You know how this works

you know how this works
>as always, you cannot beat the paw, so don't bother trying

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Other urls found in this thread:

youtu.be/35MPebUtC-8
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i wish for get rid of traps

i wish for a bottle. with a hot blonde big-tittied FEMALE genie inside.

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I wish I wasn’t sad.

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granted. it is opaque and cannot be opened

granted. you are happy all the time and you cannot eat or drink since you are always laughing or let the muscles in your face rest, since they are constantly smiling.

but: she has the ability to travel in time, and there was a point in time when the bottle didn't exist.. so she can go just beyond there, and she's free.

thank you, Isaac Asimov.

all RID roach traps are now removed from stores everywhere.

now you have to tell why are you sad

>but
no wish amendments

dang, forgot to be explicit

monkey paw
monkey paw
give me dubs
>checkem

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what a fuckin rip off

I wish for a big log of Andy sixxs shit.
>I win

Granted. The paw sends dubbed foreign films on DVD to your front door

It is slighty dry

i wish for a new monkey paw with five new wishes

you dirty dog

I had a photographic memory

I wish for infinite un-corrupted wishes

I wish I could be reborn and relive my life as long as I can remember the previous so as to not repeat the same mistakes.

Monkey Paw, can i have a cheeseburger with extra pickles and no tomato?

Give me a sample of gravity that i can touch.

I don't wish for anything.

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I wish for a slightly larger than average penis attached to me to replace my little one. I wish this was in my perfect image

Granted. A penis have been attached to your forehead.

I wish moot wasn't a faggot.

I wish for an almost infinite sum of money that has no limits on where it can be spent or what it can be spent on

I wish to be able to grant myself wishes with no limits or consequences.

I wish to instantly physically transform into an adorable woman of my ideal appearance, traits, and attributes.

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economy goes to trash and your infinite money becomes worthless

granted but those wishes will also be horribly corrupted

granted but you're reborn as a cockroach
Worse yet, you remember how awesome it was to be a human, making your life as a lowly bug that thrives on trash and shit even more miserable

I wish for a penis that is massive and so big that it's embarrassing and I have to cart it around in a wheel barrow. I also want it to be super deformed and discolored. Also make it smell so bad that children run away screaming when I walk outside

Monkey Paw, I wish you free.

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I wish for dubs

granted but it's McDonald's so it's nasty
Also you get raped by a buff Ronald McDonald

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granted but YOU GET NOTHING!
YOU LOSE!
GOOD DAY, SIR!!

I wish my mom didn’t have cancer

Granted.

MONKEY PAAWWWWWWWWW

my cock got nothing from ur mom's open vagina last night

i want to be a girl

Granted but you get raped and murdered by a pack of niggers

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I wish I dated the highschool girl I had a crush with. she can not be overly obsessive with me and her personality has to be the same. She was a really sweet girl, the hottest girl in the school...

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granted but she gets hit by a bus

Granted but you have a hairy snake that stick out of your ass

I wish that a dog would come lick my penis until I cum and that someone would secretly record it and post it online to humilate me

Boom. You're a fat chick and everyone still treats you like dirt. Monkey paw all day, bitch.

That's cheating, not a good rebuttal

granted but you look like Jazz and have a mangled pussy

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I wish that Candlejack wouldn't come and

I wish my ideal romantic partner would appear safely at my current location, unfazed by the sudden appearance and completely in romantic love with me.

Perfect

Its 3 fingas 3 wishes eh?
1St I wish for monkey paw to change its own wish system and exactly in the way specified here: that the same 3 wish setup will stand for the future, but, aside from stupid wishes that trivially result in negative consequences, wishes will henceforth grant as the wisher expects

2nd I wish that any 2nd order, 3rd order, really n-th order meta-curses (ways the curse remains even if "removed") are null and void from this point forward and negative effects will not result from them

3rd I wish for a huge tittie virgin 26 year old girl to be my wife thanks

Granted, no one will watch it though

granted but you become permanently impotent

I wish women weren't allowed to vote

I wish to be turned instantly into a 10/10 cute clown girl sex slave for the person that grants this wish.

granted but niggers can still vote

granted but I'm Ted Bundy

PERFECT! thank you monkey paw!!

Granted.
America is now a matriarchal dictatorship where only women hold positions of power. No one can vote.

>you cannot beat the paw

I am sure it is possible through some philosophical way or paradox

I wish my sister adored me sexually.

Granted, and Trump serves 8 glorious terms

I'll have two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip 2 number 45's, one with cheese, and a large soda.

Interesting thought. Care to take some stabs at it while I ponder your responses?

Granted but your parents find out, are disgusted, and you are kicked out of the house and she's sent away to keep you apart

nailed 'im

It’s dry cold and not remotely dreamy

Granted but they don’t happen, so it’s just prayer

I wish to fuck my ex consentually one more time

Granted.
The worker was paid $15 an hour and screwed up the order.

why arnt you responding monkey paw? you scared?

Granted. You contract HIV from her

ALL WE HAD TO DO WAS FOLLOW THE DAMN TRAIN!!!

and not in the future when she becomes ugly and fat

Trips makes it so.

ah shit you already replied

Granted. As a virgin by 26 she's immensely inexperienced and insecure. She fucks like a board, complains you don't love her and just want her for her vagina, and she is obsessed with the Jonas brothers. Like, glitter Bristol boards at album release obsessed.

This is of course all within your parameters. You expected a 26 year old virgin. This is exactly what they're like. No curse needed

You are able to wish uncorrupted wishes right now, they just probably won't come true. The paw makes you immortal and now you can never stop wishing as time is arguably finite and you are trying to wish an infinite number of times. You'll be alive and stuck wishing until the end of time.

Alright this reply made me lol.

Granted. It does not provide any closure

granted but no woman will ever touch you and you are exiled to a lonely island.
You die sunburned, miserable, and alone.
sorry didn't see the wish initially

I want to get back with my last ex.

I wish to know where all the coins on SAN FRANCISCO rush 2049 special edition arcade are, how to get to them, and be able to collect them all.

I want more niggers in my country.

I wish my dad never had the accident that caused him to catch on fire. I don't like seeing him always in so much pain.

>3rd I wish for a huge tittie virgin 26 year old girl to be my wife thanks
Easy. The virgin is a fat 26 year old smelly whore who is physically and mentally abusive towards you

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Nicely done almost, feels a bit 2nd order curse-like though

granted but you find that she's gotten extremely fat and disgusting
Also she has aids and genital warts but you don't find out until after you fuck her
Also she cheats on you with niggers

I want to be with her.

I wish for motivation and discipline for myself in life.

I wish to be able to feel satisfaction or pride in my meager capabilities.

I wish for my vision to be repaired.

I don't give a fuck!

I wish for the ability to learn with extreme ease and pass all my classes without trying.

Moot becomes straight but HiroMoot absorbs the faggotry to become even gayer. Yea Forums just becomes worse.

Maybe you're right, it's subtle.

I wish to be on the worst possible timeline with as many negative consequences as possible.

You're married, but she has a boyfriend.

granted but you get more niggers in your country and they take over and elect Camacho from idiocracy to be president

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Too traditional, other anons was more reasonable

I wish my father wasn't sexually attracted to me and didn't abuse me as a child.

Sounds like the voices motherfucker.

Granted. You now have the motivation to kill yourself, the ability to be proud of your decision, and perfect eyesight to witness your death.

He abused your mother instead, and you were forced to watch every second of it.

Granted, your grandfather did instead.

granted but she's Hilary Clinton
BOOM you're with her. Literally.

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granted but it's a liberal arts degree

so I don't get raped and my mother didn't die during childbirth!? Double win!

I wish i was dead

Granted, now it's your uncle.

Granted.

Your intelligence drops to such a low level that you are only able to wish for extremely mundane and uncreative things that you can do with your own abilities.

I wish I could change how old I am with just a thought at anytime

granted but you reincarnate as a cockroach

granted but you can only age forward not back

Granted.

Your body becomes that of your potential dream girl, right down to your synapses. You no longer exist so that a woman that used your biomass could be born. You are no longer "you", thus essentially dead.

Monkey paw! Hear my wish!

i wish my boyfriends penis was just a little bit bigger

Granted, but each time you use this power, it takes away as many years of age you wished for from your normal lifespan.

granted but he can't get it up

Granted. It becomes a millionth of an inch bigger.

Granted.

Nothing changes about the wish because did you really honestly want to live that way? The monkey paw knows no parody, you get all of that + a heart attack the first time you get aroused, due to the unnatural size of your member

I would like a Jack and Coke please.

You can have this honestly

I wish in episode 42 of spongebob, also titled “pat-no-pay”, when Patrick sweeps the floor with the upside down broom and the loud screech noise plays that instead of said screeching noise when he sweeps, I want those sounds replaced with the intro song from the beginning of the episode and for said intro song to cease when Patrick stops sweeping later in the episode

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I don't know how this thread works

The monkey paw turns into an entire dead monkey (now undead) with a deep hatred for humans for what they did to it. You get viciously torn apart by a zombie chimp.

Fuck i dont wanna be a muslim

Granted. You once had a photographic memory.

I wish every one gets want they want for free

youtu.be/35MPebUtC-8

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granted but a coked up guy named Jack snorts the coke, rapes, and murders you

I wish i was a nigger with a tiny dick and downs sydrome

Granted, you don’t have to pay for a single thing. Now you have to wait in exeedingly long lines to get even the most minuscule of items (For example a roll of toilet paper takes 2 years to retrieve)

granted but it's just like the communist Soviet Union nobody pays for anything and everything is rationed

Granted. Your normal body is now filled with estrogen, your clothes have all become drag-queen apparel, and you are now a "girl" based on present day cultural definition. Congrats on your bravery.

Granted. You are a woman.

You are now dead.

Are you OP?

Well than the wish didn't come true.

You're now dating that girl and she is definitely not obsessed with you. She doesn't let you touch her and she is creeped out by you because she knows what you wished for and is now forced into dating you due to magic. She'll never love you.

Granted. She never shuts up.

I wish I could enter and leave whatever media [movie/tv, game, etc.] I am viewing as if I was actually there, but not effect the events, or be permanently effected.

I call bull shit. Get 10 lawyers and put them in a room. Or get some autists off of Reddit. Or just keep making these threads until someone finds the perfect wish.

i wish i had the power to teleport

I wish my girlfriend would ask me if I would let her peg me so that I could get fucked in the ass without having to embarress myself by asking her

Well she can teleport like in the show.

Finger 2! Every one gets what they want for free as soon as they choose to have it

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Granted.

But she has a massive horse cock and will rape you until you die of a blood clot in your asshole.

Well that'd only if he spent a lot of it on a lot things. There's only so much damage one man can do in a lifetime.

Granted.

But the dog bites your dick off and uses it as an eternal chew toy

nah its impossible. No matter how good the wish is presented, OP can just be lazy and say "granted but you die" or something retarded

Granted. You are teleported to the Congo.

Thank you.

granted but you can only teleport to your local McDonald's bathroom at 2pm and only if a dude is taking a smelly shit inside the stall at that particular time

I wish for omnipotence.

Granted.

Your ideal partner appears safely at your location. Her suddenly appearing and occupying your space with no danger to her causes you to explode into a bloody mess. Your partner is unfazed by this and continues to put your mangled exploded chunks + organs in a jar to tenderly love until she eventually dies.

Granted

But then she claims rape and gets you arrested with a one way ticket to visit Bill Cosby

Granted.

You have a lucid dream once.

Granted. All negative consequences that are IMpossible also occur.

Granted

Rather than Candlejack coming, you

That's not what omnipotence means, as,in a lucid dream you are not omnipotent.

Granted.

But then you shit on her dildo and she breaks up with you, and posts the video online.

Clean running water and sanitation for all humankind.

granted
the monkey paw misunderstands you and gives you impotence

granted, but you die

Proper REM sleep, please.

granted but this allows niggers to multiply in such numbers that they end modern society

Granted. You get murdered.

The monkey paw respects your wisdom and compassion for the betterment of humanity and grants your selfless wish with no consequences.

Granted.

But now pooing in loo becomes the new social norm, and the world economy fails because noggers

Granted. You also can't dance or sing.

For European races to totally dominate the planet.

granted but you never wake up
You are essentially in a coma

Granted.

But everyone in the world turns into a woman, causing mass extinction and a massive build up of bloody tampons

granted but you are a nigger jew and they throw you in the oven

I wish for limitless wealth

granted but you get diabetes and die

Granted.

But you get arrested for bank robbery and rot in prison. Your assets also get reclaimed by the bank, making you a poor nigger

Granted but everyone poops in bags now and uses a reusable cloth to wipe. People say they don't mind the smell. I suppose people said that in 17th century London too. As a bonus worms have been eradicated and now a lot of people have bad allergies.

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i wish i was dead

True and even if it's worth less than a penny, it's infinite so you're still good

Granted.

But you become a ghost stuck on Earth dealing with the same faggots with no way out

I would like to be a shape-shifter, capable of both animate and inanimate mimicry.

...thats not so bad

I wish for my mother and sister to love giving me rimjobs.

Granted. You get reincarnated as you.

I wish for another wish, knowing I forgot I had another wish, but it's going to be shit anyways

Granted. That unaired audio glitched episode is found by the producers before it goes up on air and is relegated to a "eventually delete these" folder on Dan Schneider's computer, alongside his secret pics of iCarly actresses pooping in the Nickelodeon bathrooms.

Granted.

But this applies to all of your family members, giving you constant rimjobs

Granted but the afterlife is just another life and you don't remember that you're dead. Not restricted to time or place. Theoretically you could wake up as your mom finding you dead. You could also wake up as allison brie. Who knows!

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i wish i knew what to say to make a specific individual like me more

Even salty uncle Stephen?

Granted.

But the specific individual is Bernie Sanders, and he becomes overly obsessive

I wish I could kill my boss.

You get another wish. It's still corrupted.

Granted.

But life in prison you dumb cunt

What wish?

Granted but your closest loved one is caught in the crossfire. That's a pretty classic misdirect bro is this your first monkey paw?

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No. I just really hate my boss.

Then quit you lazy nigger

I wish Spiderman was real and it was Toby MaGuire Spiderman.

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Granted.

But he turns into a real spider, getting squished by my slipper

But I can beat my meat with the paw.

Check and mate.

I wish to be a colonist in a successful effort to colonize Mars.

i wish that i lose my legs

Granted.

But the paw comes to life and squeezes your dick off, making you bleed out and die

I wish instead of men and women there were only women, except 48% of the population had dicks instead of vaginas and they could reproduce still, giving birth to only women and women with dicks.

Does whatever a spider can.

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Granted, but they're replaced with hands and now you walk like a dog

Granted.

You are now so bad at finding things that you even are incapable of finding your, now seemingly lost, legs.

Granted.

But you're teleported back to the 18th century as an American colonist. You're also a nigger and forced to pick tabacco and cotton

Why do extra things happen? I didn't wish for that.

I want to find a group of friends that aren't cunts.
>hardmode for you: you can't say i'll find a group of friends that are dicks

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Granted.
Nothing changes, except tomorrow all men state that they identify as women, and every male on earth becomes a radical feminist.

I WISH FOR THE OTHER PAW

Granted but everyone gets bored of sex incredibly quickly.

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Granted.

You find a group of potentially some of the greatest, uncuntiest, people you've ever met. They are all wonderful friends. You're not a part of that group.

Is this your first monkey paw?

I wish to die.

Granted.

But your group of friends are a bunch of pussies

Granted but the other paw is even worse, making the corruptedness of the wishes 10 times worse

Granted, but your quickly brought back to life to suffer for another 70 years

i wish for all women to be 1000x more bitchier, sluttier, hornier, and entitled than what they are now. fuck you all

Granted.
You find a group of friends. But they don't wanna be friends with you

On Mars?

I wish to be completely ignored by other living beings at will

granted

Granted. But this only applies to women you date or fap to

But you give unbelievable head.

granted and as soon as you step outside a car runs you over because motorists ignore you

18th century has no rockets friendo, enjoy Earth

Kek

Granted. but it reaches this point in 2030

I wish I wasn't a faggot.

No, but I thought monkeys paws were about wordplay and twisting what you said to make you wish for something you never wished you did. It's not "your wish is granted. ALSO an unrelated side effect I chose outside of the verbatim of your wish ruins it for you".

But there's no road by my front door

I want the paw to not grant anyone's wish ,effect applied after the one being stated right now,and provided it isnt retroactive

granted now you're a nigger jew faggot

Classic!!! Because someone tells then the ship is headed to "mars" that's a good one user.

One internet to you old chap but slave would've done just fine. There were white ones too ya know

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Welcome to Yea Forums nigger

That's no good. I didn't get the Mars part of my wish. I'm suing!

granted, now you're always mad

I want to date a big tiddy latina that will go to the gym with me

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Granted. You weren't a faggot. Now you are.

Can you at least try to play right?

I wish I had a futa gf
>inb4 granted but she's the top because I would be fine with that

Lawyers also didn't exist in the 18th century. Have fun in the cotton fields

Booooo. You had one job.

Granted. Although successful, your children grow up with heart defects, immunodeficiency disorders, and muscular atrophy from the 2/3s gravity. The radiation makes the leading cause of death cancer, and of massive lymphatic system failure from your inability to keep out the micron sized martian dust filled with perchlorates that seeps through every bulkhead, door, hatchway, and even gets into your suits and clothing. After setting down a planet wide dust storm begins and shows no sign of stopping for decades, forcing you to abandon solar power and instead rely on radioisotope thermoelectric generators that produce less power than you need, forcing you to ration power for life support. Suicides, depression and mental disorders brought on by chemical contamination and brain tumours are rampant, but somehow the colony barely manages to survive.

And the united arab emirates are next door with a colony of around 600,000 that have de-evolved into a islamic, cannibalistic cult of pedophiles that preys on your colony for meat and attacks you in an insane martian jihad.

I wish all gay and bisexual people would turn straight so everyone is heterosexual.

No u

I wish I was Over Powered in a way that an overtuned hacked MMORPG character would be.

Granted, but she's morbidly obese and can't exercise, she will also make you pay for her massive heroin habit

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I wish for a strong muscular rich loyal obedient orc gf

Monkey Paw, i wish that the gender Futanari really exist

Granted, now the world becomes overpopulated and there's nowhere to live. Humankind starts to purge itself back to medieval times

Monkey Paw grant my wish?

You have impeccable gaydar. Thus you know well before you see the penis that it is a trap and therefore it is no longer a "trap" for your purposes

You're getting meta pawed dude. Just remember who comes to you in times of trouble and the words of wisdom she's speaking.

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I wish I had a small little girl slave

Granted, but you can only use the ability once, and die within 24 hours after using your ability

Granted, but she's the size of a bacteria

Granted. You are captured by the chinese and killed with chinese water torture, dying when the dripping water finally carves its way through your skull

Granted. She is a small little girl. Exactly 3 inches tall and age 3.

i wish for the ability to manipulate people's feelings, addictions and attractions

I wish to be a surgeon.

I wish she would date me

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Read the fine print. Also read The foreword of Ray Bradbury's "The Mars Chronicles" mars, egypt, Egypt, Mars

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Granted. You are now a rectal surgeon that specializes in treating the elderly

Granted. You get your strong muscular rich loyal obedient orc gynecologist friend. He's too busy at his Private Practice office to hang out most of the time.

I wish I had the entire knowledge of the internet in my mind at my beck and call.

Deku Zelda does fuck you. Congrats.

>gf
>he
i demand a refund

I wrote u one user

Its actually plausable too!

LOL those two are holding hands LOL gay

>Deku Zelda
I ain't talkin about DEKU ZELDA I'm talking about the best qt3.14 in the universe >: (

Look, I don't have a copy of the Mars Chronicles lying around. The slave idea is a good twist. Just tell me if there was a colony town called Mars or something? Is that the joke?

Honestly punishment enough in itself.

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Granted, but due to the amount of knowlege your mind contains you become severely autistic

I wish there was no animal cruelty.

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For Aliens to fully reveal themselves and assist Humankind with our evolution.

jokes on you i'm already severely autistic

Humans evolve into apes.

Poor guy. Some of the best gynecologists are men. You could at least give him a chance.

Granted. Aliens reveal themselves and begin abducting and experimenting on humans that are genetically pure, euthanizing all the rest. They mess with the human body until it can survive in a vacuum but become hollow minded servants slaved to the new alien overlords as playthings, servants, and cattle.

Kek

Granted, but all animals turn into humans, and they're abused just as vitriolically for being retards by default.

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I wish that the world was filled with magic, fantasy-like geography + mythical creatures, and humans that knew how to control it in a way that makes life more fun to live, based on my preferred definition of "fun"

Nah like you are a little kid on the ship right? and someone, a parental figure or something, points up at mars and tells you that's where the ship is heading. They didn't know it was Mars but somehow they convinced you saying that the daylight in the port holes was just you zipping past stars. It kinda made it worth it in your mind because you will actually think you're on mars. The whippings are painful as all hell though.

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I wish this actually was Gabe Newell

Granted, but Blizzard

Ah ok.

i wish to be the girl

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Oh so that's why that started happening. I always thought it was gonna be radio waves. Turns out, monkey paw

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monkeypaw I wish for matching doubles on my post's digits

monkeypaw confirmed for bullshit

Clarify: the guy or the stuffed animal?

You fuuuuuuuuck

I wish I was dead right this very instant from something quick and painless

He got dubs, just later on with a different, unnoticed post. Monkey paw works.

We did this. You get reincarnated as you.

actually no this is my only post after posting that
quit trying to play mind games with me you bullshit monkey paw

I wish the monkey paw ceased to exist

the guy. you're supposed to exploit or twist unspecific wishes. that's how monkey paw really works

You get hit by a train, which is an object that is both quick and lacks pain sensations. The train only hits your left side, tearing off your left arm and leg, where you slowly bleed out while just barely conscious enough to feel the agony until you pass away. Also, a kid is gonna find your corpse next to the train tracks. He gonna poke you with a stick.

monkeypaw I wish for doubles of the name number at the end of this current post's postnumber

Granted, but now human culture accepts that cat paws grant wishes.

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