it, and I also fantasize about getting fucked by big strong men.

Funny thing is, Im honestly not gay. I don't find guys attractive at all... but when I get horny, I just wanna get fucked like a little girl like my buddy used to do.

Been in a relationship with a girl for 12 years now, still have these feelings.

Firstly - stop beating yourself about your writing.
You write better than most retards here.

Secondly - don't apologise, we wanted you to share and super glad you did.

I wish I had some words or guidance, but I'm up trumps - I guess my advice would be to get help from a therapist who can help you start making sense of all this and unravel it.

You're not broken homie.

already did. but as it turns out i suck at writing
stil open for questions if anyone can make anything of my rambles

thanks bro. i tried therapy but i can not adres the reall isue because i will get in trouble. secresy is something of the past.

>how do I fix
you don't fix the gay
kill yourself to destroy your wretched lineage

date a female body builder, they love doing that shit. hang out at gyms

What country are you in?
Here in the UK you'd be able to receive therapy and assistance with the issues you're facing.

Is there anything we can do to help?

not from the UK...it's worse. therapists are required to report any tendecies towards being a pedo...and although i am not proud of it my dad made me one. i am not going to jail/forced medication for something i had no part in.

you are helping, a great deal actually. just by listening. i wish i could be this open irl with my friends or even a profesional for that matter.

Always all ears man.
Just wish there was something more tangible we could do to help.

I think it takes an immeasurable amount of strength to talk about this stuff, even if it is on an user board.
The way you recoginise your problems as well lead me to believe you could definitely go some way to fixing them, even potentially completely eradicating it.

I appreciate it is wired in to you at present, but just like anything - things can be forged or forgot.
You've the capacity and presumably the strength to push forward and forge your own destiny and what not.

What country are you in, do you the capacity to save and get to somewhere where you could get professional help in undoing this?

Make yourself /fit/ and find a gym bunny

not telling where i am from i am afraid other than western europe. the thing is i do not really want to go trough all that shit again. i have pretty much treated myself trough hardcore reflection.i conditioned myself to a point where i imidiatly place myself in to every boy i am attracted to. replaying in my head what it had done to me. sure i felt love at that time, but i will never be able to give love. i do not simply like boys i cherrish them, they are our future men. and i have no intention to fuck up their lives for some flimsy love surogate.

having that said i would be willing to give a kidney just to be able to go read a book on a playground simply enjoying them for just being children and not be burdoned by sexual thoughts and they reaction i get to that due to how i " helped" myself