Dear Nintendo: YOUR COCKSUCKING PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY FUCKING GRIEF IT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.
Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my shit in handfuls at the fucking television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PRODUCT - but instead the drat thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm shits in my gaping mouth. Swear to god, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA or testers or whatever brainless shitstove three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single fucking digit IQ could enjoy Story Mode Chapter 7. INSULTED.
WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand fucking prix; not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single fucking advantage possible TO THE GAME rather than me.
How in the gently caress does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of shit next to the Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO fucking GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this shithead anywhere near the top fucking 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST enjoyable human being IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE fucking FUTURE.
But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire fucking lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU. AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.
But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of shit hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than four fucking boosts! Add to this the entire course just got shitted on by some retarded space tiki volacano god and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.
HURRR, you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Well gently caress that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced fuckfurter.
Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge fucking kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the rear end in a top hat game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.
It's not any fun if I can't win, you faggots. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of shit clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get pissed off with that too. When your game prevents me from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your fucking mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and fucking DIE DIE DIE.
Did anyone here ever actually beat Very Hard? I'm gonna probably emulate it
Jeremiah Parker
Every mission besides the first on normal is worse than 7 so I don't know how the original guy got megacocked
Wyatt Butler
I've beaten all but 3 missions on VH and i've beaten all the GP cups on Master multiple times. It's challenging as fuck but feels great when you complete a mission.
Nintendo values new ideas above all else so I don't think F-Zero will ever return. It's just a racing game, but fast and sleek. Wipeout and a few other independent titles already fill that niche.
William Wilson
They already perfected the genre with GX, the only thing they could do is add more tracks, characters, vehicles, music, and online with the max amount of players possible
Nathaniel Powell
None of these are particularly bad things though. There's also the fact that Nintendo hates that GX is so perfect and they didn't even develop it themselves.
So yeah, F-zero is dead.
Zachary Wilson
I know, if you couldn't tell I was seething to myself when I wrote that. Fuck Nintendo desu
Brayden Scott
based and megacockpilled
Andrew Turner
nintendo was about to greenlight the HD remaster until they read this post
Oliver Reyes
Dude. You literally snake and the whole fucking game is broken. Even that shitty mission.
Ethan Wood
That's a fine looking thread you've written there, OP
just kill black shadow and blood falcon on the first lap you retard
Benjamin Davis
YOU KNOW THE LAW HERE IN Yea Forums?
William Torres
my favorite copypasta.
Carson Bell
which ones are you missing? I still need 1,7,8 and 9
Nicholas Sanders
Why's he keep running into the wall?
Nathan Ward
There's that fucking level after he samurai which has nothing but 90° turns and you can't proceed unless you hit every fucking jump. The strategy guide doesn't help. Is that the stage you're complaining about?
Caleb Jackson
user, that's Chapter 3 and it's one of the easier ones.
Parker Morales
l2quickturn, on very hard that's the easiest one bar none
I like how the Deluxe AX cab(the middle version, one up from Standard, one down from Monster) comes with a seat belt because you can literally almost fall out of your seat on some turns.
Julian Lopez
Best girl.
Angel Perry
yeah 5 is a tricky one. I haven't played 7-9 yet, because i'm determined to beat 1 first.
It's great, there are too many racing games that involve you never releasing the accelerate button from the beginning of the race to the end. May as well have the vehicle automatically move forward at that point.
Easton Stewart
The only thing GX is missing at this point is Death Race, maybe a track editor. Still, if I want to play F-Zero I've already got F-Zero to play, it's already reached it's mechanical logical conclusion so if they pushed it any further they'd just be adding bloat. I'm find with it being dead in that sense. I feel sorry for the people who believe a game is unplayable/dead because they can't buy it on the eshop or some shit, but F-Zero is always going to be alive because I'll always enjoy playing it and be able to do so.
James Sanders
That doesn't work on VH. I tried to knock him out for around an hour. It's like Deathbourne in the later mission where he becomes literally invulnerable.
This and the Motherfucking Flash are my favorites.
Caleb Taylor
I did and unlocked all the tracks. This was fucking like 18 years ago or whatever and i don't have the memory card anymore. Tried playing gx a few months ago because i do believe in some ways it could be considered the greatest game of all time...any way it was si fucking hard. I've gotten so much worse over the years
Daniel Russell
reminder Miss Killer is the lewdest F-Zero girl
Dylan Martin
I just want an hd remaster. Don't even care about multiplayer
Julian Carter
This shit is fucking insane, I need to find a copy of GX and play it again.
Why though? If you want to play the game there's nothing stopping you, you even get it running at 60 fps progressive scan widescreen on original hardware, let alone what you can do without. Too many people think they can't play a game because it's old, and the people who actually want to play the game just do it because there's nothing stopping them.
Joshua Gomez
You get a small speed boost if you grind at the correct angle. Also the usual tactic is to deliberately lose all your health on the final lap just before the finish line because it sends you flying, and if you pass through the finish line before physically exploding it still counts as a win. Pretty sure it doesn't work that way in story though, which is why he didn't do it.
