ITT: We all work for Umbrella

Is anyone else itchy?

I used to take minutes at board meetings.

Turns out this whole zombie apocalypse thing was the plan the whole time.

Who the fuck even runs the IT department? A bunch of fucking plants? Nothing is secured, e-maila and notes are constantly leaked, we need different variety of key cards instead of just one fucking key card, and there's that one fucking computer that needs 2 people to activate, but it has a fucking 24 hour limit before it resets. Not only that, guest accounts are able to use it. Who the fuck oversees that shitty department?

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You actually paid attention to those? Nerd.

You know I don't get how military operations benefit from viral warfare. Imagine releasing T on on an enemy position, now you have a bigger problem and the place is unusable. BOWs spread that stuff like herpes on a disco bathroom too.

I have a prescription for an emotional support animal.

Can I bring my rottweiler to work?

Those doodles were essential to the plan. Couldn't have done it without you Johnson.

I fucking hate niggers

This is HUNK with Alpha team.

I can't be arsed to keep unlocking these vapors-for-brains' accounts in the company network so I'm setting maximum password length to four characters.

These fuckos will write those passwords down somewhere anyway.

Hello, peons
hmhmhmhm
How are you all feeling today? Working hard?
Just remember, the harder you work, the more powerful I become, and the closer I grow to RULING THE WORLD.

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Oh great, it's the fucking intern again.

>williams chunni boyfriend thinks he’s in charge
Nice shades homo

I know it's been a challenging year, but as per the end of year review process, I'd be grateful if you provided feedback on my performance. As a close colleague, it's important that you provide constructive and honest feedback so that my line manager and I can look at my future development.

Just, one thing though. Please remember that word "constructive". I appreciate that we had some setbacks, but a bunch of emails calling me a psychotic murderer because I ACCIDENTALLY let the giant zombie with the axe out of containment will not be helpful moving forward. I'd like to take this chance to remind you that the internal investigation cleared me on that incident.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day, I hope to hear from you by the end of the month, so my manager has time to consider your contribution.

we all saw that security footage of Chris kicking ur ass lmfaooo

I just want to say fuck you assholes, I’m going to work for tricell, have fun sucking spencers shriveled dick while I bone my ceos hot daughter

who else gay here

Who got drunk and misplaced the crests again?

Is anyone else annoyed they spent the grant on a 20-story pit for the main lobby rather than a new centrifuge? I mean fuck, we've been asking for weeks- the rotor is all busted.

Anyone else think birkins daughter was really cute and funny haha

I found those security tapes where you can see Alice's tits, anyone want to trade?

How the hell did they build that fucking thing anyways? It wasn't in the initial plans. You don't just build shit underneath a standing structure without anyone noticing.

Anyone else feel real itchy lately?

You ever just take a piss off one of the top floors when nobody’s looking?

apparently he's now at point k12 and needs info on his extraction, the fucking madman

[THESE POSTS HAVE BEEN LOGGED BY UMBRELLA SECURITY FOR REVIEW - PLEASE REPORT TO THE 5TH FLOOR OFFICE AT THE END OF YOUR SHIFT]

Hey guys, first time locking up the lab for the night- where do I hide the medallions again? I got the key cards in place, and the sliding puzzle secured, but you would think the higher ups would leave more notes about this stuff

Irons is supposed to be taking care of the medallions. Did you get suckered into it?

>tfw the higher ups finally approved my plan to use dakimakuras as keys for the new emergency exit.

As per my last email could you not use REDACTED in REDACTED. After last months REDACTED we've only just recently managed to get REDACTED under control & I'd love it if we didn't have to deal with that mess again. Our legal team can't take much more of this. Thanks, REDACTED

Think we can make someone mutate into another gender? Just for curiosity haha

Is that the one 5th floor office in the right just past the Albert Wesker sunglasses kiosk?

Who the fuck keeps leaving journals and print outs of classified information everywhere? HR is gonna be fucking furious. Now, I'm leaving this letter out in the open in a random location. Please place in a new location after reading so new game plus is interesting.

Hey anyone else got like really flaky skin?
I can see my muscles

Didn't mean to quote but feel free to respond anyways haha

[THIS POST HAS BEEN LOGGED BY UMBRELLA SECURITY FOR REVIEW - PLEASE REPORT TO THE 9TH FLOOR OFFICE AT THE END OF YOUR SHIFT]

Why are you wearing shades indoors?

I knew hiring SCP ex workers would bring issues

Fuck whoever neckbeard in IT who implemented this word filter, can't even chat about my wife's REDACTED anymore .

Who the fuck is Alice? Are you talking about that russian chick that was in Dazed and Confused movie in the 90's then somehow met up with one of the directors sucked his dick to get a job ?

Okay, which one of you dipshits decided to nickname the newest B.O.W. "Candlejack"? I could've sworn we were over this stupid meme. Oh yeah, not to mention it looks like one of you forgot to feed it, so don't go blaming me when it starts getting pissy and irrita

>drop it on civilian populations
>have an excuse to nuke the entire country

SameREDACTED

guys anyone just tasty

Nah, the graffiti on the men's room wall says she's a clone of the joint founder of Umbrella, who was modelled after her likeness if she hadn't had some insane aging disease, but herself was cloned and also used as the prototype interface for the Red Queen program. You know, the one that warns you for being a naughty boy when you try to access social media sites.

Look, I know that there's a strong legacy of viral research in the company. But don't you think that if we focused on mass marketing our line of first aid sprays we'd make much higher profits than from selling zombie sharks to South American drug lords?

hrotf;lg

[

We had to make to with what we got after the "accident".

Hey guys first day here, what did they inject me with when I came in here? And why are we in such a secluded location? I just applied for janitorial and the pay is really not worth the hassle

Guys, I'm thinking of joining shadowloo. I hear their Psycho Drive project makes B.O.Ws look like shit!

Thank you for submitting your comment and/or feedback

We take our employee's opinions seriously and will look into your suggestion and/or position carefully

Please note: following several counter-productive submissions, all comments and/or feedback are copied to employee's line managers.

Thank you

Have a great day under Umbrella

Anybody have a spare medallion for the bathroom corridor? I already have the chess pieces to get into the bathroom and the clock hands to open the secret passage from the lunch lunchroom maze but I lost my fucking medallion.

Just heard the most god awful ear splitting roar on the intercom, what the FUCK is going on in the lower levels?? First month here btw

Yeah, I'll get it to you as soon as I can requisition a hex crank handle. Management issued me a square one by mistake.

Just fill our Req Form:238/a on the intranet & they'll send you a new one by mail within ~1month.

>Be me, graduate with an Accounting degree from a no name state school in the Ozarks
>Manage to score a Finance position at local Pharma company with major operations in my hometown
>Lateral into a wholly owned subsidiary that works in government contracts & cutting edge research shit that I can't go into too much detail about
>End up owning the P&L's associated with one of our smaller labs a few dozen miles away from town into the mountains
>In total my portfolio includes two research divisions, maintenance, security, utilities (rolled up under maintenance), and part time event staff since the property has an old converted house on it they use for galas & shit
>Maintenance, security, & events are great to work with, generally always hitting forecast or have a reasonable excuse when they miss
>The research divisions are a fucking nightmare to deal with
>The director of one is a neurotic asshole who was shagging and ultimately married one of his lab assistants
>Apparently nobody finds anything wrong with this blatant conflict of interest
>To top it off, this guy is notorious for diverting resources from the shit that actually makes us money into his retarded passion project, his team constantly misses deadlines & flat out doesn't communicate
>I'm not able to call him out because someone on the board has a massive fucking hard-on for the guy
>The other division isn't even run by fulltime staff -its managed by a fucking consultant whose fulltime job is with the city government
>This guy at least appears competent, but I'm pretty sure he's just grifting the company, he never passes inventory audits & its impossible to reconcile any of the records he gives you
>Also his fashion sense is super fucking edgy, he dresses like a teenager trying to look badass
>This guy is also impossible to fire for presumably the same reason as the other director
>Months go by, I've learned to deal with the bullshit & make sure to document everything and cover my ass

(This post is unintelligible.)

Albert, the joke was funny the first few times, but it's getting old, man. Just get me my fucking coffee already.

>believing writing on a bathroom wall
What the fuck are you rambling about? That sounds fucking retarded and we have mutated frogs, superhuman supervisors with cat eyes, giant centipedes, mutated apes, zombies, and tentacle arm monsters that sound more realistic. Only thing worth reading on bathroom wall is if someone sucks and fucks or feeds and seeds.

Security here, which end of the gun do bullets come out of?

>Be preparing for ME Close
>Maintenance posted a motherfucking $800,000 journal entry for herbicide
>Bitch, you aren’t fighting the Viet Cong
>Immediately call up maintenance manager & ask what the fuck is going on
>The fucking consultant answers the phone & stonewalls me
>Try again later in the day & the next morning with the same results
>Escalate to my manager
>After pulling teeth, manager agrees to send me & an internal audit guy for an onsite inspection, but only because Arthur Andersen is coming in the next month
>Arrive on site after driving through hours of winding backroads & literal dirt paths, the place is more remote than I thought it was, no wonder the staff does three weeks on two week off
>Security meets us at the entrance of the house
>Need to piss
>Ask where the bathroom is
>Apparently, I rubbed the guy the wrong way because the jackass takes me to what must have been the furthest away bathroom
>Finally get to piss after walking through the fucking maze of hallways
>Ask him to take us to Research Division #1
>Brings us to a water fountain in the courtyard and he starts fumbling around with his pockets
>And then he says, I shit you not, “Oh fuck, I forgot the medallion”
>Tells us it will just be a second, has us follow him to a different part of the courtyard and tries to get us to go into a pitch black cave with him
>I tell him I’m not interested in this shit & if they don’t want us to inspect Division #1 it’ll reflect badly in my report, but he should just take us to #2
>”Okay, well let’s go get the crank then”
>wut
>We go to this path into the woods & the security guard tries to get me & the IA guy to fuck around with some weather veins
>Tell him I’m done & leave, Internal Audit decides to stick around since its kinda essential to his job
>Go into the office the next day, apparently the rest of the visit didn’t go well since Internal Audit guy quit & didn’t even bother to clean his desk up

The other day I saw Wesker sitting the corner oogling a picture of a teenage girl in a basketball outfit. That's totally inappropriate workplace behavior, do you think I should report it to HR?

Bro no, just let him be

Um guys? I don't mean to disturb your lunch but the plants are eating scientists again.

Good, fuck those nerd losers

I don't think you know what HR actually is if you are considering approaching them. Hint it isn't for resolving issues relating to the interaction of people within the company.

Was he sexually harassing you or something fag? Wesker is just proud of his girlfriend joining the basketball team.

Umbrella vs CREO who would win Yea Forums?

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ALLBERRRT! FUCK MY SISTER RIGHT NOW!

I'm giving a presentation to the board today on spider BOWs. Several senior staff members have expressed concerns that the "Web Spinner" line have inferior combat potential and should be removed, but intend to keep the project going. Wish me luck, guys.

What are you talking about? I was with talkin' with Al at lunch a couple days ago and he told me liked Slavic women.

GUYISE JACKSON IS PISS AND FUCKING THE TEST SUBJECTS BODIES AGAIN

That wasn't Jackson, that was me. Hey can someone help me dump my wife's body? Bitch was taking cash out of my wallet again.

Technology beats shitty organic biology garbage.

Didn't creo actually succeed in turning the world into a dystopian hellscape?

If you stick your hand grenade in a lickers mouth does that count as deep throating!?

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These girls from r&d saw me filling out my field reports in the cafeteria and now they're just staring at me because I took pictures of them to give to hr for corporate espionage. Should I take initiative and kill them myself to experiment on their corpses or bother Wesker about it? He is always saying complete office domination is the goal of every employee and I feel this my one chance to get ahead.

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Why do I have to feed the fucking Neptunes? I don't want to risk getting eaten! Maybe I'll just release them you fucks

Such scandalous sins against biology always deserve yous

Letter to All Employees:
We have worked for years, spent trillions on R&D and gave you a whole city to play with in order to create the most lethal weapons.

So please, kindly explain to me HOW THE FUCK DOES A HALF NAKED GIRL IS DECIMATING THE ENTIRE INFECTED POPULATION.

Sincerely yours,
The Management

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Hey guys- I think I saw the new CEO the other day. The guy looks like a total weeb- maybe he'll let us celebrate Halloween this year.

Wait, shit, what? Did one of you fuckers rent a hooker and dump the body or something? Those bitches don't fuck around.

This is why we double tap hookers JERRY

Damn that gave me a boner and made me laugh. I'm gonna quit Umbrella if they have bitches like that trying to take us down.

The chances of this transpiring are nil, sodomite.

I can't stand the commute through the sewers everyday and I'm considering transferring to the Arklay lab. Is living on site there worth it?

Hey guys, I think Frank is ratting us out to the BSAA. What should we do with him?

Eat him