Hey Yea Forums wanna read the first chapter of my book?

I might get around to actually reading it later.

Part B is a different character and I wanted him to have a different tone

bump I'm going to read

>I open
Present tense is cringe and only used for YA novels; change to past.
>The bed I am lying in
The bed in which I am lying. You avoid ending with prepositions later, so choose one style
>at the same time like
Missing a comma
>there's a hole in my stomach but a dagger through my heart
'but' should be 'and'
Alternatively: "There's not only a hole in my stomach by a dagger through my heart."
>The elderly couple, in which house I have been staying these last three days, is nice but I won’t stay here
"which" should be "whose"
Those two commas are splices. On the other hand, you're missing a comma before 'but'.
Also, a less expository way of saying that sentence, more naturally would be: "The elderly couple who have been having me is nice, but..."
>that showed even minor resistance
Very awkward. Also, too much information at once before we can care. Just say "that slaughtered a village."
>I wasn't even there for their final moments, I wasn't even in the village at the time, I went out fishing, our crops were poor last harvest and we needed more food.
This should be past perfect. These sentences are too repetitive and all of those are comma splices. Start by changing them all to semicolons, and then work on adding variety, like
"I wasn't even there for their final moments--I wasn't even in the village. I had gone out fishing; our crops had been poor and we needed more food."

Paragraph 2
>from the village but
Missing a comma
>the village, it couldn't have been chimney smoke
Comma splice
>a large amount of it, the smell reminded me
Comma splice
>leather, no feast or festival was announced though.
Comma splice, unless you replace "though" by "although" in the beginning of the clause
>Someone burned houses and killed a lot of people while doing so because the fire spread around.
What? Is this the character guessing? But he's telling from the future; he already knows. A less clumsy way of saying this would be: "I knew right away that a fire so widespread couldn't be without casualties."
>This couldn't have been unintentional
This couldn't have been accidental
> unintentional, there was a torch
Comma splice
>What were they trying to accomplish?
Should be past perfect
>Was this a warning to other people who resisted.
Missing a question mark
>Was burning this many homes intentional? They might have wanted to burn down one house as a symbol and the wildfire consumed more than they could handle.
Synthetize this into a single sentence for clarity: 'Could it be that they had intended to burn a single house to send a message and things got out of control?'
>I saw the most horrible thing in my life
Melodramatic; cut.
>my life, corpses were lying
Comma splice
>There are too many
Should be past tense
>heavily, do you
Comma splice
>do you bleed
Should be past tense
>I don't know. I have to assume there are
Should be past, past, past.
>terrible people here
Should be "there."

>Who were they? Bandits, raiders, soldiers, outlaws, pillagers, my mind was racing.
You've established the narrator knows who they are in the first paragraph, so why is he playing dumb?
>pillagers, my mind
Comma splice
>what they want
Should be past tense
>What was their goal,
Missing a question mark
>just leave us alone.
Should be " 'Just leave us alone,' I thought."
>We didn't do anything.
Should be past perfect
>We're just an unimportant village. We don't have anything. Our crops aren't great, we have no power, we're not strong, we have no money.
Should be past tense
>Is this for entertainment?
Should be past tense
>in flames, most of it
Comma splice
>burned, my parents
Comma splice
> my parents were not in sight, where were they? I feared they may be ash and my fears were realized when I entered the house.
Why all this ranting for something you're going to show us in the following sentence and which you've spoiled in the first paragraph? Just cut.
>Under some rubble, I found my mother burned, skin melted by the flames, dead.
I found my mother under some rubble, her skin melted by the flames; she had burned to death.
>Was she caught under debris?
Did she get caught under the debris?
>scream, I was
Comma splice
>What should I do?
"'What should I do?' I thought."
>Emotion overcame me.
Cut this. Let the scene show it instead of telling us.
>I don't know what to do, what should I do?
Either convert to past tense or add 'I thought.'
>I was sitting there for a while
I sat there for a while
>There should be a dagger here somewhere
Either convert to past tense or add 'I thought.'
>started searching
started to search
>After searching for a bit
find a synonym of search to avoid repetition
>parent's
parents'
He isn't thinking about a father at all, though, so either he has a single parent or he's careless
> room, good thing
Comma splice
>sheath, the edged
Comma splice
*edges
>were blunt, it's a
Comma splice
*It was
>heirloom, it shouldn't have been used as a weapon
Comma splice
*it wasn't meant to be used as a weapon
>years anyway
Missing a comma
>My father wasn't with my mother, where was he?
Makes no sense that he didn't think this right after seeing his mother; he didn't even search the house for him, but he did for a dagger?
>where was he? He would know what to do, he's the bravest man I know, he wouldn't abandon her alone to die like this. Something must have happened to him. I need to find him
Either convert to past tense or add "I thought."
>I know, he wouldn't
Comma splice
>I was running around the village
I ran around the village
>screaming, where could
Comma splice
>I couldn't find him in the chaos, I didn't know what happened to him or where he went, but I don't believe that he would run away, it wasn't like him.
Cut this, it's obnoxious repetition of what was said before.
>I'm was terrified,
lol
>I had no one.
Cut. Teenage angst melodrama.

No comment

>As I was running, I saw a group of men in armour.
This is extremely confusing. You said several days had passed, but then you call back to the initial act of running from the day of the burning. Which is it?
>I already stopped
I had stopped
>They haven't noticed
They hadn't noticed
>or are they here
or where they there
>But I couldn't
However, I couldn't
>them, that was much too dangerous
Comma splice
>this situation
the situation
>there wasn't time, I had to
Comma splice
>he could fix this
he could fix that
>He was the smartest man I knew
Stop having every sentence about the father end with "I knew"
>I knew, he'd know the best course of action.
You've already said this; cut.
>I looked at the men in armour again and I realized, they were enemy soldiers
Cut the second 'I'. Cut the comma.
>gave me a books
gave me books
>and one time he acquired one from a man at the inn
One time, he gave me one he had acquired from a man at the inn.
>inn, it'd seen better days
Comma splice
>already started to fade
was fading
>but I specifically remember
cut 'specifically'
>unique way of smithing where gold-coloured markings would appear on their armour
of smithing their armours with gold. Also, that's not unique at all. The word you're looking for is "characteristic."
>Why would they decide to invade this village of all places?
Stop asking a new question with each new plot point like you're giving instructions to the reader that he should feel intriguied. "Why was there fire? Where was mom? Where was the dagger? Where was dad? Who were these men? Why were they invading?"
>I couldn't think about it too long
for too long
>from behind, they couldn't
Comma splice
>I needed to hide it.
Cut; this is obvious.
>I had to get it back later.
Cut; this is obvious.
>I heard one of them say
One of them said
>I heard one of them say that I should be taken to the others. They took me to the church. They rounded us up there.
Who is 'us'? You mention "the others" but never establish who they are once he's taken to the church.
>I needed to hide it. I threw it in the straw. I had to get it back later. They saw me and took me by the neck. I heard one of them say that I should be taken to the others. They took me to the church. They rounded us up there.
All of these sentences have the same structure of being very short and abrupt. Makes for extremely tedious reading.
>Fearing what they would do, we cowered.
We cowered in fear.
>After a man in a more detailed looking armour then the rest came they let us go.
What? This is incoherent. I think you'd solve most of the problems by cutting "then the rest."
>They remained, I not sure for how long they plan to stay. I won't wait to find out.
"I decided I wouldn't wait to find out how long they planned to stay."

>I'm not the only newly orphaned child who's staying here. There are about seven of us here, from all ages, the youngest one can barley speak and the oldest is another boy, who I think is around my age. I haven't spoken to him yet. I can imagine what's going through their heads
Should be past tense.
>all ages, the youngest one
Comma splice
>barley
barely
>the oldest is another boy
Yes... that's redundant.
>heads, the anger, the fear and
heads--the anger, the fear--and
>In the daytime, the younger ones were crying and in the night most of us were sobbing.
The younger ones cried during the day; all of us did during the night.
>Some had it worse than others it seems, all of us lost our parents, that I knew, otherwise they wouldn't be here but that's not the only thing you can lose.
Banal. Could be synthesized as "Some had it worse than me."
>Friends, siblings, your home, everything your family stood for, gone.
This just makes the reader wonder why the narrator isn't thinking about any of his friends. Was he new in town? He's not a real, breathing character who had a life before the first page started. He's two-dimensional. Why shouldn't he recognise the boys from his own town as his old friends?
>Expressing your feelings through crying seemed so weak when you think about it.
Banal. Cut. Unless you're establishing future character development. In that case, I'd rephrase it to something like
"Not me, though; I stopped crying. I was tired of feeling weak."

So that covers the first third of your chapter. I think I've given you plenty with which to work.

gay

>this couldn't have been unintentional
>was burning this many homes intentional?

damn, that's deep.

>What did they want? Fun? Is this for entertainment? Just for sport?
For rape.

Structurally, its just one big monologue. No real sense of time or place. None of this occurs in reality.