Meanwhile at Umbrella Labs

Ever notice how former Umbrella research staff don't seem to land new jobs despite having experience with a top pharmaceutical firm like Umbrella? Weird right? It's almost like they just disappear off the face of the earth.

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HR is the worst department in this entire company. I told them that the Dickers we made had taken over one of our testing labs and they said they'd send word to head office. One week later and the Dickers are still loose, only now our Dicker program's funding has been tripled

I fucking hate vegans so much bros. Fine, they wanna eat plants? I'll make them into fucking plants. I've put some Plant 43 seedlings into the cafeteria selection then I'm going home early.

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This one time we were working on this parasite that was infected with a virus and my supervisor left the room. My idiot coworker starts dangling it over a damn T-Unit body, fucktard dropped it right in its mouth. We had to quarantine the whole lab. He gets promoted for a scientific breakthough. Failing upward much?

Wesker wants to congratulate you on your fine work user. Come to the Tyrant testing room

I've got a crush on this Japanese qt. What department does she work in?

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Wilpharma are hirin-
>shut down for viral development and the creation of biological weapons
Tricell are hirin-
>shut down for viral development and the creation of biological weapons

Umbrella is hiring. (the blue one) Try applying there.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BLUE ROOSTER CRANK I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT.

all I fucking ask for is a work schedule that's not as volatile and unpredictable as R&D's latest experiments on attempting to weaponize moles and gophers as carriers

Hey, it's Bring Your Fertile 12-Year-Old to Work Day. Why the fuck didn't anyone else bring their kid? How come I'm the only one stuck playing Dad at work? Christ.

WHO THE FUCK TOOK MY WRISTBAND! NOW I CAN'T GET INTO THE TOILET TO TAKE A SHIT!

Bring your daughter to the Chimera breeding lab and get ready for a promotion.

whatever you fuckers do don't open the fridge in the break room ever again

> In its place, the Chimera project was started, which intended to graft insect DNA into human embryos. Homeless women were abducted by Umbrella agents and forcibly impregnated with the modified embryos.

Jesus Christ

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Bring Your Daughter to Work Day has been a massive success. We only lost two this year.

Guys I spiked Jane's coffee with some diluted G-Virus and she grew some extra tits, lol.

What are the qualifications to become a security guard here?

Eagerness to participate in assisting with research and development.

You've got to suck Hunk's big veiny dick

You guys are a pharmaceutical company, why the hell would you need security to participate?

Is there any room in this company for the development of monster girls? They'll undoubtedly be great bioweapons for blending into civilian environments.

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Ok guys, I'm going to leave my briefcase here. It has a combination lock, so don't even think of breaking into it.
Just so I don't forget the combination, I'll write a hint here. Don't read the following if you're not me.

4 birds sat on a branch
And the branch broke in 2
3 birds fell off the edge
So 1 had nothing to do

Is it 4231?

Here at Umbrella, we're all one big family, and we help and support each other whenever we can. Security is invaluable for the development of specific pharmaceutical agents, and the eggheads in R&D help with locking down specific areas so that only authorized personnel get access. That's the way it was founded.

FUCK

Well a big plus to being secuirty here is, When the order to exterminate a facility or sector comes down. You get to work with ubss and not die. Plus you get to work with hunk sometimes.

Finally quitting this terrible company. Handed in my two weeks notice. All I have left to do now is assist the Tyrant research staff with their experiments, which is strange since I work in the kitchens.

It's all a part of the Tyrant Souffle program, it's just a huge misnomer.

What's been the worse event to happen at your company?

Hey guys, new hire here. Could someone come open the toilets in the BF2 Lab?

I took the Raven Crest instead of the Eagle Crest and now the door is locked.

Bad news, nobody knows the answer to the riddle to get the Eagle Crest. Dave and Joe supposedly knew it, but they got eaten by something in the facility sewer maintenance yesterday. Apparently somebody's been flushing lab samples.

I was playing cards with scott, alias and steve the other day down in the labs. That dude that's in charge of feeding the animals was there too, can't remember his name. Anyway, long story short, animal guy is a fucking sperg who kept screaming about steve winning. I swear just because he fucking sucks at poker he has to have literal temper tantrums about everyone cheating. Wouldn't stop scratching his arm either like a fucking freak. I really wish he would fuck right off so the boys and I can wind down and play cards in peace, I don't care how it happens

Fuck Birkin, he's such a sperg boss

The vents in the BF2 toilets have a fairly simple light manipulation puzzle switch on them, I usually crawl through them if I forget the key

You do need a light source though, like a flashlight or something

no that's dumb
go full monster or go home

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Alright but can we give them a pair of tits at least?
They'll be like venom storage sacks or something.

Some asshole in a fedora keeps following me around. I can't take a peaceful shit without fearing that he mignt barge in!

One of the researchers accidentally knocked his hat off in the hallway. How do I know he did? Well because I'm the guy that had to clean up what's left of him.

Same here, man. I found out he likes to go to the library and hang out under the Sam Harris section.

Pee on the floor outside the disinfection showers again. Why are casuals so bad at opening the bathroom door? All you have to do is push the statues so that they face each other.

Last week I had to go to the sewers to meet the manager. But I took the wrong cable car and ended up in a fucking mansion in the middle of nowhere. What the fuck is wrong with this company?

lol guys I took a snake and made it giant haha

Hey Wesker, you mind telling me about that prank you and Birkin played on James Marcus back in '88?

I swear to god, if I catch the autist that keep screaming and saying stars the WHOLE NIGHT at lab 7, I'm going to fucking gouge his eye out!

Fuck this, I'm gonna bioengineer some Hunter-girls and I'll fuck the first batch so you're all getting sloppy seconds.

Fuck's sake, were the spiders you as well?
You goddamn asshole, I'm requesting an Alpha Team deployment in your lab you loon

I'm confused. What exactly is our business model? Why aren't we focusing on our pharmaceutical department since it is 10x more profitable than our bio-weapon one? And why is it that we can manufacture a plant that can cure just about anything but I keep getting orders to 'make more giant spiders'.

HR called, they wanted you to report to Tyrant research labs, Wesker wanted some help for... a thing

>One week later and the Dickers are still loose, only now our Dicker program's funding has been tripled

>Dicker

Oh user kun what did you make again?

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Heard good things about those guys.

Update: Fuck this shit! That fedora wearing asswipe nearly cornered me in the showers! And he was only wearing his fedora! I'm transferring to rockfort island, sure the pay might not be as good as it is here and i heard the commander there is a crossdressing pansy, but it can't be worse than nearly getting ass raped by some dolph lundgren looking motherfucker in a fedora!

I know, right? Seems like it's a trend for corporations to take insane risks for their bioweapons departments instead of tending to their core business sectors. Like that Weyland-Yutani.

To whomever took the signal modulator, please return it. It's not a musical instrument. Our lab has been without power for hours now.

Ah fuck me I think I just created a new strain of super virus by pouring vials of T, G, Ouroboros, Phobos, Abyss, and C all together in a bucket. Can someone call the janitor? He might be able to clean it up before anything terrible happens