Ok, I've recently taken an interest in structured poetry, could you guys critique my first sonnet?
I shan't bother trying to win your hand, because your hand is too far out of reach. I could sit and listen for a thousand years, if for so long you were to teach.
Your face is perfect beauty, lips of rose skin of snow, you'll have my whole devotion. I'll prize you 'til I die 'less you oppose. Himeros blessed me with cursed emotion.
The anecdotes you tell me make my day, but thinking of that brings a fact to light; You tell everyone else in the same way, which makes me cry myself to sleep at night.
And curse the decade between you and me, for that stops us from being meant to be.
If you have any questions on the content or structure, I'm happy to answer. If it's really terrible, please rip me to shreads.
it's shit just try reading it out loud and tell me it doesn't sound like shit protip if it doesn't sound good when you read it it's shit
Charles Bennett
>Sonnet i SHA/n't BOt/her TRY/ing TO win/ YOUR hand,
What did he mean by this?
Matthew Robinson
Do you often write love poems to yourself?
Thomas Gutierrez
No, shan't is one syllable i SHAN'T boTHER tryING to WIN your HAND
Jason Jenkins
he never said it was in iambic pentameter.
Mason Allen
No, but I often write poems to my old high school history teacher.
Bentley Wilson
>tryING What did he mean by this? He posted a pic of Shakespheare. Shakesphearian sonnets are traditionally iambic
Landon Gonzalez
>Shakesphere Also, does every other syllable have to have more meaning applied to it than the rest of the poem? As far as I learnt for my A Level English Lit, it just has to have 10 syllables per line, 14 lines, alternate rhyme scheme and end on a rhyming couplet.
Samuel Anderson
yes look into iambic pentameters if ur trying to do some shakespeare shit
Sebastian Cox
but he literally never said this was iambic pentameter, he just said it was a sonnet.
Adam Turner
It is pentameter, or at least supposed to be. Iambic, not so much. Is it possible to have a non-iambic pentameter?
Eli Evans
btw i dont mean to be rude it's not bad for a first sonnett. my only feedback is that it's a little bland and it's awkward to read because of the syllabic memes >bro for my first shakespearian style sonnet im just gonna do it in free form yes, look into different types of feet. typically iambic works best for what you're trying to do though. a lot of good medieval poetry is dactyllic
James Wood
Quote where he said it was a Shakesperean sonnet in the OP.
Zachary Carter
user, he posted a picture of Shakespear and it's his first sonnet. Do you think his English teacher told him to write in free form for his first sonnet?
Charles Rivera
>Do you think his English teacher told him to write in free form for his first sonnet? Yes. English education is shit nowadays. Pure School of Resentment and liberal nonsense tier.
Ryan Russell
Bumb
Juan Green
Your sonnet sucks ass. Never write another. You're clearly under eight years old. Desist From writing pansy verses, motherfucker. Those "lips of rose" you love, you'll never kiss.
Your tipsy-meter'd, uncreative lines Are cringy, copied, insincere. Dante, in his Inferno tale, assigns To lust-borne fags like you a hellish tier.
The object of your love despises you, And also all of those whom you call friends. Himeros isn't real and yet he too Hates your existence and he recommends
Suicide. Just kidding user. Try again. This isn't good but don't put down your pen.
Aaron Bailey
gay
Nicholas Perry
I wanna put it in your butt Slut I know you not Don’t think I forgot What you said I know your head Sissy ass Oh but you have class oh I see Well you earned this D No fear Shakespeare Pepperoni pizza I finna pork you when I see ya
Tyler Hill
Honestly thank you for showing me how to actually write a decent poem, thank you user. Of course, my first poem isn’t going to be the next ozymandias, I’ll just have to practise, like with anything else.
Also keked
Elijah Ross
>again/pen >another/fucker >desist/kiss truly in the spirit of the bard
Aaron Sullivan
>agayn
Luke Scott
Best poem i've read on 4channel.com
Jayden Rivera
UI Bumb
Eli White
Needs more pleb filtering. Try injecting some pseud symbolism and also try to use the least known synonyms of words to make yourself look like a gigantic hipster faggot (i.e. Shakespeare uses "sable" to refer to darkness, not black, dim or dark) and lastly try your hand at metaphors and figures of speech like consonance, repetitions etc. Don't listen to the retards in this thread, you can toy with any meter you want so long as you're sure you counted the syllabes and respected the rhythm, you can even alternate between iambic and trochaic verses, there's no rule set in stone and all the greatest poets were aware of it.
Here's an experimental pushkinian sonnet I wrote down some time ago, should give you an idea of the whole picture.
Love is rash as a rascal's mind it does not boast, and does not swell but often it does make thee blind Love does not ring a tuneful bell to the mask'd scorias of man's kind for love cleanses the souls of a hell that virtue or vice alone can't quell nor its full measure gods can tell Love is the star dust of the dreams with which your fulgid smile still gleams Love two stray men doth closely bind with star-aligned strings, as entwined in strands of gordian, riveted knots, Of lustrous lush forget-me-nots
Noah Rivera
>reach/teach It's obvious that rhyme precedes sense here. That happens to good poets, but you have to make it less blatant.
The metre is all over the place. Read up on iambic pentameter, including trochaic substitution. Closely study the iambic lines of Keats' late verse; they're a masterclass of metrical variety within an iambic frame.
Mechanical issues aside, the biggest problem with your poem is that it lacks a proper theme. Unrequited love is not enough. Take the idea from the first stanza, your beloved teaching you. Introduce this idea in the first two stanzas, present a different side of it in the third stanza, then come up with a good closing couplet. Almost like sonata-form. A sonnet is supposed to have unity, it's almost a mini-essay in verse.
Anthony Barnes
your volta is weak as fuck. the romance is doomed at the start, and you reinforce it in the end. there's no turn in your couplet. nothing's changed.