Meanwhile, on the USG Yea Forumsshimura

Event Horizon
It's cozy to watch on a ship, really makes you feel like you've got it good

Of all things, it's mystery, of course it wouldn't pull through

>just stole the stasis module
I'm gonna stasis the bathroom door closed until everyone shits themselves

Do we not not have security on this ship? Some faggot has been fucking around in the vents for hours. I'm tired

Help /cec/ I accidentally pasted someone at work today.

What'd you use?

First day on the job?

Contact beam. Only a fucking smear on a rock left to show anything happened.

Not quite, I was just starting to get the hang of this shit. Fuck.

You lads ever stasis your gf while going at it? Shit's so cash.

You know that shit will make you sterile, right?

I have to push all this trash into space but someone stole my fucking force gun.

w-wait really?

Come and take it bitch

Eh no problem, mining accident, it happens
Talk to legal and they'll sweep it under the rug
We have like no regulations here which is why doors have been known to take peoples' limbs off

Lol, you really think CEC wouldn't do you dirty like that?

>he doesn't know
98% of people on planet crackers go sterile in he first 3 months

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

This is why I love our beautiful capitalist system.
No regulations to get in the way of progress.
All the same, kinda wish I hadn't exploded that qt redhead.

Aah fuck, this weird thing attacked me and ripped off my arm. I'm bleeding out fast.
Where's my voice recorder...

Catchphrases are retarded Jackson

Stasis doesn't last that long. You would have to be standing there and renew it non stop

Fuck you, I'm keeping it.

SHIT! FUCK! FUCKING DIE!

And?

Fuck, I just realised, we were in zero-G when it happened, her head's probably still floating out there.
Do you think medical could use one of those regeneration chamber things to keep her alive until we can rebuild her body?

HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I JUST SAW A FUCKING COCKROACH IN MEDICAL! HEEEELP!

Fuck you and your Marker.

Maybe, but I'm not getting paid enough to try

Reminder that if you liked the first game, you should play DOOM 3.

Please man, you gotta help me, I can hear her, she's so sad.

EXCUSE ME?
IM REPORTING YOU TO HR FOR UNIPHOBIA.

My moldy fetid asshole has grown a face and a tentacle scythe that is constantly swinging and screaming at me? Should I be concerned? Should I see a doctor?

Why did we let a fucking Iranian doctor on board? He keeps trying to put me in a tube and touches me in places.

FFS no flamethrowers this time you dipshits.

umm... guys, can the necromorphs get pregnant, asking for a friend of course

3000 credits under the table and I'll think about it
Doctor here, it's fine. That'll be 599 credits plus tip

That Dr. Mercer dude has got the right idea, dudes. Did anyone else get their complimentary cowl from the Uni guys?

I thought all that pure oxygen would help us breath THROUGH the fire.

The fuck is a necromorph? Unless you're talking about body types, in which case, yes of course, body type has no correlation to ability to get pregnant.

You know what, fuck it, just try it, at least you'll be in medical to get your skin grafts for your 3rd degree burns.

Who drew a giant ANUS on the wall in food storage?

Is it supposed to be pulsing? And uh twitching?

necromorphs, who said necromorphs hahaha, i mispelled, i meant necrophilia, like in dead corpses and stuff, necromorphs dont exist, and in the minimal possibility that they exits, i bte they would be friendly haha

Who the fuck did this?

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I'm just going to go out and say it. I know it'll piss off a lot of you but here it goes.
FUCK UNITOLOGY AND FUCK THE WEIRD LITTLE WORSHIP GROUPS I KEEP SEEING CULTING UP THE DORMS. it's fucking bullshit that if you want to get ahead on this giant piece of shit ship you have to suck unitology dick, start donating money to the cult and scrawl those weird fucking runes everywhere whilst shitting up the joint with your prolapse flavoured incense.

A buddy of mine from maintenance tells me I can use kinesis on my dick for hands free fapping, but it just doesn't sound safe to me. What if I accidentally rip it off or something?

Ok ok, I'll do anything, Altman, ANYTHING.
I'm sorry I'M SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED I FUCKED UP I KNOW IT WAS MY FAULT PLEASE I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU MAKE YOU WHOLE MAKE US WHOLE MAKE US WHOLE MAKE US WHOLE MAKE US WHOLE MAKE US WHOLE.

HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH

Pretty sure that's just an optical illusion brought upon by poor ventilation.

Sorry bro,I found some Peng and just couldn't help myself.

sorry bro, December 1st rolled round and I was fit to burst

G-GUYS THERE IS A WEIRD LOOKING DOG IN MY ROOM

G-Guys, what's the doc doing?

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Lol, is that Isaac Clarke?
Damn, what a fucking guy. Tell you guys this, that bastard could stomp through a fucking rock.
How ya been Isaac? You're not still doing someone else's bitchwork, are you?
I told you man, you gotta stick up for yourself, be your own man, and don't take shit from anyone.

me.. sowwy O///////O

PRAISE ALTMAN!

He's just a mirrored vidya box art enthusiast. No worries.

I WILL MAKE THE PINNACLE OF HUMANITY

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Get medical to replace it. It's not like they don't literally grow replacements. Or did you think the babies were actual children lol?

X-raying your mum, looks like.

>Images are asymmetric

What did he mean by this?

i want a drill cock

Why is there a fucking gorilla in hydroponics? When did this happen? Why wasn't I informed? I'm not cleaning it's shitpoo.

You wouldn't be able to use it for anything though.

Says you

No no it's symmetric. Just look closer. REALLY closer.

So I walk into hydroponics right, going to get some tomatoes and there he is. Big monkey fella

Seriously, "drill" does not mean that weak-ass shit from the early 21st century.
"Drill" means "Will tear literally anything a new everything"
You can't use it on a person, you'd be relegated to fucking rocks and masturbating.

Right, you're talking shit again

And it was about that time I realised is wasn't a gorilla but a 3 meter tall crustacean from the Mesozoic era.

>You can't use it on a person, you'd be relegated to fucking rocks and masturbating.

I'll show ye

I agree, stupid asshole keeps throwing barrels at me

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user STOP!

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GUYS THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE VENTS

GIGA DRILL

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Man, fuck Davis. Asshole. I just got done re-calibrating the fucking stasis therapy unit, and the dickhead goes and drops a fucking wrench right in the fucking mechanism. Shits the whole thing up good and proper, of course, and now every single stasis bed is fuckered. This is gonna take all week to fix, and I'm gonna get shit for it.

Probably just ferrets. Calm your tits.

What the fuck is that?
Who made/designed that? Was it Mercer?
It was fucking Mercer wasn't it?

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Yep, definitely Mercer.

what did they mean by this?

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Guys I think the marker wants to be my gf so nobody touch the marker but me because she's my gf.

*CLANK* *CLANK* *CLANK*

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So, has anyone heard from the colony in a while? The comm's been kinda quiet and I heard they have some... Unitologist problems.

Quit clogging the fucking toilets.

hey shut up in there

>entire roll of toilet paper
It's definitely a woman.

Reminder that clanking vents is a sign of functioning life support system, and nothing to be alarmed at. Even if something were living in the vents, it'd certainly never cause any harm to gafkbjh lnkjglknjghgam a ejposfa';lmksdfa jsaf;p'klm';mlgfdp'jo lm pga'mpjoag'pojmasdp'm; a sdp'jo'pkfas'm;pl fsa'pjomafs
pk fads 'maf 'pmk; fadsp'mkofad p'ok m'p

SKREEEEEEEEEE

>Blood mushrooms.
I still have nightmares

Fuck you, and I'm gonna fuck your marker.

Quit being such an autist. Fucking neckbeard engineers.

Anyone anticipating the end of humanity? The lack of resources, the rampant corporate abuse, the crippling distance from other people... I just wish something would come and finish us off and save me the trouble.

Has anyone seen Carl? He was gonna do some maintenance yesterday, havent seen him since then.

Hey you remember that time you heard weird gurgling sounds in the vent above your bed while you were trying to sleep? Or when you would leave food out on your desk to go take a whizz and when you got back it would be gone? IT WAS ME, IT WAS ALWAYS ME. I am the author of your minor inconveniences you fucking wage slaves!

t. Ishimura hide and seek champion since 2446

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Captain, i came back from the planet with the artifact i told you.
I don't have a clue on what it is for, but it gives me some bad vibes.

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Anyone know the backstory on that Nicole chick from medical? She's a fucking qt lads, I might go for it

Worry not, friend, for the Marker shall be your salvation, as all becomes one. Altman be praised!

see It's post-related's gf
Sucks, don't it?

She's a fucking cum dumpster dude. I came in her ass last week. She has a boyfriend named Isaac I guess, what a cuck lmao.

Ever since you brought it here, all our credits have disappeared and the entire ship got filled with shit, throw it off an airlock or something.

damaged goods, bro. always whining and comparing you to some isaac or some shit, go for the unitardology broads around engineering, delusional and crazy (in the sack as well) but say your into the marker and your into her pants

>Sucks, don't it?
I'm sure she does.

You ever get the feeling that it's literally only two guys posting here? Just feels kinda hollow.

I tried airlocking it, but it kinda acquired the airlock button and it is now a copy of it.

guys, are we safe to say whatever we want about unitology here? because honestly, fuck them and whatever marker they wor

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What are you talking about? There's like 40 of us. Definitely not enough to make a mining ship run of course, where the hell is everyone else?

Oh

I THINK UNITOLOGY SUCKS

Anyone got nudes of the doctor yet?

Fuck man, who keeps sneaking up behind me and whispering? Shit was kinda funny the first time, but you fucking crossed a line when you imitated my dead relatives. Not cool.

we prty vnt u crwl in

Either working hard, or hardly working. Seems that's the only states people take on this ship OTHER THAN DEAD.

>He doesn't know
SHHHH nobody tell him

I just want my son to not be a fag when I'm dead

Hey guys look, we can see another ship through the window!

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skree ys go in vnt, vnt fn an safe. u wl be whol. mak us whol. skree.

Weird. Now the airlock button is broken, like if someone had pushed it too hard.

FFS dad, it was one time. I only did it once, I AM PERFECTLY STRAIGHT.

Then for shit sake stop calling yourself Nicole!

Lol, tell em we're way stronger than the flood. Whole-er too.

That was me, sorry.
Im sure one of those engineers will fix it, we just got a new batch in after the last ones got turned into paste

You can't just back out of a lie like that, I've already built so much on it. And anyway, you're DEAD. How are you even talking to me? fuck you dad, I'm gonna go kms, maybe then you'll see. I'm NORMAL. I'm straight. I'm WHOLE.

Hey guys, I just saw Jeff in the hallway

Lmao what happened to this goof

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>what a cuck lmao
Yeah, he sounds like a fucking schizophrenic psychopath

Is there any known method for un-pasting people?

I think Jeff forgot that today isn't Halloween, because that's half a year away

Fucking idiot, should've got that skin condition and extraneous bone growth checked out.
Enjoy your cancer, Jeff.

Lmao LAY OFF THE STASIS JEFF
I fucking hate that guy

That bastard has a sweet halloween costume, fuck I need to make one as well. I'm not losing the annual Ishimura halloween costume contest to you again Jeff!

I don't know, I just collect some of the paste and put it in the refrigerator with my name on it.
Teach those fuckers to eat my jelly

Oh fuck, that is WAY worse than sterility. That's it, I'm going cold turkey.

FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MARKER

Dude fuckoff a pack of dry erase markers cost like half my monthly paycheck. You better not be the one drawing scribbles on the mirrors in the bathrooms with them I swear to god.

The other ship isn't responding to our call

Guys I think Ive been drugged, I just saw some kind of stingray fly down the corridor.

They're probably on a coffee break, I wouldn't worry about it.

Hey guys, here's a fucking childhood trip, anyone remember that creepy rhyme?

>Twinkle twinkle, little star
>How I wonder what you are
>Cross your heart and hope to die
>Stick a needle in your eye
>Twinkle twinkle little star
>How I wonder what you are

DON'T DIE
IT'LL FUCK YOUR CORPSE

Dead Space 3 was OK

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And they say they don't know why children are getting more violent.

does the song have to play EVERY time you strap in the machine? who did this?

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I'm the guy who designed the machine, don't worry about it, I put it and every single machine I ever designed.
And I designed alarm clocks, coffee machines and vibrators before reaching for medical equipments.

Reminder to all crew: The Automated Asteroid Defense System exists for your protection. The last time one of you retards turned it off to beat the 'high score' we vented a whole deck.

Why the fuck is medbay on lockdown?, I want my FUCKING DRUGS DAMNIT.

Can someone pick up my babby from daycare?

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Fuck this. Fuck throwing the trash in space. Fuck the force gun. I saw a huge ass scorpion thing. I’m getting to a shuttle and leaving

Robots don't say ye!

Jokes on you, the shuttles are where we store our trashes.

The fucking unitologists are behind this, I know it.
The Marker wants to be found, it wants us to find it, too convenient, why. Sends people mad, crazy nuts, fucking government killed Altman because HE KNEW. Marker is evil, don't listen to the whispers, can't unhear. GO AWAY SCRITCHES, I'M NOT HERE. Long time ago, black marker was found on Earth, Altman researched, he learned, tried to destroy it, government killed him, fucking glowniggers. We made a new one and it wound up here, that's why Aegis VII banned from mining. Horrors lurk and stalk. Everythings fucked, gotta scuttle ship, destroy colony, the lot. THIS IS CONVERGENCE. We're all dead. We're all one.

We don't have a day-care. What balls are you tripping user?

The Marker says "shut up fag"

He meant the mining bay.

Sorry, I'm doing a double shift on the ship and was wondering if anyone was going to Titan. I would myself but Jeff went and got "sick" or some shit.

hey anyone notice how the logistics and layout of the ship and the mechanics behind it are really like video gamey also why can every piece of equipment double for some kind of amputation device.
Also anyone notice that none of the muslims here are actually islamic?

And how the fuck are we supposed to get to Titan, retard? The transport ship only brings in new engineers once a month and its a one way trip

Hi guys! Would any of you like to talk about Unitology and how death is only the first step in humanities evolution?

Altman be praised!

no

I have had it with these fucking quarantine rooms.

Every goddamn time I forget my tools or go to take a piss there's a 50/50 chance it gets a false positive and locks me in for a half an hour.

FIX IT. FUCK.

Safety regulations don't exist in space retard.
Marker Akbar

Hold on, there are muslims here? I thought we were in the present!

You don't seem to be feeling well user. Why don't I take you down to the unitology church for some "reconditioning".

Is that uppity prick Tiedemann still in charge of that place?

Fuck you pay me first.

>This is IT to the crew. Whoever keeps stuffing dead babies in the printer knock it off. We only have so many printer parts left until the next re-supply.

Hey guys, there's something stuck to my face and i can't see shit.
Can someone help me here?

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JUST GO TO TITAN REEEEE

...

Sorry. I haven't been myself lately.

He's not so bad once you get to know him.

Listen, I don't know about you, but I find life's more fun when it's like a video game.

>false positive
Ya whatever you say Bob, we all know you caught some sort of weird STD from the last stop on Mars. This is why you NEVER trust chicks with more breasts than arms.

Hold on I'm going to try and remove it

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yeah but thats when you are the protagonist.

>He isn't the protagonist
Lmaoing at your life, beta.

Alright, I need a couple of you to act as lookouts between shifts tonight. 03:00:00 hours near ADS 37. I'm going to piss all over Tony's record by 50+ points.

Are you absolutely certain there's nothing in there with you? CHECK THE VENTS SKREEEEEE

Sir! isn't that a bit too extreme?!!

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nah I'll use mine

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I've used plasma cutters in surgery before.
Anything can get rid of anything if you just believe and don't fuck it up.

What is half of this deadly fucking equipment used for anyway?
It seems needlessly powerful and dangerous.

A-Are you sure this is the only way?

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You know if we're working on this ship we're poor, right?
We're the equivalent of BRs in space

I guess that explains the guy being burned into the tires and the soccer balls everywhere.

Take your meds

>no not the meds!

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dude im just an engineer, how could i ever be the protagonist asshole