You wake up as Gabe Newell

>you wake up as Gabe Newell
How do you fix Valve?

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do nothing
sit back and enjoy the hat money

>i die because too fat
welp, that was quick

Immediately get my slacking employees to work on Opposing Force 2.

Nothing at all. Only reddit still cares about valve games and steam is a great store

I buy more knives. I really like knives.

Tease hl3 to break the world for a few weeks

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keep teasing half life 3 and never do shit with it
and on my death bed, i tell everyone that it was a complete fucking scam i perpetuated for shits and giggles

Diet and exercise.

>she doesn't know about the gabe knives

Commit suicide because I'm a morbidly obese 50+year old and all the talent that can make actual games left the company over the last few years and nobody wants to publish on steam anymore

Start a kickstarter for hl3 and never release it. Fly with spacex to Mars and enjoy my billions

Eat tacos and watch my competition shoot itself in the foot repeatedly. Laugh all the way to the bank

Establish a clear chain of command to keep the SJW employees in line.

More kemoshota games

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WHY THE FUCK I'M SO FAT
ÀAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

allow loli games on steam
fire anyone who complains about it

Valve are at a point where they're damned if they do and damned if they dont.
Its too late.

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make and release TF3
it's a singleplayer FPS with no multiplayer

I'll fucking take it at this point
Anything that isn't another dota spinoff

I shoot myself in the fucking head so I can stop hearing everyone bitch about myself and Steam once and for all.

COW MANGLER
A TEAM FORTRESS CARD GAME

I invest in source 3 to make it the ultimate engine to surpass tencent`s UE. Then i make half life 3.
And i overview both projects myself, to prevent any regular valve fuckery.

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l4d3

wouldn't do a damn thing. I'd sit back and enjoy the money.

But what about deathmatch?

Call the plumber.

Anyone have that pic with the steam store filled with hentai games ?

suicide

Release HL4 directly, with a loli anime style

I'll have a cheese burger

sell Valve to EA for millions and cause the entire industry to collapse from the resulting outrage over it

wait tencent owns epic?

I'll pay companies and devs to port their console games to PC (but not make them Steam exclusives) and not just shitty indie titles nobody cares about.

Yeah, +40% iirc.

>I'll pay companies and devs to port their console games to PC (but not make them Steam exclusives) and not just shitty indie titles nobody cares about.
The 2 tps left ?

Make more dota spinoffs while teasing FPS shitters even more.

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gaben is a knife otaku

Rise and shine, Mr Freeman.

You're right. TF3 will be shipped with half life 3: deathmatch.

Gaben doesn't fix valve because steam makes so much money, that it doesnt fucking matter
shits not broken to him

she has landing strip

Release half life 3 without any announcement or ad anywhere and wait to see how long it takes for people to notice.

Eliminate all user reviews from steam. Games that have less than 10k players are invisible for everyone by default. Part of 30% cut would be spended on more ports from consoles on Steam. Start TF3 and Portal 3 development.

Probably sell valve and give money to my parents

>Diet
this

End the trash work ethic where employees are allowed to dick around on worthless projects with no goals or expectations and then not be punished for it when they waste company money on vaporware.