Write what's on your mind

I'm banned from doing so

An attractive cheerleader was flirting with me and pushed her breasts against my chest while we stood in line for lunch. (I was not at all popular, this was an aberration.) I had this incredibly intense feeling of power and competence, and instinct took over, and I started to move my arm to embrace her. It felt inevitable. But about a twentieth of a second later, the feeling of capability almost compounded, and the world froze. I didn't trust the feeling of competence, and I didn't like that my body was moving so fluidly without a conscious decision. It was a moment of extreme balance. It was like I was on a precipice, except there was no sense of unease or uncontrol whatsoever.

I was raised in a religious household, and took it pretty seriously. Because of that, I had some reservations about being sexual. Additionally, I had been reading a lot of Nietzsche at the time, and thinking a lot about the importance of pushing one's Will as far as it can go. In retrospect, I think the two influences combined to let me reach a state of incredible, almost sublime self-control. I wanted to experience what it would be like to reject extreme lust for no reason except autonomy. I intentionally chose to move my arm to my side, smile, and take a quarter step backwards. And then my sense of mastery compounded again a final time, before fading into a warm fuzz.

Basically, it was the ultimate sales pitch for asceticism, and I still think about it all the time.

When I look back at that incident now, after years of a much sadder and less interesting romantic life, part of me screams at what an idiot I used to be. Partly for the now deprecated religious motives, but I also see motives that I didn't realize at the time - I was uninterested in the obligations of romance, this was occurring in a public place, I may have had some concerns that the unexpected advance represented some kind of trap, etc. But on the whole, that feeling of mastery was so amazing, I'm glad I didn't do differently, even though I would if a parallel situation occurred today.

God be merciful to me a sinner.

My life is similar, but I'm in Iceland. Why can't this fucking gay Earth just end?

I'm sleepy. I wish I could find a good Yea Forums thread right now. I'm glad that the blogposter finally stopped making individual posts on here every time he eats fast food or drinks coffee.

>300 pounds working only on weekends
i make less than that working 38h 6 day weeks in a month, it can always be worse you first world nigger

i read this as
>write what's on your wall

Since arriving in university last year I've been struggling with extreme social anxiety which made me fall down the rabbit hole of self-help etc. But here's the thing, everything I need to be social is already in me. But when i try to learn it back, I'm literally denying it's there, and this lowers my social empathy and confidence. This gets me anxious of my ability to relate to people, which in turn makes me read more self-help crap and it just gets worse.
I'm sure all of us have or have had situations where social problems don't even come to mind. Be it talking to a sibling or with friends when we were children. We've all made someone laugh at some point so it's not about leaning the skills or how to place our arms or whatever. We all already have everything it takes, all that's missing is a bit of calm and a bit more empathy.
Uni starts tomorrow, I'm quite hyped.

How can I get out of the laziness,depression,porn,apathy hole I got back into? And why do does it all takes a couple of days to erase the work of months?

I feel like i am not moving either forward nor backwards, but sidewards. I am reading a lot and learning, but I am still not in a position to apply my knowledge and still I keep on chasing things that are so far away. I sometimes lose the contact to our world and my body, not the feeling that I am still human, but the moment in which I live. Its like I am so oblivious to the fact that I am in the moment that I cant really appreciate the moment for what it is. Its only those short moments of pure emersion, like when you having sex or you are in workflow that I can reach this meditative state of mind. There is just the task at hand and nothing else, but even if I try to focus my brain still wanders from time to time and thinks about something else, whats next ?

This Restlessness of the Mind is whats keeping me up at night. Even whilste writing this I am thinking about what I am going to do tomorrow, what music I should listen next and a lots of other things. In this modern condition in which I found myself in in which I am scared to be alone or even bored, because I my self are not good companion for my self. Where I allways need stimulation in some form, to keep my mind distraced. Maybe from the fact that I am going to die and become one with oblivion and then its just nothingness again. This noise of life which we all indulge our self in.

This is what keeps me up, its the noise which we let in to distract us from us. Because we alienated us from us.

I don't mean to be a pleb but I'm looking for book recommendations based on stuff like picture related. Been playing a lot of Oddworld and I'm curious if there's any "weird" literature in the same vein?

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Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five has aliens in it.
Maybe Burroughs.

The one thing I learned is just to change your environment. Just block all porn sites and make it extremly hard for yourself to watch porn. Maybe try to find a regular group in which you can meet and try to be more social over all. Start lifting and even if you fail 5 days just start again.

Best thing for me was to have a fixed morning routine and sometimes it got messed up due to friends and other events. But I got back into it as fast as I could. And if you need some motivation maybe read up a little about memento mori, I have a Vanitas as my Desktop background and it allways remembers me that I just have this one life.

It doesn't necessarily have to be aliens but I will take a look at Vonnegut who is someone I've neglected.

Existence is worthless and boredom directly proves it.

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Turns out, I had a chance with this girl and I blew it. I had a chance with another and I blew that one too. I had a shot at a third one but I was too direct and blew that one too. I should've approached three more but didn't try at all. I thought that one was out of my league, which I realized doesn't matter.

I'm sitting here alone, probably a little sexually frustrated because I'm on a voluntary no-fap. I know the social media of all of them minus two, and minus the one who blocked me. Going to any of the profiles makes me feel absolutely nothing besides that I pretty much still like all of them the way I did before. They don't exist in any other context though.

What is this feeling? Have I finally learned to move on. I know that I did set it as goal a while ago, but I have no idea how I accomplished it. I don't have any thoughts to justify moving on, like "there are plenty of girls out there" or "someone is probably fucking her so I shouldn't care." I simply like them the way I always did.

This helps me usually yeah. However, I have a big exam next month. I'm graduating med school and we get tested on every subject so I have to sit at home and not meet anyone (everyone I know has the same test too so nobody has the time for me even if I wanted). I keep blocking shit and finding ways to circumvent it. I don't wanna read now because I'd spend the whole time reading. Hell I've been reading stuff on the internet just so I stop studying. And I seem like I don't care for what should be the most important thing. Also I recently discovered that I'm a narcissist so I don't believe nor trust myself anymore.

Damn look at them titties!

Having ideals helps. I remember that I saw a certain someone reading and I picked up books only because I loved them so much that I wanted to be like them. I did most of my studying for exactly that reason. My whole education is not tied to my ego at all. If it wasn't for them I'd probably be a construction worker right now.

I hate myself for not being able to be myself or someone else.

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stop lying you pathetic faggot and just admit that you were to much of a pussy in high school to put your arm around a girl instead of trying to sound deep and intellectual with points about Nietzsche. Now that your a 22 year old loser you need to balls up

I want to personally cane everyone in my city who has ever littered. Make them feel the fear of god

Heard some weird phrasing in a dream. Some little girl said, "I want to be walked-like, like a queen," with a very deliberate repetition of the word "like." Intuitively, does this mean she wants to be imitated, but such that the imitation appears a certain way? But it also omits mention of any desire to actually be the way in which she wishes others to initiate her as. The idea of imitating X as Y sounds neat though, in terms of how many reflections and demands you're bouncing through in a single line.

The only things I need to do are the things I don't do, and then I feel bad, and then I feel bad and the solution would be to just do the things, but I end up not doing them. Thanks.

Tell me another hobby that has the possibility of improving your life as much as this one

>initiate
imitate

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Knitting? You could knit yourself a nice sweater and keep warm this winter.

>want a better job
>don't want my life to revolve around a fucking career just to make a buck
>current job pays enough to put 50% of my income away and it's a mindless, hands-off, chill job where i have no real expectations or responsibilities (for a white collar)
i could increase my income 50% if i get the big certification in my field, but the jobs are so much more intense and they make a big deal about everything. they also put you on salary and working you 50%+ more hours is common, which in my mind means you're making the same hourly equivalent so what's the fucking point?

idk if i even want to get involved in it. Yea Forums is my only passion and that's free or nearly free. i have no material desires. time/money for traveling and being able to work from home part of the time would be a great improvement. otherwise the excess money would just go in the stock market.

i don't get people who live paycheck to paycheck when they make even more than i do. i don't get the "lifestyle creep." simple pleasures are better than any shiny commercial widget. homecooked food that makes you feel good is better than any dinner out. i can already buy anything i want, i simply don't want anything further.
>floss once a week.
you're supposed to do it every day. imagine the smell.
your cost of living is lower you dumbass. that's why thirdies live in shitholes, they're literally that retarded. i live cheaper than 95% of people in my cunt/city and still have to spend $1500/month minimum. Rent alone is 900 for a slum box, and i don't own a car and just walk so my transit is free.

why do you retards not know what "cost of living" is. your rent is like 200 and a meal out is 70 cents.

I’m tired of /sci/tards making threads about how philosophy is bullshit without actually ever reading any themselves. This is super apparent when they try to talk about metaphysics. Fucking materialists I swear.

>binge fast food like a retard
> i live cheaper than 95% of people in my cunt/city
ok, retard

>This is super apparent when they try to talk about metaphysics
I'd say it's when you talk about ethics with them. Doctors are at least on good terms with philosophy, can't say the same about engineers.
Very cute.

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>write what's on your wall
thomas pinchon is a pu##y

>Doctors are at least on good terms with philosophy
Why is that?

I'm 34 year old NEET diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffectivity, depression, bipolar disorder

I live with my parents

THANKFULLY I graduated college and made lots of friends and network-contents while I was in school

I feel bad for people who attend s--t schools because even if they graduate with marketable skills they have a hard time finding really good jobs

I helped my brother get a 6-figure position at Google through one of my uni friends

Secretly, I hope my bro will let me live with him after my parents pass away

I dream about being a good uncle to my bro's children

But I'm afraid my brother's wife would kick me out for being a freeloading loser

I could also rent a place of my own through my disability benefit but the rent in my area is so high I'd literally spend 90% of my benefit money on rent and have nothing to eat but oats and peanut butter all day every day

I don't know how to change my life though. I just count every day as a blessing that I get to eat good food and sleep in a clean bed (or futon at least)...

Hopefully my parents die at 95

By then I'll be 55 and will hopefully have lived enough that I can starve or freeze to death on the street, having done a few little good things

where the fuck did i ever say that, you shit-licker?

don't worry i won't kiss you without flossing my teeth ;)

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literally all your posts start with how you binged on fast food again are you actually schizophrenia

>But I'm afraid my brother's wife would kick me out for being a freeloading loser
Is this because you do know her or don't know her very well?

yeah now go back to r*ddit you fucking subhuman

the cost of living thing is not true, things cost pretty much the same all around the world, for more money you get more quality, for less money you eat shit, in the third world people have less money so they buy food that fits their lifestyle, not because the food is magically cheaper

i developed binge-eating disorder when i was 18

it's really a hard habit to break

i only got over it at 26 when i realized that my shame and self-hate were destroying my chances with women

in retrospect i realized a lot of good girls will accept a dude who struggles with his eating habits

feel like i wasted 8 years of my life trying to make my dietary habits perfect before going out to socialize / date

None of my friends read. My significant other doesn't read. I can't talk about anything I'm interested in beyond a basic level to anyone. I'm not even a particularly smart individual, I grow increasingly frustrated. I can't find better friends. Don't take this the wrong way but dont you think its sad you guys are all I have?

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well, what do you read?

I don't know her very well. I just have the sense that women once they have children can tend to quarantine people. They ban anyone from their homes who might set the least of a bad example.

tl;dr?

You're right - I don't (yet) know her well

wtf. i don't know who you think i am but i'm not. jfc
the food is inarguably cheaper in shithole countries. this is why retirement abroad is a thing, to stretch your money living like a king in a thirdie where the big american dollar goes further. even within the same cunt there's a different in price between san fransisco or houston on everything from housing to food to commodities.

Doctors get an ethic education, meaning that they at least appreciate that branch of philosophy.

I mean, if you aren't in it for the money, you must want to help people if you dedicate your time to being a doctor? Certainly they are interested in ethics, and therefore in philosophic matters.

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i'm dating a guy who doesn't read. i talk about books to him in a way that even non-readers can understand. he listens to me and finds it interesting.

if you have two readers together, they'll just bash heads on taste differences anyway.
>having friends
why? you can't even fuck them.

That shit happens to me too. It's frustrating especially since many of my friends went to better universities than I did. I get mocked for being an autodidact and for reading difficult stuff even after earning my degree.

But I don't care that much because I enjoy watching the antics of non-readers. It's amazing how obtuse and limited people are who rely on conversation and broadcast media. It's like studying the social structures of bonobos.

As President Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.'

i wish i was gay but im not

I'm getting into Dolce and Gabbana, just recently read on the heights of despair, halfway through accelerate anthology and finished technological slavery.

You can be a jaded cynic and still be of only slightly above average intelligence. By the same token, you can be very intelligent, and still be dull. People here seem to mistake skepticism for intelligence, and conformity for stupidity. Steven Pinker and Dawkins might have meme beliefs and be wrong on a number of things, but they're still highly intelligent people. Same with YA and genre authors. Being cynical doesn't mean you're smart; it just means you're cynical.

>I can't find better friends. Don't take this the wrong way but dont you think its sad you guys are all I have?
I would like some IRL friends. But nobody I've met so far are as good or fun as the anons I've talked to here. Of course, it's possible that I'm only seeing your 'good-sides' and what you want me to see. Either way, I give you all the benefit of the doubt.

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dude the dollar has twice the value of the currency in my country and one dollar is like 19 peso

I can't get the info about the pension for an average American citizen, but for the sake of the argument, let's say its 1500 dollars a month, that's 3k in local currency, or translated into labor, roughly the salary a doctor makes when we take the bribes into the calculation too

when you come to a country having the equivalent of a doctor's salary, you can't say something is cheaper because for you everything is cheap, but for the locals, not earning the almighty dollar, it's not cheap

Listerine and tonsil stone extraction with q tip or if you can't, removal of the tonsils.

>significant other
Holy r*ddit!

>Write what's on your mind
Gass:

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The door is shut and I am gone
Through it once more and never once again
My footsteps mirror my heartbeat
And the I count every one
To keep them all in check
Three and four and five again
She loved me in the end
But one should not want what I cannot have
Or the devil will have the last laugh
When all is said and done
The bullets in this gun
Will be one too many
And never enough at the same time
I hang off of my every line
And stop the marching just in time
To see the door again
I would open it if I didn't say I wouldn't
But I guess word's don't really matter anyway

I've been having the strongest erections in my life recently. I thought about trying prostate orgasm, heard it has no refractory period and feels absolutely blissful. I wonder if it corresponds to the yogic kundalini that is supposed to sit near your perineum.

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I think an intrinsic part of being human is days of loneliness and melancholy for reference to when your happy or find someone special

Half of this thread is the pathetic cry of early 20s teenagers-in-the-soul that would be a better fit for /r9k/; but I guess this complaint could also extend for half of this board. This is what Yea Forums is today and. much like my country, it is leaving me and my ideals behind.

are the illusive qt Yea Forums bf?

kys boomer

I am working out and buckling down in school. Everything I'm doing right but I would just love to have a girlfriend who I could report my successes to, to hold in my arms, and listen to her dreams no matter how infantile or outlandish. I guess I've lost my mojo in some sense. In the past, I had girlfriends and flings and this assures me that I'm attractive. That's not the problem. Girls in my classes check me out, are quick to lend me their textbooks, and over all are flirty with me, more than just common courtesy. Maybe I'm too quiet now, too introverted. Sometimes I'd give anything to revert back to my mindless self, where I frequently indulged in vice and was extremely gregarious. I had friends, I had the parties, the girls, the excitement but have thrown it all away for education and introspective growth. I write my novel, go to school, exercise, read, and listen to podcasts. My selected seclusion has really made me feel like a ghoul, a social outcast that cannot even interact properly with normal people. Where did I go? Who have I become? Is it possible that in the quest for self betterment I've inadvertently begun to raze an entire temple of hopes and dreams, that I've reprogrammed myself to be something worse?

>are there books for this feel?
>are there books that can give me back my mojo

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This is how I feel too. I'm well liked but almost everyone at college but I don't enjoy their company not a single one of them. I have friends since 2010 and I really don't think they're that interesting. It's such a dick thing to say tho. I wonder if we'll meet anyone to connect with in real life.

>half of this board
>implying it's not the heart and soul of this website

*elusive

Deprive him of his (you)s

it was a pun, user.

Yeah, being introvert sucks in current social climate.

Bro I don't think any extrinsic thing can give you anything. You should just sit with yourself and ask yourself all these questions and try to answer them in a truthful manner. Prioreties change. For example I think you're better this way. You have grown up. This shit doesn't give you the same pleasure and it never will. Maybe you weren't that happy and you are just nostalgic. That's why you left this lifestyle for your new lifestyle now. I don't know you but I relate to this mindset. "I was happier then with no mindset" this lyric resonates with me but I always remind myself that what I have now gives me more potential to happiness. It just makes it harder to get there. What you have is permanent no matter how the temporary stuff seem tempting. Good luck

amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1UUTL5LLHHC2K&keywords=susan cain quiet&qid=1569188992&sprefix=susan cain qu,aps,172&sr=8-1

sharing this book with my parents got them to apologize for all the "socializing" that they pushed me into

i don't think anyone has complete power over their life. like the bible says you can't grow taller just by thinking about it. there was some military leader who said, "nothing can be willed in war."

when i was young i worked really hard but failed to socialize like a normal person. now i just tell myself there's a difference between pushing yourself and hating yourself. self-hate can arise out of embarrassment at self-care or self-pity in our culture. but ultimately a moderate amount of self-pity is arguably better than trying to rip out all your old wiring and live as if can do absolutely anything and then blaming yourself for not being God.

I'm at the last year of med school. Literally all my friends laugh at me and think I'm lying because I say I'm not in it for the money (I'm not for helping people too apparently as I grown to be a psychopath I guess). Also very very few people have interest in philosophy and they tend to be on the spectrum. My point is doctors are assholes you shouldn't even give them the benifit of doubt

I'm considering pursuing medical school, partly for the pay, partly for the purposiveness, partly as a platform to publish my half-baked pop-phenomenologies and meatbag deepities. I like the idea of digging up the rare gems of neurological practice, or being a country doctor as a financially tenable partial escape from modernity. I would need to go back to school for premed, though, and I worry about my capacity to longterm maintain the compulsiveness necessary to make it through more or less a decade of premed and med school and residency. What are your thoughts on this?

my friend is a doctor, smart guy, I'd trust him with my life, but I wouldn't trust him to hold down an interesting conversation all by himself

I'm afraid I'm not the right person to ask as I didn't have anything in mind when I picked med school. My parents wanted it so much and I was trying to make them happy to get my conditional love. I can say that it's so demanding. You have to learn a lot and read a lot so in my situation I didn't want to read other stuff like I used to before or at least in the first and maybe second year then it kept getting more difficult. I'm depressed now and I think med school played a role in that. This is just me tho. I know some people who are mentally strong who still have time for their hobbies. They have self-discipline tho, something I never had. I still would go to med school if we go back in time. I don't like maths and have good memory. Also I'm introverted so the lifestyle is fine with me. I should just fucking get back to studying to graduate. Idk why I haven't in the last three days and I keep cursing med school like on every stressful occasion. Sorry for the long semi-answer semi-vent.

I watched anime literally all weekend and I feel completely out of it now. This happens to me whenever I consume too much media, I dissociate and my life starts feeling like a vague dream.

I started a new job on the fourth and it seems like the entire month just vanished, I accomplished nothing significant and continue a manic porn addiction even though every week I tell myself tomorrow will be better. Maybe it will.

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Also, this only happens with those shitty fantasy / rpg shows, they're like crack to me. Earlier this year I watched re zero for the first time then read the shitty fan translations of the web novel (some volumes of which are easily 100000+ words). It was all I did for days and days.

i had an intense sexual relationship in my early 20s and now i realize what a pig i was

i moved out of town after that relationship and part of me hopes that i just never see her again

based LF, i wish you well mate.

I get more enjoyment out of writing taglines and summaries of my novels than I do actually writing my novels.

My friends are playing leauge of legends while I sleep. I don't like coffee and I am in a voice chat discord. Hearing a gal say she asks guys who she plays video games on the internet with she does a highpitched anime girl voice and tells them she wants to play certain games and she gets them as games. I called her mom because that was in her name and it was nice laughing with her and my discord pals. This lizard has a good detail in the photo. I have got to wake up early because of responsibility. Goodnight.

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I found this cute steam game called Kind Words. Basically the premise is that People write letters to each other and post little issues about themselves and ask for advice or kind words. It's a fun way for me to play agony uncle and flex my writing skills in a wholesome manner. Without all the "kys fgt" of Yea Forums or the "playing to the crowd" dynamics of Reddit.

I like sending random strangers nice words of encouragement. I am using my powers for good for a change.

>I get more enjoyment out of writing taglines and summaries of my novels than I do actually writing my novels.

same here. my girlfriend thinks i should say fuck it and try to become a literary agent instead of a heartfelt author

i miss the days when i loved beauty and had so many lofty conceptions

i used to believe in love but now my mindset is like "there's nothing that can't be pimped out and sold to the highest bidder"

but i'm fighting back and slowly returning to my purer beginnings

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I hate myself and wish I could find one single human being to connect with, to stave off the loneliness, in lieu of any courage to end my own suffering.

Been telling myself I'll start learning to draw for almost a month now.

The last few waning hours before the weekend are the saddest recurring event of every week. Like a tiny funeral. When all that's good in the world drains down to its last drops, and the sluggish, hairy caterpillar that is the workweek mounts up and readies to assume its regular slog.

I miss being NEET.

More and more, I've been feeling like I don't have a distinctive self that I can identify with.

It's almost like I've lost my old personality like someone loses their wallet in a couch or something.

I don't even have a reference point as to what kind of things interest me in a real way anymore.

>The last few waning hours before the weekend ends

That's adorable You're a sweetheart, user.

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My life is a series of epiphanies that I keep forgetting about.

recommendation for mp3 merge program for audiobooks? typically 30+ files, maybe 15+ hours long. current one is 120 files.
audacity is manually intensive and it's pure hell. trying an online merger and it's lagging out.

I feel as if I don't have a self either. I'm more like a golem that is summoned up to perform certain tasks before disappearing again into the dead clay.

I just want to love people. It isn't because I like them but because in the act of loving I come into the presence of something authentic.

Sometimes I think it's because I'm a recovering sociopath who is only just beginning to relate to people without trying to manipulate them.

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I'm an engineer and I prefer Yea Forums. /sci/ is unironically filled with people swallowed by the dogmatism of science, but, then again, this dogmatism is sort of required for science to function.

Practice by loving your fellow anons.

I think that there's too much of a difference between what I'm trying to express and what I can write; and trying to express what isn't obvious through prose is not only ineffectual but exhausting.

Fuck, fellas, I just really don't want to go into work today. I'm almost dreading it.

I should get my tongue pierced.

Isn't that for blowjobs?

Yeah. You want one?

If not now, when?

I'll do it tomorrow.

Ever think about how little of the ocean has been explored? Did you know that we recently found out that Venus could have sustained life for billions and billions of years before its volcanoes created a runaway greenhouse effect that extinguished any possibility of life? Did you know that it had nothing to do with the sun, and that Venus is still within the habitable zone? So is Mars.

i do

A piercing or a blowjob?

i want to die

I'll take the latter

a blowjob

Both at the same time? Okay then.

no, i will wait..

Form an orderly queue then.

Right, I'm coming first.

I bet you are.

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I wish I could grow a pair and stop being a coward

I wish I could grow some roses. And I wish I had somebody to give them to.

Feels

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Oddworld is very based.
I mean, there is Arthur and the minimoys, but it is pretty childish.. and not necessarily what you meant

I have had an easy middle class existence and it makes me sick to think about. I am a superfluous man. I hate myself as much as those around me. I feel I need to suffer in order to validate my life. I know this is the kind of stupid thing only someone who has never had to suffer could think, and yet I continue to think it.

Be careful what you wish for.

I hate that i cant relate with a single book protag because they're better than me

I don't know which spectrum of rightoid thought is more annoying:
>heh, climate change isn't real libtards, look there's this once place that got COLDER last year
>checkmate
or
>yeah, climate change is real, that's why we need to build an ethnostate and prepare to mow down any brown person that approaches the border
>also the jews did it

>tfw wageslave day arrives again
at least i have audiobooks so i can Yea Forums at work. i'd go crazy otherwise.
sounds like dazai. his first suicide attempt was due to guilt from being the child of a rich man.

>only 2 months till i no longer have to work
>back to NEETdom for a while
its a good and scary feeling

I'm getting obsessed with the military. I keep watching Youtube videos about combat or stuff like Life Is a Special Operation. I've been reading military history and bios of generals and such.

My parents are worried about me. Every time I open my mouth I can't help talking about stuff like bayonets, napalm, the Battle of Berlin, the Nanjing Massacre, et cetera.

I tried to make a list of all the books about war that I've read and I've read way too much.

I'm 34, flat-footed, and mentally ill btw. There's no chance I will ever serve in the armed forces.

I'm thinking about writing a historical novel about war, just to channel my racing thoughts about war into something that doesn't upset my friends and family

Download an app for Android and dump it on there. There’s some really good AB apps out there

I've truly come to believe scientists and engineers will save us all. I don't worry about climate change in the least anymore.

Have you read Ender's Game? The protag is basically a traumatized, mentally ill man-child.
But over the course of his life he manages to migrate from being a genocidal man of war to become an historian who ultimately exchanges fear, cruelty, and violence for wisdom and love.

If there were an asteroid impact I would probably not be allowed in the survival shelter. I don't care because at least for now I am useful to my friends, family, and students.

Being a Yea Forums man, I try to read high-quality books (including a lot of non-fiction). Other people in my life don't read a lot, but they appreciate when I spoon-feed them tidbits of wisdom in conversation.

>Ever think about how little of the ocean has been explored?
I really do

>I've truly come to believe scientists and engineers will save us all.
lets be honest here, there is no other way to save the planet. People wont give a shit unless their homes are literally getting filled with water

I hate being lied to. No matter the subject, there is always two or more versions.
>Is the climate going to shit or not?
>What exactly happened during WWII?
>Was the URSS bad or not?
You can never know those things for sure, you weren't there and everyone is trying to swindle you to buy their narratives
Being the skeptical fuck that I am I cn't help but pick the most dreadful and uncomfortable set of beliefs so I don't follow the herd, but still, I'm no less stupid.

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>>Was the URSS bad or not?

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What a brainlet.
1. Basic physics, the only thing in question is what it going to shit will do to us.

2. ? why is this in question

3. I'd argue bad, but better than the nazis. Anything other than that is arbitrarily specific.

_Also_, this isn't goddamn Yea Forums try again,

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>better than the nazis
Not him, but why are they better? Numbers are much worse if you're going by rate of mass murder. What standards are you going by? I think comparing them is useless, there's no better or worse in any really meaningful sense.

Ever since I left you, you have been in my mind. I see hundreds of girls every day, but none of them are special like you. But you never think of me. And why should you? Of course, you aren’t really thinking of anyone, are you? At least, I hope you aren’t. But when the day comes, I hope you will think of me.

nice consequentialism there.

You may be sure about all that stuff, but at the end of the day it boils down to belief, you can't never know any of that for a fact.
You can be well read on a topic, at best, and pick the authors with a bias that pleases you to make up your own belief system.
And that's what bother me, and the way people just go around spouting these beliefs as if they were solid facts.
About the WWII thing, I'm talking about the motivation for it, number of casualties, the ideologies involved... all of that reflects in our era

i mean this boils down into "can we truly know anything" and its a very boring topic.
Unironically all we can do is trust the experts

>.
Easy. The reason I've always thought they were objectively the better is they ruled a large area in geography and populace for upwards of a half century or more. During this time, while many died there was no industrialized murder nor acts evil enough to warrant their extermination. When their regime faded there was surprisingly no civil war, and the transition was surprisingly free of violence.

Contrast this with the nazis, while they were in power they started a world war, and in the period of only six years exterminated millions through highly organized and sterile murder factories. If they were given control over an area the size of the USSR, who knows what scale the numbers of victims would've reached, to say nothing for the amount of time they reigned.

Honestly it's an easy question if you're not politically minded. If you are, your belief is most likely illogical and there's nothing I can say to convince you otherwise.

Yeah, exactly
Now what do you do when all the experts are ideologically biased?
You un-ironically get into "redpill" territory and it's a very unpleasant thing, you just get lost

>Now what do you do when all the experts are ideologically biased?
read what other experts say

>you can't never know any of that for a fact.
Sure I can, fuckface, reason being that I live in a post-Soviet country.

Brush your goddam teeth

But then I can't enjoy my OJ

Whats it like in iceland

>had burger king binge last night
>told myself it was the last binge before I had it
>felt my heart beating harder as I waited for the food; almost walked out right there despite having paid
>feel fine as I had the food and after; was just being paranoid lol
>woke up today and slept until 10 am
>browsed internet on phone, drank coffee, did chores
>watched a blackpill YouTube video I really related to
>read 30 pages of a pop-history book (biography and discussion of a dead political thinker's work)
>go to gym
>too weak to lift heavy weights; spend 45 minutes on cardio machines
>felt really sad as I went back to my flat, for some reason
>for the first time in months, I went for an actual healthy food shop, on a cloudy and rainy day
>saw a Giga-Jailbacey on the way there
>bought food, went back to flat
>had a healthy meal for the first time in literally many weeks
>it felt surreal to feel full up without the giant belly or feeling of disgust with myself as I get a carb rush
>went in to central London for my usual walk; saw Staceys and felt demoralised; saw people inside of a co-working space, still working after 6 pm; looked terrifying
>read in library
>now drinking coffee

I spent some time flossing (enough to bleed, which felt great), plus cutting my fingernails and toenails. That, plus the food shopping, will take up so much free time (as % of total) when I start working.

This is the YouTube video. Skip to 10 minutes and watch on 2x. youtube.com/watch?v=bprpXiT11kU After ER died and I found the incel blackpill, my thoughts became similar to this. It feels like being Neo as he sees the 1s and 0s.

If I was a go-getter, everything I did today by 3 pm would have been done by 11 am.

I didn't care much at the time.

At some point, some muslim guy in a scooter decided to kill a bunch of jewish kids, and a few soldiers.
Then someone from the family went to Syria and got himself killed in an American drone strike.
And then Wolinski got shot, along with 12 others; I used to read some of his cartoons from the 80's.
And then an explosion, people stepping into the football pitch.
And then a hundred of innocents shot.
And then the Thalys attack; I took the train to Paris that day..
And then a truck drove into the crowd, while my family was watching the fireworks.
And then they killed mercilessly an old priest.

Some people - they are not that difficult to find anymore - believe firmly that all of this is only the tip of the iceberg, that there is another state within the state, that a civil war will break in one, maybe two decades, if we are lucky.

And to some extent, I agree.

Dolce and Gabbana?

there is common sense and there is scientific/philosophic inquiry. fuck the letter. i do what i want.

I wrote a small program to track my "stats" like I'm in a fantasy rpg. It's fun.
No one knows how deep my autism goes.

there's this really cute short-haired girl in Uni and I can't stop thinking about her

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Ask her out.

What if she says no? I have been denied in the past, im too scared to do it

I hate my dad and blame him for all the problems in my life. Ever since I was a kid he'd always constantly nag me and blame me for things that even he didn't do.

He'd always bitch at me for having zero motivation in life even though I never saw him do anything as soon as he got home from work except sleep and watch TV. He'd always nag me for not having any friends in school even though he was basically a shut-in himself and always holed himself in his room during weekends. He does zero work around the house, all he does when he came home from work was eat sleep and watch TV. I've lived in the same house as him for 23 years and I feel like he's a complete stranger. I have zero idea of what his hobbies are, if he even has any, or what his childhood was like.

The worst part of it is, I hate myself more for inheriting all of his awful traits.

I am tied to a balloon 20,000 feet in the air, and the balloon is ready to pop.

>I hate myself more for inheriting all of his awful traits.
At least if you have an awareness of them, you can put some effort into changing them. It doesn't have to be your destiny, user.

Mark Twain was a faggot. He thinks he's so clever, it makes me barf.
I'm buying up all his books because when shit hits the fan I'll have the pleasure of burning them for warmth first.

If she says no she says no and you can move on with your life. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take ;)

That's really good advice user, thank you.

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In case you're both being sarcastic, I suggest getting to know the girl and seeing how things go from there. Rejection sucks, but sometimes things work out.

yeah, I don't wanna go and ask her out that fast, i want to get to know her better, i have talked to her in 2 occasions and i helped her with homework and she seems really cool but also kind of shy, idk man but im gonna try to talk to her again, I've already done it twice so i can do it again

That's the spirit. Best of luck user, she sounds cute.

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She is bro and draws really damn good too, I envy her talent

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When didi we become more focused on equality over removing suffering from the world?

I'm trying to figure out how I can live like a fantasy, dnd-type adventurer in real life. My main problem is coming up with "quests" that make sense in a real life context.

>espouses fascist and neoreactionary ideals
>still wants to dress up like an anime girl
The fuck is wrong with me

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I have been in this exact position - never forget why you turned away from your vices. Even still, you must recognize that the impulse to isolate yourself and focus on "self-improvement" is also a vice that you must overcome. It is a good thing that you are doing productive things and getting healthy and bettering yourself, but is also a good thing to spend time with friends and enrich the lives of others. You already had the discipline to begin to better yourself in many ways, and now you've realized that you find something lacking. Do not stop improving now, continue to be the best person you can be and think about why you started this journey - and don't fall back into the trap of seeking sex and parties; seek out merriment and companionship with your fellow man, and the things you are actually looking for (real love and friendship) will find their way into your life.

I do not know if religion has anything to do with the reason you changed your life, but I encourage you to pray about it, too. Realizing that I failed to live up to the standard of a true, God-fearing man is what set me down the path you are also taking, and reading the Bible and prayer has never failed to help me.

I've thought about this a lot, too - might just go to Africa and start a mercenary company, try to overthrow a small island government or something similar.

He's Vonnegut from a century earlier except his personal experiences were translated in a less hacky format.

Had the following dream last night. Prefacing this by saying I don't consider myself gay but am a ksv.
At some kind of house party type thing, was in study of my old house so maybe that's where it was. I'm with two other people, a woman and an Asian girl; her and I are both wearing a yellow slip dress, I feel kind of uncomfortable because I'm not wearing underwear so you can kind of see my dick bulge. I look over to see the Asian girl has one too, and I say something like "excuse me" and slip it (the groin area bit) aside to see she has a dick as well. She looks at me like wtf and is about to say something but I say no wait and slip aside my own dress to show my own dick. She? raises her eyebrows and then is like okay and then bends down and starts sucking me off. I sit back on a chest of drawers type thing in view of a window (as in my back is to the window) and I think how anyone walking past would see what looks like a woman giving oral to another woman (I guess I'm wearing a wig or the dress makes me appear female) and that excites me further. She sucks me all the way to the base and I remember she was wearing red lipstick. I don't remember if I came or not before I woke up.

my weight has gone from 260 to 170 over the last 14 months and my parents think i'm anorexic

maybe you wish everyone was male so you could relate to everyone.
or it could be that you wish the phallus universal b/c of the dark mysteries of the vagina and womb, and the possibility that your heroic phallus will get lost inside the woman. and then you will lose your manly independence as the womb brings forth a force which will chain you to fatherly responsibility.

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Why is kugi suddenly so popular?

And where does one find friends who are also into it?

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She drew that?

yeah, this one too

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Are you both in art-school or something?

Graphic design, same group, and class

Cool, I hope that you're going well with it. Seems like you both have a bit in common. Just take it slow see how it goes, user. Best wishes!

>had a very traumatic event while high on weed
>subsequent weeks have constant panic attacks
>can only think about them
>feel like I’m developing agoraphobia right now

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thanks man

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Is it possible to live whitout a smartphone nowadays? I mean, if you have some sort of social life. I think they are one of the worst inventions of all time. I hate these fucking things and how they became this absolute essential thing in life now.

Yes. At least where I live. There's nothing on my phone aside from an address book.

Do you wanna talk about it? I'm here for you, user.

Where do you live? I know it's not impossible, but it seems so "pratical" to have a smartphone, but at the same time I hate these fucking things and most of the time I want to smash my phone.

>Where do you live?
Australia.
>but at the same time I hate these fucking things and most of the time I want to smash my phone.
I dunno man. It's just a phone. Do you dislike what other people are doing with theirs or something?

I don't know, whenever I think about it just doens't seem like a natural thing for me. It feels alien and evil. It's also used in the most stupid ways by most people (including me).

"Cumbrain" isn't real, but statusbrain totally is, and it is 100% possible for you and your community to become dedicated to joybuzzing the shit out of your social dominance centers and doing nothing else. The problem with that is it's easier to get status, to do "epic owns", than it is to do anything worthwhile. This is why every person and community who falls into this failure mode eventually gets this weird persona where they minimize their attack surface by having no definite characteristics other than social dominance and no affections, alliances, etc. with anything, or they have them, toward stuff where it's impossible to tell if they're serious or not, like Russian orthodox or, I don't know, Marmaduke Juche.

It's the same way with Yea Forums. "Based", "cope", "cringe", "seething", "rossed", these are all totally opaque and meaningless, the entire point is being able to own someone else while exposing none of yourself for reprisal. And so the community becomes senile and addicted to the smell of its own farts, and no one notices, because it can still "win" confrontations, which looks like health, if you aren't paying attention.

That, btw, was also the problem with the left. They got so good at calling people neckbeard spergs that no one noticed the cockpit was empty.

>It's also used in the most stupid ways by most people (including me).
Well stop doing that, then. I think that the convenience of being to contact and be contacted by anybody, anytime, nearly anywhere is a net-benefit. Better than the old way of just hoping that the person whom you're trying to call is home and able to answer their landline.

it doesn't make any sense how, knowing all of the horrible and frightening things that could happen to a person, all the ways someone could get crippled, die, etc. i still get anxious about giving mundane class presentations and talking to normal people

Yeah, it's most of why I stopped trying to constructively disagree with anyone or debate in an intelligible manner, I just intuit some mania-driven connection between a thing or two and go from there. It's nice to know a couple of specific people willbe creatively stimulated by a post that means almost nothing beyond each others pseud terminologies (within which it can be satisfyingly specific).

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I don't like CNN and I don't like MSNBC. American news is annoying and everything feels like bad acting at this point. Could just be me, but it feels everyone just wants to use everyone else as means to an end. Always about how good or proper they are. Make sure people know you support this and that you don't support that! I can't be the only one who gets the feeling that lots of things feel phony. Maybe I am just getting a lot of fake responses from people around me and that bugs me. We are talking but we aren't communicating. Words are being exchanged but nothing is being said, it is so dang pointless.

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>Tfw just got a match on tinder with a qt blue eyed brunnete
>Her bio is "a modern day emma bovary from the tropics"
>Her name is Nagel (?)
>Made a joke about her name being close to Angel to break the ice
>For a second I've tought she wouldn't awswer
>A message from her comes in
>"Haha thanks, that was sweet"
God please, make this happen, please! I never asked for nothing!

Forget about it, it was a bug on Tinder and she's not even in the same city as me. The world is a cruel place, anons. Anyway, I knew it was too good to be true :''( lmao

why is writing so much work? math is so much easier

If it makes you feel better getting a generic reply like that means literally nothing on tinder.

i do all that stuff but i try not to

it's pretty difficult to live realizing how evil you are or how much your dopamine SOP involves taking others down

could be that you're inexperienced

maybe you need to read the dictionary

maybe you know what you want to say but don't know the words

maybe you don't really know what you want to say

if you have to write something for a class i recommend getting a writing tutor. i was a pretty good tutor back in the day and i usually managed to find ways to help students get A's on their essays, despite them not being intellectually brilliant or passionate about the subject matter

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For a quarter of a second today I wanted nothing on Earth more than to pick up the stapler on my leasing agent's desk and smash her head in like a rotten pumpkin. You'd think that living in a place where breathing the open air feels like a wet towel is being cinched over your face and buying groceries requires you to stiffarm your way through the swarms of junkies that cluster around the exits for a taste of the air conditioning would make something like me parking in my neighbor's visitor spot seem trivial in the face of the endless freakshow that is daily existence in this God-blighted place, but Angie Rivera wasn't in the mood for perspective. She was in the mood to flush fifteen minutes of my life down the toilet by bitching at me about my breach of apartment policy, which put me in the mood to do the same to the remainder of her life by turning her dome into chili con carne.

Yeah, I'm used to all this Tinder bullshit, I was just amazed by how beautiful this chick was. Anyway we flirted a bit, but I'm not going to travel 300km for her, so yeah, she's not the one...

I have to write a short descriptive essay (2 pages) but finding shit to write about and padding it out to 2 pages is annoying as fuck. It's literally taken me like a week to write this. I could've done 3 other classes' work in that same period.

that's messed up man, jesus said to love your neighbor. i can't tell if you live in california or south africa though, either way be safe!

You live in LA dont you?

I want to be a deckhand but I’m in such an affluent area even this requires an absurd amount of qualification and experience

>deckhand but I’m in such an affluent area even this requires an absurd amount of qualification and experience
>STCW changes in affluent areas
No.

Standards for employment tend to change when you have many applicants, few available positions and a shitload of money. The industry here is exceptional even then, if you have no connections you must go through maritime college

>STCW changes in affluent areas
No, and not even in shitpoor countries either. You're basically telling me you have never scaled a deck and that people should pay you more than someone who spent the last two years scaling decks. Everyone slaves for seatime.

I'm suffering alot and I want to die

I could move states and get a job with just a GPH ticket, which I can’t do here. Is this difficult for you to understand?

Maybe that's because a GPH won't scale or buff. People with money and influence are not vying for GPH jobs. Shipboard entertainers might vie for jobs where they need a GPH, but anyone who wants to be a deckhand knows why nobody trusts a three day apprentice.

Exactly, I simply feel trapped on the bottom of the barrel

Everyone slaves for seatime. You just don't want to do the shit jobs a deckhand actually does in order to get qualified as able at those jobs. You're not trapped, you just have to go through the same process everyone else goes through to make you not a liability and allowed to work on your own.

Brush floss scrape tongue

maybe he means Deleuze

Keep it up, user.

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That's pretty good. I'd read more

damn dude, she seems amazing. Good luck bro

thanks bro

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I had a dream about massaging my high school crush. After all these years brain?

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Is he cute?

Oh yeah. After waking up I saw a notification that she has birthday today. I don't think I ever memorized it.

got married earlier this year
shes pregnant now with a girl
i just hope she doesnt realize just how much of an awful person i am

Florida

cringe

You can count on it, user.

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holy...i want more

I keep buying shit I don't need

don't trust the jews telling you to brush teeth, if you don't have pieces of food stuck between teeth that's not an issue, breath most likely comes from deeper and is a symptom of some other issue, try changing the diet.

this sounds like a nightmare.

fix yourself for the kid

The the frozen food supermarket or the country?

Get off that app, man. It's not good for your psyche.
I hope you find a beautiful girl to love. Best of luck!