Meanwhile aboard the US/v/Ishimura

>Meanwhile aboard the US/v/Ishimura...
Man this is like the 7th suicide this hour! Was the HR department meeting really that bad?

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It's probably because of that absolute CUNT who won't stop fucking about in the vents all goddamn day. That bastard has pissed my sleep schedule up a wall for three fucking days.

*CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG* *CLANG*

>half the doors are on the fritz, and I can’t fix them because all the engineers keep stealing the power nodes
What the fuck are you thieving little assholes using them for, anyway?

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that skin is really overrated?

Is there any news from the surface ? My boyfriend is down there and I miss him dearly. I want to be whole with him again.

Yo where the fuck am I, bros?

>have to get up early because Jim missed his shift again
>supervisor decided to inspect the fans while they were still rotating, and half the staff have fucked off
>can't relax because those unitology cunts have infested the R&R areas
>can't sleep because of the constant scraping noises
I just want something to change. I'll take anything at this point

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Miner here.
Will you fucking retards from ENGINEERING STOP STEALING OUR PLASMA CUTTERS? WE NEED THOSE TO DO OUR JOB

being the janitor on this ship is suffering
every night i have to clean up cold wax because these unitology retards brought over crates of candles and keep leaving used ones over the fucking ship

I'M TIRED OF IT

>be maintenance
>be called to hydroponics
>it's gonna be the gunk in the vents again
>it's the fucking gunk in the vents again
Guys just tell us when the filters need changing it takes TEN FUCKING MINUTES and I don't need to spend half a shift in there with a plasma cutter clearing that shite off.

God there is something dead or rotting in the vents
It stunk up the entire Messhall to the point no one could to eat there
Oh, and the Engineers have turned their little cutting tools into crude firearms
Im definitely complaining to HR
This is an expedition of science, research and geology. NOT A FRAT HOUSE PARTY

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Any idea why do we have to keep this weird thing they brought from the planet's surface?

Listen, I'm not going to spend half an hour cutting through a rogue turbine blade that inexplicably wants me dead when I can just shoot it.

Hey guys I think I just heard somethi

should we check on this guy

I wouldn’t worry about it

Why are they whale noises on my level, seriously did someone bring an animal onboard

Hey bros, there's some chick from med giving handjobs in the bunks while we laugh at vids sent from her boyfriend

*ehem*
fuck whales and fuck greenpeace. thats all, folks

There have always been animals on this ship, we call them unitologists.

The marker is cute! CUTE!

I wanna marry the marker! She's my waifu and we'll be together forever!

Guys I bought a new suit and now I'm stuck inside the machine and can't get out

O fuck, o shit havel is coming

perfect!
they cant get you if you dont come out

I mean, why not? It's not like it's trying to kill us and turn us into zombies.

Who?

greenpeace

but what if they did though. i wonder what we'd smell like, that's not weird, right? haha

Hey, which one of you bastards keeps smashing open boxes. You do know you can just tap the button on the top you fucking tards.

Anyone tried that trick with jerking your dick while its in statis? Does it feels 10 times better?

I know that's you Steve. Just because your gf offed herself doesn't give you an excuse to fuck over everyone else's.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drill those damn voices out so I can get some sleep.

Hey did someone have a really bad nosebleed? There is blood everywhere!

It feels pretty good, but then you get erectile dysfunction. Would not recommend.

Ok, which one of you cunts keeps hiding fake limbs in the closets? Halloween was months ago, it’s a royal bastard to clean and it smells awful.
I’ll give credit for realism though.

Now that you mention it I do wonder how it would smell if we piled all of humanity in one place. Just hypothetically.

>just came buckets in the hydroponics water
haha everyone shall taste my jizz

Kinesis module feels even better, but you have to be careful not to do it too hard. Ted had an embarrassing trip to medbay last week

Wait, that was how Ted did it?
He told me he was trying to get them to clone him a bigger one.

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Too late, they found an arm in the water supply yesterday. The guys at the limb replacement clinic are fucking around again

Uh, this is medical, I think those might be real user, somebody's been stealing replacement limb parts, even some of the replacement part babies have gone missing. Also can somebody please get maintenance down here for this goddamn smell? The vents are clogged up with that stinking shit again and the filters look like somebody took a shit directly on them, I'm lodging a formal complaint against the guy we called down to clean them out. He went into that vent goddamn four hours ago and all of us are thinking he just fucked off somewhere else when nobody was looking.

>I think those might be real user
well shit. Tough luck for the recycling crew, I guess

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>He went into that vent goddamn four hours ago and all of us are thinking he just fucked off somewhere else when nobody was looking.

no thats me im stuck please send someone else to come get me

What do you mean "where am I" you have a guide you idiot.

I only use stasis when I'm edging, then I use my kinesis module to fling my cummies out the airlock at people doing EVA's. God getting my certifications was the best decision I ever made, and they aren't about to fire me since this whole operation is illegal and they can't afford a leak but last time I did it I saw this weird debris on the hull, guys we should check it out

Oh shit, is that the loud scraping noise we've been hearing up in the air shafts for the past half hour? That's funny, we tried banging on the ceiling to see if you would answer but it stopped after that.

>being a squealer
You know they send people to the surface for that, right?

At least then I'd get some sleep, some faggot is running around in the halls and I swear maintenance has been in the vents for a week now - do they live up there or something?

>been in the vents for a week now
if you faggots could just not clog the pipes i wouldnt have to be up here every fucking day

Hey I saw my buddy Gerald go up there earlier, he looked a little off but I am sure it's nothing. Say Hi to him for me.

Has security caught the notorious vent-shitter yet?

Chief Medical Officer here, stop fucking using your time-slowing shit for sexual activities. It doesn't do anything, and it creates chronological anomalies in your bodies due to the differences in time.

Make
a
k
e
Us
s
Whole
h
o
l
e

Yeah, like huge loads, get fucked in the eye with a syringe your normie-pleb

Ah shit here come the Unitologists, always shitting up every thread, like the vent shitter who keeps shitting up the filters.

Christ, not another one. My roommate keeps banging on about holes with a glazed look in his eye. Freaked me out enough that I swiped a power node to seal my bedroom door shut.
I always knew he was a bender, but he took that shit too far

i have some bad news about Gerald...

*thump* *thump* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*

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Take it up with hydroponics, they're the ones feeding us this crap

This is cloning, we're sick of having to grow replacement penises for you damn stasis-jackers. It's bad enough that the replacement arms are in short supply because somebody thinks it's funny to jam them in lockers.

I wish games like this were made still.

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FUCK OFF, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

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Okay, fess up. Who forgot to refrigerate last weeks lasagna?

Name a better Hud

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Fuck this ship

Yeah go look for him but don’t bring anyone else with you he might get scared

There is none

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God I'm fucking hungry, I could rllrally goofor some steka

Hello fellow Planet-crackers. My name is Mr. Ekralc and I come from......someplace far away. Yes, that's it. I was wondering if some of you might be interested in hearing about Michel Talnam. Did you know he's the savior of humanity and can lead us all to a better life?

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That looks old as shit.
Wait a second is that our ship? What the fuck, when did they make a game about the Ishimura? Did the guys at engineering make it?

>ss13 the thread

Janitor here. I just wanted to say I fucking hate this ship and every single one of you.

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Yes yes, we get it Laurence. You love Event Horizon, but stop quoting it all the god damn time.

Look at those shitty graphics, this game looks like something released in 2272.

oh, yeah, sorry, that was my hamster. pay no mind.

But our ship was commisioned in 2446, how the fuck does that work?

>vuhshimura

Cloning can you make me a second penis? My gf on the bridge wants to be dp'd but I'm not a cuck

This is a PSA from limb replacement. Stop asking for larger penises. You only get a new limb if you lose it first, understood?

Uhhhh I need a medic I just cut off my dick it's bleeding real bad i think im basclji

Come down to my clinic, I'll see what I can do to help you. Please ignore the screams.

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*stomps on ground*
FUCK FUCK DAMMIT FUCK SHIT FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PENG I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL START KILLING YOU FUCKS IF YOU DON'T GIVE HER BACK RIGHT NOW

Some creepy Unitologist just told me to "make asshole", what the fuck did he mean by this?

It means you better not bend over in the showers, lest you have a close encounter with their beloved marker

III'm itchy. Al l o ver. ge
ti t of
f ma k e u
S w H OL E

Fuck Unitologists

Clean it up you fucking cuck. Clean all of it up.

ITCHY
TASTY

to the cunt using her period blood to write shit on the walls
when i find you your ass is grass

You ok m8? You know the crates have an electronic lock, right?

Well I was going to sweep up those scattered eyeballs (seriously, who the fuck gets off to this?!) but since you're around... Clean it up, janny

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DESIGNATED SHITTING PENGUIN

Sorry, medical policy is that we only put back something you lose, not give you spares.

I was in hydroponics today and noticed my pumpkins growing some weird tumour-like bumps. Anyone else had this issue? Still safe to eat?