Meanwhile at the USG Ishimura

Please leave the vent

Hello there fellow planet-crackers. Would you like to hear about out Lord and Savior, Michael Altman? He died for your sins, you know.

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Sorry man, vent party got out of control again. We'll remember to be a little cleaner next time.

I'm the only one here that doesnt fuck? I was in the medical bay the other day and holy shit there are a lot of babies there wtf?

i just can't wait to be hooked up onto the needle in the eye machine

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You should come on down to hydroponics. We don't even remember most of the babies we end up making.

guys im feeling depressed and suicidal all of a sudden
shouldn't have taken this contract man

Abortion is illegal in space so we just freeze all the babies until we go back to earth and can deal with them.

I'm putting in for a transfer next week. You should come with. No way things can be this bad on the Event Horizon.

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You're never gonna believe this T. I'm on some spaceship called the Itchy moolah, they got these weird satanic fucks talkin some sacriligeous shit about a giant black rock called a marker. They say they're the church of unique biology doin some sick rosemary's baby type shit. Call Chrissy and have him get me the fuck outta here.

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top kek

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So anyone know what was that "marker" thing everyone is talking about?

Some stupid fuck tried to finger my butthole in the dark ventilation maintenance room. Which one of you fucks was it?

Janitor here. Just wanted to say I fucking hate every single one of you.

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>this junior engineer who tried to use the Kinesis Module to jerk off and ripped his dick off
MY FUCKING SIDES

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Fucking same, I'm tired of cleaning the shit and blood of a bunch of autists, I'm transfering to the Sprawl tomorrow to live a quiet life for the rest of my days, fuck all of you.

One of those unitards just came up to me and said "MAKE ASSHOLE". What did he mean by this?

He might have been trying to solicit you. I'd avoid the showers for a while.

I cant hear you Paulie, the reception is shit
Listen me and Christopher are going for a drive so I need you to meet up with this Issac Clarke, guys an ex- entrepreneur or someshit and he killed 16 negromorphs barehanded ,he will get you out of there safe and sound.

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I hate this goddamn place. It's too dark and almost all of the staff in my sector are either sick or disappeared. There's also this bacteria stuff growing on the walls, Janitors, I know you get paided minimum wage but that doesn't mean you should half-ass your cleaning
Glad I'm retiring in a few days

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>negromorphs

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You know, Altman predicted all this

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>tfw it's biannual penis inspection day in Dr Mercer if on duty today
I fucking hate this place.

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I meant "tfw it's biannual penis inspection day and Dr Mercer is on duty today", but had a mini stroke.

guy I found a living gloryhole growing in one of the bathroom stalls
shit is awesome , hope I don't get space aids from it tho

what if I use TK to put the cum back in my dick, I don't wanna lose my sperm count

You didn't hear this from me... Apparantly this ship has never left earth and we're in some sort of simulation. Do whatever you want, this isn't real.

>Surface damages from some asshat during boarding
>Send me out to fix it
>Come back and some douchebag's rewired the door so it keeps slamming shut over and over
>No kinesis refill out here
Real funny, dickheads. Let me in. I can't fucking breathe.

No. Just no.
And why the fuck are so many of you guys jerking off in your fucking RIGs? Those are company property and NOT for entertainment or personal projects! If you guys keep this up we're going to start deducting cleaning fees from your salaries!
Command out.

Hey, command. Can you tell us why the fuck you gave the pulse rifle that riot control firing method? You know, the one where it sprinkles bullets around in a radius? It's fucking retarded, and some dumbass accidentally set it off. We're down like 5 guys because of it.

I played dead space 2 a little passed the first boss then never played it again. Worth completing?

Fuck lads I just replayed the series like last fall or something. But I've been getting the itch to play again. Do I do it?
I think I went hardest difficulty last time I played. Is there any challenge sort of runs I should do to spice it up.

cringe

Yeah, the Event Horizon seems like a sweet deal. Still, I'm heading to the Nostromo. They have this bonus situation I'm dying to be apart of.

New game+. Choose 2 weapons you never use and finish the run using only them.

Sounds tight. Make sure you read their employment contract start to finish beforehand. They always like to get you with the small print.

You’re right. The sleep joke was cringe

Gotta fucking love (((Weyland-Yutani))) and their bullshit. Will do my man. Stay safe.

The Riot Control fire settings for the pulse rifle are explained in the user manual and your security operations officer should have made you watch a film explaining the functions and uses of said rifle.
Actually, what is your CEC Employee Number? Who is your current supervisor? Those things aren't supposed to be accessible outside of emergencies and only command can give out the unlock codes. Please remain at your terminal we need to investigate this situation. We'll be sending down someone to meet you.

You too. I'llLIBERATE send aTUTEME messageEX when we hit AlphaINFERIS Centauri.

My CEC Employee Number is FUCK YOU
AND FUCK YOUR MARKER

but Saargee?
I get lonely out there
welding those stupid beams in zero-G
watching my cum permeate from my RIG, turning into these pearly white balls and drifting away in the black void of space is the only joy I got in my life sage

It's 1142eatmyass

Sup guys, just got transferred here. What is this Peng I keep hearing about?

Sure, rookie. But it's a secret. Lean in close.

Maybe if all those cockmonglers from medical didn’t hide cloned limbs and blood everywhere it might be a bit easier to clean the fucking place.
Halloween was ten months ago, for fucks sake.

Okay, real funny guys. Look, I'm a new guy here okay? Just transferred in about 3 months ago. My supervisor is on my ass to clean up the intranet boards here on the ship and make it look better to improve morale. I'm not trying to get you guys in trouble but throw me a bone here. Just stop the crazy shit and talk about nice stuff for once. And please stop posting things that are obviously against the CEC code of conduct! That's not too much to ask right? If you guys keep it up they're going to restrict access and make you guys sign each post with your employee number and the terminal you used or else the post gets blocked. I'm new but I know these ships all develop their own personality and I don't want you guys to lose that, just tone it down a little!

check it out bros
rookie does it for free lmao

Do it for free? I don't understand?
Yes, monitoring intranet traffic was not officially part of my job description... And yes, I was ordered to do this during non-shift hours so I guess I'm not being paid.... But it's still important! I got hired on to support and assist the captain in anything he might need. So no, this isn't my "job", but crew relations is an important duty of the captain and I hope to advance in rank so that one day I'll be the captain of my own planet cracker come day!

How do I get these weird cult guys to fuck off along with that one Engineer who keeps babbling about no gf

Ok, electrical here, who the FUCK keeps stealing all our goddamn power nodes?! Half the doors won’t work and there’s not a thing we can do about it, because we've got less than half the stock we started out with
What do you assholes even need them for?

Engineering here. Why the fuck did you guys decide it was a good idea to build battery powered doors? And then you don't even lock the fucking box where the batteries are stored?! It's a fucking safety hazard so me and the boys have been rounding them up to teach you all a lesson. If you want them back we got a whole stash down in a locker somewhere.
Fun fact, if you hook enough of them up together and then shoot it with a plasma cutter in zero G it looks pretty fucking cool.
Peace out, nerds.

Sorry, a blast partially blinded me last week. I was looking for my keys.

Hey guys! Do you like my new tattoo? The design just kinda popped into my head so I just had to get it done. Cool, right?

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Guys this total qt from that gay unitology club I joined last week asked me to make her whole
I think is happening bros
wish me luck

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Yo man I don't want to piss on your parade here but the same thing happened to me on Titan Station. Was out with the boys having a drink and then this fine bitch comes up to me and starts talking all this shit about the Unitology thing. I was like 6 beers in and she had her tits hanging out so of course I agreed to whatever she said.
Next thing I remember is I wake up in some auditorium and some fag is screaming about some shit and everyone is kneeling in front of this gay statue. They're all wearing robes and shit too, it was freaky as fuck. I just kinda got up and left, had to catch the shuttle back to the Ishimura anyway. My point is, just forget her man. This Unitology shit is nuts, they worship some weird modern art sculpture dude, it's all a scam. She somehow got my RIG address and sent me messages for like 3 months begging me to come back and to donate to her gay club. I think it's all a scam dude.

Yo guys Clarke's girlfriend looking good

FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR THREAD!

>tfw keep hearing banging in the walls

Ship security here. Which one of you faggots scattered tool and ammunition all over the ship?

Can somebody help me with this asshole? He's bloody trying to kill me nearly every single day. Told the captain about this and in the end he gave up. Tried to lure him to the engines, but every time I try he does a 180 before I can even punch the button.

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Dude just fucking space him and seal the bulkhead

>joining those unitardogy groups
>tfw

I heard they are sluts tho might join then quit after i get some of that puss

FUCK EARTHGOV

MARS AETERNAM

Tried that too. When I did it I thought it was over. Then the next day I can hear his gurgling behind the tightly sealed-off doors of my room. It's beyond irritating. I honestly don't know why he's non-stop after me. What did I do wrong? I didn't even do anything to him. I just saw him from afar, he also saw me from afar and all of a sudden he's running after me with murderous intents.

Dead series

Which one of you fuckers didn’t decontaminate before entering hydroponics. All day I’ve scrubbing some kind of mold off the walls and it’s pissing me off.If we go down, the ship goes down, so take a shower next time you come here or better yet don’t come at all.

>>>reddit

PFRHPTTPHHRHT I AM STUPID POOPOO NIGGER PEE HAHA SMELLY POO

Yo man I wouldn't touch her. She's fine as fuck but she's fuckin' nuts. Tried to bed her down the other day and she just kept babbling about some fucking "marker" or something. I gave her a sharpie and the bitch just started drawing some shit on the wall of her bunk. I don't know if she's been drinking that illegal hydroponics alcohol or what but she's nuts. The sad thing is she keeps trying to call Issac but she just types in random numbers and then starts crying. Total turn-off. I heard this Clarke guy doesn't even work here, he's some grease monkey that works under contract lol.

Man have you tried talking to him maybe he's more of a sexual assault rather than violent assault kind of guy

Does that ship use babylon 5 shadow tech?

>and why is my brain screaming, oh god

>negromorphs

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Y'all whitebois tryina see me in Z-Ball?

I swear whoever keeps singing Twinkle Twinkle in the vents is going to get a plasma cutter shoved so far up their ass

Command here, second shift. CEC ID #07374-27
Plasma cutters are to be used for engineering related duties only! In the past 2 weeks we've had 7 engineers transported to the medical bay for unauthorized use of the plasma cutters. The last engineer was admitted after he accidentally sliced off a finger while attempting to "slice the cap off a beer as it was flying through the air in a zero G environment." As a quick reminder to all personnel on the USG Ishimura, BEER CANS ARE NOT CERTIFIED PLASMA SAFE!!! Plasma cutters are tools, not playthings! You will not be reminded again. Please refrain from storing excess plasma cutter batteries in lockers, as this is a fire hazard and against CEC regulations.

You ever wonder why all of our powertools are incredibly dangerous and can blast somebody to pieces?

Because rocks are pretty hard my dude mining equipment has to be strong as for the other equipment I don't know dude

Nah bro, it's a bad idea. I remember bedding her and post coitus the bitch was singing twinkle twinkle in my ear
Shit's whack, yo

Who raped my nigger? God damn it you fucking faggots, don't you fucking know how long it takes to clone a new nigger? Fuck you faggots I'm taking a shit in hydroponics

Rocks are tough, man. Just don't ben an idiot and launch a ripper blade. The janitors are still peeved about that mess

They should be thankful they get to have work. If we don't splatter blood and guts everywhere, they don't get paid. They should be thanking us.

Guys.

I think there are aliens on The ship

you know how it is. Bitches complain about everything. "Oh no, someone's accidentally discharged a contact beam and now there's guts everywhere". Fucking panseys. Engineering has bigger balls than those guys and they're a bunch of nerds.
Speaking of Engi's they really know how to stomp shit. It's insane

Aliens? Nice joke. There are no aliens
This fucking guy, an I right?

Guys, I found an alien. It's got huge tits but this weird looking giant flesh mosquito killed it before I got to bang that alien chick and it's pointing its proboscis at me right now what soh ijfsal,d

>Aliens
stop with the beers my dude they are getting in your brain

There are clearly no aliens here. If you want that kind of shit, do a deep space mission. The Nostromo is hiring. And they have a bonus.

You know my brother's in the corp and i heard they could use more marines especially for the Sulaco

These alien fuckers are getting out of hand. can't we just send them to medical and let them deal with these crazies?

>NEGROMORPHS
You my friend deserve a fucking trophy

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Fuck you, and fuck your tattoo.

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Lads, why the fuck doesn't the flamethrower work outside the ship?

Has anybody been hearing weird noises in the vents late at night, I swear heard something darting around in one of them.

1 and 2 should be mandatory

Medical, do something, one of your retard escaped!

Probably some pervert Engineer. Re[ort it to command and they'll sort it out

Just tell security to kill them

We're in the middle of space. We can't afford to kill them all. It makes a mess
jettison them out the airlock. Much clearner. And maybe janitorial can shut up for once

HOLY SHIT GUYS GET IN TO THE EMERGENCY SHIP PODS THERE SOME FREAKY FUCKING ALIENS GOING AROUND KILLING PEOPLE GET THE FUCK OUT NOW WHILE YOU STILL C

Jokes on you, I launched all the emergency pods already

⊬⊬ ⋏⊬⊬ ⋏ ⊑⟒⟒ ⟟ ⋏ ⟟⋏ ⋔⟒ ⟟⊑⟒ ⋏ ⊑⟒⟒?

So I was talking to this nice chick from medical and all was fine and dandy until she started saying that I should "make her whole"
Guys, I think your Engineer pal is about to get some

I'll throw you a small party when you get back with lots of pizza

1 and 2 are great. 3 is good, it just doesn't have as many scares.
You can't say you like horror games without playing at least the first.

It's a dented wreck that is going to be decommissioned in a year, standards are low

What necromorphs do when nobody is around?

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>this is your brain on unitology.

user don't, your essentially sticking your dick in crazy, its likely she will mutilate your dick

fire requires oxygen to work and space doesn't have oxygen

God I hate those unitology fucks

Foreman says we have to be “tolerant”, but c’mon, these guys are a weird bunch.

Yo this is Jeff from the supply depot. Who the fuck is checking out all these plasma cutters and why? We've got 50 in stock and there's like 45 loaned out to one guy. He wrote his name down as "Mike Rotch" but there's no one in the ship's roster with that name, and his CEC ID doesn't match anyone either. Anyway, it's been happening for weeks now and every time the plasma cutters come back they're all fucked up and it takes me forever to get them tuned back to normal. I'm starting to think it's engineering, the janitors say they keep finding pictures in the trashcans down there that look like crude drawings of several plasma cutters taped together. Just a reminder to everyone that modification of ship equipment does violate the CEC employee code of contact and personally I am sick of having to spend so much time getting this shit working again.

Someone call the ship psychologist. A crew member is experiencing dementia.