>"I don’t like coffee. I’m British, so I was born with tea running through my veins, which is part of the reason the British are so darn angry all the time, since tea isn’t great for carrying oxygen around the body. But I can appreciate loving a hot, steamy, comforting liquid, served to you at a time of great need."
>"So I fired up The Sims 4 and opened up a Cum Café. Listen, I can’t explain it to you any better than that—it’s a café that exclusively serves semen and semen-related products. I’m sorry. I thought it would make a good Kotaku feature, but instead I’m just deeply ashamed of myself and my actions"
>"Just kidding! I’m not."
>"Just then, like any freelancing individual with a looming deadline, I thought to myself: how can I turn this into work? The answer was obvious. I opened a Cum Café. It’s a café that sells cups of cum, freshly milked from willing participants in the creepy, dingy downstairs sex basement. It’s artisanal cum. Farm-fresh nut milk. The ultimate crema. Hipsters want something new, something exciting; the next kombucha. Kumbucha. So, I’ll give it to them. Oh, I’ll give it to them."
Gamer Man, Gamer Man Hit on the head by the PR band Lives their life in the palm of their hand Gamer Man
Are they depressed? Or are they a mess? Do they feel totally worthless? Who makes games for Gamer Man? Nobody does Gamer Man
Industry Man, Industry Man Industry Man mocks Gamer Man They have a fight, Industry wins Industry Man
Developer Man, Developer Man Developin' games like only he can What's it cost? It's not important Developer Man
Is he a schmuck? Or is he a saint? When crunchin' on a game, how does he play? Or does the job play him instead? Nobody knows Developer Man
Journalist Man, Journalist Man Biggest shill of the industry man Getting fucks and favors man Journalist Man
He got a blowjob and feminist demands Money from Indies and drugs exchanged hands And when they all meet, it's Bribery Land “Gamers should die” man, Journalist Man
Samuel Collins
american biology education is pretty good
Wyatt Brown
>eating shit and swallowing cum are the same you guise
I'm inclined to agree. As much as I hate those Meet'n'Fuck minigames it does lead up to a better payoff compared to those flash games that just instantly load into a porn loop with a few different camera angles. Even shitty games like House Party makes it more enjoyable because of all the stuff you have to do in order to get rewarded.
Logan Price
these things literally exist in real life so why does this faggot think its special that he made one in a video game?
call me when there's a "raid middle-schools for lolis, train them to be compliant/submissive, and open a loli-sex-slave dungeon" mod.
Dylan Lewis
WOO I FUCKIN LOVE FARTNITE ARE MARBEL
Jason Long
Wow user you're so cool, can you be my friend?
Adam Wright
>Horse semen without sucking the horse cock Let me suck the dick too and then it will be worth buying
Justin Rogers
OP still manages to win the semen drinking contest with an impressive two gallons lead
Austin Parker
Its like Yea Forums threads. They live on negative/attention grabing news/insults/clickbaits/funny faces etc..
Kevin Gomez
surely this is satire commenting on the absurdity of what the game allows right?
Fuck that, imagine if a guy wrote this article at all. It wouldn't be up for a day.
Aiden Morales
Women are so trashy now. Every girl I date wants to fuck on the first date. First date and she's like "i want you to use me". Even my ex gf was letting me touch her tits in a park at the end of the first date
More evidence that men are efficient, supreme beings while femoids are wasteful laggards
Cameron Jones
Honestly shocked it wasn't written by one of the trans writers
also WTF with that screenshot with the child in
Justin Clark
>500 IQ 4D chess It's a 10 IQ 2D game of checkers
Xavier Lewis
A standard coffee cup is about 150ml, and the average ejaculation volume is 3ml, so you’d need 50 men to produce a cup of semen. If you hired “milkers” who could get each dude off in about 10 minutes, it would take a little over 8 hours to produce one beverage. If you’re paying them NYC minimum wage ($15) this works out to about $120 per unit in wage costs, which are typically about 30% of a restaurant’s total operating costs. Let’s bump that ratio up to 50% since your primary ingredient is being donated for free.
So for this cafe to break even, you’d have to charge $240 for one Cup O’ Cum. As an accountant I must say that this business model is not viable.
Evan Barnes
If it was a guy who wrote this article he'd already be out of a job.
Ethan Barnes
>Nooooo we need to talk about white genocide. IM OPRESSED AND NEED ATTENTION FUCK VIDEO GAMES
Brody Green
Anyone who thinks this is anything short of hilarious needs to pull the stick out of their ass.
John Edwards
>25 dollars when horses squirt this shit out by the bucketload
Christopher Hernandez
It's not really their fault. Evolution has led to Them adopting a scorched earth policy
Bentley Mitchell
i've never lasted more than 30 minutes, i either come by that time or i stop because my dick will get chaffed
This is the sort of shit that Yea Forums would love if it was a thread here. Kotaku hate just supersedes everything because le cultute faggots who grew up on this trash heap dont have a personality beyond Yea Forums memes
Grayson Foster
what if they pay to get their rocks off for women to gokkun their cum?
Luis Jenkins
To a certain degree. Too much grinding or non porn based gameplay is some of the worst things in a porn game since very few are good enough as games to warrant spending too long playing the game parts. I just wish more games incorperated the erotic content into the gameplay
Jayden Torres
Id be spunking in her coffee at work from now on though
Carter Lee
I want a cafe that serves human eggs like caviar on the side. Yum Yum!
Nathan Bailey
Sounds like something Yea Forums would do.
Charles Reed
What are the best games in which you can fuck hairy fat men? Asking for a friend.
Jose Moore
Better be black semen. None of that sterile whiteboi shit
Logan Nguyen
Boy I should really vote for more Democrats
Charles Ward
go back to twitter, Kate
Asher Lee
Seriously how much do these journalists get paid to write this shit? Do they actually make enough to survive?
Henry Young
Just go to /aco/ they've had several Sims threads for the last two or so months
Noah Morris
>uhhh why are you trying to disscuss in a forum >uhhh why are you trying to stop people from playing video games where they are not playing video games
Get a load of these mouthbreathers
Aaron Martinez
GET HER FIRED NOWWWW
Lincoln Wilson
>Doujin where some Jewess accountant tries to dissuade the owner of the cum cafe from going ahead with the business but gets mind broken and turned into a cum slut instead abandoning her shekel values
>read article >immediately get disgusted because a woman wrote it >realize i'll probably laff it off as a joke if a dude wrote it instead hmmmmm
Hunter Turner
woman aren't as pure and fragile delicate flowers as the media say they are and not I'm not just talking twitch whores and cosplay thots either.
Jackson Ward
Not to mention diminishing returns and quality after each subsequent ejaculation and the sheer amount of doners needed as well as storage ,STD testing, licenses and city health standards
Joshua Wood
Cringe
Aaron Green
But it looks like she's taking it extremely seriously, it's not even done half as amusingly as Moe Lester and Chinman's tale
Austin Adams
>Girls want to have sex with you If I were in your place I would take them up on their offers.
Jackson Peterson
This is a site for shitposting not an individual writing for a "press" institution as a "journalist" getting paid to publish what are essentially shitposts. Honestly some of it is jealousy because most of us could write better more interesting shitposts in our sleep, she spends too much time jumping out of the fantasy and breaking the 4th wall to the reader which kills the suspension of disbelief, if the reader knows you're only pretending to be retarded then the shitpost doesn't work
This is the Sims, there is probably some basement hobby scientist fag who created a serum/booster from fairy dust to make guys cum in the bucketloads and now it's gotten into the wrong hands to capitalize on cum worshipping thots.
A journalist's job is to generate clicks. They want to get a reaction out of you so you'll go click on the link and read it. Everybody in this thread who went to go and see if this article was real or not is actively encouraging this type of writing. If you don't want to see it any more, literally just ignore it.
Aaron Perry
1: Use a fucking pastebin 2: This article didn't deserve to be posted here 3: Glad you're still a faggot OP 4: Use a fucking pastebin
Mine doesn't taste like anything in particular. It's supossed to change with diet. It smells like pancake batter.
Brayden Nguyen
just create and sell lab-grown cum should be achievable soon enough as long as you don't care about having actual genetic material in your cum drink
Camden Morgan
She probably sells responsibly sourced fair trade semen from all over the world >Nordic Nut >Jaboodi Shooty >Colombian Cum >Jamaican Jizz >Moscow Man Milk >Scheswan Sperm Boston Babby Batter is a popular blend
Gavin Brown
Irl they'd sell espresso-size shots and probably mix it with something else for better taste. Irl the'd employ illegals without any minimum wage bullshit. Irl you're a bad accountant.
Owen Phillips
>You would need 50 men to produce a cup of semen 1 Chad could do it, that would drastically cut costs
Aiden Rogers
>futa on male Bro that's kinda gay
Ryan Reed
>GMO >Lab grown Do you think the people who shop at semen cafes want that mass produced garbage. The kind of folk who shop there demand organic, free range, locally soused, pineapple fed semen from the most artisinally raised Chads and Tyrones
Adrian Clark
So, just a normal Sims 4 playthrough.
That's nothing compared to the levels of degeneracy you can find on the modding community
Josiah Young
>my favorite pizza place used to (have a sex dungeon), until some jerk from North Carolina rolled up and shut it down. fucking keked
Those who fight soi should be careful lest they become the soi themselves.
Jack Baker
>picture is Y&B >text is B&R What a balanced post
Jacob Gutierrez
>wh*te women Not once
Brayden Roberts
I like this girl.
Jacob Baker
>Clickbait article that links directly to shittaku
Hi Cecilia.
Julian Brooks
If this were done in a thread by some guy on Yea Forums, you'd be screaming to get in the screencap and spamming BASED
Jonathan Green
Please don't sully TMBG with your awful reddit shit
Luke Watson
you find out your girl has been spending all her time at a cum cafe, what you doing?
Elijah Robinson
>10 minutes You kidding me? Your average hooker can do a couple dozen loads an hour. Most men shoot in like two to three minutes.
Angel Diaz
Damn it, the perfect time to post the "Europeans are poor and sustain on American cum" comic and I can't find it
Sebastian Bailey
Remember that old as fuck meme of USA shipping europoors our semen? What a timeline..
Samuel Nelson
>STD testing >health standards It's an organic cum bar, no GMOs, no pesticides or chemicals, cruelty free and free range, grass fed!
Nicholas Adams
Take photos/videos of her being there, you never know when making her cum guzzling public knowlege might come in handy.
Dylan Cox
Mine tastes like the gooey part of tomatoes, afterwards it leaves a fresh tingly sensation. Not bad, but it would be 10x better if it was way warmer and didn't get could so fast
Jason Rogers
You know, articles like this used to be not uncommon before the the Anitapocalypse, when anything regarding women or sex was immediately deemed hate speech. I don't dislike this article, it seems like a perfectly fine joke of a thing.
Though I am surprised to see it on Kotaku; the biggest PC Police of them all.
Logan Nelson
the difference between then and now is this isn't a joke article in any capacity
The difference is user doesn't get paid to shitpost, and user dont pretend to be a news website. This freelancer posts clickbait shitposts for normie clicks and money while also claiming to be a legitimate news source.
Brandon Martin
It seems pretty tongue in cheek to me. Are you sure you're not projecting?
Jonathan Hall
Kotaku has stressed for over a decade that it's a "culture blog", not a news site. People used to complain when they had ten articles a day about random Japanese products and other weird shit. They've been the buzzfeed of gaming since the beginning and they've never been afraid to defend themselves as such.
Leo Nguyen
Honestly i was expecting posts to cum drinking videos or at least panda links.
Kayden Gomez
stfu tranny
Alexander Bell
Where do they claim to be a legitimate news source?
Lucas Brown
This reminds me of someone I dated so much, especially the male sim being similar to me
Connor Baker
Of course it's a joke you fucking idiot
Caleb Martinez
dilate
Oliver Campbell
>tfw no futa cum cafe irl
Jacob Cruz
See, this is the issue. You're no different than those fucking fad trannies chopping off this cocks because its cool while screeching about anything that they dislike because their damaged brains think it insults them. That article is dumb but I fail to see how anyone can take it seriously. At worst its a clickbait article, but the tone makes it seem far more like a joke than anything.
You're sitting here freaking out about an article about sex. You've become the censor and the prude. You are everything you claimed to hate.
Jeremiah Thomas
I have so many questions
Angel Rodriguez
more like dick in cheek
Levi Perry
>typing all that shit dilate holy fuck
Jacob Mitchell
Sims 3 is so clearly miles ahead in every sense. Buggy as fuck and requires a lot of horsepower, but definitely better.
There is no point in playing Sims 4 since it's not really graphically better and the open world is gone. Not to mention it's way more tainted in EA Jew corruption than 3.
But go ahead and shovel out another $1000 for the complete Sims 4 and all its shitty DLCs and stuff packs when the perfect Sims already exists.
Brody Moore
>It smells like pancake batter. Mine smells like foul bleach detergent. What did my body mean by this?
Hunter Martin
>Illiterate >Illogical >Easily angered >Lacks any comeback other than insults
Considering the level of brain damage you're exhibiting, I'm starting to think you're a tranny false flagger.
>futa cum cafe >all the chairs are rock hard futa cocks to sit on >your starter is a futa load served on massive futa titties before the main dish of one futa cock down your throat, followed by futa creampie dessert
>tfw never ever
Jason Richardson
Because it's about literal cum guzzling as opposed to figurative.
Ethan Sullivan
someone get this (wo)man a dilation station STAT
Connor Cox
>But go ahead and shovel out another $1000 for the complete Sims 4 I haven't paid for the sims since the sims 1. The DLC model has always been full of cash grab bullshit.
Why aren't you using the website that allows you to link shit sites like Kotaku without giving them a view? Not that I can remember the name of the site
Charles Cruz
>Trannies are so mentally ill that they can't play monster hunter
Elijah Rogers
So why is this woman just allowed to fetishize men and conceptualize them as things to be used to produce product?
Charles Sanders
You got a problem with women sucking dick, Faggot?
QUESTION FOR GF: The Sims4 is basically the only game my gf [female] plays. I talked her into downloading nude loli mods, but can't seem to find any, since it seems loverslab has banned them. Any help?
>not wanting a hot anime girl with a beautiful futa cock to poke and prod your eager hole as she slowly shoves her warm meat rod into your ass as she caresses and strokes your dick Sounds like you're the faggot here
The OP isn't meant to discuss. It's Yea Forumss equivalent of clickbait purely meant for anons to be outraged a bit and ironically pretend to be retarded to farm (You)s.
actually incels would be more effective, when you dont get laid it tends to accumulate
Blake Nelson
>oh fuck i spent the whole week wasting my time with the sims again and the editor wants another article and rent is due soon what the FUCK do i do Crazy that people actually make money writing down their inane ramblings.
Games journalism doesn't really exist anymore >News everything gets posted to Twitter, RSS and email as soon as it happens with thousands of e-celebs reacting to it on youtube and threads all over sites like Yea Forums. >Interviews Companies formulate their own videos to send direct to the public to ensure they aren't misrepresented >Reviews People turn to their favorite e-celeb to review the newest titles or even ignore reviews and just watch in-game footage from one of thousands of people playing the game at any given moment. Metacritic user score is seen as more important than what any publication has to say.
And so every husk of a publication is left only able to re-phrase and quote the company press-releases everyone already gets forwarded to them and nothing to offer in terms of content that will bring in readers to consume their ads. So they do what no one asked for in the hopes of standing out. That's why it's always contrarian, fetishistic, clickbait "AND THAT'S A GOOD THING" opinion pieces, they literally don't have anything else to offer the world.
if anything the writer would be a feminist feminist love talking about their disgusting liquids
Christian Gutierrez
Pretty sure at this point you can sing up to write Kotaku/Univision articles like Medium does and they just put the most poignant and popular in front. Only editors make money now
Connor Brooks
so what mods do I need to run a cafe like this myself?
Jeremiah Hernandez
it's obviously not real semen, horse semen doesn't even look like that. Obviously it's a joke drink to dare your friends into.
Alexander Roberts
How do you know what horse jizz looks like?
Jaxson Ross
I've seen it you faggot.
Logan Phillips
even now only boomers and millennials are the only ones eating this shit because it ALWAYS being reposted and re-reposted on facebook. Teens don't even read the articles, don't need to when the headline is the on that gets the attention. Teens only "watch news" in video for either in short forms on snapchat or insta moments
Gabriel Allen
t. white woman
Levi Bennett
There are no British people in the Island of Britain other than the waki pakis.
Juan Watson
Did you see the horse cum? How would you know it's real otherwise
Carson Thompson
>Did you see the horse cum? yes. how the fuck do you post here and not ever see a horse ejaculate?
Ryder Baker
that would be false advertising and illegal people are paying $25 for horse cumshots you cant just sell them milk
William Murphy
I need a repack of Sims 3 with all the lewd mods packed in, I'm far too lazy to fuck with sims 3. Sims 4 is trash, though.
Elijah Howard
So they published the same article twice?
Gavin Gomez
Not him but I don't spend my day watching animals cum
Samuel Jackson
POTTERY
Parker Gray
WHERE ARE THE BLACKED WEBMS????
Leo Foster
back to your containment board you degenerate niggers
Ryder Jones
>linking kotaku hello shills hope you get your paycheck for tricking people into looking at advertisements
BREAKING NEWS! Journalists sick freaks with too much time on their hands! #RESIST
Levi Davis
Based and saved
Bentley Thompson
That's why porn mods in the sims are great. You make your own buildup/story. You have so many options and you aren't constrained by the sexual interests of whoever made the game. I get much less satisfaction from just making sims randomly and instantly fuck without any interactions before/after
Tyler Russell
amazing how this reads like pasta
Justin Jenkins
This would be the case if this was still Yea Forums instead of Reddit.
Austin Jones
I'd love to watch her guzzle it down from the source desu
Ayden Gomez
one is upside down, user
Adrian Johnson
Wow, you must be real fun at parties.
Justin Martin
MORE
Thomas Cooper
oof
Cooper Moore
being a freelance journalist sounds awful and incredibly unstable unless you’re well-published and renowned.
James Brown
>When did video game journalism become this bad? See >kotaku.com Is why It's always been bad but it fell off a cliff around 2005 when Jack tombson and SA hot coffee mod was all the rage and print media died shortly after
Blake Morales
>futa Bro that's kinda gay
Mason James
I feel dirty after just skimming through this thread
Real sodom and gomorrah shit
Nicholas Price
Futa on female isn't gay at all though. One dick interfacing with one vagina. No different than a normal male with a female, except the standin for the male has tits to play with.
Xavier Ross
What are some good cum drinking videos?
Ayden Evans
Thought they were going bankrupt. Who the fuck supports Kucktaku
Imagine being the guy that starts a fuss in a bar because you know the semen isn't real >this tastes nothing like horse jizz >I want my money back >you're all a bunch of frauds >I'm letting everyone on Yelp know you're ripping them off!
